May 2, 2024 • 19 mins
Okay, it's time to get real. You have probably seen posts on social media, or your therapist has told you that you need to heal your inner child. Maybe you’ve even done the work with them, but your inner child is still running and maybe ruining your life.
When new clients come and see me, and they share that they have done inner child work, I find that they missed one crucial step. Listen to this episode to find out what are some things you can do to start healing your inner child.
If you want to read more, here is my blog.
Be good to yourself and your inner child.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
Hi everybody.
This is your Chinese.
YiYi, Patricia Petersen.
I wanted to talk about this topictoday because in my work as a
therapist, One of the commonthings is that I've had clients.
(00:21):
They've done inner child work,but they still feel stuck.
And what I found is that.
The reason they are still stuck,or one of the reasons they are
still feeling stuck is because.
They acknowledged the inner child,but they are not nourishing and
(00:44):
looking after the inner child.
Now in this episode today, theterms inner child, younger self.
Your little all refer to your inner child.
So let's get real here.
(01:08):
You've probably seen posts on social media
or your therapist has told you thatyou need to heal your inner child.
But how does that look like?
Even though for many of you whohave done in the child work.
you still get activated.
Easily.
(01:28):
And.
If you zoom out and lookat what's happening.
your inner child.
That hurt part of you is probablystill running your life.
Here are some signs that yourinner child is still in charge.
You get activated easily, especiallywhen someone close to you, your
(01:51):
partner cannot meet your needs.
You ruminate in negativethoughts all the time.
You often feel rejected,abandoned, humiliated, and
betrayed by the people around you.
You feel like you're overreact to certainsituations, but don't understand why.
(02:11):
You look back two days laterand you can't figure out.
why you.
Overreacted.
Now why is your innerchild still feeling hurt?
In most people, your youngerself might have been ignored,
abused, rejected, and traumatized.
(02:32):
When you were young.
The source of pain may alsocome from unmet, emotional needs.
Especially when you wereyounger, your main caregiver.
Wasn't present or your main caregiver.
Got sick.
Death of a parent.
or, your childhood, bestie.
They moved away and nobodyunderstood why you were so sad.
(02:55):
So you were not seen or heard.
When things were tough.
When you were younger.
What does the healing process look like?
there are two parts to this, Andpart two is often what I found.
Is missing in clients whohave done inner child work.
(03:22):
Part One to healing.
Your inner child looks likeacknowledging your inner child.
Connect with your innerchild, your younger self.
Practice self-compassion.
Allow yourself to feel the emotionsthat are arising when you get activated.
And identify why your inner childfeels hurt when something happens.
(03:45):
This means you investigate and you havea conversation with your younger self.
For example.
You share good news with your partnerand they didn't acknowledge your
joy the way you wanted them to.
You felt hurt.
Do you know why.
(04:05):
Maybe it is because when you wereyounger, you always did well in school.
But your parents did notacknowledge your efforts.
And they consistently ignoredyou when you got good grades.
When you came in number one in asports competition, but nobody.
(04:27):
Especially your main caregivers.
They did not acknowledge your efforts.
So in present day, when your partner.
They did not react the wayyou thought they should.
You felt hurt because youryounger self still feels unseen.
Now, ask yourself the following questions.
(04:48):
When you get activated.
What happened in the past?
How does that impact the adult me?
I'll say more about this in a bit.
(05:10):
Now, part two, this is the important part.
Part two in healing.
Your inner child is youneed to reparent yourself.
It is so great that you'reacknowledging your younger self.
But you also need to reparentthe child who is still hurting.
(05:30):
When I tell clients this
grief and anger shows up.
What do you mean?
I need to reparent myself.
You mean no one is goingto come and save me?
Now.
This is a totallyreasonable reaction, right?
Think about this.
(05:50):
As a young child, if nobody was there to.
hear you to comfort you.
And you feel abandoned.
When you become an adultthere is still this lingering
hope that somebody will safe.
Somebody will come andtake all this pain away.
(06:12):
So there is grief.
When you realize you needto reparent yourself.
feel the grief feel the anger processed.
Then you do the work to learn how to loveyourself and nourish your younger self.
Provide yourself with the love andcare you did not get as a child.
(06:36):
What are other things you can do?
Play.
write.
dance draw, do pottery.
Sing.
Do activities that your younger self wouldlike, but was told, was silly or childish.
(06:58):
Forgive now I knowforgiveness can be hard.
But practice forgiveness for yourself,your caregivers, and those who hurt you.
You cannot skip to this stepwithout doing the other steps.
Don't Gaslight yourself.
