October 30, 2023 • 41 mins
This week is International Stress Awareness Week, and stress is something moms know a lot about. Cassy and Erica talk about how stress can affect you, why moms feel so stressed out all the time, and ways to help feel a little more calm.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker A (00:07):
Hi and welcome to the South Central PA Mom Fireflies and Whoopee Pie podcast,
where we discuss motherhood, local events, andeverything in between right here in South
Central PA.
So sit back, grab a coffee a while, and settle
in for the show.
(00:27):
Today we are going to be talking about
International Stress Awareness Week because Ithink that stress is something that pretty
much all moms are familiar with.
Speaker B (00:37):
Yes, definitely.
Speaker A (00:39):
So the International Stress Management Association created International
Stress Awareness Week to focus on stressmanagement and erase the stigma against stress
and mental health.
Is that something that you feel like you've
dealt with for you as a mom?
Speaker B (00:58):
Definitely. After I had my second daughter back in 2019, I developed pretty
severe postpartum anxiety, which I feel likenow it's definitely much more accepted and
there are a lot of resources for it.
But I feel like even as far back as four years
(01:19):
ago, it wasn't something that I feel like isas prevalent as it is now and then COVID hit.
So I feel like my mental health, I just wasn'tin a great spot mentally with postpartum
anxiety and then COVID hitting.
So definitely as a mom, I've felt it, and it's
(01:41):
still something that I continue to deal withfour years later.
Speaker A (01:46):
Yeah, and I feel like this is something that I struggle with a lot also.
And I totally agree.
I don't think that even growing up before I
was a mom, postpartum depression wasn'tsomething that anyone really talked about.
Speaker B (02:01):
No.
Speaker A (02:05):
I was a kid, so maybe moms were aware of it, but it was not in the cultural
conversation the way it is now.
Speaker B (02:12):
Yes, definitely not.
And I think that looking back, I think that
there were a lot of moms that had some sort ofa postpartum or maybe wasn't even postpartum,
maybe just developing anxiety or a mentalhealth issue while trying to parent.
And I feel like they just kind of swept itunder the rug because it wasn't something like
(02:36):
you said, that was talked about as much as itis now.
And I feel like social media has helped thatand that aspect making it more applicable that
other people are able to touch on it, andyou're also able to connect with others who
(02:58):
might be feeling the same way that you are.
Speaker A (03:01):
Well, and even aside from it being part of the cultural conversation now, I think
that it's more acceptable now for moms to justsay, like, hey, I'm stressed out.
I feel like we have to almost not overexaggerate, but it's not enough for us to just
say, I'm really stressed out, I need a break,because we're supposed to be super mom.
(03:22):
Right, but the truth is that stress can putyou at risk for all of these actual physical
problems, like heart disease and high bloodpressure and strokes and sleep problems.
But if we as a mom were to just say tosomeone, yeah, I'm really stressed out.
I need some help.
I don't think most people would really think
(03:43):
much of it because you're just stressed.
Everyone's stressed.
Right?
Speaker B (03:47):
Right. Yeah. I think it's just how do we manage that stress, and how do we go
forward daily with it?And how do we, with ourselves, tell ourselves
that it's okay, it's okay to be stressed outand it's okay to admit that maybe you do need
some help, whether that's from your spouse orwhether it's from a parent, a friend, a
(04:13):
neighbor, somebody that can help you.
I think for me personally and I don't know
about yourself, it's like, when do I reachthat point where I'm like, okay, I need help.
I'm stressed, I'm at my max, and what can I doto maybe make sure I don't get to that point
where I'm overstressed?What are some coping mechanisms that can help
(04:36):
me?Or what is something that I can do to prevent
myself getting to that point where I am overlystressed?
And not that it's not okay to need help, butthat I'm at the point where I'm like, oh, my
goodness, I'm so stressed, I can't do this orthat I'm yelling at my kids, or I'm so
(04:57):
overloaded, how can I make sure I don't getquite to that breaking point?
Speaker A (05:03):
Yeah. And even just the daily feeling of being stressed all the time.
That's an actual, like, researching this topicfor this week.
That's an actual real disorder, like, calledchronic stress.
And again, it can cause real issues.
And it's one of the things where they talk
(05:25):
about low energy and insomnia and havingtrouble focusing, and it's like, I can relate
to that.
I think every mom can.
And I don't know that I would have reallyconnected it with just, well, I have a lot of
stress, and that is affecting me.
Speaker B (05:43):
Right.
I think it's a lot of things.
I think it's the food that you eat that alsoaffects you.
I think it's like you said, if you're notgetting enough sleep, that can affect it.
I think it's just so many things that tie intofeeling stress.
It might not just be, like you said, a lot onyour plate.
It just might be, well, maybe you're noteating right, or maybe you're not getting
enough sleep, or maybe something is hurtingyou physically, but you're just not paying
(06:09):
attention to it.
So that can also cause stress.
Or maybe you do have high blood pressure, butyou just don't know it.
I have high blood pressure, and I didn't knowit until I went in for my doctor's
appointments when I was pregnant.
I had no idea.
So I think it's just also making sure you'rekeeping up with those regular doctors
appointments and just also tuning into yourbody and not just, I have so much on my plate,
(06:36):
and I'm stressed.
