May 9, 2024 • 27 mins
Surviving hate comments as a creative can be tough. In this episode of The Success Palette, author Liz Bullard helps explain the emotional impact of negative online comments on creatives. We explore our personal experiences, offering practical advice on how to process and utilize criticism constructively, while maintaining our unique voice and passion.
We discuss the reasons why some individuals target our negativity towards creators, often emanating from personal insecurities or envy.The importance of distinguishing between beneficial and detrimental feedback, guiding listeners on how to consciously filter criticisms and use them as tools for growth, instead of allowing them to diminish one's creative message is of high importance.
Liz gives strategies to manage hurtful comments, like establishing boundaries, selectively engaging with feedback, and harnessing the power of positive affirmations. She shares tips for newbies on managing criticism and nurturing self-esteem, transforming a potentially traumatic experience into a catalyst for personal and creative growth.
The conversation goes into the relationship between self-esteem and creative outputs. It sheds light on the necessity of understanding one's creative process, the fundamental role of self-validation, and the influence of external validation. Our guest highlights the essence of self-awareness and intuition in managing critiques, making this episode a must-listen for every creative individual.
Lastly, the discussion goes towards the importance of creative communities, their role in sharing common struggles and their crucial contribution to personal growth. For apprehensive creators or those traumatized by past experiences, Liz lends invaluable advice on combating negative self-talk and setting personal goals. The Success Palette: https://thesuccesspalette.com
Liz's links: https://sleek.bio/lizbullardwrites Prophecy Trilogy: New Moon — https://books2read.com/u/meX9PE Snow Fall (FREE) — https://books2read.com/links/ubl/mlXGJM/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hello, hello everyone, you are listening to The Success Palette,
a place to discuss everything that you were not taught in school about how to
be successful in the arts.
I'm your host Soda and today we are going to talk about hate comments.
If you are an independent creator, whether you are a podcaster, an artist.
(00:24):
A writer, whatever it is, you most likely need to upload your work online for others to see.
And when we do upload something that we love, that we worked so hard on,
that we put our heart and soul into,
you will eventually get some sort of negative comments that could range anywhere
(00:49):
from kind of some rude or unwanted criticism to full on harassment.
I've dealt with a lot of it myself, and it can really be discouraging.
So we touched on this a little bit in a couple of other episodes,
but I wanted to have this full episode dedicated to this subject because it's
(01:13):
something that I hear a lot about in my community.
I'm mostly in the art community and it could be really tough.
So I'm really grateful that my friend Liz Bullard was willing to come on and talk with us about this.
She is a writer writer and does have some experience working in the mental health industry.
(01:40):
So Liz, before we get into the subject, do you mind just giving a quick background
on your writing and a little bit about yourself?
Sure. So hi, everyone. Thank you Soda for, you know, hosting this. Again, my name is Liz.
I am an author. I write in the fantasy genre.
(02:01):
I have a couple of stories out with my main one that I am promoting is Prophecy
Trilogy, New Moon, which is book one in my three-part series.
And like Soda mentioned, I'm also, you know, I work my day job.
It's in that mental health space.
So really passionate about this and eager to kind of share some tips on how
people can balance, you know, the feedback and the negativity.
(02:26):
Yes, and I am a huge fan of Liz's books.
I actually did some character art for the Prophecy Trilogy. And then for her
most recent book, Head Rush, I did the cover for that.
And then I am doing some chapter art for another book. So I will have all of those in the show notes.
(02:49):
But back to the subject, I want to hear your thoughts on the relationship between being a creative,
being a highly sensitive person, and someone who might be very susceptible to
a lot of these really insulting comments that a lot of us tend to get.
Yeah, that's a really good question. Because I think, you know,
(03:12):
often we talk about in this industry, you have to have tough skin, right?
You have to be so strong. wrong, but like, there's so many people in this space
and some people that are more sensitive or, you know, sensitive about their
work or shy about their work.
And it hurts when you get a hurtful comment, whether you have tough skin or
not, like when people are just being mean, it hurts.
(03:35):
And so I think it's important to, to be able to know how to turn off some of that sensitivity.
And what I mean by that is, right, not make yourself hardened.
I don't think you should change yourself.
But like thinking about what are things that you need to do to make sure that
you're protected and don't feel like don't let these comments impact your work and who you are.
(04:00):
Yes. And, you know, and at least in my experience, I've noticed that even positive
comments, you could take them too seriously.
And so I'm I'd love to hear your thoughts about how we can kind of embrace feedback,
whether it's done in a respectful or condescending way.
(04:21):
Or praise, but not let it completely change who we are and what our message is.
And like, that's a good question. And like, I did struggle with that for a while, right?
So like, you want to be good, right? This is something that you love,
you want it to be really good.
And so sometimes in an effort to just want to do the best, you can take in too
(04:45):
much and you can feel like you're changing so much.
You don't recognize the work and the work, at least for me, didn't feel good.
It didn't feel like they were my words or how I would approach it.
And I think that's when you know that, okay, you've taken the feedback,
whether good or bad, too far, right?
When you no longer recognize it in a positive way, right? It doesn't feel like growth.
(05:08):
It just feels like a change that you just are uncomfortable with.
So to kind of balance that is, you know, sit with stuff, right?