Remember.
(07:19):
Engage with your youngerself with your inner child.
How do you engage with your inner child?
So some questions you can ask your innerchild when you feel hurt unseen or.
unheard
are, What do you need right now?
Little, what can I bring you?
(07:41):
Do you want me to contact our bestfriend, our partner or therapist?
will movement help?
Should we go swimming?
It's a nice day outside.
Do you want to go for a walkto the playground little?
Think about what did youlove to do as a child?
(08:02):
Go back to that.
So I loved to paint.
I wanted to be an artist, but my verystrict conservative Chinese mother
said that art wouldn't pay the bills.
So I stopped painting for 20 years.
Remember healing is a process.
It is okay to take it one step at a time,be patient and gentle with yourself as
(08:28):
you work towards healing your inner child.
If you have been following mefor awhile, you know, I believe.
In the importance of community.
We need each other however, you alsoneed to be responsible for doing
the work to heal your inner child.
(08:48):
How does that look like when youfeel hurt, you feel activated.
You feel that you're not seen.
Check in with your younger self,give your younger self a name.
I call mine Little.
Ask the questions thatI mentioned just now.
And then you reach out to your community.
(09:09):
To your bestie.
To your therapist.
Hey, this came up.
Can you witness me?
Can you listen to me?
As I process this pain.
A few other things to consider.
Your inner child wants to know theywould not be alone and abandoned again.
(09:32):
If you always depend on others to validateyou and make you feel good and loved.
What are you telling your younger self?
And are you abandoning your youngerself again, if you don't take the
time to nourish and love them.
(10:08):
Feel your feet right now.
I know those are difficult andimportant questions to hear.
I want to share with you how itlooked like when I was doing.
My inner child work.
So for me.
I was introduced to the idea.
(10:30):
Of healing my wounded innerchild about 10 years ago.
It was a new conceptbecause I wasn't in tune.
With the idea that a partof me was still hurt now.
When I look back now, of course.
Parts of me were still hurtbecause my caregivers were not
(10:53):
present when I was a child.
I had to become veryindependent at a young age.
And then I left home when I was 19.
So.
I learned to survive by beingstrong, being resilient.
You know, not processing my emotions.
(11:13):
But when I got into a relationship.
What I found was that when Iwas in relationships or even
in friendships and in a worksituation, I often got triggered.
Activated easily.
Somebody said something.
And I.
Put a whole ton of meaning into it.
(11:34):
Even though that's not true.
But why.
Because my younger self.
Felt hurt.
And when my youngest self.
Felt that the situation wasunfair or when she felt like.
She wasn't heard or seen.
She gave a lot of meaning.
(11:57):
Into a situation.
into an event.
So when I started healing, my innerchild first step was acknowledging it.
I gave her a name.
My little.
And.
I pick an age to work with.
(12:17):
For many years.
The younger self that showed upthat needed the most healing.
was my six year old self.
So I started to engage with her every day.
I would call her in a fewtimes and check in with her.
Especially when I was feelingsad or when I was feeling
angry, frustrated, irritable.
(12:39):
Hey little what's going on?
What do you leave then?
I paused.
I.
Listen to what she has to say.
Maybe she felt that whenmy partner said something.
She felt like it was mom anddad doing the same thing again.
So then what do I do?
I reminded her.
(13:01):
That we are not alone anymore.
We have our people that we can go to.
And then I ask her.
What do you need?
Hmm, maybe she needed a hug.
Maybe she wanted to go for a walk.
Maybe she wants to go for a drive.
If possible, I would do someof those activities with her.
(13:25):
And then, you know what I did, Iwent to the playground and set on the
swings because I used to love that.
As a child.
You know, when you become an adult,those are things that you just.
Stopped doing becausewhat does society tell us?
Society tells us that it ischildish to do somethings.
(13:45):
So I.
would go to the playground.
A few times a week and sat on the swings.
Now again, if there are children there.
I don't take their swings.
You know, I will go early in themorning when the playground was quiet.
I consistently.
Have a conversation with mylittle and I still do it today.
(14:08):
I also reach out to my community.
And I see my therapist regularly, soI can process any pain that comes up.
One of the things that I learned to dois I acknowledge that when I'm activated,
when I feel frustrated or irritable, Ipause because it is my youngest self.
(14:31):
Who is hurt.
I take responsibility.
The adult me takesresponsibility when I feel hurt.
And then I slow down and I check in.
I also bought my little a stuffed animal.
Her name is my ma-poh and thestuffed animal is a hippo.
(14:54):
I put it.
On the bed.