I have too much to do.
I think it all just ties in together.
Speaker A (06:42):
Yeah. And one thing that I saw that I thought was interesting, because this is
definitely how I feel, and seeing it kind ofaffirmed a lot, was a little bit nice, and
that's that moms are more stressed out thandads are, generally speaking.
Do you feel that way?
Speaker B (07:03):
Yeah. I can't speak for my husband himself, but I definitely think that moms are
more stressed or I don't know if it's maybejust females in general.
I think we're just wired differently.
I definitely think that my husband handles
stress better than I do, or at least he justdoesn't show it.
(07:24):
But I definitely do feel like moms yeah, Ithink we put more pressure on ourselves, and I
think we feel like we have to do it all,whereas I think dads have maybe a different
type of focus or just don't put that pressureon themselves that we do well.
Speaker A (07:42):
And I know, in my experience, that dads are judged so much more lightly than moms
are.
So for me, we have a big family.
We have six kids, especially when they wereyounger, I had four kids that were all, like,
(08:07):
five and under, and I would take them all tothe grocery store, and, I mean, of course it
would be like some of them would be screaming,if not all of them.
God help me, that happens sometimes.
And when I do it, people are giving me dirty
looks, and you should really get a hold ofyour kids.
And why don't you?I actually had someone, when I walked into
(08:30):
Walmart once, tell me that my husband and Ineeded to stop having sex.
So know, like, people feel entitled to saythese things to moms, but my.
Speaker B (08:39):
Husband strangers feel the need anything to you?
Speaker A (08:43):
Which blows my mind, but then my husband goes out.
I kid you not.
He took three of our kids this was a few years
ago three of our kids grocery shopping, andsomeone was like, you're such a great dad.
Here's $50.
Enjoy a night out on me.
Speaker B (08:57):
Wow.
Speaker A (08:58):
And it's like, dads, they do anything.
It's like, oh, my gosh, a dad changed adiaper.
You're so amazing.
But a mom, it's like, oh, you're holding your
baby wrong.
You're formula feeding, or you're
breastfeeding too long, or Why is it your kidwearing socks?
It's like everyone is sitting there ready tonitpick everything we do.
Speaker B (09:17):
Yeah, I feel like you nailed it.
And it's so funny because my mom and she's in
her 70s, so definitely an older she had mysister and I when she was older, but she just
says about my husband and my brother in law,she's just like, oh, they're just such great
(09:38):
dads.
They change diapers.
They do this.
They're so hands on.
And I'm like, I change diapers.
I change way more diapers than they do.
And they are great fathers, my brother in lawand my husband.
But it's just so funny.
To me that it wasn't the norm.
I think back then, I don't know if my dadchanged any of my sister and my diapers, and
(09:59):
he's an awesome father, but I just don't thinkthat was his role back then.
And I think now my husband is just rewardedfor doing little things like that.
Or oh, you're having a girls night and he'shome with the girls.
He's so amazing.
I'm like, well, yeah, they're his kids, too.
He should be home with them.
(10:19):
I'm allowed to go out for a little bit.
It's just funny how times have changed, but Ican totally relate to what you just said
because it's true, and that's why I delivered,because I don't want to deal with that.
Speaker A (10:34):
How about when they say, like, oh, is dad babysitting?
No, he's not babysitting, he's parenting.
Speaker B (10:42):
He's doing the same thing that I do every day.
Yeah, I know, but it's funny the fact thatcomplete strangers feel like they just have
the audacity to say anything to you.
Like, so many times.
I'm out with and I have three daughters, sowhen I do go out with all three of them, I
have people saying, like, oh, three girls,that's so precious.
(11:03):
So are you going to try for that boy?
Speaker A (11:06):
That's so insulting.
Speaker B (11:07):
It is, because for me, I don't have children just to produce a specific gender,
and we're done with three.
We are content with having three children, so
I just say, no, I'm great with three.
I have three beautiful daughters.
They're wonderful.
They're beautiful, they're healthy.
(11:28):
What more do I need right now?So it just blows my mind because I would never
think to go up and say that to somebody asmaking them feel like their family isn't
complete or like, my youngest daughter is amistake in some way because she's not a boy.
And I hate that comment, but I don't have itin me to say something rude, so I just say,
(11:51):
no, we're complete and move on, and they.
Speaker A (11:56):
Will say it right in front of your kids, too.
So it's like, what kind of message are yousending to my children right now?
And then it's like not to say that this issomething I'm not willing to do, because, of
course, we're always, as the mom, wanting tostep up for our kids, but now that's more
stress where it's like, I've got to fix this.
I have to protect my child from what these
(12:16):
rude people are saying.
Speaker B (12:18):
Right? Yeah. It just blows my mind because I would
never think to say that to somebody.
Every family looks different just because you
don't have all boys or all girls mixed in.
It's okay.
I know a lot of people that have three boys.
I know a lot of people that have three girls,
and there's no right or wrong family.
(12:41):
And I don't know, it always rubs me the wrong
way, but I think put on the spot.
I don't know what to say.
And I think that people mean well, it justcomes out wrong.
But my seven year old, she even asked myhusband the one time, she's like, are you
upset that you don't have a boy?And no, he's like, no, I love having old
(13:04):
girls.