Whether it's positive, negative, you know, sometimes we're really passionate
about our project and don't want to change anything.
So like sit with that information, right? Sit with, you know, why don't you like this?
You know, why do you resonate with this? You know, sit with,
(05:31):
you know, is this someone that's really trying to help me or is versus someone
that's really just trying to be hurtful, right? So just kind of like sitting with that information.
So that way you can make a logical decision on what to do with that information.
I love what you said about considering the why behind whatever it is that person said.
Are they giving you this feedback because they are an expert in this field and
(05:57):
they care about you and they really, really genuinely want to help you?
Or is it coming from a place of malice? Because a lot of times,
you know, people just want others to feel bad.
What are some reasons that people do this, that, you know, people want to drag
other creatives or people in general down online?
(06:21):
Right, that's the magic question, right? And I think if we can figure that out,
maybe we can get rid of all of them.
And, you know, I will throw out kind of like my hypothesis, right?
So like, some people can be triggered, I believe, by other people's freedom, right?
So like, if they see you out there just being who you are, sometimes I feel
like that could be really triggering for them because maybe they've been told
(06:43):
that they can't do that, that they can't pursue something that they love,
that they can't live this free life.
And when they see someone else kind of living contrary, it's kind of like they're
repeating what someone did to them, right? So there could be that context.
There could be, right, an element of jealousy, right?
Like they really feel like, you know, they could be confusing,
(07:05):
feeling, admiring your work with, oh, I'm jealous.
And like, they're reacting that way when they just need to reframe and say,
like, you know what? You admire their work.
That's okay. You don't need to tear it down.
Sometimes people don't realize what they're doing. They're just kind of responding,
whether they want attention from those comments, right?
You see people, sometimes someone will make a negative comment and then they
(07:28):
repost it or everyone goes and they are talking about it.
And some people that's really beneficial for them, like they want that limelight. Right.
So, you know, there's a variety of reasons that people may respond that way.
And, you know, again, you kind of decide, do you want to feed into that?
Do you want to ignore that kind of like what's your approach? That makes sense.
That totally makes sense, because I know that a lot of people,
(07:51):
if they feel insecure about themselves, they want to make other people feel
insecure, too, because it's like a power trip.
And if they if other people if they drag other people down, it kind of,
has a false sense of them being
lifted up absolutely but you
(08:12):
know even with us knowing that a lot of these hate comments do come from other
people's insecurity from people just being malice and that they're not true
we can't help but feel angry or embarrassed or depressed or defeated or,
you know, this nervousness of picking up their negative vibes.
(08:37):
How can we deal with these natural impulse reactions when logic kind of fails us?
Like we know that, you know, it's illogical, but we just can't help but feel that way anyway.
Absolutely. Right. So we're human, right? And things they stick, they hurt us. Right.
So one thing that comes to mind is like setting some boundaries for yourself,
(08:59):
especially if you know you, right?
There's some people that can look at all these comments and really sort out
the positive from the negative, really look at the comments and not be affected
or really be able to shift that language into something that's helpful for their work.
And if you're cool like that and you can look at that, fine.
Look at that information and be analytical.
(09:21):
If you're not, right, you don't have to necessarily check out every comment,
you know, you know, you could kind of scan and, you know, you can kind of do your own weeding out.
If it's something positive and you want to interact, do that.
If it's negative, you know, you might say like, you know, I'm not going to interact with it.
This author, Geneva Rose, I like how she kind of framed it.
(09:43):
She's an author who got a bad review and she handled it really well.
And it kind of really propelled her, her career a little bit.
That she was talking about.
We'll talk in the writer space for a second. So comments that are on Amazon
or Goodreads, those are for other readers, right?
Those are for other readers to understand about your book. That's not for you, the author, right?
(10:06):
If someone messes at you or they email you, that's criticism for you that they want for you, right?
So you may filter out, like, you know what? They didn't respond to me directly.
They might have commented or added me, but they did not email me directly.
So I'm not going to put all my effort, my attention into this.
(10:27):
Right. And you might use that as your internal filter.
You might also kind of like if someone is negative, you may kind of say like, you know what?
I know their intention is to make me upset.
So I'm just not going to do that. I'm just going to either kind of say something witty.
I'm going to regain my control and not let them know that I'm hurt and kind
(10:48):
of like make something funny out of this, right?
So you, again, might reframe and say, like, you know, it's about power.
So I'm going to reclaim my power.
Ooh, reclaiming your power. I like that. I'm going to use that.
And I think the people who are going to have the hardest time with this,
though, are people who are very new to posting their work, especially if they're new to their craft.
(11:12):
They're the most vulnerable because, I mean, almost everyone is pretty insecure
when they first start already.
And then to hear those negative criticisms, you know, it makes it that much more difficult.
So I'd love to hear your thoughts on ways that people who are new,
and they know that they are highly sensitive people.
(11:35):
How they can kind of ease into posting and not be in that situation where they
are suddenly bombarded with those,
maybe like, just posting in some sort of small supportive group in the beginning
that they know they won't receive that sort of hate?
I like that kind of like what you just said there, right? So if you're nervous, start small, right?
(11:57):
Post it for your friends and family and then do one post that's maybe for the public, right?
Get feedback from your friends and family, people that you know when they're
critiquing you, it's critique.
It's not personal. It's not something that's harmful.
