January 31, 2024 • 30 mins
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Can't Fully Reckless, the production of iHeart Radio
and the black Effects, and just like that we on
the air. Welcome back to yet another carefully reckless episode
(00:20):
with your girl. Jeffs hilarious, so we got voice notes.
I'm happy, y'all know this gets me happy every single
freaking time. Although y'all have been providing me with these
long stories and y'all have improved on y'all punctuation, so
I ain't gonna lie. I'll take it. I'll take it
for what it is. Y'all. Thank you so very much.
All right, but we're gonna jump straight in here we are.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
What's up, Jess. I'm trying to get you to fix
this mess. First of all, before I pull from you,
I want to make sure I pull into you and
let you know how grateful I am for this platform
that you have provided, you know, in this safe space
for us to get our shit off. I'm a little
heavy for you. It's not really in alignment with a
(01:03):
lot of the topics that I hear and you know,
piece and blessings to them, but this one may be
a little different for you. It may not. But I'm adopted.
I found out I was adopted two weeks before my
senior year of high school. I am right now in
my thirties and that one't around the corner or nothing
like that, but it just feels like yesterday. You feel me.
(01:26):
So I found out that my mom and my dad
wasn't my real mom and my dad, and that just
changed my world. It flipped my world like upside down.
I know that I hear a lot about people being
adopted and the unfortunate circumstances behind that, with Falster care,
being in the system, being outside on their own, not
(01:48):
having nobody around nobody. You feel me. And I always
thought that my story wasn't a priority because I've never
been in those types of situations. But when I found
out I was adopted, I was seventeen years old, and
it just it flipped my world. Before then, I was
(02:09):
on a I was being groomed for academic success, grew
up in after schools, very my parents were worked in
the government. Back then. It was like upper middle class.
That was that was the class living in Washington, DC,
born and raised, and I can hear it. You know,
I couldn't really compare. I had my growing parents because
(02:29):
you know, I thought they were my parents. So I
just thought that's what came with being the kid growing up.
But after that day when they told me, you know,
I lost myself. I forgot who I was supposed to be.
I forgot what I was supposed to do in life.
And about I say, about three four years from that,
I met my mom, my biological family. Should I say
(02:49):
I found out that I was I'm one of nine siblings.
I'm not the oldest, second oldest, or third oldest. I'm
the fourth old this and I am the only one
that was sent away for adoption and put up for adoption.
Should I say my mom? The story is she ran
away from Philly to I guess my grandmother wanted to
(03:15):
have an abortion and she ran away. Shout out to her.
You know what I'm saying. But in the midst of that,
I was asking about my dad, and I'm like, well,
my dad will my adopted father asks first on the
first meeting, you know, we had set it up complic
charities have found a way to bring us together much
(03:36):
gratitude than them. But he had asked my grandmother and
my mother, you know who your dad, who my father was,
And it gave you some like contexts. My dad is
kind of like an alpha male, not kind of like
he is an alpha male marine from the country. A
man's man, you know. He cut dry, he ain't no emotion,
(03:59):
tell it like it is, you know. And he wanted
to know who he was, and they say they didn't know.
So I've known him now for about like ten ten
eleven years, and throughout that process, you know, I had
gotten closer to my mom. I was the one that,
you know, went up there to visit all the time
to show love, and my adopted father would always be like,
(04:22):
chill out. You know what I'm saying, hold back your love,
don't go up there. You know, you gotta understand where
you come from. The whole tea, I was trying to
figure out where I really came from because I didn't know.
It felt like I had been living a lie, you know.
So they say they didn't know. I always been asking them, like,
(04:42):
you know, my dad talking to my siblings. Everybody else
knew who their father was, so I just I could
not really pinpoint why nobody knows who my dad is.
But I left it alone because I came with open arms,
me saying, my mom and my dad the ones that
create me. It's a level of respect that I have
(05:03):
for them, even though things turned out the way it did,
even though they made the decision to do what they
needed to do, or however however it was back then.
I don't know, but I've come to learn that although
I tried to dismiss it, it still bothers me. You know,
I still want to know more. I still as much
(05:23):
as I want to act like I don't care and
not so much don't care, but it's nothing that I
can get from. It's something, and my soul tells me
that it's some more information. It always told me that,
but it was just it was something out did. This
didn't make sense. So around the pandemic, you know, everything
was on the open truth, the lies. You know, it
(05:48):
was a lot of spiritual information out there, and if
you tapped in, you caught the beat. So one of
the beasts that I caught mom, I caught my mom,
my birth mom. One night, I cut her up on
the FaceTime and she started talking about her father and
this was like some information that I never heard. She
never really talked about her past or whoever. And I
(06:10):
felt like it was the perfect moment for me to
post a question again, like where my dad at Because
at this point in time, I'm kind of telling I'm
bracing myself and telling myself, you know, happy birthday to
my dad and rest the peace of my dad, all
at the same time, all in the same breath. So
it was just still on my heart to know who
this guy was. So she started to elaborate a little bit,
(06:32):
and the way she elaborated was if he was around
when she ran away. The story for me always starts
when she ran away from Philly to DC, you know
what I'm saying, And she gave me like a nickname,
but she didn't when I went to ask her about
who that name was that I've never heard, she kind
(06:53):
of snapped out of it and got off the phone,
you know, that type of time. So I was just
left with that. But it felt like a little piece
that I was getting closer, that I wasn't tripping to
keep trying to be adamant, like who my dad is.