Speaker A (13:05):
That's so sad.
Speaker B (13:06):
Yeah, but it's probably because she's heard those comments and she's aware of,
well, there's only girls in our family, and Idon't ever want her to feel like that like
she's a mistake or that our family is wrongbecause we don't have a boy in it.
So, yeah, I just wish people were more mindfulof what they say.
Speaker A (13:31):
Well, and I don't know if it's necessarily that people are more mindful were
more mindful, I should say, in the past, thanthey are now.
But I do think that people in general in thepast were maybe just more aware of the need to
be polite, which I say that because one of theother things I found interesting was that
(13:53):
apparently studies have found that thisgeneration of moms, our generation, we are
more stressed than past generations.
And I don't know if it's literally just the
constant judgment we get all the time, but Ifeel like I can see that I haven't gone and
pulled, like, my mom and my grandmother.
Speaker B (14:14):
Yeah, I see that too.
And I think just because of the media, I
think, has a lot to do with that.
I feel like if you are constantly scrolling or
looking on Facebook or Instagram or this orthat and you compare yourself to other moms I
know I do.
That I've had people who I've just had to
(14:36):
unfollow because I'm, like I can't feel thispressure or feel like I'm doing something
wrong because I didn't make dinner that lookedexactly like their perfect meal looks like, or
that they do every night, or this mom isalways dressed to the nine when she's going
out to pick up her kids.
(14:56):
And I just roll up in sweatpants.
Half the time I'm in pajamas and I'm justpraying, like, please, I really hope that I
don't get in a car accident because then I'dhave to get out of my car.
I'm just hoping that I'm in my pajamas rightnow.
So I think for me, it's just if I'm followingsomebody who I feel like is not helping my
(15:22):
mental state, then I will just unfollow them.
And it took me a lot to realize that that's
all I need to do, because I don't want to becomparing myself.
And I feel like that just adds to stress, atleast for me it does.
But I think that's probably a reason why momstoday are more stressed, because you feel like
you have to have this Pinterest worthy snackout every day when kids get home from school,
(15:47):
or Pinterest worthy dinner ready everyevening.
And that's just not possible.
I mean, if there's moms that do it, great.
Hats off to you.
But I think realistically, it's just not.
Speaker A (16:01):
Well, social media is one of those things where it's like, I have such a love
hate relationship.
I love it.
I love being on it.
I especially love how it enables so many
people to stay in touch.
On my Facebook page, I have everyone from my
grandmother, who was about to be 91 in a fewmonths, to people that were in my husband's
(16:26):
Marine Corps unit.
Like some of the wives that I was friends
with, and they live all over the country now,and that's great.
Being able to keep in touch with so manypeople, that's so wonderful.
But then at the same time, it's, oh, my gosh,you go on Instagram and someone has had this
crazy birthday party with the perfect theme.
(16:49):
Or maybe it's someone that I will see, and
it's like, they've got five kids, but they'reway thinner than I am.
What's wrong with me?Or Why doesn't my birthday cake look that good
when I make it?Or My kids nursery is a wreck.
How is yours?That perfect.
Which this is not on them.
(17:09):
It's on me.
But social media is just this almost, like,toxic thing that it's hard because it's just
inviting comparison, and that's never healthy.
Speaker B (17:23):
Yeah. And it is a love hate.
I feel like there's so many times I'm like, I
just want to delete this.
But then I get so many ideas from it, too.
Like, oh, that's such a great idea, or likeyou said, for the connection of people.
Like, my aunts are on it.
So much of my husband's family, he's a huge
family.
Like, his aunts and uncles are on it.
(17:43):
I know they love seeing our girls.
So, yeah, it's hard, and I feel like I'm
guilty of that.
I love doing themed birthday parties for my
girls.
I just did a bluey themed party for them last
month, and my husband's always like, you justgo over the top.
But I'm not doing it to compare.
I'm doing it because I want to do it for them.
Speaker A (18:04):
Right.
Speaker B (18:05):
Doing it because I'm like, well, I want this birthday party to be better than so
and so, or It's just for me.
I like, planning their birthday parties, but
he's always like, you just go over the top.
And I'm like, yeah, but it's something I like
to do, but I never want someone else to seethat what I planned and think that they have
to do that.
(18:25):
That's not why I post it or do it.
To think this way is the way you should do it.
I just do it because I enjoy it.
Speaker A (18:34):
I don't think anyone does that.
I think that everyone, if they're putting some
incredible birthday party, it's great.
You're not doing anything wrong.
Or someone like a friend of mine from highschool that's got five kids and she looks like
a supermodel or people that have these perfectfamily pictures and it's like everyone's
(19:00):
coordinated and smiled and they look all neat.
But the flip side of that is that no one sees
the other side of it.
Like all the planning that goes into the
birthday party or how much my supermodellooking friend is at the gym, presumably, I'm
assuming, or all the pictures of kids meltingdown.
(19:21):
Like no one puts the bad stuff, you only putthe good stuff.
Speaker B (19:24):
Exactly.
Speaker A (19:25):
But it's hard when it's in your face to take a step back and remember, like,
hey, this is just a snapshot.
It's not someone's complete life.
It's not everything that they do.