You know they're going to say something in a way that is helpful.
They're not going to just tell you everything's good, but they're going to tell
(12:18):
I tell you with the intention of making it better to start small,
getting your critique group, you know, making, you know, you know,
that that earlier stuff.
Right. If you're super nervous, just kind of again, perfecting it to a point
where you said, you know what, it's good enough for where I am right now.
And I need feedback from others to make it better. Right.
You may need that outside input to know what you're doing well and what you're not doing well.
(12:41):
But until you're at that point, you know, build up your own self-esteem.
You get comfortable with what you're doing well.
You know how good your own product is, your own creative craft is.
And so like whether that means you journal every day about what you did well,
what you like about it, you know, you look at the work before you put it out
and you say, okay, these are all the things I like about it.
(13:02):
So that way, if you get a negative comment and you start to feel like that low
self-esteem, revisit that list that you've already created and say like, you know what?
They might not have liked this one thing, but I have five other things that I like about this.
Or like, you know, when people, you know, say something nice about your work,
write that down, save it so that way when you do have a negative comment,
(13:23):
you can go and revisit, you know what?
I have other people that really like my work. So kind of, you know,
saving those positive experiences for those times when you might encounter a
comment that hurts you when you weren't expecting it. All right.
So you just touched on a lot of things that I am going to want to circle back around to.
But first of all, so you talked about writing down nice things that people say,
(13:49):
which I think is awesome.
But we touched on this a little bit earlier, but it's something that is pretty
important to me personally.
I'm trying to kind of get better with this. So there was a period of time where
I was getting a lot of really, really nice comments.
And it really boosted my self-esteem. Like, I felt so confident for the first time in my life, really.
(14:17):
And then things changed and I wasn't getting nice comments anymore.
I was getting really mean comments. And I realized that I was using those flattering
messages, those really sweet comments that I got as a crutch for my self-esteem.
So I think it's important that we maybe discuss some ways that we could build
(14:41):
up that self-esteem without relying on other people. Do you have any tips?
Suggestions or tips specifically for that? Really great question.
And I think, you know, starting with one thing is like, if you notice that like
the positive reinforcement, like the positive things is becoming a crutch.
So meaning like you can't function without it, or you think your work is bad
(15:05):
until someone says something, right?
Really go and do some self-work and say like, why is that, right?
Why do you need that level of outside validation?
And then really work on like validating your own work for a little bit, right?
Really validating what you like and don't like about your work,
sitting with that, sitting with, you know, and what I mean by sitting with it,
it's just like, just let that feeling be, right?
(15:27):
Like if you're like, ooh, you know what? I really like this.
You be comfortable with it. You be happy with it, right? It doesn't always have
to be something that is shared.
You know what I mean? You be happy being your own cheerleader.
And that way it's not so much dependent on someone else, Right.
Like because they like you mentioned, they may not always be there.
They may not always give you the feedback or see the things that you see in
(15:50):
the work. So it is good to have outside input.
But if it becomes so much that you cannot function without it,
really see kind of like why. Why? Right. Ask yourself, like, why is that?
And you may figure out like, oh, like, you know what? I appreciate this person's input.
And when they don't give it, I kind of tell myself the story that it's bad.
(16:13):
You may feel like, you know what? No one has ever really told me something positive
outside of my work. So you kind of tie yourself to that.
So if you're finding that, you know, you are so tied to the feedback,
just kind of like asking yourself why and see what that kind of comes up for you.
I love all of those things. And I've actually been implementing some of them
(16:33):
lately. And I have noticed a huge improvement for me.
So I want to know, has expressing yourself through creativity helped you at
all with your self-esteem?
Oh, another great question. Absolutely. So I really learned to trust my intuition, right?
(16:54):
Like sometimes I would get into that space of like needing that validation or
that input put from someone else.
And, you know, sometimes someone would give advice or critique and I'm just
like, yeah, I don't really like agree with this. This doesn't fit.
And I would try and kind of fit into a mold or fit into a framework and then
feel not really great. Cause I'm like, yeah, this doesn't really fit.
(17:16):
So through the creative process, I learned to really like me a little bit,
you know, to really understand how I function and how I do things. Right.
So I think sometimes I think especially for like women a lot,
it's like, you know, you have to be like this or you have to do like this or,
you know, there's some of like a framework of acceptability.
(17:38):
And I think the creative process, because it is so unique, I really had to get
comfortable and learn about me.
What do I like? How do I like to work? Do I like to work in the day?
Do I like to work in the afternoon?
Do I like to work with music? Right. I got to really focus on me.
And that really helped me feel a little bit empowered.
(17:58):
Like, you know, no, I don't like this or I don't like this product.
I don't like this software. I like this.
And so I think it really helped me in terms of confidence because I had to frame
myself and not someone else.
Yes. And I bet just seeing your book out there, just nice and polished, You didn't cut corners.
(18:18):
You really put a lot of love and care into your books.
And people could see that. And I bet just seeing it out there,
the way that you envisioned it, whether it sells a bunch or not,
is really empowering to you.
Absolutely. And that took time, right? The first First time I started writing,
(18:42):
I was working on a different novel.
And in that process, I really, again, I got into my head about like,
how am I supposed to write?
What is a writer supposed to do? How is a character supposed to be?
