March 4, 2024 • 35 mins
Surpassing Marital Challenges through Authentic Empowerment
Guest: Aylssa Luhan
In this episode of the 'Restored Wife' podcast, Brenda Kradolfer hosts Alyssa Luhan, a trained expert in the 'six intimacy skills'. Alyssa discusses her own journey of healing and growth within her marriage, focusing on her personal experience of marrying self-love and faith with the six intimacy skills. She describes the challenges she and her husband faced, with issues such as resentment, deployment separation, and miscommunication. Alyssa shares how mastering the skills resulted in a transformational shift in their relationship – from constant conflict to a peaceful, respectful, and enjoyable bond. In addition, Alyssa emphasizes the importance of self-care, gratitude, and taking full responsibility for emotional wellbeing in transforming her life and relationships.
#RestoredWife #Podcast #MarriageGoals #InspiringStories #WomensEmpowerment #PersonalGrowth #SelfCare #MentalHealth #LifeChange #LoveLife
00:00 Introduction and Guest Welcome 00:39 Getting to Know Alyssa Luhan 02:01 Alyssa's Favorite TV Shows 03:31 Discovering the Intimacy Skills 04:39 Facing a Marriage Crisis 08:17 The Power of Gratitude 13:14 Embracing Self-Care 15:38 Reading Laura's Book and Rewarding Self 17:50 The Power of Doing Hard Things 18:02 Transforming Relationships: From Contention to Harmony 19:07 Rediscovering Laughter and Lightness at Home 19:51 The Impact of Deployment on Family Dynamics 20:36 Creating a Conflict-Free Marriage 21:39 The Journey of Transformation and Growth 22:12 The Power of Accountability in Relationships 22:41 The Role of Therapy in Relationship Healing 23:12 Parenting Teenagers: Challenges and Triumphs 23:51 The Joy of Being at Home 24:53 The Power of Letting Go and Loving Unconditionally 25:10 Embracing Christlike Love in Relationships 29:03 The Journey to Self-Love and Confidence 30:06 The Power of Self-Care and Seeking Support 33:07 The Power of Desire and Belief in Possibilities 34:30 Closing Thoughts: The Spice of Life
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Brenda Kradolfer (00:09):
Hey everybody.
Welcome back to the Restored Wife podcast.
I'm so excited because today I have myvery good friend, Alyssa Lujan with me.
She is also a trained expert in thesix intimacy skills, and we are going
to pick her brain about her experiencebecause I love hearing about other
people's journeys to finding theskills, implementing the skills and
(00:33):
what kind of happened along the way.
So Alyssa, welcome to the podcast.
Alyssa (00:37):
Thanks, Brenda.
Brenda Kradolfer (00:39):
Tell us a little bit about yourself.
Who's Alyssa?
Oh,
Alyssa (00:43):
gosh.
Dang.
I haven't asked thatquestion in a long time.
I don't know.
I'm just, um, yeah.
I don't know why that'sso hard for me to answer.
I think because I used to define myselfby what education I received or how
many kids I had or where I've lived.
(01:04):
And so I don't know, I think sincebeing introduced to the skills and
through all the personal developmentthat I've had over the years, I'm
learning to define myself as just me.
I love personal development and growth.
I love binge watching a goodNetflix show and even a bad
Netflix show every now and then.
(01:25):
I feel like once a quarter I'll stay upuntil one just binge watching something.
And then I'm like, oh, that wasthat filled that need and I'm, I
can let it go for a few months.
I love being outdoors.
I love the, I love any sort of adventureand sometimes personal development
for me is that kind of adventure,but I also love a good a good hike or
(01:46):
something fun to do physically as well.
Sure.
Brenda Kradolfer (01:49):
Oh, I love that.
So adventuring, you have that commonwith Steph because she loves, she talks
a lot about adventuring and I lovethe once a quarter Netflix binge and
like you get it out of your system.
So now I'm curious, like what are,like, do you have a favorite show?
What have you listened to recentlyor watched recently that you liked?
And what have you youeven said even a bad show.
(02:10):
So I'd love to know what
Alyssa (02:11):
bad shows are you watching?
Yeah, I'm watching Sweet Magnolias.
It's like I don't know.
It's one of those shows where youcan relate to the characters, but
if you take a step back and thinkabout everything that happens, you're
like, Whoa, that's a lot of drama.
Like there, there's no way all of that'sgoing to happen in that short amount of
time to all these people in this one spot.
(02:33):
The acting is not, I mean, it's fine.
They get the job done.
It's cute.
I like the clothes.
I like some of the dialogue.
I love watching people how they face.
And I like how people, I likewatching people resolve conflict and
some of the things that they say.
So I guess that's what drawsme to that to that show.
(02:54):
But probably my favoriteis not on Netflix.
It's Ted Lasso.
I think it's, if you know it,then you know why it's a favorite.
And yeah, if you don't, then.
I don't know.
If you love soccer and goodwitty humor, it's for you.
And you don't mind thebomb, then it's for you.
Brenda Kradolfer (03:13):
Quite a bit of language in that show, but I just
love how it explores the humanexperience so well within the context
of like this funny light show.
For the most part, it does get alittle heavier in some parts, but they
Alyssa (03:27):
never keep it heavy.
Yeah.
Brenda Kradolfer (03:30):
Awesome.
Okay.
I would love to hear about how you foundthe intimacy skills by Laura Doyle.
And what were your
Alyssa (03:38):
initial thoughts?
Okay, so when I found the skills, Iwasn't looking for anything, actually.
And I think I was in a season of whereI Pushed personal development to the
side because I had so much of it.
I feel it comes and goes in ways whereyou're like ready to grow and then
you're like, no, I just need to checkout and just be entertained for once.
(03:59):
But I was actually taking, okay.
So maybe I didn't cut outpersonal development all the way.
Cause I was taking an emotional resilienceclass at church and I met a woman and she
kept talking about this program that shewas in and I didn't think anything of it.
Until at the end, it was a 10 week class.
And at the end of it, my husband wasgetting ready to come home from being gone
(04:23):
for a year from being deployed for a year.
And so we had just finished up that class.
She knew he was coming home andshe checked in with me one night
and she said, how's it going?
And I just texted her back.
Oh my gosh, it's nothingwhat I thought it would be.
And I said that because Thatday or the day before, I found
(04:44):
out that my marriage was in thiscrisis that I wasn't anticipating.
My husband came home and shared histhoughts and feelings about us and
he was ready to head out the door.
He had one foot out the door.
And so, yeah, it was devastating.
It was truly heartbreaking.
And we had been through that before,so it's maybe that was a pattern for
(05:05):
us, but at the same time, I thoughtthat we had grown from that and we were
ready to start fresh and start a new.
At least I was excited for it.
So she called me right away, talkedto me for two hours about the skills.
I think she told me about each of thesix and all of the tools in between.
And I don't know, I was on the phonewith her for what felt like two minutes,
(05:28):
but in reality it was like two hours.
That's just how that conversationwent, and and my immediate thought
was why should I be the one to try?
Like I have done all the trying all these.
14, 13, 14 years of marriage.
Why do I need to be the one to try again?
And and my other thought was justthat I've tried everything already,
(05:50):
but my friend was the way sheexplained everything was so convincing
and she had a ton of empathy andcompassion for me and my situation.
She shared with respect for me personallyand and at the end of it, I knew
that I at least had to give it a try.
It's like I was kicking myself.
I'm like, what?
I always do this.
(06:10):
I always give it a try.
I always want to, do more.
Yeah.
But for whatever reason I feltreally drawn to what she was telling
me and it all resonated with me.
And it actually, a lot of it hadaligned with a lot of the development
that I had done to that point.
Okay.
Brenda Kradolfer (06:29):
Yeah.
That sounds like she was veryconvincing and very excited about it
Alyssa (06:33):
herself.
Yeah, that's true.
She was in Laura's groupcoaching program at the time.
I think she just finishedthree months with her.
And so not only did she.