And I think it feeds into this notion of us
feeling like we have to be super mom, which,again, it's not on other moms.
(19:48):
It's just kind of this cultural feeling rightnow where we have to do it all.
It's great that moms today are able to have somuch more freedom.
I feel like we do it's so much more acceptedfor a mom to choose for herself, oh, I want to
(20:09):
work outside the home, or I'm going to be astay at home mom, or I am going to do this and
that and that's great.
But then at the same time, there's still all
this judgment where, okay, well, if you stayat home, that house better be perfect and you
better be making these amazing meals andplanning crazy birthday parties or else what
are you doing?
Speaker B (20:28):
When you're at home, then you're going to have that judgment.
If you're not cooking every night because youstay at home, then what are you doing?
I think now it's even harder because I feellike, again, back in maybe not my parents
generation, but grandparents, the wife, themother always stayed at home while the husband
(20:49):
and the father went out and worked.
And now I think a mom, like you said, we can
do so many things.
We can stay at home and work from home, or we
could just work full time, or we can work parttime and we can have all these side gigs and
side things to do.
But then that just adds stress to us.
Back when our grandparents, our grandmothers,stayed at home, they didn't have to worry
(21:15):
about doing anything else.
It was unheard of, well, you're going to do a
little side hustle or you're also going to Iteach online part time.
That would never have been obviously youcouldn't have done that back then.
So I feel like that adds to the stress becausewe have the capability of doing so many things
that it overloads our plate.
(21:37):
And last year I said yes to anything I was
asked to do.
I would just say yes to it because I felt like
I like being busy a, first of all, and then B,I felt like I couldn't say no. I don't like
saying no. So it got to me.
I think I had, like, a breakdown last fall,
(21:59):
and I was almost 20 weeks pregnant, and I waslike, I cannot do all this.
So my New Year's resolution was just to learnhow to say, no, I'm not going to do all of
this.
I'm going to not put so much on my plate.
And if that means some people maybe aren'thappy with me because I'm saying no or I'm not
(22:19):
pleasing everybody, I need to do what's bestfor me and my family, and that's what I did.
And it's been a much better year this year,and I welcomed my third child, so I really
couldn't say yes to everything, too.
But I had to kind of get to that point where I
just couldn't admit to myself, like, I can'tdo it all, and I need to say no. Which is
(22:41):
hard.
Speaker A (22:42):
Yeah, because no one can actually be, like, super mom.
Even though I really do feel like that's thecultural message that we get.
We're supposed to do it all, and we'resupposed to be happy doing it all, but it's an
impossible standard to live up to.
Like, if you work outside the home.
Studies have shown even now, women who workoutside the home are still doing more of the
(23:05):
housework and parenting than dads are.
And that's not to put down dads.
It's just the way it is.
But it's like, you can't do everything.
We can't do everything.
And you're totally right.
You have to be able to say no sometimes.
But I think that moms in general, we have a
hard time with that.
Speaker B (23:23):
Exactly. Yeah. And I have to think of I have three daughters.
I don't want them growing up and rememberingme being stressed or not being happy because I
have so much on my plate.
And I do want them to know that you can I
don't want to say do it all, but that you cando whatever you put your mind to, but not in
(23:45):
the same sense to overload yourself, like, no,listen to your body and know when it's okay to
say, like, okay, enough is enough.
I'm tapped out.
I'm at my point where I just can't do anymore.
So I feel like with having three daughters,
that's something I want to make sure that Iportray to them that, yes, I do stay home, and
(24:07):
I also teach online, but I don't overloadmyself.
I can teach online, but I'm also not teaching20 classes a week.
I teach six classes, and that's enough for meright now where I'm at, because could I teach
20?Sure.
But then I would have no time to do anythingelse.
So it's just a balancing act.
Speaker A (24:32):
I don't know how you were or what kind of experiences you had growing up, but I
know for me, I don't think that we were reallytold a lot that it's okay to say no, and I
don't think that it was intentional.
But one of the things you said where it's
like, oh, that you can do it all, that's whatI grew up with.
(24:54):
But in a way, that's a kind of damagingmindset because you can't do it all.
That's not to say that women cannot workoutside the home and raise a family.
Like, of course they can.
You can do a lot, but you can't do everything.
It's like you have to be able to let somethings go.
And that's not something that I think anyonereally talked about when I was growing up.
(25:18):
It was, I guess, the idea of the strong,empowered woman in the we were it's like,
yeah, you're going to do everything, andyou're going to be awesome at it.
Speaker B (25:33):
Being successful was big for me.
It was growing up, it was, you're going to go
to college, and you're going to get thisamazing job out of school, and you're going to
work full time and somehow have children andget married and do all of that too.
And I did, and I went to college, and I got myteaching certificate.
(25:56):
I got my master's degree before I hadchildren.
But then, now I'm not teaching.
I'm at home and raising my girls because I
knew for me, I couldn't do it all.
I couldn't do both.
I couldn't work full time teaching and try tohave a family, because for me, I felt like
when I was at school all day teaching, I waswith someone else's children, which was great.
(26:22):
I loved my students, but then I wasn't with myown.
So to me, I couldn't wrap my head around that.
And I felt like I'm either going to be an
awesome teacher or I'm going to be an awesomemom, but I can't be awesome at both.