And by the end of it, I had a story, but not something that I felt.
Was really me. I just felt like there was something missing.
And so with this one, I really said, what do you want to do?
(19:05):
What do you want to write?
And when I would have those thoughts of like, oh, you're supposed to do it that way.
I was like, nope, I'm not going to focus on that. I'm just going to do what
feels right. And that just helped me.
And again, like I would encourage anyone, like get to know your creative process
and that will help you filter out stuff.
Because if someone's just like, I don't like that color, you will be like, yeah, yeah, but I do.
(19:28):
And I like this color because it represents whatever, right?
Like you'll know that your intention. And I think that's helpful.
If you don't really know what you're doing or why, sometimes it's easy to be
swayed by everything, but gain
a little bit more confidence in what you're doing, why you're doing it.
So that way you won't feel so swayed, if that makes sense. Yeah.
(19:50):
And I mean, that's really what separates us from, you know, organic work from
maybe AI books or AI art or AI music,
because you put in so much of your soul and so many,
every little thing has a reason for it.
So yeah and that's that's also what what
(20:12):
makes it more vulnerable when you share it's not
as vulnerable if you share something made with ai
because it puts distance between you and your your soul but
when it's something yeah it's so and i have noticed so i'm still kind of learning
my my writing skills and i've noticed you mentioned critique groups and such
(20:34):
earlier or having that small group for both my writing.
For my art, whatever I do has really helped me.
And I didn't know if you'd be able to talk a little bit about how you might
find these groups, some of the benefits of these small groups and how they have helped you grow.
(20:55):
Absolutely. I think it's really important because sometimes,
again, in this work, it could be isolating, right?
You're doing your art by yourself or you're writing by yourself.
Sometimes your friends and family don't understand that struggle of like,
I can't find the right word or there's something missing with this.
And, you know, just that process of like that internal struggle.
(21:16):
Struggle so being able to have that critique group of like
yeah like I felt like that like you know I
felt lost sometimes in the project but don't get up get
give up because at the end it's going to come together right like
having someone go through the process
it's very it gets comforting because like oh yeah like I'm not alone I'm not
the only person who's like absolutely hated my work right like you know what
(21:39):
I mean like it's just that sense of camaraderie is so good so like Like you
can find these different critique groups line in your local org,
you know, your local communities.
You can like Google, whether it's artists in, you know, your state,
artists in your community, different type, you know, if you're a writer,
(22:00):
book clubs, bookstores, right?
Again, just kind of like doing a Google search, looking within Facebook groups
or clubhouse groups, right?
Finding, and don't be afraid to try out these different groups.
Just because you go to one, you may say like, I just don't vibe with the people.
I don't feel comforted. Their style of critique, right? Just because like all
(22:21):
critique is not the same.
Some people might be more, we'll say directive or authoritarian with their critique.
And you might be like, I don't like that. Like, I personally don't like that.
I like people who frame the questions like, you know, I felt confused.
Was that your intention? Like, you know, this felt unclear, you know,
(22:41):
have you thought of ways that you can make it clear?
Like, help me figure out and dig deeper into my work.
That really is helpful for me, where some people are just like, tell me black and white.
I hate it. I love it. You know, so find your different group that speaks the
language that most benefits you.
Yes, because I know I left the art community for a long time because I just
(23:04):
couldn't find any groups that I liked.
And then I recently did find a couple groups, which I will link down below for
a positive arts community group.
But yeah so in conclusion
what would what's the
number one thing that you would
(23:24):
want someone who is about to post for their first time or someone who is has
been traumatized by a post in the past and scared to post again and they're
trying to build up that courage what's the main takeaway away that you would
want them to get from this? Absolutely.
(23:45):
Being aware of the negative thoughts and the negative stories that you tell yourself, right?
Like sometimes, especially if we've had that negative experience,
you know, we, when we're about to try something new, we can talk ourselves out
of it before anyone else has the chance to.
And like, if you notice, like for me, like sometimes before I try something
(24:06):
new, I can convince myself why not to do it. Like, Like you're not going to know what to do.
This isn't going to look good, all these different things.
And so I will literally sometimes have to just be like, one,
two, three, go. And like, just not think about it, just put it out there.
And sometimes that's been like the best response, right? They're like,
oh, wow, this is really cool. Or I never thought to do it like this.
(24:27):
And if I would have listened to that negative thought.
I would have never shared it. I would have never got that feedback.
And I would have never learned that sometimes that negative voice is trying
to help me, but it's not helpful, right?
So like understand the negative things that you tell yourself and kind of break that down, right?
If you notice that every time you try to do something new, that negative voice
(24:50):
comes up, know that, know that like, okay, this is trying to help me.
It's not being helpful right now because I tried it. I got critiqued.
I did everything that I can do. I'm going to share this.
Know that like, if you're telling yourself, oh, this is so hideous,
this is so, you know, if you're telling yourself that over and over,
you're going to start to believe it.
(25:12):
So if you notice that you're doing that, start telling yourself something positive.
Look at that canvas, look at that, listen to that music, look at,
reread your work until you can find something positive about it.
And you might say like, Like when I find three positive things, I'm going to share it.
But like give yourself like some concrete goals, especially if you feel traumatized
(25:34):
or really struggle with that, that nervousness with sharing.