See a difference in her life, but she gotto witness differences and all the changes
with the women that she encounteredin that group coaching program.
Yeah.
Brenda Kradolfer (06:53):
Cool.
So super inspiring.
She was inspired.
She's sharing this inspiration with you.
And I hear the resistance and like I'vedone it all, and I can just, yeah, I,
I can just feel myself being there and.
Like you're done, but there's just likethis little, I don't know, a little
glimmer, little something, little voicethat's saying, just this one, just try
(07:16):
this thing, or just this one more thing.
Alyssa (07:19):
Yeah.
And I'm like, gosh, dang it.
Cause I know I'll do it.
Brenda Kradolfer (07:23):
Yeah.
Cause yeah, it sounds like you're alreadyso committed to that self development.
And so were you like, were you wantingto save your marriage at that point?
Or were you just whatever?
Alyssa (07:34):
I that's a good question too.
I think with the help of my friend,I wanted to save my marriage.
She spoke so much faith into ourrelationship and just poured that into
that conversation that it gave me enoughhope to try, even if it didn't work,
(07:56):
I at least had enough hope to try.
Yeah.
Cool.
Brenda Kradolfer (08:02):
So we heard your initial thoughts.
Were there some things thatjust sounded right from the
beginning and what were they like?
What really stood out to youabout what she shared with you?
Or even maybe like, where did yougo from there after talking to her
Alyssa (08:15):
too?
Oh yeah.
Okay.
The first thing that I did when wegot off the phone was she said, right
when we get off this phone, I just.
I don't know.
There was just something about herwhere I was like, okay, whatever you
tell me to do, I'm going to do it.
So she said, right after this, right afteryou get off the phone, I want you to grab
a pen and paper and write down as manythings as you can think of, um, as reasons
(08:39):
that you're grateful for your husband.
And so that's what I did.
And I, she said, try to do atleast 25, but if you can do
more than that, then do it.
And so that's what I did.
I had this.
journal at the time that I probablydidn't even use and I pulled it out
and I wrote down as many things as Icould, one was like, he smells good.
Like, he's good body wash.
(08:59):
Like at that point where you'reso hurt and heartbroken, it's Oh
what do I have to be grateful for?
He's trying to leave mewith these five kids.
And I was just, I justspent the whole year alone.
And then he comes back and he tellsme like, I could have done so much
in that year, I could have startedfresh and moved on, or I don't
know, figured some things out.
(09:21):
I was already by myself.
So yeah.
Yeah, it turned that resentment andjust started to soften my heart, just
the act of diving into that gratitude.
And I think we all knowthe power of gratitude.
Sometimes it takes a littleextra motivation to, to do it.
Brenda Kradolfer (09:39):
Yeah.
And it sounds like you hadthat extra motivation from your
friend and what she shared.
Cause I'm just imagining goingfrom, like your husband saying.
I, I want to move on.
I want to change things.
I'm not sure about our relationship.
And then writing a gratitude list forhim just sounds like a huge stretch.
Alyssa (10:01):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Again, he should be writing.
If he wrote a gratitude listfor me, then maybe he would be
willing to try for a marriage.
But but at the end of the day, thisjourney is all about ourselves.
And yeah.
Yeah.
I can attribute that.
I can honestly say that during thedifficult season that followed,
(10:24):
I went to bed many times.
with a heart full of loveand gratitude for what I had.
And I just felt like my life was sofull and you wouldn't think that with
being in the middle of a marriagecrisis, but it really softened my heart.
And I can attribute having that peaceand Love and comfort and joy to that
(10:48):
daily practice of gratitude and justfocusing on what was going right.
Cause there were so manythings that were going right.
And if I didn't have that habit inplace, I would have missed them.
Brenda Kradolfer (10:59):
Yeah.
Wow.
That sounds like really powerful.
And so how are you feeling?
Like the first time you wrotethis list, how did you feel
Alyssa (11:09):
afterwards?
Oh, I don't even remember.
I'll say this.
I know how I didn't feel.
And because what I didn't say, andI could have included this in my
introduction because I often sharethe story about my past and I have a
history of rage and not being able toNot having the tools to process anger
(11:33):
and not having tools to resolve conflict.
Like when we were firstmarried, I would scream.
I would fall on the bathroom floor, likeuncontrollably, I would throw things,
I would storm out of the house withouttelling him where I was going, just this.
It was just really ugly for somany years and I went to therapy
and received some tools, but someof that temper never goes away.
(11:57):
It's a constant, I gotto keep myself in check.
And, and so even with all the progressthat I've made over the years, if I
hadn't have had these skills and someoneto take me through the skill, walk me
through it, because she checked in withme constantly, this friend who introduced
me to the skills, if I didn't have thatyou're, you asked, how did I feel after?
(12:18):
I can tell you, I wasn't throwingthings and I, I should have been
actually with what was going on.
I was finally justifiedin being that crazy woman.
And I wasn't.
And I wasn't screaming and I wasn'tyelling and I didn't feel devastated.
I felt heartbroken and yeah, therewere moments of devastation, but
overall I didn't feel defeated.
(12:40):
And yeah it kept me afloat for sure.
I think you asked about resentment.
There were times where Iwould write out the gratitudes
and genuinely feel grateful.
And I feel like that was the norm.
There were definitely timeswhere I did feel like.
Why is me doing this for me?
Why am I the one still?
(13:00):
Yeah.
Brenda Kradolfer (13:01):
Yeah.
So where did you go from there?
So you started this practice ofgratitude and just really focusing
on what was going right and yourfriends checking in with you.
What happened next?
Alyssa (13:14):
Even though that was the first thing I did after the call, I
would say the biggest thing that I didwas to take charge of my self care.
And that's the part that I lovedand I could do without resentment.
Cause it's yeah, I'm going to try again.
I deserve this.
And yeah, thankfully hewas really humble about it.
And he was like, yeah, whatevertime you need, I understand.
(13:37):
So that was huge in my favor.
But just diving into threethings, at least a day.
Like Laura says, that fill you up.
My friend said she used theterm perpetual self care.
That really resonated with me too.
And I would say that's how I coulddive into genuine gratitude was
(13:57):
just because I was so filled up.
I was finally taking care ofmyself for the first time.
We hear about gratitude.
Not gratitude.
We hear that word self care a lotand I feel like no one actually
shows us what that means exactly.
And I think it gets mistakenfor either constantly putting
your feelings and needs first.
(14:19):
It is that in a sense, but if youhear how Laura describes it, it's,
she describes it in a much moretangible way that actually does fill
you up and does light up your world.
And it's not this Oh, Ineed to do this for myself.
I need to, it's just oh, I love this.
I love life.
Oh my gosh, I'm happy.
I love that I can takegood care of myself.
Brenda Kradolfer (14:42):
Yeah.
Oh, I love that.
I love, even for me, like I, Ieven had like yesterday I was
doing self care, and I had my threethings and I was conscious of it.
I, I make a consciouseffort now to do those.
And, I think I was getting alittle bit into the, I don't know
if it's like a checklist, butthis isn't lighting me up per se.
(15:04):
Like I, I think I overdid it on one ofmy things until it lost its efficacy.
And so, yeah, that's just such agood reminder to me that it's about
loving life, doing things that arelike, I am so glad to be alive.
And this this life isamazing, irregardless of
what is happening around me.
(15:26):
Yeah.
Yeah.
I love that.
Alyssa (15:30):
Okay.
Brenda Kradolfer (15:31):
So you dove into self care.
You're doing your gratitudes.
Did you get
Alyssa (15:36):
Laura's book?
Oh yeah.
So that was another thingwhere, I told you whatever this
lady says, I'm going to do it.
So yeah.
When we got off the call to diveinto gratitude and she said,
Download her book from the library.
You can get it on thelibrary app for free.
Easy peasy.
Just download it andstart listening to it.
Yeah.
And at that point I still hadthat little grudge, for trying.
(16:00):
yet again.
So I decided to do something fun with it.