So obviously I picked being a mom.
And not that I'm an awesome mom because
clearly I have my faults, but at least abetter mom than I could have been as a
(26:42):
teacher.
Speaker A (26:43):
At the moment, I think we're allowed to say I'm an awesome mom.
Speaker B (26:46):
Yeah, I shouldn't say, sure, I'm an awesome mom, but I'm not a perfect mom.
How about that?Nobody?
Speaker A (26:54):
And I think that's one of the things that, like, you mentioned when it comes
to how we handle stress, that's, like, as momsespecially, it's so hard, but we have to be
able to take the time to unplug and put ourneeds that's OOH, I feel guilty about that,
like, all the time.
All the time.
Speaker B (27:14):
Yeah, I'm going to Florida in January for my sister's 40th, and I'm already
feeling guilty.
And I'm like, why do I feel guilty?
I never leave my children.
I haven't left them.
But then my husband takes trips.
Like, he goes on golf trips, and he does this
and he does that, and I'm like, if he can go,why can't I go?
Why am I feeling this guilt that I'm sure hedoesn't just but again, I think it's just the
(27:41):
mom mentality.
I guess I don't know that we have is we're
feeling this guilt, and we shouldn't feel thatway.
We're allowed to take trips.
We're allowed to leave our kids for a couple
of days.
They'll survive.
Yeah.
Speaker A (27:53):
My husband had a work trip to Nashville earlier this year, and obviously
while he was know in the evenings and when hehad free time, he was seeing the sights.
And that didn't bother me.
I wasn't upset.
He's telling me, oh, I'm going to such andsuch place, and I'm going to see this.
(28:16):
And it's not like I was mad at him.
So why do I feel like I'm doing something
wrong if I do that, right?
Speaker B (28:22):
I think because we're afraid of the judgment.
We post pictures, we're away celebrating mysister's 40th, and then it's like, oh, aren't
you nursing?Don't you have less than because my daughter
will be less than a year when I go, why aren'tyou home with her?
But we shouldn't feel that way.
(28:44):
It's okay.
It's okay to take those trips.
And I feel like for your children to see that,
too.
I think it's good for them to see mommy, mommy
is going to celebrate Aunt Lauren's birthday,and it's okay for them to just be with just
dad, because then dad gets a taste of what youdo on a daily basis, which is never a bad
(29:05):
thing.
Speaker A (29:08):
Yeah. And I think it's good for kids to see that mom is a person besides just
mom.
Speaker B (29:14):
Yeah.
Speaker A (29:15):
I think that they forget that, and I don't blame them for that.
When I was a teenager, I don't think I had anythought at all of my parents as people beyond
just my parents.
Speaker B (29:27):
Right.
Speaker A (29:30):
But I think that's good for them to see.
Speaker B (29:32):
Yes. To see that you have friends or that you have other things that you do and
have interests in, I think is important forthem to see.
It's funny.
My daughter is seven, and she will always look
at our I have this photo album up in ouroffice of all pictures of before we had her.
She's our oldest, so before we had children,she looks through it, or she'll look at our
(29:56):
wedding album and she'll just study it.
And I think it's because she can't believe
that there was a life before her.
Mommy and Daddy, they went places, they did
this.
And I tell her all the time, jokingly, yes,
Mommy and Daddy had a life before we had youand your sisters.
It wasn't just like, obviously our lifestarted in some way when we had her, but in a
(30:21):
different way.
But we had a life, too.
And I think it's important for her to knowthat and to realize that that we are people
with interests and Hobies and things just likeshe is.
Speaker A (30:36):
What are some ways besides obviously, like going on fun.
Trips because obviously everyone wants to dothat.
What are some ways that you destress just on amore regular day to day basis?
Speaker B (30:50):
Going outside, I feel like especially when the weather is as nice as it
is now before it gets cold.
With the winter months coming up, I try to be
outside taking walks.
I like to read.
It sounds silly, but I like to watch TV.
I feel like I plug in and I don't have to
(31:13):
think about anything.
So even just like watching one show at night
that is just a silly show, doesn't even haveany not something that I have to really be
paying attention to, but it's a good way forme to just unwind after a long day.
Yeah, journaling.
I've started to get into Journaling and I feel
(31:33):
like that really has been helping.
Bought recently.
I just bought three notebooks on Amazon, andthey're all just different colors, but I
bought three because I want to start writingthings to my daughters.
Just things, funny things that they say orjust things that I know that I'm going to
forget.
Like my four year old says, instead of saying
(31:55):
backpack, she says backpack.
And it's just cute when she says it.
I'm like, I'm going to forget that she'ssaying this in another year from now when
she's not saying it.
So I jot it down like, you're four and you say
pack and it's so cute.
So for me, just writing is very therapeutic
for me.
So yeah, I started doing that and writing just
(32:18):
little notes for the girls.
And I know it sounds kind of morbid, but I
lost a friend earlier this year in March andshe was same age as me, and I feel like that
really hit me.
And I'm 35 and she left behind four young
children.
So the thought of just writing things down
(32:39):
too, in case, God forbid, something were tohappen, at least they would have that as a
memory, something recent.