Just give yourself like, you know, your own little rubric or rules.
You know what I mean? Like, okay, once I have no spelling errors and I have
my three friends, okay, I'm going to share it.
You know, whatever that is. But give yourself something so that you can begin
(25:54):
to conquer like that negative feeling or that negative voice.
I love that. Love that.
And again, thank you so much for all of the wisdom that you shared today, Liz.
And I will make sure to have all your links down below because I'm sure people
(26:17):
are going to want to check that out after listening.
And yeah thank you everyone for tuning
in to this week's episode of the success palette
remember you can go to the success palette.com for
all of our social media links and if you want to check out the podcast on any
(26:37):
other platforms the information will be there if there are any specific topics
that you would like to hear about,
please let me know on Instagram through a comment or message, either way.
And yeah, let's all work together to make this a successful week.
Hello, hello everyone, you are listening to The Success Palette,
a place to discuss everything that you were not taught in school about how to
be successful in the arts.
I'm your host Soda and today we are going to talk about hate comments.
If you are an independent creator, whether you are a podcaster, an artist.
(00:24):
A writer, whatever it is, you most likely need to upload your work online for others to see.
And when we do upload something that we love, that we worked so hard on,
that we put our heart and soul into,
you will eventually get some sort of negative comments that could range anywhere
(00:49):
from kind of some rude or unwanted criticism to full on harassment.
I've dealt with a lot of it myself, and it can really be discouraging.
So we touched on this a little bit in a couple of other episodes,
but I wanted to have this full episode dedicated to this subject because it's
(01:13):
something that I hear a lot about in my community.
I'm mostly in the art community and it could be really tough.
So I'm really grateful that my friend Liz Bullard was willing to come on and talk with us about this.
She is a writer writer and does have some experience working in the mental health industry.
(01:40):
So Liz, before we get into the subject, do you mind just giving a quick background
on your writing and a little bit about yourself?
Sure. So hi, everyone. Thank you Soda for, you know, hosting this. Again, my name is Liz.
I am an author. I write in the fantasy genre.
(02:01):
I have a couple of stories out with my main one that I am promoting is Prophecy
Trilogy, New Moon, which is book one in my three-part series.
And like Soda mentioned, I'm also, you know, I work my day job.
It's in that mental health space.
So really passionate about this and eager to kind of share some tips on how
people can balance, you know, the feedback and the negativity.
(02:26):
Yes, and I am a huge fan of Liz's books.
I actually did some character art for the Prophecy Trilogy. And then for her
most recent book, Head Rush, I did the cover for that.
And then I am doing some chapter art for another book. So I will have all of those in the show notes.
(02:49):
But back to the subject, I want to hear your thoughts on the relationship between being a creative,
being a highly sensitive person, and someone who might be very susceptible to
a lot of these really insulting comments that a lot of us tend to get.
Yeah, that's a really good question. Because I think, you know,
(03:12):
often we talk about in this industry, you have to have tough skin, right?
You have to be so strong. wrong, but like, there's so many people in this space
and some people that are more sensitive or, you know, sensitive about their
work or shy about their work.
And it hurts when you get a hurtful comment, whether you have tough skin or
not, like when people are just being mean, it hurts.
(03:35):
And so I think it's important to, to be able to know how to turn off some of that sensitivity.
And what I mean by that is, right, not make yourself hardened.
I don't think you should change yourself.
But like thinking about what are things that you need to do to make sure that
you're protected and don't feel like don't let these comments impact your work and who you are.
(04:00):
Yes. And, you know, and at least in my experience, I've noticed that even positive
comments, you could take them too seriously.
And so I'm I'd love to hear your thoughts about how we can kind of embrace feedback,
whether it's done in a respectful or condescending way.
(04:21):
Or praise, but not let it completely change who we are and what our message is.
And like, that's a good question. And like, I did struggle with that for a while, right?
So like, you want to be good, right? This is something that you love,
you want it to be really good.
And so sometimes in an effort to just want to do the best, you can take in too
(04:45):
much and you can feel like you're changing so much.
You don't recognize the work and the work, at least for me, didn't feel good.
It didn't feel like they were my words or how I would approach it.
And I think that's when you know that, okay, you've taken the feedback,
whether good or bad, too far, right?
When you no longer recognize it in a positive way, right? It doesn't feel like growth.
(05:08):
It just feels like a change that you just are uncomfortable with.
So to kind of balance that is, you know, sit with stuff, right?
Whether it's positive, negative, you know, sometimes we're really passionate
about our project and don't want to change anything.
So like sit with that information, right? Sit with, you know, why don't you like this?
You know, why do you resonate with this? You know, sit with,
(05:31):
you know, is this someone that's really trying to help me or is versus someone
that's really just trying to be hurtful, right? So just kind of like sitting with that information.
So that way you can make a logical decision on what to do with that information.
I love what you said about considering the why behind whatever it is that person said.
Are they giving you this feedback because they are an expert in this field and
(05:57):
they care about you and they really, really genuinely want to help you?
Or is it coming from a place of malice? Because a lot of times,
you know, people just want others to feel bad.
What are some reasons that people do this, that, you know, people want to drag
other creatives or people in general down online?
(06:21):
Right, that's the magic question, right? And I think if we can figure that out,
maybe we can get rid of all of them.