And I said, you know what, if I finishthis book in the next seven days,
I'm going to get myself a dress.
There, there's one Ihad been eyeing online.
And so I was like, I'mjust going to do it.
I'm going to buy it.
And that's my reward forfinishing listening to this book.
(16:20):
I'm one of my self care itemswas running at the time.
Like I loved, we lived close to this manmade lake in town that went It had a bike
path and a running path and it went likeright by the downtown area where we lived
and there were bridges crossing the lake.
So anyway, I loved running around that.
And I would just put them, put inmy AirPods or headphones and play
(16:44):
her book and just listen to it.
Until I finished it.
And I got the dress.
I still have that dress.
It's one of my favorite ones.
Aw, yay!
Brenda Kradolfer (16:54):
I love that.
I need a reward if I'm gonna do this.
I love that.
You took, you just took charge of that.
And you knew you were doing a work.
That it was it was hard to to switchover into that I'm going to try with
this new thing, or I'm going to try thisone more thing and just really taking
care of yourself during that process.
(17:14):
I, I really
Alyssa (17:15):
love that.
Yeah.
Laura uses that phrase,you deserve a medal.
Like I hear her use that a lot.
Ah, yeah.
And it's.
So wonderful to receive that.
Yeah, I do deserve a medal.
Like this is hard, like to keep hopingfor something where, you're grasping
at evidence that it's really goingto amount to something positive.
(17:38):
And so it was much more rewarding tobe able to give myself a medal, and
to have that acknowledgement come fromwithin and be Yeah, I do deserve this.
Yeah, I am.
I am doing A good, hard thing, yeah.
Brenda Kradolfer (17:53):
Oh, I love that.
A good, hard thing.
Cause there's like stuffwe can do that's hard.
That's, I don't know.
It doesn't lead us where,yeah, it's just too costly.
Yes.
So what were you noticing?
Were you noticing differences inyour relationship with your husband?
Alyssa (18:07):
Oh my gosh.
So we went from constantly,like before he was deployed, it
felt like any con connecting or.
Any connecting conversation or anyconversation at all was about whether
or not we should be together, itwas just like, either we weren't
talking about it at all, or I don'tknow, or we were, and it was about
(18:29):
whether or not we should be together.
It was never anything positive and thatusually led to some sort of contention.
And so that was the biggestchange I saw right away.
There was.
Zero contention in ourhome, which was incredible.
If you think about the situation, likeeven if our marriage was in a good
(18:51):
place, my husband coming home from ayear long deployment, us having five
kids, like that's stressful to makethat adjustment and that transition.
And yeah, we were able todo it without contention.
Things were really smooth.
There is more peace andharmony in our home.
I remember laughing, feelingoh my gosh, I forgot.
(19:12):
I forgot how to laugh.
Like I forgot what that'slaughing inside my home.
I was always so serious abouteverything all the time and thinking
about the next thing that neededto get done or accomplished.
And all of a sudden I waslighthearted and the same way that
I was when I would go out with mygirlfriends, like you're having fun.
There's no worries, noexpectations, no demands.
(19:34):
You're just able to relax.
I finally felt like that athome, which was night and day
difference from what it was before.
Brenda Kradolfer (19:42):
Yeah.
Cause that's like where you are, I'mguessing most of the time is in your home.
Yes.
Yeah.
So that's like a hugedifference and a huge shift.
And yeah, that's a huge transitiontoo, to go from a deployment you get so
used to running the show yourself and.
Knowing how you like things and thenthe husband comes home and it's it
(20:03):
could totally just throw you for aloop, but it sounds like it didn't.
This time.
Oh my
Alyssa (20:09):
gosh, no, it didn't.
It was so easy.
Like it was, yeah, things wereso much easier and I didn't
know it could be like that.
I don't know.
My parents fought all the time growing up.
Like I knew what a real marriagelooked like my husband's expectations
that we would never fight, whatever.
What is that?
But turns out it's.
(20:30):
You can create that.
You can have that.
Everyone deserves that.
Yeah.
Brenda Kradolfer (20:36):
So your husband came from an, from the idea that like
fighting at home isn't necessary ordoesn't have to be a part of family life.
Was that like a conflict you guys had?
No, like fighting is part of marriage.
It's just what we do.
Alyssa (20:49):
I think he knew, I think he wasn't so naive that he felt like
we would never fight, but I think.
And he was right that it wasunhealthy for it to get to the
level that it did between us.
And that he was right in that sense.
It was, we did have a very unhealthyrelationship in the beginning.
Yeah, but on my end, I feltlike he was being overdramatic.
His expectations were too high.
(21:10):
And like conflict, this is marriage, thisis two people coming together, but right.
Yeah.
But I'm glad he had that hope.
Of what marriage could look like.
And I, I feel like it was a seedthat was planted that helped what
we have now come to fruition.
Brenda Kradolfer (21:27):
Wow.
So what's the, what are things like now?
So you've had big transitions.
Yeah.
What are things like at your house?
Are they the same?
Have they changed?
Do you still use these
Alyssa (21:37):
skills?
These skills.
So it's been a journey.
I'm not going to get into it,but I thought I was going to I
listened to Laura's podcast too.
So I knew the pattern.
You dive deep into the skills, you'rein it for two weeks, and then he comes
home with a new wedding ring, I don'tknow if you've listened to our podcast,
(21:57):
but that's how I had it in my head.
Yeah.
And I was an A plus student.
So I was like, Oh yeah, he'sgonna, he's gonna do a do
over proposal in like months.
It didn't happen that quickly.
And it took some time and there'smore I could say about that,
but I'll say it for a later day.
I'll just say that right now our marriageis oh my gosh, he's apologizing for
(22:18):
ways that he showed up in the past andall doing All during these last three
years, I've been using the skills for,yeah, a little over three years now.
And I have felt like I've been soaccountable, and if only he were
that accountable for mistakes.
So anyway, he's showing up accountablefor the part that he played in the past.
(22:39):
I never thought I would see it.
All those years going to therapy,he never wanted to do therapy.
together.
He just knew that I was the problem.
I knew I was the problem.
But that's something that he's brought up.
Would you go to therapy with me?
Let's work this out and which nowthat I'm introduced to Laura, I'm
like no, I'm not going to, I'm notgoing to go through that headache.
(22:59):
There's a, there's an easier way.
But but just the fact that hewants to, it shows that he wants
to do this together and we'retalking about our future together.
We're parenting our children.
Our children are teenagers now.
Not all of them.
We have teenagers now and youhave teenagers, how, yeah.
Tricky that can be sometimes knowingwhen to let go and when to set
(23:22):
boundaries and draw the line and andwe're able to do that even though,
even if we don't agree eye to eye onthe details, we're able to communicate
that respectfully to each other.
And we can sit down with our kids, evenif we disagree with something, even if
we're just agreeing with each other, westill come forward as a united front.
(23:44):
And our kids know that wehave each other's back.
I didn't know that, that we'd ever.
Ever have that.
And my husband's home full time.
And he had been working, like Imentioned the deployment, but even
after he came back, it seemed like hewas always working in another state
or away from home, but he found a jobclose by and he started expressing.
(24:08):
That actually happened after he startedexpressing his desire to be at home more,
like he wanted to be around the kids more.
And again, that was something that Ithought in the past was like, don't you
want to at least be home for our kids?
Anyway, that's something that I hadto let go of that, let him do his
thing, but he came to it on his own.
He wanted to be at homewith the kids more.
(24:29):
He's wanting me to work lessso that I'm home more so we can
have more family time together.
He's leaving.
Our family and family prayers andscripture study that wasn't there
before he's making a more concertedeffort to be on time for church.
I don't know.
I'm listing all these things and they seemso little, but it's those little things,
that you're like, Oh, if only, and yeah.
(24:53):
It's incredible what happens when youlet go of all those little things, you
allow someone to just be themselves.
You start loving them for who they are.
And then I don't know those littlethings you forgot about, they end up
coming back and the good ones, desires.