So one day I'm at work, my grandmother calls. Now
we didn't have that type of relationship where she called,
you know, if I can't pop up in the city
(07:15):
and I seen her. You know, it was the grandmother love,
but it wasn't like the relationship that I over here
like my other siblings have, or my one boy cousin
he got real close with. It wasn't that or how
the relationship was with my grandmother, my adoptive grandmother, my
mother's mother, my adopter's mother's mother. So she called me
(07:36):
and I mentioned to her about the conversation that I
have with my mom. So she goes into a story
that like absolutely blows my mom. And I don't want
to get cut off. But one day she was at
the bar in Philly and her homegirls. It's my grandmother,
So I'm thinking she's probably like in her thirties, her
(07:56):
early thirties, like my age around that time or something
like that, and her good, good girlfriends told her that
there was some dude talking about my mother, her daughter
at the time, her minor daughter at the time, and
my grandmother ain't like what the people were telling her,
(08:16):
so she popped off at the bar and tried to
shoot him. He said she shot at him. She said
she shot at him three times. She missed though, but
she shot at him. So when I hear that story,
I'm like, Damn, I'm a bit taken back. I'm taking
him back because I'm finally hearing something about my dad.
(08:38):
But I'm also taking back like, damn, that's not no
story you ever forget. And I have been asking you,
I been asking everybody what's up with my dad? Like
I don't care what type of man he is? Where
he ain't in an alley. If he in an alley,
we go get him, you know what I'm saying. If
he at the jail, we go visit him. If he
you know what I'm saying. If he up, We're gonna
(08:59):
try to go see up with him and let him know.
It's just all love. But I just wanted to know
who my pops was. And you can't tell me that
it's not fucked up that you wanna tell me your
story like this, as if you never as something you forgot.
Now you may have forced yourself to forget because it's
something you don't want to think about that. I know
(09:20):
you in your old age, lady, and you you know
you in your Bible and all of this, and you're
trying to get right before your days are however, yo,
But I've been looked at for my dad and just
the way that I opened my arms with no questions
of why I'm Why am I the only one that
got adopted? What was up with me? Why me? I
(09:41):
never posed that? And also I ain't really had time
because I was so broken in the fact that the
people that I've been with and look like they not
even my real parents and everybody else know before me.
Everybody knew but me that type time, So I ain't
really had time to try to go back on them
on those I'm healing. I'm trying to heal. I'm growing.
(10:04):
I had to make some mistakes through self sabosage. You
know what I'm saying, doubt myself. I lost myself. I
ain't never get in trouble go Obama. You know where
I like, really hurt myself where I can't come back.
You know what I'm saying. I want to try and
hurt myself, kill my soul. But I felt some type
of way, but my heart wouldn't allow me to have
my fleshy feelings about this circumstance. Up.
Speaker 1 (10:28):
Hold up, I know this shit getting good, But listen
to just a couple of seconds of a commercial.
Speaker 2 (10:32):
If you love me, you'll listen, so fast forward.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
I It's okay.
Speaker 2 (10:46):
I found something, you know, I found a lump on
my breast, just a little something. At the time, it
was just a little lump, and by me going to
the doctor and stuff, that question kept th that was,
you know your medical history? Do you know your family
medical history? And I'm like, I kept just saying I
don't know, I don't know. I feel so ignorant, just
(11:08):
being like, I don't know. But ever since my grandmother
told me that I haven't spoken to them, I just
cut off all communication because the next thing that I
have to say to my mom is something. It will
be presented in a way that she's not used to,
not by anger, not by verbal attack, nothing like that.
(11:31):
But just like the questions, and I have more and
more questions, I have combound. The questions are why me
and all that's gonna come out, and I know it is,
but at this point in time, I have a medical
issue that's causing me to ask questions or why I
don't know my medical history? Like I'm fine, I'm good,
but if something else supposed to come up. You need
(11:53):
to notice. You can't look at your adopted parents because
they medical history don't matter. You can't you can't look
at nobody that you've been around all your life, that's
been family all your life, and get that piece of information.
So what I'm asking you, Jess, is because I refuse to.
I I've been holding on not calling them because I
(12:16):
don't want to. I ain't never been that type of
person in that bag, never, never, and I don't have
none to say to them. But I know that the
mature thing for me and my health is to know
this type of information. I can't go in life without
this information. So I'm asking you, like, where do I start? Like,
(12:37):
although I want that piece of information, I can't let
that information distruct me from really want to know the truth.
Like why didn't you tell me who my dad was?
And you know what the kicker was about the information?
She told me that my dad died. She was like,
I think your dad passed away. You know, I knew
(13:00):
a couple of his friends, and bird on the street
was that he died. Like that's what really like fucked
me up. So you mean to tell me you're gonna
tell me who this man is and then you're gonna
tell me he did in the same sensus. I don't know, Jess,
I just want to I don't know. I don't know.
(13:22):
I ain't gonna see her. I act like I do
know because I don't, and I wouldn't be here if
I did. So, please, if you couldn't enlighten me, because
I ain't trying to get the crying out here. And yes,
and yes, I vest to a therapist. I been for
a couple. I' vetted a few. But sometimes my story
can be so attractive that I lose faith that they
(13:45):
can help me, Like somebody can help me because they
feel like they so caught up in my story because
it's a lot more to it, just my healing journey,
how I went from being broken walking around with a
half a broken art to really get into my spiritual bag,
my my healing bag, my god bag and everything in
(14:06):
real arrange in my mind frame, my aura. Like I'm
literally I found my purpose within this, within this mess.
But I still got questions. Now you're telling me like
I can't even see my dad because he did, like
it's been that I haven't talked to him, and I
still want to know, like what's his real name? Like
(14:28):
that's how much it crushed me, Jess, But I appreciate
you listening to me. I just had to get it out.