And, you know, I will throw out kind of like my hypothesis, right?
So like, some people can be triggered, I believe, by other people's freedom, right?
So like, if they see you out there just being who you are, sometimes I feel
like that could be really triggering for them because maybe they've been told
(06:43):
that they can't do that, that they can't pursue something that they love,
that they can't live this free life.
And when they see someone else kind of living contrary, it's kind of like they're
repeating what someone did to them, right? So there could be that context.
There could be, right, an element of jealousy, right?
Like they really feel like, you know, they could be confusing,
(07:05):
feeling, admiring your work with, oh, I'm jealous.
And like, they're reacting that way when they just need to reframe and say,
like, you know what? You admire their work.
That's okay. You don't need to tear it down.
Sometimes people don't realize what they're doing. They're just kind of responding,
whether they want attention from those comments, right?
You see people, sometimes someone will make a negative comment and then they
(07:28):
repost it or everyone goes and they are talking about it.
And some people that's really beneficial for them, like they want that limelight. Right.
So, you know, there's a variety of reasons that people may respond that way.
And, you know, again, you kind of decide, do you want to feed into that?
Do you want to ignore that kind of like what's your approach? That makes sense.
That totally makes sense, because I know that a lot of people,
(07:51):
if they feel insecure about themselves, they want to make other people feel
insecure, too, because it's like a power trip.
And if they if other people if they drag other people down, it kind of,
has a false sense of them being
lifted up absolutely but you
(08:12):
know even with us knowing that a lot of these hate comments do come from other
people's insecurity from people just being malice and that they're not true
we can't help but feel angry or embarrassed or depressed or defeated or,
you know, this nervousness of picking up their negative vibes.
(08:37):
How can we deal with these natural impulse reactions when logic kind of fails us?
Like we know that, you know, it's illogical, but we just can't help but feel that way anyway.
Absolutely. Right. So we're human, right? And things they stick, they hurt us. Right.
So one thing that comes to mind is like setting some boundaries for yourself,
(08:59):
especially if you know you, right?
There's some people that can look at all these comments and really sort out
the positive from the negative, really look at the comments and not be affected
or really be able to shift that language into something that's helpful for their work.
And if you're cool like that and you can look at that, fine.
Look at that information and be analytical.
(09:21):
If you're not, right, you don't have to necessarily check out every comment,
you know, you know, you could kind of scan and, you know, you can kind of do your own weeding out.
If it's something positive and you want to interact, do that.
If it's negative, you know, you might say like, you know, I'm not going to interact with it.
This author, Geneva Rose, I like how she kind of framed it.
(09:43):
She's an author who got a bad review and she handled it really well.
And it kind of really propelled her, her career a little bit.
That she was talking about.
We'll talk in the writer space for a second. So comments that are on Amazon
or Goodreads, those are for other readers, right?
Those are for other readers to understand about your book. That's not for you, the author, right?
(10:06):
If someone messes at you or they email you, that's criticism for you that they want for you, right?
So you may filter out, like, you know what? They didn't respond to me directly.
They might have commented or added me, but they did not email me directly.
So I'm not going to put all my effort, my attention into this.
(10:27):
Right. And you might use that as your internal filter.
You might also kind of like if someone is negative, you may kind of say like, you know what?
I know their intention is to make me upset.
So I'm just not going to do that. I'm just going to either kind of say something witty.
I'm going to regain my control and not let them know that I'm hurt and kind
(10:48):
of like make something funny out of this, right?
So you, again, might reframe and say, like, you know, it's about power.
So I'm going to reclaim my power.
Ooh, reclaiming your power. I like that. I'm going to use that.
And I think the people who are going to have the hardest time with this,
though, are people who are very new to posting their work, especially if they're new to their craft.
(11:12):
They're the most vulnerable because, I mean, almost everyone is pretty insecure
when they first start already.
And then to hear those negative criticisms, you know, it makes it that much more difficult.
So I'd love to hear your thoughts on ways that people who are new,
and they know that they are highly sensitive people.
(11:35):
How they can kind of ease into posting and not be in that situation where they
are suddenly bombarded with those,
maybe like, just posting in some sort of small supportive group in the beginning
that they know they won't receive that sort of hate?
I like that kind of like what you just said there, right? So if you're nervous, start small, right?
(11:57):
Post it for your friends and family and then do one post that's maybe for the public, right?
Get feedback from your friends and family, people that you know when they're
critiquing you, it's critique.
It's not personal. It's not something that's harmful.
You know they're going to say something in a way that is helpful.
They're not going to just tell you everything's good, but they're going to tell
(12:18):
I tell you with the intention of making it better to start small,
getting your critique group, you know, making, you know, you know,
that that earlier stuff.
Right. If you're super nervous, just kind of again, perfecting it to a point
where you said, you know what, it's good enough for where I am right now.
And I need feedback from others to make it better. Right.
You may need that outside input to know what you're doing well and what you're not doing well.
(12:41):
But until you're at that point, you know, build up your own self-esteem.
You get comfortable with what you're doing well.
You know how good your own product is, your own creative craft is.
And so like whether that means you journal every day about what you did well,
what you like about it, you know, you look at the work before you put it out
and you say, okay, these are all the things I like about it.