The one thing my friend said when she wasintroducing me to the skills, and this was
(25:14):
probably the hook where she said, Alyssa,it's the most Christlike way to love.
And in all my years of therapy, Irealized I can only control myself.
I can only control how I show up.
And that's what I began to takepride in was how I showed up.
And unfortunately it wasn't alwayspretty because of my Rage and my
(25:39):
emotional struggles, but having theskills and Laura, just really dumbing
it down and making it so simple helpedme to show up with a Christlike love.
Like this is the woman I alwayswanted to be in my marriage.
This is how I, this is the wifeI wanted to be to my husband.
This is how I wanted to feel towardshim, towards our kids, towards.
(26:01):
Being at home.
And and so it's so empowering tohave those tools to feel like,
Oh, maybe I can love like Jesus.
And when you do familiarizeyourself with these skills, you're
like, Oh, that's how he did it.
That's how he showed up.
That's how he set boundaries andthat's how he accepted people.
And that's how he helped people rise tobe the better versions of themselves.
(26:26):
And it's.
Yeah.
What more could you want?
What more could you want?
Yeah.
Brenda Kradolfer (26:32):
So beautiful, Alyssa, and so powerful.
And just inspiring, like I hear yousaying those little things, like
you're like, Oh, they just sound likelittle things that I'm like, man,
those little things are what adds up.
Or those are the little things thatwere in, that weren't happening for
me in my relationship that were like,Hey, he's just not the right guy.
He doesn't know how to do these thingsthat, that I came into this relationship.
(26:55):
expecting and thinking thisis how it's going to be, this
is how we're going to do it.
I just was confident thatit was going to go that way.
And then when it doesn't, I just, forme, it just, they would just pile on
top of each other or, and it could bethe littlest thing that would just,
be like this is such a drag sometimes.
And I just love how.
(27:16):
You're saying that these little thingsthat were used to be like little thorns in
the side are now happening at your home.
And yeah, I love it.
And it sounds practicing theskills and your efforts, your
commitment to your faith as well.
Just, it brought all thosethings into your life that.
(27:40):
Seem to be missing
Alyssa (27:41):
before.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And really those little thingsjust become icing on the cake.
Cause you dive into these skillsand you become so happy and you're
like, Whoa, life could be this good.
And you don't really needthose little things anymore.
And then they show upand you're like, Ooh.
Brenda Kradolfer (27:59):
Yeah.
Yes.
I love that.
Like you it's like a fun surprise now.
And cause you've already let go.
You've already let go of it.
Love that.
So you've shared a lot about what has beenrewarding about practicing the skills.
Is there anything else that you've
Alyssa (28:17):
noticed?
Yeah.
In addition to just feeling you havethe tools to be happy and to have
your marriage, be, I don't know.
I guess one thing that I didn'tmention was even when we do have
conflict, cause that's inevitable.
That's, that is marriage is havingthat conflict, but it doesn't have
that negative connotation to me anymorebecause it's that's where we grow.
(28:40):
And I know exactly how I know.
the tools that I need to useand the path to get there.
And, when we argue, it doesn't have to befor weeks at a time, for months at a time.
It could just be that day.
And then, respect is restored.
Intimacy is restored.
And and I guess that has built theother thought that came into mind.
(29:03):
And that is just havingthat confidence in myself.
Confidence as a woman, because I feelempowered and I feel like my marriage
can be as good as I want it to be.
And I have the tools for that.
And and I didn't realize how much thathad affected me as a woman in the past.
Feeling like I would feel confident, butI and people would tell me that, Oh, you
(29:24):
seem so confident and sure of yourself,but you're like if he only saw what was
happening on the inside, it's just afront, but but actually being able to
agree with that now I do love who I am.
I am confident in who I amand I love myself as a woman.
As a mother, as a wifeas just me, as Alyssa.
Brenda Kradolfer (29:44):
Yeah.
I love that.
And I love you too.
And I just think you're so like,you just have this amazing, calm,
like calm, but powerful presence.
And yeah, it's just, Ijust love knowing you.
Thank you so much for sharing allthat you shared today and just
really sharing your heart and.
(30:05):
Opening up with us here.
I'm sure, like you mentioned, there arechallenges in relationships that come up.
So what what do you do now when doyou have those moments where it's
you don't know where to turn oryeah, I'm just curious what you do.
What else you do with theconflict that comes up now?
(30:25):
Yeah.
Alyssa (30:26):
I still do all the things that I used to, pray, read
scriptures, talk to a friend.
But now I think.
It's much easier for me to let go of theshoulds, like I should be angry about
this or, in this situation I'm supposedto like, I'm supposed to hold a grudge
or, or I should be so offended or I shouldbe so determined to put my foot down.
(30:51):
Like I've let go of all thatheaviness and give myself permission
to grieve, to rest, to have fun.
Like I remember feeling It'sokay for me to be happy.
I know what's going on around me, butI can still love life and be happy.
And I feel like we don't giveourselves that sometimes.
It's you're, Oh, you're in thissituation, you shouldn't be that happy.
(31:12):
Like you should, so anyway, I thinkthat's the biggest thing is I allow
myself to, to feel however I want to feel.
And and then it's probably self care too.
Like, all right, what do I need?
How am I feeling right now?
What do I need in this moment?
And then I usually reach out ifit's something like really tricky.
(31:32):
Cause we've definitely had a lot ofthat since me finding the skills.
I'll reach out to you or afellow coach who's so capable.
And yeah, I know.
Yeah.
We've definitely had conversations thathave been real turning points for me.
Like it could have been so bad, but Beingable to hear your voice on the other end
(31:52):
of the phone and just having you stand forme and know the exact right words to say.
And yeah, that's, that's priceless.
That's an everything.
Brenda Kradolfer (32:03):
Yeah.
Thank you for sharing that.
I, yeah, same for me.
I just it's it's such a blessing tohave a coach on tap or, like those
safe places that you can go andshare and get it all out so that
it's not like dragging you down and.
And then if you wantto have, the tool that.
That could help.
It's available there.
(32:24):
And yeah, I love that.
And just like your willingness to, toseek out the support when you need it.
And yeah, it's just so beautiful.
And the permission to be yourselfand to be happy and to let go of The
heaviness of I should feel a certain waygiven where I'm at and to just really
(32:45):
ask yourself, like, how do I actuallyfeel and what do I want from this?
I love it, Alyssa.
Thank you so much for comingon, for sharing with us.
What would you say to somebodywho wants what you have now?
Where your husband's steppingup and you feel good and yeah,
Alyssa (33:04):
I think you know where to go.
Yeah.
The first thing I wouldsay is that it's possible.
If my husband and I could do it witheverything that we've been through
and all of our challenges, like allof the messy areas of relationships,
we've had challenges in them all.
So if we can do it, it'sdefinitely possible for you.
And as far as where to start, I wouldjust say, Maybe there was something about
(33:28):
this call that resonated with you, likemaybe you got curious about the book
or the podcast or a certain skill, likejust start with whatever is speaking
to you in this moment and don't worryabout doing it perfectly, but just start
and it'll lead you to the next step andkeep your sights set on what you want.
Laura says the desireis the seat of feminine.
(33:49):
So if you want something likeStop denying yourself or stop
feeling like it's not possible.
If it's there and you wantit, then that's for a reason.
Oh, I love
Brenda Kradolfer (34:01):
that.
I got chills when you shared that.
And if somebody is resonating withsomething that you shared, how could
they find you and re you know, reach
Alyssa (34:08):
you I'm a simple person and old school, so just email me, reach
out to me, Alyssa Lujan at gmail.
com.
Brenda Kradolfer (34:15):
Awesome.
Thank you.
Alyssa is also a coach.
So yeah she's always happy toshare her wisdom and she gives.
Just the best, simple,straightforward advice.
I just love it so much.
I have one final question foryou before we sign off on this
episode, and it is, if you were aSpice Girl, which one would you be?