It was I'm usually a lot more fluent in my conversation,
in my words, but it's a it's a touchy it's
a touchy subject for me. But I know for sure
I can't let my story die because I feel like
(14:51):
it's not worth it compared to others. So again, I
appreciate you, I appreciate the listeners. But should I I
want to make the car I want to pull up.
But what do I say? Because I'm definitely need being
considered of people's nervous systems, these old folks. I'm mamba
(15:13):
bond on some shit just based on my experience. But nah,
like tied, like I've really like, I'm trying my bag.
I really need to know these things because you ain't
sitting well with me. I keep thinking about it, man,
But again, thank you, jess.
Speaker 1 (15:31):
Oh you're talking about you trying to cry a girl
with shit? Okay, So no, this is heavy. This is
one of the heavier stories that I've had, you know,
and I've had heavy stories in the past, things that
I felt like I could help with, but I still
wanted people to get that extra professional coverage. You know
what I'm saying. You said you've gone to therapists and
(15:52):
a lot of times therapy don't. It helps you express yourself,
but it don't help to heal you, you know what I'm saying.
So I do understand that while it works for a
lot of people, it just it. It doesn't work to
the fullest for a lot of people as well, you know.
But I appreciate you sharing this with me, and just
(16:16):
just a few things, yes, call them, call them. You
got questions, boom, and I love how you're still trying
to How can I say this, You're really trying to,
You're still thinking about You're putting other people before yourself.
You know what I'm saying. You're still selfless in the situation.
(16:39):
Notice I said selfless and not selfish, and not telling
you to be selfish, but shit, you got to put
yourself first, because ty, while you walking around broken hearted,
you don't know who you are. You're trying to heal,
and you don't even know what the hell you're exactly
trying to heal from. You're still putting other people's feelings
before yours. I don't care how old they are. You
(17:01):
ain't supposed to care how old they are. Somebody owes
you some answers, and it's not just your mom, that
ain't just your grandmother. It's both of them, and they
just have to be held accountable. That's the biggest word
in this situation, accountability. You were a baby, like you said,
you are one of nine children and the only one
that was put up for adoption. I do respect your
mom for not letting her, letting your grandmother, you know,
(17:24):
force her into an abortion, because that's how you still
hear so all that about suicide and killing yourself. You
are here for a reason, and you do make a difference.
Whether you feel like there are days that you don't,
you do. You do make a difference. Know your story
ain't about the fault to the wayside. And there are
others just like you. Even if you don't do therapy,
(17:46):
there are support groups. There are women and men just
like you that feel like unknowns that feel worse than orphans,
that feel that feel like they don't even know where
they be long because they don't know who they are.
You don't kill yourself for that, And you don't feel
bad or or tiptoe around somebody's fucking feelings, you know,
(18:09):
because you don't want somebody to feel bad. You don't
want to trigger memory well, maybe if you do trigger
a couple of memories, you can get some answers because
you need that. You're in your thirties, Like you said,
your whole world was flipped upside down. You seventeen, you know,
discovering that the people that raise you aren't even your parents.
You got a lump on your breast. You go to
the doctor. You said you felt ignorant not knowing your
(18:31):
medical history because you don't know shit about your dad's
medical history or your mother's medical history. She owe you
some answers. I don't care what she going. I don't care.
And yes, you do come with love, but that love
gonna only go but so far until it turns to hate,
until it turns to anguish and misery. And that's not
where you deserve to be. So for thirteen fourteen plus years,
(18:57):
you've had a void that you have haven't been able
to fill because you don't know who you are. It's okay,
I'm gonna be honest. I cannot relate to this. I cannot.
But what I can do is tell you need to
pick up that phone you want to pull up, Pull
(19:18):
up shit, what they're gonna do? Shoot you shit? What
can they do other than look at you like you're crazy,
other than tell you more lies. You don't stop trying,
You don't. You pull up your grandmother, you pull up
your mom. Look, I know y'all may be going through things.
I know these memories, may you know suppress y'all And
(19:42):
this is a memory lane that you don't want to
go down. But please for me, for me, tell me y'all,
y'all think this shit is just gonna get swept under
the rug? Why am I the one the only one
of nine that had to be adopted by somebody else? Now,
much gratitude to your adopted parents. They definitely did right
(20:05):
with you. You're smart, you're articulate, yes you are, But you're
still broken, beautiful woman, but you are still broken, and
your adopted parents can't fix that shit. Even your mom
and your grandmother they can't fix it. But they can
help you fix it by telling you the fucking truth,
(20:26):
which you need to demand. Like I said, I don't
care how old they are. You don't need to care
either how old your grandmother is. If she ain't nonverbal
and physically disable, she can tell you. Oh, she can
jog a memory she remembers, she shot at somebody who
shot at your dad. She didn't like the way they
(20:46):
were speaking of her daughter. So that tells me that
she was automatically protective, overprotective, but fucking protective. That's her baby,
all right, Cool, your mom she ran away because she
didn't want to abort you. We don't know what the
situation was back then, but that tells me she's protective
(21:06):
in some type of way, protective over her child who
was in her womb. She knew she didn't want to
get rid of you. So you do have a purpose,
you do, but you gotta dig deeper with them, and
you can't be afraid to do it boom, because who
else gonna do it? If you love me, you'll listen
to this commercial and then we'll be right back. And
(21:27):
it's okay. It's okay for you to get emotional with me.
It's okay, sit I got emotional with you. You know.