(13:02):
So that way, if you get a negative comment and you start to feel like that low
self-esteem, revisit that list that you've already created and say like, you know what?
They might not have liked this one thing, but I have five other things that I like about this.
Or like, you know, when people, you know, say something nice about your work,
write that down, save it so that way when you do have a negative comment,
(13:23):
you can go and revisit, you know what?
I have other people that really like my work. So kind of, you know,
saving those positive experiences for those times when you might encounter a
comment that hurts you when you weren't expecting it. All right.
So you just touched on a lot of things that I am going to want to circle back around to.
But first of all, so you talked about writing down nice things that people say,
(13:49):
which I think is awesome.
But we touched on this a little bit earlier, but it's something that is pretty
important to me personally.
I'm trying to kind of get better with this. So there was a period of time where
I was getting a lot of really, really nice comments.
And it really boosted my self-esteem. Like, I felt so confident for the first time in my life, really.
(14:17):
And then things changed and I wasn't getting nice comments anymore.
I was getting really mean comments. And I realized that I was using those flattering
messages, those really sweet comments that I got as a crutch for my self-esteem.
So I think it's important that we maybe discuss some ways that we could build
(14:41):
up that self-esteem without relying on other people. Do you have any tips?
Suggestions or tips specifically for that? Really great question.
And I think, you know, starting with one thing is like, if you notice that like
the positive reinforcement, like the positive things is becoming a crutch.
So meaning like you can't function without it, or you think your work is bad
(15:05):
until someone says something, right?
Really go and do some self-work and say like, why is that, right?
Why do you need that level of outside validation?
And then really work on like validating your own work for a little bit, right?
Really validating what you like and don't like about your work,
sitting with that, sitting with, you know, and what I mean by sitting with it,
it's just like, just let that feeling be, right?
(15:27):
Like if you're like, ooh, you know what? I really like this.
You be comfortable with it. You be happy with it, right? It doesn't always have
to be something that is shared.
You know what I mean? You be happy being your own cheerleader.
And that way it's not so much dependent on someone else, Right.
Like because they like you mentioned, they may not always be there.
They may not always give you the feedback or see the things that you see in
(15:50):
the work. So it is good to have outside input.
But if it becomes so much that you cannot function without it,
really see kind of like why. Why? Right. Ask yourself, like, why is that?
And you may figure out like, oh, like, you know what? I appreciate this person's input.
And when they don't give it, I kind of tell myself the story that it's bad.
(16:13):
You may feel like, you know what? No one has ever really told me something positive
outside of my work. So you kind of tie yourself to that.
So if you're finding that, you know, you are so tied to the feedback,
just kind of like asking yourself why and see what that kind of comes up for you.
I love all of those things. And I've actually been implementing some of them
(16:33):
lately. And I have noticed a huge improvement for me.
So I want to know, has expressing yourself through creativity helped you at
all with your self-esteem?
Oh, another great question. Absolutely. So I really learned to trust my intuition, right?
(16:54):
Like sometimes I would get into that space of like needing that validation or
that input put from someone else.
And, you know, sometimes someone would give advice or critique and I'm just
like, yeah, I don't really like agree with this. This doesn't fit.
And I would try and kind of fit into a mold or fit into a framework and then
feel not really great. Cause I'm like, yeah, this doesn't really fit.
(17:16):
So through the creative process, I learned to really like me a little bit,
you know, to really understand how I function and how I do things. Right.
So I think sometimes I think especially for like women a lot,
it's like, you know, you have to be like this or you have to do like this or,
you know, there's some of like a framework of acceptability.
(17:38):
And I think the creative process, because it is so unique, I really had to get
comfortable and learn about me.
What do I like? How do I like to work? Do I like to work in the day?
Do I like to work in the afternoon?
Do I like to work with music? Right. I got to really focus on me.
And that really helped me feel a little bit empowered.
(17:58):
Like, you know, no, I don't like this or I don't like this product.
I don't like this software. I like this.
And so I think it really helped me in terms of confidence because I had to frame
myself and not someone else.
Yes. And I bet just seeing your book out there, just nice and polished, You didn't cut corners.
(18:18):
You really put a lot of love and care into your books.
And people could see that. And I bet just seeing it out there,
the way that you envisioned it, whether it sells a bunch or not,
is really empowering to you.
Absolutely. And that took time, right? The first First time I started writing,
(18:42):
I was working on a different novel.
And in that process, I really, again, I got into my head about like,
how am I supposed to write?
What is a writer supposed to do? How is a character supposed to be?
And by the end of it, I had a story, but not something that I felt.
Was really me. I just felt like there was something missing.
And so with this one, I really said, what do you want to do?
(19:05):
What do you want to write?
And when I would have those thoughts of like, oh, you're supposed to do it that way.
I was like, nope, I'm not going to focus on that. I'm just going to do what
feels right. And that just helped me.
And again, like I would encourage anyone, like get to know your creative process
and that will help you filter out stuff.
Because if someone's just like, I don't like that color, you will be like, yeah, yeah, but I do.
(19:28):
And I like this color because it represents whatever, right?
Like you'll know that your intention. And I think that's helpful.
If you don't really know what you're doing or why, sometimes it's easy to be
swayed by everything, but gain
a little bit more confidence in what you're doing, why you're doing it.
So that way you won't feel so swayed, if that makes sense. Yeah.