Not to get off track or get morbid or
anything, but that's just kind of why I'vegotten into Journaling recently.
Speaker A (32:56):
Yeah, no, I think that makes total sense.
And I know for me, one thing that has helped alot has been to, I don't want to say lower my
expectations, but maybe be a little morerealistic.
I remember reading something somewhere whereit talked about, whatever you can accomplish
(33:16):
that day, that's enough.
If you don't have the ability to take a full
shower, but all you can do right then is maybewipe your face off and brush your teeth.
Hey, that's okay.
Don't beat yourself up over it.
You did what you can.
And with stress specifically, I know one thing
that gets talked about a lot is, oh, exercise.
(33:37):
And that's so good for lowering your stress
levels.
And it's totally true.
It's not that it's not true.
And I love the idea of working out.
I actually miss going to the gym, but a lot oftimes for me, it feels like, where am I even
going to have the time to do that, right?Me too.
I feel like my days are so full, and before Iknow it, the day is over and I'm so exhausted
(33:58):
that all I want to do is just lay there.
So what I try to do now is kind of temper my
expectations in that, hey, I went for a tenminute walk today.
That's a win, right?I did some yoga on YouTube for 15 minutes, and
I will feel a lot better, even though it's notthis huge thing where I'm sweating all over
(34:26):
the place, but I got to move around a littlebit, and I feel better afterwards.
Speaker B (34:31):
Yeah. And I think that's great.
And I think, like you said about trying to fit
in the gym, well, probably if you did, then goto the gym, you would maybe put even more
stress on yourself because you would say,like, oh, here's this person, and they're
working on a dish machine, and I can't do thatmachine.
At least I mean, I can't speak for you, butthat's how I felt when I used to go to a gym.
I would feel even more stressed.
(34:53):
I'm like, well, this isn't working.
This is supposed to be relieving stress.
And for me, it was adding more because I felt
like I didn't know how to use the certainmachines, or I felt like I would see this
person and I'm like, why don't I look likethat person looks while they're using the same
machine as me?Or am I ever going to look like that?
For me, it added more stress.
(35:17):
For me, working out at home or getting outside
is way better for me than actually going to agym.
Speaker A (35:25):
And I do like going to the gym, just generally speaking.
But it does take me a while to feelcomfortable.
I want to say the first five or six times, I'mfeeling very out of place, and it's like
everyone's watching me, and they're sittingthere thinking, look at that girl.
Why is she even here?And after a little while, I eventually feel
more comfortable, and it's like, yeah, Ibelong here.
(35:46):
I'm okay.
But at first, it takes a while.
Speaker B (35:49):
Definitely. That's why I started then just doing classes, which I do miss.
I do miss the classes.
It felt like they were better for me than just
going into the gym and trying to handle thetrying to figure out how to maneuver the
machines and everything.
So I do miss that aspect of it.
But like you said, it's just trying to findthe time.
And in the season of life that I'm in, I justcan't with a seven four year old and seven
(36:14):
month old, I can't try to fit that in.
Speaker A (36:19):
Yeah. And the thing that I think that is important to remember is, like I said,
if you can't take an hour to work out, you'relooking up all these things.
How do I feel less stressed.
And you will see working out exercise come up
over and over again.
Maybe this is, again, that super mom mentality
(36:39):
where we have to do everything and we have todo it and be amazing at it.
But hey, working out includes just taking aten minute walk a few times a week.
You can take it down a few notches if that'swhat you need to do.
But getting outside, just kind of movingaround a little bit, that'll help your stress
levels too, right?
Speaker B (36:59):
Yeah. And I think just being our own biggest cheerleader just, hey, that's
great.
I got outside for ten minutes and I walked or
I ran a mile, and it was just a mile.
It wasn't 6 miles.
Like so and so is doing.
But that's okay.
I think we're so hard on ourselves, and Ithink that everybody is.
(37:22):
We're our own worst critic.
But I think just celebrating those little
milestones or those little achievements thatwe do, or even if you don't have a journal,
maybe just get a journal and just writesomething.
Just write something positive about yourselfor something positive that you accomplished
that day that could really just build upsomebody's self esteem and confidence in
(37:46):
themselves.
Just writing that down or putting a sticky
note on your mirror like, hey, I ran 1 miletoday, or I'm awesome, or stuff like that.
I think it really helps in the long run.
Yeah.
Speaker A (38:02):
And one thing that I really want to encourage people to do, and I've written about
this for South Central PA mom, is to not beafraid to ask for help if you need it because
oh, gosh, how many years ago now?Five or so.
Four or five years ago.
(38:22):
I finally kind of got up the courage to go to
the doctor and tell them, like, look, I amangry all the time.
I'm stressed all the time.
I don't feel I can control it.
I need help.
That was so hard to do, and it shouldn't be,
but it was.
I felt so much shame over having to say that,
and I was worried by saying, I'm angry.
(38:43):
Mom, are they going to send CPS to my house?
Speaker B (38:46):
Right? Yeah.
Speaker A (38:47):
No, they're not going to.
They're going to say, okay, these are.
Speaker B (38:51):
The thoughts you have.
Speaker A (38:52):
Yeah, that's fine.
Here, we're going to help you.
It's not something you have to be scared of.
And if you are stressed all the time, it's
okay to ask for help.