I wish I could give you the biggest hug and
just snatch you up. I do wish that you need
that from your mom, You need that from your grandmother.
You need for them to just be like, fuck it. Listen,
(21:48):
this is what happened. You don't stop because you went
thinking about everybody else's nervous system. You don't stop, You
don't stop. You be honest with them. You tell them
these stories that I tried to kill my Listen, my
world was flipped upside down. I need to know. Since
I was seventeen, my life has not been the same.
What happened, Man, was up. I'm your baby. I'm your
(22:11):
baby too. Why mean? What did I do make her feel? You?
You understand there's already a connection because she is your mother.
Maybe she feels so bad about it. She trying to
run from it. She tried to bury those memories. Man,
dig them up, help her dig them up, and then
y'all go to therapy together. That's how you clean that up.
(22:35):
I don't give a fuck how long it take. You
need your answers, and you need to get them. Your
grandmother too. All three of y'all sit in the room,
y'all talk, Make them talk to you, make them feel you,
make them feel how you've been feeling. Make them see
what this has done to you. A part of me
(22:57):
wants to say, man, I wish that your foster parents
didn't you know, your adopted parents didn't tell you this,
But for that very reason that you were in that
hospital at your appointment and you got the lump on
your breast and they needed to know your medical history.
Is why, the very reason why everybody should know where
they came from. What if you have kids and they
(23:19):
want to know where the fuck they came from, you
need to have this information, period. And I love what
you said about how you've gone to therapy and you know,
you've been an open book to a lot of therapists
or whatever, you know, but they get so lost in
your story that they don't even help you. They don't
(23:40):
even know what it is that can help you that
they you know, because this is a very interesting story,
But that don't mean you can't be helped. It ain't
so interesting where they got to lose that way where
you can lose your way on trying to help a person.
It is, it's so interesting, you should write a book,
you know what I'm saying. But you can't write a
(24:01):
book until you get the end, you know, til you
get more answers. I also love how you said you
just want to know where your dad is. If he
in the alley, let's go get him. If he locked up,
let's go visit him. If wherever, wherever he is, you
don't know his name, even if he is deceased, where
is he buried, Let's go, let's go cemetery wherever, where's
(24:23):
his family? You want to know your grandmother, your other grandmother,
if your dad had any other kids, anything, anything. And
I also love how your adopted parents helped you. What
I want to say about them is, you know, like
you said, your dad who raised you, he was telling you, man,
don't go down you know, don't go down there and
(24:44):
try to give all and huge sounds like he was
just trying to protect you from being hurt because you're
still there, baby, you know what I mean. And they
raised you, you know, and they just seem like he's
just seemed like he was trying to protect you. So
you didn't say you were angry with him or whatever.
But I just want you to know where that came from.
(25:05):
That just came. That just comes from him not wanting
to see his daughter hurt. Because this shit does hurt.
This shit hurts me and it's not even my situation.
You get what I'm saying. So I don't want you
to give up just because you know, it seems like
you've beating a dead horse. Beat that motherfucker till it
comes alive. That's what it is. You need your answers,
(25:27):
and you should get them money, and I want you
to keep me updated. I want to follow your story more.
If there's anything else you ever want to tell me.
You keep on sending those voice notesboo, like you keep
on crying to me, You keep on opening up. It's
all right, shit, it's all right. You know I ain't
too good to listen ever, you know what I mean.
(25:49):
Neither are my listeners. Listen. Let me tell you something.
So many people listen to this podcast where somebody will
more than likely reach out to me to help you
find your father's family. I've had things like that happen
because somebody was listening and heard your story on my
podcast and reached out to me to get information on
(26:13):
you to help you find them. If you can't get
those answers from your mom and your grandmother, but I
think you still should try, still should try. It don't matter,
Be persistent, it don't matter. Do not give up because
they sleeping at night you're not. They know who they are,
you don't, so they owe you that. I don't care.
(26:34):
They owe you that and if you never get the
masters from them, I'm telling you gonna get them from
somewhere else, because there are ways. I have a cousin
who found her dad, finally found her dad. Her mom
told her the same thing, Oh he died. He died
just because she wanted to suppress those memories, like nah, nah,
what I went through with your dad was too horrifying.
(26:58):
But the thing is, when my cousin found her father,
he had just died months before she found him. Her
mom was telling her he had been dead for years
and he wasn't. He died from Sarka dosis months before
my cousin found him. You get what I'm saying, So listen,
it ain't ever too fucking late to do your own
(27:20):
research and figure it out. Boom it ain't. And that
shit didn't cost her much. You understand what I'm saying,
So get your answers and hopefully somebody hear the story
and reach out to me to help you do more.
I love you, and keep updating me. And if you
don't want to continue on the podcast, we can continue
(27:44):
in the DMS. You know what I'm saying, because after this,
after I end this episode, I'm still gonna be thinking
about it. You know what I mean. This doesn't your story.
Don't die right here because the episode is over, okay,
So check back in and keep me up dated, bab.
(28:05):
And just like that, we've come to the end of
her story. Took up the whole thing, and that's fine
with me. Y'all know we've had episodes like this before.
So keep her in your prayers, guys, I know I
sure will, and everybody have a blessed day out there,
and in to all other people out there who feel
like they don't know who they are because they're in
the same situation, y'all need to do the same thing.
(28:29):
Get them answers. There are people that can help you
and your family now, whether they want to or not,
it's on them. But I'm telling you, people know things,
people know shit, and the truth can only be hidden
for so long. I love y'all and then my deepest
pan voice peace. Next weeks. Camp Reckless is a production
(30:01):
of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio,
visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen
to your favorite shows.