(19:50):
And I mean, that's really what separates us from, you know, organic work from
maybe AI books or AI art or AI music,
because you put in so much of your soul and so many,
every little thing has a reason for it.
So yeah and that's that's also what what
(20:12):
makes it more vulnerable when you share it's not
as vulnerable if you share something made with ai
because it puts distance between you and your your soul but
when it's something yeah it's so and i have noticed so i'm still kind of learning
my my writing skills and i've noticed you mentioned critique groups and such
(20:34):
earlier or having that small group for both my writing.
For my art, whatever I do has really helped me.
And I didn't know if you'd be able to talk a little bit about how you might
find these groups, some of the benefits of these small groups and how they have helped you grow.
(20:55):
Absolutely. I think it's really important because sometimes,
again, in this work, it could be isolating, right?
You're doing your art by yourself or you're writing by yourself.
Sometimes your friends and family don't understand that struggle of like,
I can't find the right word or there's something missing with this.
And, you know, just that process of like that internal struggle.
(21:16):
Struggle so being able to have that critique group of like
yeah like I felt like that like you know I
felt lost sometimes in the project but don't get up get
give up because at the end it's going to come together right like
having someone go through the process
it's very it gets comforting because like oh yeah like I'm not alone I'm not
the only person who's like absolutely hated my work right like you know what
(21:39):
I mean like it's just that sense of camaraderie is so good so like Like you
can find these different critique groups line in your local org,
you know, your local communities.
You can like Google, whether it's artists in, you know, your state,
artists in your community, different type, you know, if you're a writer,
(22:00):
book clubs, bookstores, right?
Again, just kind of like doing a Google search, looking within Facebook groups
or clubhouse groups, right?
Finding, and don't be afraid to try out these different groups.
Just because you go to one, you may say like, I just don't vibe with the people.
I don't feel comforted. Their style of critique, right? Just because like all
(22:21):
critique is not the same.
Some people might be more, we'll say directive or authoritarian with their critique.
And you might be like, I don't like that. Like, I personally don't like that.
I like people who frame the questions like, you know, I felt confused.
Was that your intention? Like, you know, this felt unclear, you know,
(22:41):
have you thought of ways that you can make it clear?
Like, help me figure out and dig deeper into my work.
That really is helpful for me, where some people are just like, tell me black and white.
I hate it. I love it. You know, so find your different group that speaks the
language that most benefits you.
Yes, because I know I left the art community for a long time because I just
(23:04):
couldn't find any groups that I liked.
And then I recently did find a couple groups, which I will link down below for
a positive arts community group.
But yeah so in conclusion
what would what's the
number one thing that you would
(23:24):
want someone who is about to post for their first time or someone who is has
been traumatized by a post in the past and scared to post again and they're
trying to build up that courage what's the main takeaway away that you would
want them to get from this? Absolutely.
(23:45):
Being aware of the negative thoughts and the negative stories that you tell yourself, right?
Like sometimes, especially if we've had that negative experience,
you know, we, when we're about to try something new, we can talk ourselves out
of it before anyone else has the chance to.
And like, if you notice, like for me, like sometimes before I try something
(24:06):
new, I can convince myself why not to do it. Like, Like you're not going to know what to do.
This isn't going to look good, all these different things.
And so I will literally sometimes have to just be like, one,
two, three, go. And like, just not think about it, just put it out there.
And sometimes that's been like the best response, right? They're like,
oh, wow, this is really cool. Or I never thought to do it like this.
(24:27):
And if I would have listened to that negative thought.
I would have never shared it. I would have never got that feedback.
And I would have never learned that sometimes that negative voice is trying
to help me, but it's not helpful, right?
So like understand the negative things that you tell yourself and kind of break that down, right?
If you notice that every time you try to do something new, that negative voice
(24:50):
comes up, know that, know that like, okay, this is trying to help me.
It's not being helpful right now because I tried it. I got critiqued.
I did everything that I can do. I'm going to share this.
Know that like, if you're telling yourself, oh, this is so hideous,
this is so, you know, if you're telling yourself that over and over,
you're going to start to believe it.
(25:12):
So if you notice that you're doing that, start telling yourself something positive.
Look at that canvas, look at that, listen to that music, look at,
reread your work until you can find something positive about it.
And you might say like, Like when I find three positive things, I'm going to share it.
But like give yourself like some concrete goals, especially if you feel traumatized
(25:34):
or really struggle with that, that nervousness with sharing.
Just give yourself like, you know, your own little rubric or rules.
You know what I mean? Like, okay, once I have no spelling errors and I have
my three friends, okay, I'm going to share it.
You know, whatever that is. But give yourself something so that you can begin
(25:54):
to conquer like that negative feeling or that negative voice.
I love that. Love that.
And again, thank you so much for all of the wisdom that you shared today, Liz.
And I will make sure to have all your links down below because I'm sure people
(26:17):
are going to want to check that out after listening.
And yeah thank you everyone for tuning
in to this week's episode of the success palette
remember you can go to the success palette.com for
all of our social media links and if you want to check out the podcast on any
(26:37):
other platforms the information will be there if there are any specific topics
that you would like to hear about,
please let me know on Instagram through a comment or message, either way.
And yeah, let's all work together to make this a successful week.
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