As a comfort.
For my younger self.
(15:16):
Now, if it is safe for you.
Hopefully, you're not listeningto this when you're driving.
Make sure you're safe.
Close your eyes.
If you're new to inner child work.
As you close your eyes and you check in.
How old.
Is the part of you that needs healing?
(15:40):
Now for most of us thereare different parts.
I worked with my six year oldfor a couple of years, and then
I went to the eight year old.
And then now I'm walkingwith my 11 year old.
So I invite you right now.
Close your eyes.
Check in, take a breath.
(16:03):
And if you ask yourself the question.
Hey, younger self.
I'm here.
How old are you?
Don't overthink this.
See what shows up.
And then open your eyes.
(16:24):
For some people.
When you check in.
You cannot visualize the youngest self.
There are many reasons to that.
It could be that your younger self.
Is so pissed off.
They don't even want to talk to you.
(16:44):
Or.
You're not a visual person.
So it's going to take some time.
If It is really difficult for youto visualize a younger part of you.
Can you imagine that the part of you.
That is hurt.
That needs healing.
(17:05):
Is a child.
That you love, maybe it's your niece.
Maybe it's your nephew.
So this child that needs healing.
Imagine them to be the most loving.
Kind funny.
child.
And.
(17:25):
They just want you to love them up.
So start working with that.
I invite you.
To bring this to your therapist.
Talk to them.
If you have not done inner child work.
And go from there.
Remember, don't do this on your own.
Reach out to your people,to your therapist.
(17:49):
You don't have to do this alone.
Here's the thing I want you to remember.
You.
All parts of you are worthy of love.
You are not a burden.
You never were.
I'm going to say this again.
(18:10):
You all parts of you are worthy of love.
You are not a burden and you never were.
Take care of your younger self.
The key to healing, your wounded innerchild is to integrate the inner child.
engage with that part ofyou that needs to be seen.
(18:33):
heard understood.
And support.
You can do this.
Sending you lots of love.
Thanks so much for listening tothis episode of the Conversations
With Your Chinese Auntie Podcast.
If you're enjoying the show, pleasefeel free to rate, subscribe,
(18:53):
and leave a review whereveryou listen to your podcasts.
That helps others find the show,and we greatly appreciate it.
Also, remember to sign upfor our newsletter to receive
free materials and updates.
Links in the website, patriciapetersen.
ca.
That's P A T R I C I A P E T E R S E N.
(19:14):
C A.
Again, thanks for listening.
We hope you have a great week, andwe'll see you in the next episode.
Hi everybody.
This is your Chinese.
YiYi, Patricia Petersen.
I wanted to talk about this topictoday because in my work as a
therapist, One of the commonthings is that I've had clients.
(00:21):
They've done inner child work,but they still feel stuck.
And what I found is that.
The reason they are still stuck,or one of the reasons they are
still feeling stuck is because.
They acknowledged the inner child,but they are not nourishing and
(00:44):
looking after the inner child.
Now in this episode today, theterms inner child, younger self.
Your little all refer to your inner child.
So let's get real here.
(01:08):
You've probably seen posts on social media
or your therapist has told you thatyou need to heal your inner child.
But how does that look like?
Even though for many of you whohave done in the child work.
you still get activated.
Easily.
(01:28):
And.
If you zoom out and lookat what's happening.
your inner child.
That hurt part of you is probablystill running your life.
Here are some signs that yourinner child is still in charge.
You get activated easily, especiallywhen someone close to you, your
(01:51):
partner cannot meet your needs.
You ruminate in negativethoughts all the time.
You often feel rejected,abandoned, humiliated, and
betrayed by the people around you.
You feel like you're overreact to certainsituations, but don't understand why.
(02:11):
You look back two days laterand you can't figure out.
why you.
Overreacted.
Now why is your innerchild still feeling hurt?
In most people, your youngerself might have been ignored,
abused, rejected, and traumatized.
(02:32):
When you were young.
The source of pain may alsocome from unmet, emotional needs.
Especially when you wereyounger, your main caregiver.
Wasn't present or your main caregiver.
Got sick.
Death of a parent.
or, your childhood, bestie.
They moved away and nobodyunderstood why you were so sad.
(02:55):
So you were not seen or heard.
When things were tough.
When you were younger.
What does the healing process look like?
there are two parts to this, Andpart two is often what I found.
Is missing in clients whohave done inner child work.
(03:22):
Part One to healing.
Your inner child looks likeacknowledging your inner child.
Connect with your innerchild, your younger self.
Practice self-compassion.