Welcome to Can't Fully Reckless, the production of iHeart Radio
and the black Effects, and just like that we on
the air. Welcome back to yet another carefully reckless episode
(00:20):
with your girl. Jeffs hilarious, so we got voice notes.
I'm happy, y'all know this gets me happy every single
freaking time. Although y'all have been providing me with these
long stories and y'all have improved on y'all punctuation, so
I ain't gonna lie. I'll take it. I'll take it
for what it is. Y'all. Thank you so very much.
All right, but we're gonna jump straight in here we are.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
What's up, Jess. I'm trying to get you to fix
this mess. First of all, before I pull from you,
I want to make sure I pull into you and
let you know how grateful I am for this platform
that you have provided, you know, in this safe space
for us to get our shit off. I'm a little
heavy for you. It's not really in alignment with a
(01:03):
lot of the topics that I hear and you know,
piece and blessings to them, but this one may be
a little different for you. It may not. But I'm adopted.
I found out I was adopted two weeks before my
senior year of high school. I am right now in
my thirties and that one't around the corner or nothing
like that, but it just feels like yesterday. You feel me.
(01:26):
So I found out that my mom and my dad
wasn't my real mom and my dad, and that just
changed my world. It flipped my world like upside down.
I know that I hear a lot about people being
adopted and the unfortunate circumstances behind that, with Falster care,
being in the system, being outside on their own, not
(01:48):
having nobody around nobody. You feel me. And I always
thought that my story wasn't a priority because I've never
been in those types of situations. But when I found
out I was adopted, I was seventeen years old, and
it just it flipped my world. Before then, I was
(02:09):
on a I was being groomed for academic success, grew
up in after schools, very my parents were worked in
the government. Back then. It was like upper middle class.
That was that was the class living in Washington, DC,
born and raised, and I can hear it. You know,
I couldn't really compare. I had my growing parents because
(02:29):
you know, I thought they were my parents. So I
just thought that's what came with being the kid growing up.
But after that day when they told me, you know,
I lost myself. I forgot who I was supposed to be.
I forgot what I was supposed to do in life.
And about I say, about three four years from that,
I met my mom, my biological family. Should I say
(02:49):
I found out that I was I'm one of nine siblings.
I'm not the oldest, second oldest, or third oldest. I'm
the fourth old this and I am the only one
that was sent away for adoption and put up for adoption.
Should I say my mom? The story is she ran
away from Philly to I guess my grandmother wanted to
(03:15):
have an abortion and she ran away. Shout out to her.
You know what I'm saying. But in the midst of that,
I was asking about my dad, and I'm like, well,
my dad will my adopted father asks first on the
first meeting, you know, we had set it up complic
charities have found a way to bring us together much
(03:36):
gratitude than them. But he had asked my grandmother and
my mother, you know who your dad, who my father was,
And it gave you some like contexts. My dad is
kind of like an alpha male, not kind of like
he is an alpha male marine from the country. A
man's man, you know. He cut dry, he ain't no emotion,
(03:59):
tell it like it is, you know. And he wanted
to know who he was, and they say they didn't know.
So I've known him now for about like ten ten
eleven years, and throughout that process, you know, I had
gotten closer to my mom. I was the one that,
you know, went up there to visit all the time
to show love, and my adopted father would always be like,
(04:22):
chill out. You know what I'm saying, hold back your love,
don't go up there. You know, you gotta understand where
you come from. The whole tea, I was trying to
figure out where I really came from because I didn't know.
It felt like I had been living a lie, you know.
So they say they didn't know. I always been asking them, like,
(04:42):
you know, my dad talking to my siblings. Everybody else
knew who their father was, so I just I could
not really pinpoint why nobody knows who my dad is.
But I left it alone because I came with open arms,
me saying, my mom and my dad the ones that
create me. It's a level of respect that I have
(05:03):
for them, even though things turned out the way it did,
even though they made the decision to do what they
needed to do, or however however it was back then.
I don't know, but I've come to learn that although
I tried to dismiss it, it still bothers me. You know,
I still want to know more. I still as much
(05:23):
as I want to act like I don't care and
not so much don't care, but it's nothing that I
can get from. It's something, and my soul tells me
that it's some more information. It always told me that,
but it was just it was something out did. This
didn't make sense. So around the pandemic, you know, everything
was on the open truth, the lies. You know, it
(05:48):
was a lot of spiritual information out there, and if
you tapped in, you caught the beat. So one of
the beasts that I caught mom, I caught my mom,
my birth mom. One night, I cut her up on
the FaceTime and she started talking about her father and
this was like some information that I never heard. She
never really talked about her past or whoever. And I
(06:10):
felt like it was the perfect moment for me to
post a question again, like where my dad at Because
at this point in time, I'm kind of telling I'm
bracing myself and telling myself, you know, happy birthday to
my dad and rest the peace of my dad, all
at the same time, all in the same breath. So
it was just still on my heart to know who
this guy was. So she started to elaborate a little bit,
(06:32):
and the way she elaborated was if he was around
when she ran away. The story for me always starts
when she ran away from Philly to DC, you know
what I'm saying, And she gave me like a nickname,
but she didn't when I went to ask her about
who that name was that I've never heard, she kind
(06:53):
of snapped out of it and got off the phone,
you know, that type of time. So I was just
left with that. But it felt like a little piece
that I was getting closer, that I wasn't tripping to
keep trying to be adamant, like who my dad is.