Alyssa (34:42):
I'd be Cinnamon Spice for sure.
Is that a Spice Girl?
Brenda Kradolfer (34:46):
No, it's not.
Ginger Spice is a Spice Girl.
Does ginger work?
Ginger,
Alyssa (34:51):
no.
No, I just think of what thatis and I'm anything from that.
Okay, remind
Brenda Kradolfer (34:56):
me, remind me who they are.
Alright, we've got They're across between Splash, right?
Yeah, they're sporty.
Posh, Baby, Ginger, and Scary Spice.
Alyssa (35:08):
Oh, dang.
In some ways I'm like, I'm none ofthose, and then in other ways I'm like,
actually I can relate to them all,
Brenda Kradolfer (35:14):
yeah.
Or maybe you're just your own,like you're the, they added you
on later, you're Cinnamon Spice.
I love it.
That fit.
So fun.
There we go.
Awesome.
Thanks again, Alyssa, andwe'll hopefully see you back
on the podcast again real soon.
Sounds
Alyssa (35:29):
good.
Thanks,
Brenda Kradolfer (35:30):
Brenda.
Hey everybody.
Welcome back to the Restored Wife podcast.
I'm so excited because today I have myvery good friend, Alyssa Lujan with me.
She is also a trained expert in thesix intimacy skills, and we are going
to pick her brain about her experiencebecause I love hearing about other
people's journeys to finding theskills, implementing the skills and
(00:33):
what kind of happened along the way.
So Alyssa, welcome to the podcast.
Alyssa (00:37):
Thanks, Brenda.
Brenda Kradolfer (00:39):
Tell us a little bit about yourself.
Who's Alyssa?
Oh,
Alyssa (00:43):
gosh.
Dang.
I haven't asked thatquestion in a long time.
I don't know.
I'm just, um, yeah.
I don't know why that'sso hard for me to answer.
I think because I used to define myselfby what education I received or how
many kids I had or where I've lived.
(01:04):
And so I don't know, I think sincebeing introduced to the skills and
through all the personal developmentthat I've had over the years, I'm
learning to define myself as just me.
I love personal development and growth.
I love binge watching a goodNetflix show and even a bad
Netflix show every now and then.
(01:25):
I feel like once a quarter I'll stay upuntil one just binge watching something.
And then I'm like, oh, that wasthat filled that need and I'm, I
can let it go for a few months.
I love being outdoors.
I love the, I love any sort of adventureand sometimes personal development
for me is that kind of adventure,but I also love a good a good hike or
(01:46):
something fun to do physically as well.
Sure.
Brenda Kradolfer (01:49):
Oh, I love that.
So adventuring, you have that commonwith Steph because she loves, she talks
a lot about adventuring and I lovethe once a quarter Netflix binge and
like you get it out of your system.
So now I'm curious, like what are,like, do you have a favorite show?
What have you listened to recentlyor watched recently that you liked?
And what have you youeven said even a bad show.
(02:10):
So I'd love to know what
Alyssa (02:11):
bad shows are you watching?
Yeah, I'm watching Sweet Magnolias.
It's like I don't know.
It's one of those shows where youcan relate to the characters, but
if you take a step back and thinkabout everything that happens, you're
like, Whoa, that's a lot of drama.
Like there, there's no way all of that'sgoing to happen in that short amount of
time to all these people in this one spot.
(02:33):
The acting is not, I mean, it's fine.
They get the job done.
It's cute.
I like the clothes.
I like some of the dialogue.
I love watching people how they face.
And I like how people, I likewatching people resolve conflict and
some of the things that they say.
So I guess that's what drawsme to that to that show.
(02:54):
But probably my favoriteis not on Netflix.
It's Ted Lasso.
I think it's, if you know it,then you know why it's a favorite.
And yeah, if you don't, then.
I don't know.
If you love soccer and goodwitty humor, it's for you.
And you don't mind thebomb, then it's for you.
Brenda Kradolfer (03:13):
Quite a bit of language in that show, but I just
love how it explores the humanexperience so well within the context
of like this funny light show.
For the most part, it does get alittle heavier in some parts, but they
Alyssa (03:27):
never keep it heavy.
Yeah.
Brenda Kradolfer (03:30):
Awesome.
Okay.
I would love to hear about how you foundthe intimacy skills by Laura Doyle.
And what were your
Alyssa (03:38):
initial thoughts?
Okay, so when I found the skills, Iwasn't looking for anything, actually.
And I think I was in a season of whereI Pushed personal development to the
side because I had so much of it.
I feel it comes and goes in ways whereyou're like ready to grow and then
you're like, no, I just need to checkout and just be entertained for once.
(03:59):
But I was actually taking, okay.
So maybe I didn't cut outpersonal development all the way.
Cause I was taking an emotional resilienceclass at church and I met a woman and she
kept talking about this program that shewas in and I didn't think anything of it.
Until at the end, it was a 10 week class.
And at the end of it, my husband wasgetting ready to come home from being gone
(04:23):
for a year from being deployed for a year.
And so we had just finished up that class.
She knew he was coming home andshe checked in with me one night
and she said, how's it going?
And I just texted her back.
Oh my gosh, it's nothingwhat I thought it would be.
And I said that because Thatday or the day before, I found
(04:44):
out that my marriage was in thiscrisis that I wasn't anticipating.
My husband came home and shared histhoughts and feelings about us and
he was ready to head out the door.
He had one foot out the door.
And so, yeah, it was devastating.
It was truly heartbreaking.
And we had been through that before,so it's maybe that was a pattern for
(05:05):
us, but at the same time, I thoughtthat we had grown from that and we were
ready to start fresh and start a new.
At least I was excited for it.
So she called me right away, talkedto me for two hours about the skills.
I think she told me about each of thesix and all of the tools in between.
And I don't know, I was on the phonewith her for what felt like two minutes,
(05:28):
but in reality it was like two hours.
That's just how that conversationwent, and and my immediate thought
was why should I be the one to try?
Like I have done all the trying all these.
14, 13, 14 years of marriage.
Why do I need to be the one to try again?
And and my other thought was justthat I've tried everything already,
(05:50):
but my friend was the way sheexplained everything was so convincing
and she had a ton of empathy andcompassion for me and my situation.
She shared with respect for me personallyand and at the end of it, I knew
that I at least had to give it a try.
It's like I was kicking myself.
I'm like, what?
I always do this.
(06:10):
I always give it a try.
I always want to, do more.
Yeah.
But for whatever reason I feltreally drawn to what she was telling
me and it all resonated with me.
And it actually, a lot of it hadaligned with a lot of the development
that I had done to that point.
Okay.
Brenda Kradolfer (06:29):
Yeah.
That sounds like she was veryconvincing and very excited about it
Alyssa (06:33):
herself.
Yeah, that's true.
She was in Laura's groupcoaching program at the time.
I think she just finishedthree months with her.
And so not only did she.
See a difference in her life, but she gotto witness differences and all the changes
with the women that she encounteredin that group coaching program.
Yeah.
Brenda Kradolfer (06:53):
Cool.
So super inspiring.
She was inspired.
She's sharing this inspiration with you.
And I hear the resistance and like I'vedone it all, and I can just, yeah, I,
I can just feel myself being there and.
Like you're done, but there's just likethis little, I don't know, a little
glimmer, little something, little voicethat's saying, just this one, just try
(07:16):
this thing, or just this one more thing.
Alyssa (07:19):
Yeah.
And I'm like, gosh, dang it.
Cause I know I'll do it.
Brenda Kradolfer (07:23):
Yeah.
Cause yeah, it sounds like you're alreadyso committed to that self development.
And so were you like, were you wantingto save your marriage at that point?
Or were you just whatever?
Alyssa (07:34):
I that's a good question too.
I think with the help of my friend,I wanted to save my marriage.
She spoke so much faith into ourrelationship and just poured that into
that conversation that it gave me enoughhope to try, even if it didn't work,
(07:56):
I at least had enough hope to try.