Allow yourself to feel the emotionsthat are arising when you get activated.
And identify why your inner childfeels hurt when something happens.
(03:45):
This means you investigate and you havea conversation with your younger self.
For example.
You share good news with your partnerand they didn't acknowledge your
joy the way you wanted them to.
You felt hurt.
Do you know why.
(04:05):
Maybe it is because when you wereyounger, you always did well in school.
But your parents did notacknowledge your efforts.
And they consistently ignoredyou when you got good grades.
When you came in number one in asports competition, but nobody.
(04:27):
Especially your main caregivers.
They did not acknowledge your efforts.
So in present day, when your partner.
They did not react the wayyou thought they should.
You felt hurt because youryounger self still feels unseen.
Now, ask yourself the following questions.
(04:48):
When you get activated.
What happened in the past?
How does that impact the adult me?
I'll say more about this in a bit.
(05:10):
Now, part two, this is the important part.
Part two in healing.
Your inner child is youneed to reparent yourself.
It is so great that you'reacknowledging your younger self.
But you also need to reparentthe child who is still hurting.
(05:30):
When I tell clients this
grief and anger shows up.
What do you mean?
I need to reparent myself.
You mean no one is goingto come and save me?
Now.
This is a totallyreasonable reaction, right?
Think about this.
(05:50):
As a young child, if nobody was there to.
hear you to comfort you.
And you feel abandoned.
When you become an adultthere is still this lingering
hope that somebody will safe.
Somebody will come andtake all this pain away.
(06:12):
So there is grief.
When you realize you needto reparent yourself.
feel the grief feel the anger processed.
Then you do the work to learn how to loveyourself and nourish your younger self.
Provide yourself with the love andcare you did not get as a child.
(06:36):
What are other things you can do?
Play.
write.
dance draw, do pottery.
Sing.
Do activities that your younger self wouldlike, but was told, was silly or childish.
(06:58):
Forgive now I knowforgiveness can be hard.
But practice forgiveness for yourself,your caregivers, and those who hurt you.
You cannot skip to this stepwithout doing the other steps.
Don't Gaslight yourself.
Remember.
(07:19):
Engage with your youngerself with your inner child.
How do you engage with your inner child?
So some questions you can ask your innerchild when you feel hurt unseen or.
unheard
are, What do you need right now?
Little, what can I bring you?
(07:41):
Do you want me to contact our bestfriend, our partner or therapist?
will movement help?
Should we go swimming?
It's a nice day outside.
Do you want to go for a walkto the playground little?
Think about what did youlove to do as a child?
(08:02):
Go back to that.
So I loved to paint.
I wanted to be an artist, but my verystrict conservative Chinese mother
said that art wouldn't pay the bills.
So I stopped painting for 20 years.
Remember healing is a process.
It is okay to take it one step at a time,be patient and gentle with yourself as
(08:28):
you work towards healing your inner child.
If you have been following mefor awhile, you know, I believe.
In the importance of community.
We need each other however, you alsoneed to be responsible for doing
the work to heal your inner child.
(08:48):
How does that look like when youfeel hurt, you feel activated.
You feel that you're not seen.
Check in with your younger self,give your younger self a name.
I call mine Little.
Ask the questions thatI mentioned just now.
And then you reach out to your community.
(09:09):
To your bestie.
To your therapist.
Hey, this came up.
Can you witness me?
Can you listen to me?
As I process this pain.
A few other things to consider.
Your inner child wants to know theywould not be alone and abandoned again.
(09:32):
If you always depend on others to validateyou and make you feel good and loved.
What are you telling your younger self?
And are you abandoning your youngerself again, if you don't take the
time to nourish and love them.
(10:08):
Feel your feet right now.
I know those are difficult andimportant questions to hear.
I want to share with you how itlooked like when I was doing.
My inner child work.
So for me.
I was introduced to the idea.
(10:30):
Of healing my wounded innerchild about 10 years ago.
It was a new conceptbecause I wasn't in tune.
With the idea that a partof me was still hurt now.
When I look back now, of course.
Parts of me were still hurtbecause my caregivers were not
(10:53):
present when I was a child.
I had to become veryindependent at a young age.
And then I left home when I was 19.
So.
I learned to survive by beingstrong, being resilient.
You know, not processing my emotions.
(11:13):
But when I got into a relationship.
What I found was that when Iwas in relationships or even
in friendships and in a worksituation, I often got triggered.
Activated easily.
Somebody said something.
And I.
Put a whole ton of meaning into it.
(11:34):
Even though that's not true.
But why.
Because my younger self.
Felt hurt.