So one day I'm at work, my grandmother calls. Now
we didn't have that type of relationship where she called,
you know, if I can't pop up in the city
(07:15):
and I seen her. You know, it was the grandmother love,
but it wasn't like the relationship that I over here
like my other siblings have, or my one boy cousin
he got real close with. It wasn't that or how
the relationship was with my grandmother, my adoptive grandmother, my
mother's mother, my adopter's mother's mother. So she called me
(07:36):
and I mentioned to her about the conversation that I
have with my mom. So she goes into a story
that like absolutely blows my mom. And I don't want
to get cut off. But one day she was at
the bar in Philly and her homegirls. It's my grandmother,
So I'm thinking she's probably like in her thirties, her
(07:56):
early thirties, like my age around that time or something
like that, and her good, good girlfriends told her that
there was some dude talking about my mother, her daughter
at the time, her minor daughter at the time, and
my grandmother ain't like what the people were telling her,
(08:16):
so she popped off at the bar and tried to
shoot him. He said she shot at him. She said
she shot at him three times. She missed though, but
she shot at him. So when I hear that story,
I'm like, Damn, I'm a bit taken back. I'm taking
him back because I'm finally hearing something about my dad.
(08:38):
But I'm also taking back like, damn, that's not no
story you ever forget. And I have been asking you,
I been asking everybody what's up with my dad? Like
I don't care what type of man he is? Where
he ain't in an alley. If he in an alley,
we go get him, you know what I'm saying. If
he at the jail, we go visit him. If he
you know what I'm saying. If he up, We're gonna
(08:59):
try to go see up with him and let him know.
It's just all love. But I just wanted to know
who my pops was. And you can't tell me that
it's not fucked up that you wanna tell me your
story like this, as if you never as something you forgot.
Now you may have forced yourself to forget because it's
something you don't want to think about that. I know
(09:20):
you in your old age, lady, and you you know
you in your Bible and all of this, and you're
trying to get right before your days are however, yo,
But I've been looked at for my dad and just
the way that I opened my arms with no questions
of why I'm Why am I the only one that
got adopted? What was up with me? Why me? I
(09:41):
never posed that? And also I ain't really had time
because I was so broken in the fact that the
people that I've been with and look like they not
even my real parents and everybody else know before me.
Everybody knew but me that type time, So I ain't
really had time to try to go back on them
on those I'm healing. I'm trying to heal. I'm growing.
(10:04):
I had to make some mistakes through self sabosage. You
know what I'm saying, doubt myself. I lost myself. I
ain't never get in trouble go Obama. You know where
I like, really hurt myself where I can't come back.
You know what I'm saying. I want to try and
hurt myself, kill my soul. But I felt some type
of way, but my heart wouldn't allow me to have
my fleshy feelings about this circumstance. Up.
Speaker 1 (10:28):
Hold up, I know this shit getting good, But listen
to just a couple of seconds of a commercial.
Speaker 2 (10:32):
If you love me, you'll listen, so fast forward.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
I It's okay.
Speaker 2 (10:46):
I found something, you know, I found a lump on
my breast, just a little something. At the time, it
was just a little lump, and by me going to
the doctor and stuff, that question kept th that was,
you know your medical history? Do you know your family
medical history? And I'm like, I kept just saying I
don't know, I don't know. I feel so ignorant, just
(11:08):
being like, I don't know. But ever since my grandmother
told me that I haven't spoken to them, I just
cut off all communication because the next thing that I
have to say to my mom is something. It will
be presented in a way that she's not used to,
not by anger, not by verbal attack, nothing like that.
(11:31):
But just like the questions, and I have more and
more questions, I have combound. The questions are why me
and all that's gonna come out, and I know it is,
but at this point in time, I have a medical
issue that's causing me to ask questions or why I
don't know my medical history? Like I'm fine, I'm good,
but if something else supposed to come up. You need
(11:53):
to notice. You can't look at your adopted parents because
they medical history don't matter. You can't you can't look
at nobody that you've been around all your life, that's
been family all your life, and get that piece of information.
So what I'm asking you, Jess, is because I refuse to.
I I've been holding on not calling them because I
(12:16):
don't want to. I ain't never been that type of
person in that bag, never, never, and I don't have
none to say to them. But I know that the
mature thing for me and my health is to know
this type of information. I can't go in life without
this information. So I'm asking you, like, where do I start? Like,
(12:37):
although I want that piece of information, I can't let
that information distruct me from really want to know the truth.
Like why didn't you tell me who my dad was?
And you know what the kicker was about the information?
She told me that my dad died. She was like,
I think your dad passed away. You know, I knew
(13:00):
a couple of his friends, and bird on the street
was that he died. Like that's what really like fucked
me up. So you mean to tell me you're gonna
tell me who this man is and then you're gonna
tell me he did in the same sensus. I don't know, Jess,
I just want to I don't know. I don't know.
(13:22):
I ain't gonna see her. I act like I do
know because I don't, and I wouldn't be here if
I did. So, please, if you couldn't enlighten me, because
I ain't trying to get the crying out here. And yes,
and yes, I vest to a therapist. I been for
a couple. I' vetted a few. But sometimes my story
can be so attractive that I lose faith that they
(13:45):
can help me, Like somebody can help me because they
feel like they so caught up in my story because
it's a lot more to it, just my healing journey,
how I went from being broken walking around with a
half a broken art to really get into my spiritual bag,
my my healing bag, my god bag and everything in
(14:06):
real arrange in my mind frame, my aura. Like I'm
literally I found my purpose within this, within this mess.
But I still got questions. Now you're telling me like
I can't even see my dad because he did, like
it's been that I haven't talked to him, and I
still want to know, like what's his real name? Like
(14:28):
that's how much it crushed me, Jess, But I appreciate
you listening to me. I just had to get it out.