Yeah.
Cool.
Brenda Kradolfer (08:02):
So we heard your initial thoughts.
Were there some things thatjust sounded right from the
beginning and what were they like?
What really stood out to youabout what she shared with you?
Or even maybe like, where did yougo from there after talking to her
Alyssa (08:15):
too?
Oh yeah.
Okay.
The first thing that I did when wegot off the phone was she said, right
when we get off this phone, I just.
I don't know.
There was just something about herwhere I was like, okay, whatever you
tell me to do, I'm going to do it.
So she said, right after this, right afteryou get off the phone, I want you to grab
a pen and paper and write down as manythings as you can think of, um, as reasons
(08:39):
that you're grateful for your husband.
And so that's what I did.
And I, she said, try to do atleast 25, but if you can do
more than that, then do it.
And so that's what I did.
I had this.
journal at the time that I probablydidn't even use and I pulled it out
and I wrote down as many things as Icould, one was like, he smells good.
Like, he's good body wash.
(08:59):
Like at that point where you'reso hurt and heartbroken, it's Oh
what do I have to be grateful for?
He's trying to leave mewith these five kids.
And I was just, I justspent the whole year alone.
And then he comes back and he tellsme like, I could have done so much
in that year, I could have startedfresh and moved on, or I don't
know, figured some things out.
(09:21):
I was already by myself.
So yeah.
Yeah, it turned that resentment andjust started to soften my heart, just
the act of diving into that gratitude.
And I think we all knowthe power of gratitude.
Sometimes it takes a littleextra motivation to, to do it.
Brenda Kradolfer (09:39):
Yeah.
And it sounds like you hadthat extra motivation from your
friend and what she shared.
Cause I'm just imagining goingfrom, like your husband saying.
I, I want to move on.
I want to change things.
I'm not sure about our relationship.
And then writing a gratitude list forhim just sounds like a huge stretch.
Alyssa (10:01):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Again, he should be writing.
If he wrote a gratitude listfor me, then maybe he would be
willing to try for a marriage.
But but at the end of the day, thisjourney is all about ourselves.
And yeah.
Yeah.
I can attribute that.
I can honestly say that during thedifficult season that followed,
(10:24):
I went to bed many times.
with a heart full of loveand gratitude for what I had.
And I just felt like my life was sofull and you wouldn't think that with
being in the middle of a marriagecrisis, but it really softened my heart.
And I can attribute having that peaceand Love and comfort and joy to that
(10:48):
daily practice of gratitude and justfocusing on what was going right.
Cause there were so manythings that were going right.
And if I didn't have that habit inplace, I would have missed them.
Brenda Kradolfer (10:59):
Yeah.
Wow.
That sounds like really powerful.
And so how are you feeling?
Like the first time you wrotethis list, how did you feel
Alyssa (11:09):
afterwards?
Oh, I don't even remember.
I'll say this.
I know how I didn't feel.
And because what I didn't say, andI could have included this in my
introduction because I often sharethe story about my past and I have a
history of rage and not being able toNot having the tools to process anger
(11:33):
and not having tools to resolve conflict.
Like when we were firstmarried, I would scream.
I would fall on the bathroom floor, likeuncontrollably, I would throw things,
I would storm out of the house withouttelling him where I was going, just this.
It was just really ugly for somany years and I went to therapy
and received some tools, but someof that temper never goes away.
(11:57):
It's a constant, I gotto keep myself in check.
And, and so even with all the progressthat I've made over the years, if I
hadn't have had these skills and someoneto take me through the skill, walk me
through it, because she checked in withme constantly, this friend who introduced
me to the skills, if I didn't have thatyou're, you asked, how did I feel after?
(12:18):
I can tell you, I wasn't throwingthings and I, I should have been
actually with what was going on.
I was finally justifiedin being that crazy woman.
And I wasn't.
And I wasn't screaming and I wasn'tyelling and I didn't feel devastated.
I felt heartbroken and yeah, therewere moments of devastation, but
overall I didn't feel defeated.
(12:40):
And yeah it kept me afloat for sure.
I think you asked about resentment.
There were times where Iwould write out the gratitudes
and genuinely feel grateful.
And I feel like that was the norm.
There were definitely timeswhere I did feel like.
Why is me doing this for me?
Why am I the one still?
(13:00):
Yeah.
Brenda Kradolfer (13:01):
Yeah.
So where did you go from there?
So you started this practice ofgratitude and just really focusing
on what was going right and yourfriends checking in with you.
What happened next?
Alyssa (13:14):
Even though that was the first thing I did after the call, I
would say the biggest thing that I didwas to take charge of my self care.
And that's the part that I lovedand I could do without resentment.
Cause it's yeah, I'm going to try again.
I deserve this.
And yeah, thankfully hewas really humble about it.
And he was like, yeah, whatevertime you need, I understand.
(13:37):
So that was huge in my favor.
But just diving into threethings, at least a day.
Like Laura says, that fill you up.
My friend said she used theterm perpetual self care.
That really resonated with me too.
And I would say that's how I coulddive into genuine gratitude was
(13:57):
just because I was so filled up.
I was finally taking care ofmyself for the first time.
We hear about gratitude.
Not gratitude.
We hear that word self care a lotand I feel like no one actually
shows us what that means exactly.
And I think it gets mistakenfor either constantly putting
your feelings and needs first.
(14:19):
It is that in a sense, but if youhear how Laura describes it, it's,
she describes it in a much moretangible way that actually does fill
you up and does light up your world.
And it's not this Oh, Ineed to do this for myself.
I need to, it's just oh, I love this.
I love life.
Oh my gosh, I'm happy.
I love that I can takegood care of myself.
Brenda Kradolfer (14:42):
Yeah.
Oh, I love that.
I love, even for me, like I, Ieven had like yesterday I was
doing self care, and I had my threethings and I was conscious of it.
I, I make a consciouseffort now to do those.
And, I think I was getting alittle bit into the, I don't know
if it's like a checklist, butthis isn't lighting me up per se.
(15:04):
Like I, I think I overdid it on one ofmy things until it lost its efficacy.
And so, yeah, that's just such agood reminder to me that it's about
loving life, doing things that arelike, I am so glad to be alive.
And this this life isamazing, irregardless of
what is happening around me.
(15:26):
Yeah.
Yeah.
I love that.
Alyssa (15:30):
Okay.
Brenda Kradolfer (15:31):
So you dove into self care.
You're doing your gratitudes.
Did you get
Alyssa (15:36):
Laura's book?
Oh yeah.
So that was another thingwhere, I told you whatever this
lady says, I'm going to do it.
So yeah.
When we got off the call to diveinto gratitude and she said,
Download her book from the library.
You can get it on thelibrary app for free.
Easy peasy.
Just download it andstart listening to it.
Yeah.
And at that point I still hadthat little grudge, for trying.
(16:00):
yet again.
So I decided to do something fun with it.
And I said, you know what, if I finishthis book in the next seven days,
I'm going to get myself a dress.
There, there's one Ihad been eyeing online.
And so I was like, I'mjust going to do it.
I'm going to buy it.
And that's my reward forfinishing listening to this book.
(16:20):
I'm one of my self care itemswas running at the time.
Like I loved, we lived close to this manmade lake in town that went It had a bike
path and a running path and it went likeright by the downtown area where we lived
and there were bridges crossing the lake.
So anyway, I loved running around that.
And I would just put them, put inmy AirPods or headphones and play
(16:44):
her book and just listen to it.
Until I finished it.
And I got the dress.
I still have that dress.
It's one of my favorite ones.
Aw, yay!
Brenda Kradolfer (16:54):
I love that.
I need a reward if I'm gonna do this.
I love that.
You took, you just took charge of that.
And you knew you were doing a work.
That it was it was hard to to switchover into that I'm going to try with
this new thing, or I'm going to try thisone more thing and just really taking
care of yourself during that process.
(17:14):
I, I really
Alyssa (17:15):
love that.
Yeah.