You should ask for help.
That's what it's there for.
No one's going to judge you.
Speaker B (39:07):
Definitely.
Speaker A (39:08):
I think it was hard for me at the time to realize that, you know what, there's
millions of people out there who have thingslike depression and anxiety.
If you have postpartum depression, there aremillions of moms who have gone through that
same thing, and there's nothing wrong with it.
It's a medical condition.
You have not failed?
Speaker B (39:29):
No, definitely not.
And I was happy to see throughout my last
pregnancy this past year that they're reallymore on top of it, like asking you questions,
having you do those mental health checks andquestionnaires almost at every visit.
They're really checking in on you, followingup more after you have the baby.
(39:51):
Even my daughter's pediatrician was asking me,how are you doing?
How are you feeling?And I don't remember that with my first two.
So I definitely feel like I don't want to sayit's becoming more normal, but I think so many
(40:11):
women are feeling postpartum either anxiety ordepression, and I think that more doctors are
aware of it, so they are taking the means tohelp all those moms, which I think is great.
Speaker A (40:28):
Yeah. And so, overall, I think that these are all good things to keep in mind,
especially during a week that is dedicatedspecifically to understanding what stress can
do and how to manage it.
Yes, moms are stressed, but you don't have to
live that way, right?
Speaker B (40:49):
Reach out.
Connect with loved ones, friends, family,
people that can help you.
It's okay.
It's okay to feel stress and recognize it andget help.
It's okay.
It's okay to not be able to do it all.
Speaker A (41:23):
That's our episode for this week.
New episodes will drop every Monday.
Make sure to subscribe so you never miss out.
Leave us a review and share to help other moms
find us.
Thanks for stopping by.
The Fireflies and Whoopee Pie podcast.
The only podcast by South Central PA moms.
Or South Central PA mom.
Until next time, our.
Hi and welcome to the South Central PA Mom Fireflies and Whoopee Pie podcast,
where we discuss motherhood, local events, andeverything in between right here in South
Central PA.
So sit back, grab a coffee a while, and settle
in for the show.
(00:27):
Today we are going to be talking about
International Stress Awareness Week because Ithink that stress is something that pretty
much all moms are familiar with.
Speaker B (00:37):
Yes, definitely.
Speaker A (00:39):
So the International Stress Management Association created International
Stress Awareness Week to focus on stressmanagement and erase the stigma against stress
and mental health.
Is that something that you feel like you've
dealt with for you as a mom?
Speaker B (00:58):
Definitely. After I had my second daughter back in 2019, I developed pretty
severe postpartum anxiety, which I feel likenow it's definitely much more accepted and
there are a lot of resources for it.
But I feel like even as far back as four years
(01:19):
ago, it wasn't something that I feel like isas prevalent as it is now and then COVID hit.
So I feel like my mental health, I just wasn'tin a great spot mentally with postpartum
anxiety and then COVID hitting.
So definitely as a mom, I've felt it, and it's
(01:41):
still something that I continue to deal withfour years later.
Speaker A (01:46):
Yeah, and I feel like this is something that I struggle with a lot also.
And I totally agree.
I don't think that even growing up before I
was a mom, postpartum depression wasn'tsomething that anyone really talked about.
Speaker B (02:01):
No.
Speaker A (02:05):
I was a kid, so maybe moms were aware of it, but it was not in the cultural
conversation the way it is now.
Speaker B (02:12):
Yes, definitely not.
And I think that looking back, I think that
there were a lot of moms that had some sort ofa postpartum or maybe wasn't even postpartum,
maybe just developing anxiety or a mentalhealth issue while trying to parent.
And I feel like they just kind of swept itunder the rug because it wasn't something like
(02:36):
you said, that was talked about as much as itis now.
And I feel like social media has helped thatand that aspect making it more applicable that
other people are able to touch on it, andyou're also able to connect with others who
(02:58):
might be feeling the same way that you are.
Speaker A (03:01):
Well, and even aside from it being part of the cultural conversation now, I think
that it's more acceptable now for moms to justsay, like, hey, I'm stressed out.
I feel like we have to almost not overexaggerate, but it's not enough for us to just
say, I'm really stressed out, I need a break,because we're supposed to be super mom.
(03:22):
Right, but the truth is that stress can putyou at risk for all of these actual physical
problems, like heart disease and high bloodpressure and strokes and sleep problems.
But if we as a mom were to just say tosomeone, yeah, I'm really stressed out.
I need some help.
I don't think most people would really think
(03:43):
much of it because you're just stressed.
Everyone's stressed.
Right?
Speaker B (03:47):
Right. Yeah. I think it's just how do we manage that stress, and how do we go
forward daily with it?And how do we, with ourselves, tell ourselves
that it's okay, it's okay to be stressed outand it's okay to admit that maybe you do need
some help, whether that's from your spouse orwhether it's from a parent, a friend, a
(04:13):
neighbor, somebody that can help you.
I think for me personally and I don't know
about yourself, it's like, when do I reachthat point where I'm like, okay, I need help.
I'm stressed, I'm at my max, and what can I doto maybe make sure I don't get to that point
where I'm overstressed?What are some coping mechanisms that can help
(04:36):
me?Or what is something that I can do to prevent
myself getting to that point where I am overlystressed?