It was I'm usually a lot more fluent in my conversation,
in my words, but it's a it's a touchy it's
a touchy subject for me. But I know for sure
I can't let my story die because I feel like
(14:51):
it's not worth it compared to others. So again, I
appreciate you, I appreciate the listeners. But should I I
want to make the car I want to pull up.
But what do I say? Because I'm definitely need being
considered of people's nervous systems, these old folks. I'm mamba
(15:13):
bond on some shit just based on my experience. But nah,
like tied, like I've really like, I'm trying my bag.
I really need to know these things because you ain't
sitting well with me. I keep thinking about it, man,
But again, thank you, jess.
Speaker 1 (15:31):
Oh you're talking about you trying to cry a girl
with shit? Okay, So no, this is heavy. This is
one of the heavier stories that I've had, you know,
and I've had heavy stories in the past, things that
I felt like I could help with, but I still
wanted people to get that extra professional coverage. You know
what I'm saying. You said you've gone to therapists and
(15:52):
a lot of times therapy don't. It helps you express yourself,
but it don't help to heal you, you know what I'm saying.
So I do understand that while it works for a
lot of people, it just it. It doesn't work to
the fullest for a lot of people as well, you know.
But I appreciate you sharing this with me, and just
(16:16):
just a few things, yes, call them, call them. You
got questions, boom, and I love how you're still trying
to How can I say this, You're really trying to,
You're still thinking about You're putting other people before yourself.
You know what I'm saying. You're still selfless in the situation.
(16:39):
Notice I said selfless and not selfish, and not telling
you to be selfish, but shit, you got to put
yourself first, because ty, while you walking around broken hearted,
you don't know who you are. You're trying to heal,
and you don't even know what the hell you're exactly
trying to heal from. You're still putting other people's feelings
before yours. I don't care how old they are. You
(17:01):
ain't supposed to care how old they are. Somebody owes
you some answers, and it's not just your mom, that
ain't just your grandmother. It's both of them, and they
just have to be held accountable. That's the biggest word
in this situation, accountability. You were a baby, like you said,
you are one of nine children and the only one
that was put up for adoption. I do respect your
mom for not letting her, letting your grandmother, you know,
(17:24):
force her into an abortion, because that's how you still
hear so all that about suicide and killing yourself. You
are here for a reason, and you do make a difference.
Whether you feel like there are days that you don't,
you do. You do make a difference. Know your story
ain't about the fault to the wayside. And there are
others just like you. Even if you don't do therapy,
(17:46):
there are support groups. There are women and men just
like you that feel like unknowns that feel worse than orphans,
that feel that feel like they don't even know where
they be long because they don't know who they are.
You don't kill yourself for that, And you don't feel
bad or or tiptoe around somebody's fucking feelings, you know,
(18:09):
because you don't want somebody to feel bad. You don't
want to trigger memory well, maybe if you do trigger
a couple of memories, you can get some answers because
you need that. You're in your thirties, Like you said,
your whole world was flipped upside down. You seventeen, you know,
discovering that the people that raise you aren't even your parents.
You got a lump on your breast. You go to
the doctor. You said you felt ignorant not knowing your
(18:31):
medical history because you don't know shit about your dad's
medical history or your mother's medical history. She owe you
some answers. I don't care what she going. I don't care.
And yes, you do come with love, but that love
gonna only go but so far until it turns to hate,
until it turns to anguish and misery. And that's not
where you deserve to be. So for thirteen fourteen plus years,
(18:57):
you've had a void that you have haven't been able
to fill because you don't know who you are. It's okay,
I'm gonna be honest. I cannot relate to this. I cannot.
But what I can do is tell you need to
pick up that phone you want to pull up, Pull
(19:18):
up shit, what they're gonna do? Shoot you shit? What
can they do other than look at you like you're crazy,
other than tell you more lies. You don't stop trying,
You don't. You pull up your grandmother, you pull up
your mom. Look, I know y'all may be going through things.
I know these memories, may you know suppress y'all And
(19:42):
this is a memory lane that you don't want to
go down. But please for me, for me, tell me y'all,
y'all think this shit is just gonna get swept under
the rug? Why am I the one the only one
of nine that had to be adopted by somebody else? Now,
much gratitude to your adopted parents. They definitely did right
(20:05):
with you. You're smart, you're articulate, yes you are, But you're
still broken, beautiful woman, but you are still broken, and
your adopted parents can't fix that shit. Even your mom
and your grandmother they can't fix it. But they can
help you fix it by telling you the fucking truth,
(20:26):
which you need to demand. Like I said, I don't
care how old they are. You don't need to care
either how old your grandmother is. If she ain't nonverbal
and physically disable, she can tell you. Oh, she can
jog a memory she remembers, she shot at somebody who
shot at your dad. She didn't like the way they
(20:46):
were speaking of her daughter. So that tells me that
she was automatically protective, overprotective, but fucking protective. That's her baby,
all right, Cool, your mom she ran away because she
didn't want to abort you. We don't know what the
situation was back then, but that tells me she's protective
(21:06):
in some type of way, protective over her child who
was in her womb. She knew she didn't want to
get rid of you. So you do have a purpose,
you do, but you gotta dig deeper with them, and
you can't be afraid to do it boom, because who
else gonna do it? If you love me, you'll listen
to this commercial and then we'll be right back. And
(21:27):
it's okay. It's okay for you to get emotional with me.
It's okay, sit I got emotional with you. You know.
I wish I could give you the biggest hug and
just snatch you up. I do wish that you need
that from your mom, You need that from your grandmother.