Laura uses that phrase,you deserve a medal.
Like I hear her use that a lot.
Ah, yeah.
And it's.
So wonderful to receive that.
Yeah, I do deserve a medal.
Like this is hard, like to keep hopingfor something where, you're grasping
at evidence that it's really goingto amount to something positive.
(17:38):
And so it was much more rewarding tobe able to give myself a medal, and
to have that acknowledgement come fromwithin and be Yeah, I do deserve this.
Yeah, I am.
I am doing A good, hard thing, yeah.
Brenda Kradolfer (17:53):
Oh, I love that.
A good, hard thing.
Cause there's like stuffwe can do that's hard.
That's, I don't know.
It doesn't lead us where,yeah, it's just too costly.
Yes.
So what were you noticing?
Were you noticing differences inyour relationship with your husband?
Alyssa (18:07):
Oh my gosh.
So we went from constantly,like before he was deployed, it
felt like any con connecting or.
Any connecting conversation or anyconversation at all was about whether
or not we should be together, itwas just like, either we weren't
talking about it at all, or I don'tknow, or we were, and it was about
(18:29):
whether or not we should be together.
It was never anything positive and thatusually led to some sort of contention.
And so that was the biggestchange I saw right away.
There was.
Zero contention in ourhome, which was incredible.
If you think about the situation, likeeven if our marriage was in a good
(18:51):
place, my husband coming home from ayear long deployment, us having five
kids, like that's stressful to makethat adjustment and that transition.
And yeah, we were able todo it without contention.
Things were really smooth.
There is more peace andharmony in our home.
I remember laughing, feelingoh my gosh, I forgot.
(19:12):
I forgot how to laugh.
Like I forgot what that'slaughing inside my home.
I was always so serious abouteverything all the time and thinking
about the next thing that neededto get done or accomplished.
And all of a sudden I waslighthearted and the same way that
I was when I would go out with mygirlfriends, like you're having fun.
There's no worries, noexpectations, no demands.
(19:34):
You're just able to relax.
I finally felt like that athome, which was night and day
difference from what it was before.
Brenda Kradolfer (19:42):
Yeah.
Cause that's like where you are, I'mguessing most of the time is in your home.
Yes.
Yeah.
So that's like a hugedifference and a huge shift.
And yeah, that's a huge transitiontoo, to go from a deployment you get so
used to running the show yourself and.
Knowing how you like things and thenthe husband comes home and it's it
(20:03):
could totally just throw you for aloop, but it sounds like it didn't.
This time.
Oh my
Alyssa (20:09):
gosh, no, it didn't.
It was so easy.
Like it was, yeah, things wereso much easier and I didn't
know it could be like that.
I don't know.
My parents fought all the time growing up.
Like I knew what a real marriagelooked like my husband's expectations
that we would never fight, whatever.
What is that?
But turns out it's.
(20:30):
You can create that.
You can have that.
Everyone deserves that.
Yeah.
Brenda Kradolfer (20:36):
So your husband came from an, from the idea that like
fighting at home isn't necessary ordoesn't have to be a part of family life.
Was that like a conflict you guys had?
No, like fighting is part of marriage.
It's just what we do.
Alyssa (20:49):
I think he knew, I think he wasn't so naive that he felt like
we would never fight, but I think.
And he was right that it wasunhealthy for it to get to the
level that it did between us.
And that he was right in that sense.
It was, we did have a very unhealthyrelationship in the beginning.
Yeah, but on my end, I feltlike he was being overdramatic.
His expectations were too high.
(21:10):
And like conflict, this is marriage, thisis two people coming together, but right.
Yeah.
But I'm glad he had that hope.
Of what marriage could look like.
And I, I feel like it was a seedthat was planted that helped what
we have now come to fruition.
Brenda Kradolfer (21:27):
Wow.
So what's the, what are things like now?
So you've had big transitions.
Yeah.
What are things like at your house?
Are they the same?
Have they changed?
Do you still use these
Alyssa (21:37):
skills?
These skills.
So it's been a journey.
I'm not going to get into it,but I thought I was going to I
listened to Laura's podcast too.
So I knew the pattern.
You dive deep into the skills, you'rein it for two weeks, and then he comes
home with a new wedding ring, I don'tknow if you've listened to our podcast,
(21:57):
but that's how I had it in my head.
Yeah.
And I was an A plus student.
So I was like, Oh yeah, he'sgonna, he's gonna do a do
over proposal in like months.
It didn't happen that quickly.
And it took some time and there'smore I could say about that,
but I'll say it for a later day.
I'll just say that right now our marriageis oh my gosh, he's apologizing for
(22:18):
ways that he showed up in the past andall doing All during these last three
years, I've been using the skills for,yeah, a little over three years now.
And I have felt like I've been soaccountable, and if only he were
that accountable for mistakes.
So anyway, he's showing up accountablefor the part that he played in the past.
(22:39):
I never thought I would see it.
All those years going to therapy,he never wanted to do therapy.
together.
He just knew that I was the problem.
I knew I was the problem.
But that's something that he's brought up.
Would you go to therapy with me?
Let's work this out and which nowthat I'm introduced to Laura, I'm
like no, I'm not going to, I'm notgoing to go through that headache.
(22:59):
There's a, there's an easier way.
But but just the fact that hewants to, it shows that he wants
to do this together and we'retalking about our future together.
We're parenting our children.
Our children are teenagers now.
Not all of them.
We have teenagers now and youhave teenagers, how, yeah.
Tricky that can be sometimes knowingwhen to let go and when to set
(23:22):
boundaries and draw the line and andwe're able to do that even though,
even if we don't agree eye to eye onthe details, we're able to communicate
that respectfully to each other.
And we can sit down with our kids, evenif we disagree with something, even if
we're just agreeing with each other, westill come forward as a united front.
(23:44):
And our kids know that wehave each other's back.
I didn't know that, that we'd ever.
Ever have that.
And my husband's home full time.
And he had been working, like Imentioned the deployment, but even
after he came back, it seemed like hewas always working in another state
or away from home, but he found a jobclose by and he started expressing.
(24:08):
That actually happened after he startedexpressing his desire to be at home more,
like he wanted to be around the kids more.
And again, that was something that Ithought in the past was like, don't you
want to at least be home for our kids?
Anyway, that's something that I hadto let go of that, let him do his
thing, but he came to it on his own.
He wanted to be at homewith the kids more.
(24:29):
He's wanting me to work lessso that I'm home more so we can
have more family time together.
He's leaving.
Our family and family prayers andscripture study that wasn't there
before he's making a more concertedeffort to be on time for church.
I don't know.
I'm listing all these things and they seemso little, but it's those little things,
that you're like, Oh, if only, and yeah.
(24:53):
It's incredible what happens when youlet go of all those little things, you
allow someone to just be themselves.
You start loving them for who they are.
And then I don't know those littlethings you forgot about, they end up
coming back and the good ones, desires.
The one thing my friend said when she wasintroducing me to the skills, and this was
(25:14):
probably the hook where she said, Alyssa,it's the most Christlike way to love.
And in all my years of therapy, Irealized I can only control myself.
I can only control how I show up.
And that's what I began to takepride in was how I showed up.
And unfortunately it wasn't alwayspretty because of my Rage and my
(25:39):
emotional struggles, but having theskills and Laura, just really dumbing
it down and making it so simple helpedme to show up with a Christlike love.
Like this is the woman I alwayswanted to be in my marriage.
This is how I, this is the wifeI wanted to be to my husband.
This is how I wanted to feel towardshim, towards our kids, towards.
(26:01):
Being at home.
And and so it's so empowering tohave those tools to feel like,
Oh, maybe I can love like Jesus.
And when you do familiarizeyourself with these skills, you're
like, Oh, that's how he did it.
That's how he showed up.
That's how he set boundaries andthat's how he accepted people.
And that's how he helped people rise tobe the better versions of themselves.
(26:26):
And it's.
Yeah.
What more could you want?