And when my youngest self.
Felt that the situation wasunfair or when she felt like.
She wasn't heard or seen.
She gave a lot of meaning.
(11:57):
Into a situation.
into an event.
So when I started healing, my innerchild first step was acknowledging it.
I gave her a name.
My little.
And.
I pick an age to work with.
(12:17):
For many years.
The younger self that showed upthat needed the most healing.
was my six year old self.
So I started to engage with her every day.
I would call her in a fewtimes and check in with her.
Especially when I was feelingsad or when I was feeling
angry, frustrated, irritable.
(12:39):
Hey little what's going on?
What do you leave then?
I paused.
I.
Listen to what she has to say.
Maybe she felt that whenmy partner said something.
She felt like it was mom anddad doing the same thing again.
So then what do I do?
I reminded her.
(13:01):
That we are not alone anymore.
We have our people that we can go to.
And then I ask her.
What do you need?
Hmm, maybe she needed a hug.
Maybe she wanted to go for a walk.
Maybe she wants to go for a drive.
If possible, I would do someof those activities with her.
(13:25):
And then, you know what I did, Iwent to the playground and set on the
swings because I used to love that.
As a child.
You know, when you become an adult,those are things that you just.
Stopped doing becausewhat does society tell us?
Society tells us that it ischildish to do somethings.
(13:45):
So I.
would go to the playground.
A few times a week and sat on the swings.
Now again, if there are children there.
I don't take their swings.
You know, I will go early in themorning when the playground was quiet.
I consistently.
Have a conversation with mylittle and I still do it today.
(14:08):
I also reach out to my community.
And I see my therapist regularly, soI can process any pain that comes up.
One of the things that I learned to dois I acknowledge that when I'm activated,
when I feel frustrated or irritable, Ipause because it is my youngest self.
(14:31):
Who is hurt.
I take responsibility.
The adult me takesresponsibility when I feel hurt.
And then I slow down and I check in.
I also bought my little a stuffed animal.
Her name is my ma-poh and thestuffed animal is a hippo.
(14:54):
I put it.
On the bed.
As a comfort.
For my younger self.
(15:16):
Now, if it is safe for you.
Hopefully, you're not listeningto this when you're driving.
Make sure you're safe.
Close your eyes.
If you're new to inner child work.
As you close your eyes and you check in.
How old.
Is the part of you that needs healing?
(15:40):
Now for most of us thereare different parts.
I worked with my six year oldfor a couple of years, and then
I went to the eight year old.
And then now I'm walkingwith my 11 year old.
So I invite you right now.
Close your eyes.
Check in, take a breath.
(16:03):
And if you ask yourself the question.
Hey, younger self.
I'm here.
How old are you?
Don't overthink this.
See what shows up.
And then open your eyes.
(16:24):
For some people.
When you check in.
You cannot visualize the youngest self.
There are many reasons to that.
It could be that your younger self.
Is so pissed off.
They don't even want to talk to you.
(16:44):
Or.
You're not a visual person.
So it's going to take some time.
If It is really difficult for youto visualize a younger part of you.
Can you imagine that the part of you.
That is hurt.
That needs healing.
(17:05):
Is a child.
That you love, maybe it's your niece.
Maybe it's your nephew.
So this child that needs healing.
Imagine them to be the most loving.
Kind funny.
child.
And.
(17:25):
They just want you to love them up.
So start working with that.
I invite you.
To bring this to your therapist.
Talk to them.
If you have not done inner child work.
And go from there.
Remember, don't do this on your own.
Reach out to your people,to your therapist.
(17:49):
You don't have to do this alone.
Here's the thing I want you to remember.
You.
All parts of you are worthy of love.
You are not a burden.
You never were.
I'm going to say this again.
(18:10):
You all parts of you are worthy of love.
You are not a burden and you never were.
Take care of your younger self.
The key to healing, your wounded innerchild is to integrate the inner child.
engage with that part ofyou that needs to be seen.
(18:33):
heard understood.
And support.
You can do this.
Sending you lots of love.
Thanks so much for listening tothis episode of the Conversations
With Your Chinese Auntie Podcast.
If you're enjoying the show, pleasefeel free to rate, subscribe,
(18:53):
and leave a review whereveryou listen to your podcasts.
That helps others find the show,and we greatly appreciate it.
Also, remember to sign upfor our newsletter to receive
free materials and updates.
Links in the website, patriciapetersen.
ca.
That's P A T R I C I A P E T E R S E N.
(19:14):
C A.
Again, thanks for listening.
We hope you have a great week, andwe'll see you in the next episode.
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