You need for them to just be like, fuck it. Listen,
(21:48):
this is what happened. You don't stop because you went
thinking about everybody else's nervous system. You don't stop, You
don't stop. You be honest with them. You tell them
these stories that I tried to kill my Listen, my
world was flipped upside down. I need to know. Since
I was seventeen, my life has not been the same.
What happened, Man, was up. I'm your baby. I'm your
(22:11):
baby too. Why mean? What did I do make her feel? You?
You understand there's already a connection because she is your mother.
Maybe she feels so bad about it. She trying to
run from it. She tried to bury those memories. Man,
dig them up, help her dig them up, and then
y'all go to therapy together. That's how you clean that up.
(22:35):
I don't give a fuck how long it take. You
need your answers, and you need to get them. Your
grandmother too. All three of y'all sit in the room,
y'all talk, Make them talk to you, make them feel you,
make them feel how you've been feeling. Make them see
what this has done to you. A part of me
(22:57):
wants to say, man, I wish that your foster parents
didn't you know, your adopted parents didn't tell you this,
But for that very reason that you were in that
hospital at your appointment and you got the lump on
your breast and they needed to know your medical history.
Is why, the very reason why everybody should know where
they came from. What if you have kids and they
(23:19):
want to know where the fuck they came from, you
need to have this information, period. And I love what
you said about how you've gone to therapy and you know,
you've been an open book to a lot of therapists
or whatever, you know, but they get so lost in
your story that they don't even help you. They don't
(23:40):
even know what it is that can help you that
they you know, because this is a very interesting story,
But that don't mean you can't be helped. It ain't
so interesting where they got to lose that way where
you can lose your way on trying to help a person.
It is, it's so interesting, you should write a book,
you know what I'm saying. But you can't write a
(24:01):
book until you get the end, you know, til you
get more answers. I also love how you said you
just want to know where your dad is. If he
in the alley, let's go get him. If he locked up,
let's go visit him. If wherever, wherever he is, you
don't know his name, even if he is deceased, where
is he buried, Let's go, let's go cemetery wherever, where's
(24:23):
his family? You want to know your grandmother, your other grandmother,
if your dad had any other kids, anything, anything. And
I also love how your adopted parents helped you. What
I want to say about them is, you know, like
you said, your dad who raised you, he was telling you, man,
don't go down you know, don't go down there and
(24:44):
try to give all and huge sounds like he was
just trying to protect you from being hurt because you're
still there, baby, you know what I mean. And they
raised you, you know, and they just seem like he's
just seemed like he was trying to protect you. So
you didn't say you were angry with him or whatever.
But I just want you to know where that came from.
(25:05):
That just came. That just comes from him not wanting
to see his daughter hurt. Because this shit does hurt.
This shit hurts me and it's not even my situation.
You get what I'm saying. So I don't want you
to give up just because you know, it seems like
you've beating a dead horse. Beat that motherfucker till it
comes alive. That's what it is. You need your answers,
(25:27):
and you should get them money, and I want you
to keep me updated. I want to follow your story more.
If there's anything else you ever want to tell me.
You keep on sending those voice notesboo, like you keep
on crying to me, You keep on opening up. It's
all right, shit, it's all right. You know I ain't
too good to listen ever, you know what I mean.
(25:49):
Neither are my listeners. Listen. Let me tell you something.
So many people listen to this podcast where somebody will
more than likely reach out to me to help you
find your father's family. I've had things like that happen
because somebody was listening and heard your story on my
podcast and reached out to me to get information on
(26:13):
you to help you find them. If you can't get
those answers from your mom and your grandmother, but I
think you still should try, still should try. It don't matter,
Be persistent, it don't matter. Do not give up because
they sleeping at night you're not. They know who they are,
you don't, so they owe you that. I don't care.
(26:34):
They owe you that and if you never get the
masters from them, I'm telling you gonna get them from
somewhere else, because there are ways. I have a cousin
who found her dad, finally found her dad. Her mom
told her the same thing, Oh he died. He died
just because she wanted to suppress those memories, like nah, nah,
what I went through with your dad was too horrifying.
(26:58):
But the thing is, when my cousin found her father,
he had just died months before she found him. Her
mom was telling her he had been dead for years
and he wasn't. He died from Sarka dosis months before
my cousin found him. You get what I'm saying, So listen,
it ain't ever too fucking late to do your own
(27:20):
research and figure it out. Boom it ain't. And that
shit didn't cost her much. You understand what I'm saying,
So get your answers and hopefully somebody hear the story
and reach out to me to help you do more.
I love you, and keep updating me. And if you
don't want to continue on the podcast, we can continue
(27:44):
in the DMS. You know what I'm saying, because after this,
after I end this episode, I'm still gonna be thinking
about it. You know what I mean. This doesn't your story.
Don't die right here because the episode is over, okay,
So check back in and keep me up dated, bab.
(28:05):
And just like that, we've come to the end of
her story. Took up the whole thing, and that's fine
with me. Y'all know we've had episodes like this before.
So keep her in your prayers, guys, I know I
sure will, and everybody have a blessed day out there,
and in to all other people out there who feel
like they don't know who they are because they're in
the same situation, y'all need to do the same thing.
(28:29):
Get them answers. There are people that can help you
and your family now, whether they want to or not,
it's on them. But I'm telling you, people know things,
people know shit, and the truth can only be hidden
for so long. I love y'all and then my deepest
pan voice peace. Next weeks. Camp Reckless is a production
(30:01):
of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio,
visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen
to your favorite shows.
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