What more could you want?
Yeah.
Brenda Kradolfer (26:32):
So beautiful, Alyssa, and so powerful.
And just inspiring, like I hear yousaying those little things, like
you're like, Oh, they just sound likelittle things that I'm like, man,
those little things are what adds up.
Or those are the little things thatwere in, that weren't happening for
me in my relationship that were like,Hey, he's just not the right guy.
He doesn't know how to do these thingsthat, that I came into this relationship.
(26:55):
expecting and thinking thisis how it's going to be, this
is how we're going to do it.
I just was confident thatit was going to go that way.
And then when it doesn't, I just, forme, it just, they would just pile on
top of each other or, and it could bethe littlest thing that would just,
be like this is such a drag sometimes.
And I just love how.
(27:16):
You're saying that these little thingsthat were used to be like little thorns in
the side are now happening at your home.
And yeah, I love it.
And it sounds practicing theskills and your efforts, your
commitment to your faith as well.
Just, it brought all thosethings into your life that.
(27:40):
Seem to be missing
Alyssa (27:41):
before.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And really those little thingsjust become icing on the cake.
Cause you dive into these skillsand you become so happy and you're
like, Whoa, life could be this good.
And you don't really needthose little things anymore.
And then they show upand you're like, Ooh.
Brenda Kradolfer (27:59):
Yeah.
Yes.
I love that.
Like you it's like a fun surprise now.
And cause you've already let go.
You've already let go of it.
Love that.
So you've shared a lot about what has beenrewarding about practicing the skills.
Is there anything else that you've
Alyssa (28:17):
noticed?
Yeah.
In addition to just feeling you havethe tools to be happy and to have
your marriage, be, I don't know.
I guess one thing that I didn'tmention was even when we do have
conflict, cause that's inevitable.
That's, that is marriage is havingthat conflict, but it doesn't have
that negative connotation to me anymorebecause it's that's where we grow.
(28:40):
And I know exactly how I know.
the tools that I need to useand the path to get there.
And, when we argue, it doesn't have to befor weeks at a time, for months at a time.
It could just be that day.
And then, respect is restored.
Intimacy is restored.
And and I guess that has built theother thought that came into mind.
(29:03):
And that is just havingthat confidence in myself.
Confidence as a woman, because I feelempowered and I feel like my marriage
can be as good as I want it to be.
And I have the tools for that.
And and I didn't realize how much thathad affected me as a woman in the past.
Feeling like I would feel confident, butI and people would tell me that, Oh, you
(29:24):
seem so confident and sure of yourself,but you're like if he only saw what was
happening on the inside, it's just afront, but but actually being able to
agree with that now I do love who I am.
I am confident in who I amand I love myself as a woman.
As a mother, as a wifeas just me, as Alyssa.
Brenda Kradolfer (29:44):
Yeah.
I love that.
And I love you too.
And I just think you're so like,you just have this amazing, calm,
like calm, but powerful presence.
And yeah, it's just, Ijust love knowing you.
Thank you so much for sharing allthat you shared today and just
really sharing your heart and.
(30:05):
Opening up with us here.
I'm sure, like you mentioned, there arechallenges in relationships that come up.
So what what do you do now when doyou have those moments where it's
you don't know where to turn oryeah, I'm just curious what you do.
What else you do with theconflict that comes up now?
(30:25):
Yeah.
Alyssa (30:26):
I still do all the things that I used to, pray, read
scriptures, talk to a friend.
But now I think.
It's much easier for me to let go of theshoulds, like I should be angry about
this or, in this situation I'm supposedto like, I'm supposed to hold a grudge
or, or I should be so offended or I shouldbe so determined to put my foot down.
(30:51):
Like I've let go of all thatheaviness and give myself permission
to grieve, to rest, to have fun.
Like I remember feeling It'sokay for me to be happy.
I know what's going on around me, butI can still love life and be happy.
And I feel like we don't giveourselves that sometimes.
It's you're, Oh, you're in thissituation, you shouldn't be that happy.
(31:12):
Like you should, so anyway, I thinkthat's the biggest thing is I allow
myself to, to feel however I want to feel.
And and then it's probably self care too.
Like, all right, what do I need?
How am I feeling right now?
What do I need in this moment?
And then I usually reach out ifit's something like really tricky.
(31:32):
Cause we've definitely had a lot ofthat since me finding the skills.
I'll reach out to you or afellow coach who's so capable.
And yeah, I know.
Yeah.
We've definitely had conversations thathave been real turning points for me.
Like it could have been so bad, but Beingable to hear your voice on the other end
(31:52):
of the phone and just having you stand forme and know the exact right words to say.
And yeah, that's, that's priceless.
That's an everything.
Brenda Kradolfer (32:03):
Yeah.
Thank you for sharing that.
I, yeah, same for me.
I just it's it's such a blessing tohave a coach on tap or, like those
safe places that you can go andshare and get it all out so that
it's not like dragging you down and.
And then if you wantto have, the tool that.
That could help.
It's available there.
(32:24):
And yeah, I love that.
And just like your willingness to, toseek out the support when you need it.
And yeah, it's just so beautiful.
And the permission to be yourselfand to be happy and to let go of The
heaviness of I should feel a certain waygiven where I'm at and to just really
(32:45):
ask yourself, like, how do I actuallyfeel and what do I want from this?
I love it, Alyssa.
Thank you so much for comingon, for sharing with us.
What would you say to somebodywho wants what you have now?
Where your husband's steppingup and you feel good and yeah,
Alyssa (33:04):
I think you know where to go.
Yeah.
The first thing I wouldsay is that it's possible.
If my husband and I could do it witheverything that we've been through
and all of our challenges, like allof the messy areas of relationships,
we've had challenges in them all.
So if we can do it, it'sdefinitely possible for you.
And as far as where to start, I wouldjust say, Maybe there was something about
(33:28):
this call that resonated with you, likemaybe you got curious about the book
or the podcast or a certain skill, likejust start with whatever is speaking
to you in this moment and don't worryabout doing it perfectly, but just start
and it'll lead you to the next step andkeep your sights set on what you want.
Laura says the desireis the seat of feminine.
(33:49):
So if you want something likeStop denying yourself or stop
feeling like it's not possible.
If it's there and you wantit, then that's for a reason.
Oh, I love
Brenda Kradolfer (34:01):
that.
I got chills when you shared that.
And if somebody is resonating withsomething that you shared, how could
they find you and re you know, reach
Alyssa (34:08):
you I'm a simple person and old school, so just email me, reach
out to me, Alyssa Lujan at gmail.
com.
Brenda Kradolfer (34:15):
Awesome.
Thank you.
Alyssa is also a coach.
So yeah she's always happy toshare her wisdom and she gives.
Just the best, simple,straightforward advice.
I just love it so much.
I have one final question foryou before we sign off on this
episode, and it is, if you were aSpice Girl, which one would you be?
Alyssa (34:42):
I'd be Cinnamon Spice for sure.
Is that a Spice Girl?
Brenda Kradolfer (34:46):
No, it's not.
Ginger Spice is a Spice Girl.
Does ginger work?
Ginger,
Alyssa (34:51):
no.
No, I just think of what thatis and I'm anything from that.
Okay, remind
Brenda Kradolfer (34:56):
me, remind me who they are.
Alright, we've got They're across between Splash, right?
Yeah, they're sporty.
Posh, Baby, Ginger, and Scary Spice.
Alyssa (35:08):
Oh, dang.
In some ways I'm like, I'm none ofthose, and then in other ways I'm like,
actually I can relate to them all,
Brenda Kradolfer (35:14):
yeah.
Or maybe you're just your own,like you're the, they added you
on later, you're Cinnamon Spice.
I love it.
That fit.
So fun.
There we go.
Awesome.
Thanks again, Alyssa, andwe'll hopefully see you back
on the podcast again real soon.
Sounds
Alyssa (35:29):
good.
Thanks,
Brenda Kradolfer (35:30):
Brenda.
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