don’t be like this dude

I’m in “the zone.” Weed is legal here! It’s the 21st century and Marty McFly is coming back in October. This is great. More people should be like this. So what if you slur your speech a little. [B’jiggers is a Holiday Inn bar in Galveston TX.]

What’s the point of my story? Is this good? Am I drunk enough, but not too drunk, to be sane but not too sane? This is me, talkin’ to myself, cuz that’s what I do. We live in the world’s most awesome ant farm.

I’m a slightly more enlightened child than I was before. I’m still going out to bars and meeting women who come in pairs and whose names I have trouble remembering.

I didn’t pay for this. This isn’t the movie I signed up for when I read the poster. It’s highly evolved DNA. It’s f**kin’ badass cool DNA.

I need to get my legacy together f**kin’ right now. I don’t care if it’s a f**kin’ stone somewhere, or maybe a little kid. Something. A buncha houses?

I don’t know what I mean; I don’t know what I’m sayin’ either. Won’t you please, please won’t you please, please won’t you be my neighbor?

Twenty years go by. Have I done anything? No; I doubt it. “Do you dwell on the wasted years behind you, or the terrifying years ahead?”

I like talking to Jessica. I’m stoked about this boat. It’s frickin’ crazy. Its crazy good. It’s gonna be amazing. All right, so that’s what I know.

I’m not uncomfortable talking to the camera; I’m uncomfortable talking to people. Eloquence is a relative term.

Get a life, too, by the way. You’re sitting at home alone in your apartment doing nothin’. You’re such a loser! Get out and do something, you moron.

After spending 20 years in the U. S. Navy Reserves, I retired as a Commander. They let me make a speech.

It’s a gift I have… I don’t have these burdens that prevent me from stepping outside myself and looking at all the crap that’s going on around here. 

Everyone’s married and stuff and I’m bored with a lot of stuff. We’ll see what happens in China.

I portrayed a character named Pee Wee in a play for a (pretty damn professional!) theater group. I did my best to do a Cajun accent, but I sucked. 

Some idiot came up with this system that everyone has to work hard to make money so they can get things. There’s deep thoughts hiding just beneath the babble.

I’m not tryin’ to impress the literati, you know. Who the hell wants to impress them? I’ve always wanted to make a point and I’ve never had one.

This is definitely not “Krapp’s Last Tape.” It’s more like my lamest tape. I’m bitter; I’m bitter… I’m old and tired and bitter. I’m probably just gonna die.

Denise is about thirty-six and she’s got a little more on her thighs than I am normally attracted to. 1½ beers at her house were not enough beers to get me to go there. #bobsaget (r.i.p.)

Kay’s lounge is walking distance from my tiny garage apartment. Paula’s doofy looking husband’s eye was blackened—like redfish. I wanna be a gameshow host.