And not that it's not okay to need help, butthat I'm at the point where I'm like, oh, my
goodness, I'm so stressed, I can't do this orthat I'm yelling at my kids, or I'm so
(04:57):
overloaded, how can I make sure I don't getquite to that breaking point?
Speaker A (05:03):
Yeah. And even just the daily feeling of being stressed all the time.
That's an actual, like, researching this topicfor this week.
That's an actual real disorder, like, calledchronic stress.
And again, it can cause real issues.
And it's one of the things where they talk
(05:25):
about low energy and insomnia and havingtrouble focusing, and it's like, I can relate
to that.
I think every mom can.
And I don't know that I would have reallyconnected it with just, well, I have a lot of
stress, and that is affecting me.
Speaker B (05:43):
Right.
I think it's a lot of things.
I think it's the food that you eat that alsoaffects you.
I think it's like you said, if you're notgetting enough sleep, that can affect it.
I think it's just so many things that tie intofeeling stress.
It might not just be, like you said, a lot onyour plate.
It just might be, well, maybe you're noteating right, or maybe you're not getting
enough sleep, or maybe something is hurtingyou physically, but you're just not paying
(06:09):
attention to it.
So that can also cause stress.
Or maybe you do have high blood pressure, butyou just don't know it.
I have high blood pressure, and I didn't knowit until I went in for my doctor's
appointments when I was pregnant.
I had no idea.
So I think it's just also making sure you'rekeeping up with those regular doctors
appointments and just also tuning into yourbody and not just, I have so much on my plate,
(06:36):
and I'm stressed.
I have too much to do.
I think it all just ties in together.
Speaker A (06:42):
Yeah. And one thing that I saw that I thought was interesting, because this is
definitely how I feel, and seeing it kind ofaffirmed a lot, was a little bit nice, and
that's that moms are more stressed out thandads are, generally speaking.
Do you feel that way?
Speaker B (07:03):
Yeah. I can't speak for my husband himself, but I definitely think that moms are
more stressed or I don't know if it's maybejust females in general.
I think we're just wired differently.
I definitely think that my husband handles
stress better than I do, or at least he justdoesn't show it.
(07:24):
But I definitely do feel like moms yeah, Ithink we put more pressure on ourselves, and I
think we feel like we have to do it all,whereas I think dads have maybe a different
type of focus or just don't put that pressureon themselves that we do well.
Speaker A (07:42):
And I know, in my experience, that dads are judged so much more lightly than moms
are.
So for me, we have a big family.
We have six kids, especially when they wereyounger, I had four kids that were all, like,
(08:07):
five and under, and I would take them all tothe grocery store, and, I mean, of course it
would be like some of them would be screaming,if not all of them.
God help me, that happens sometimes.
And when I do it, people are giving me dirty
looks, and you should really get a hold ofyour kids.
And why don't you?I actually had someone, when I walked into
(08:30):
Walmart once, tell me that my husband and Ineeded to stop having sex.
So know, like, people feel entitled to saythese things to moms, but my.
Speaker B (08:39):
Husband strangers feel the need anything to you?
Speaker A (08:43):
Which blows my mind, but then my husband goes out.
I kid you not.
He took three of our kids this was a few years
ago three of our kids grocery shopping, andsomeone was like, you're such a great dad.
Here's $50.
Enjoy a night out on me.
Speaker B (08:57):
Wow.
Speaker A (08:58):
And it's like, dads, they do anything.
It's like, oh, my gosh, a dad changed adiaper.
You're so amazing.
But a mom, it's like, oh, you're holding your
baby wrong.
You're formula feeding, or you're
breastfeeding too long, or Why is it your kidwearing socks?
It's like everyone is sitting there ready tonitpick everything we do.
Speaker B (09:17):
Yeah, I feel like you nailed it.
And it's so funny because my mom and she's in
her 70s, so definitely an older she had mysister and I when she was older, but she just
says about my husband and my brother in law,she's just like, oh, they're just such great
(09:38):
dads.
They change diapers.
They do this.
They're so hands on.
And I'm like, I change diapers.
I change way more diapers than they do.
And they are great fathers, my brother in lawand my husband.
But it's just so funny.
To me that it wasn't the norm.
I think back then, I don't know if my dadchanged any of my sister and my diapers, and
(09:59):
he's an awesome father, but I just don't thinkthat was his role back then.
And I think now my husband is just rewardedfor doing little things like that.
Or oh, you're having a girls night and he'shome with the girls.
He's so amazing.
I'm like, well, yeah, they're his kids, too.
He should be home with them.
(10:19):
I'm allowed to go out for a little bit.
It's just funny how times have changed, but Ican totally relate to what you just said
because it's true, and that's why I delivered,because I don't want to deal with that.
Speaker A (10:34):
How about when they say, like, oh, is dad babysitting?
No, he's not babysitting, he's parenting.
Speaker B (10:42):
He's doing the same thing that I do every day.
Yeah, I know, but it's funny the fact thatcomplete strangers feel like they just have
the audacity to say anything to you.
Like, so many times.
I'm out with and I have three daughters, sowhen I do go out with all three of them, I
have people saying, like, oh, three girls,that's so precious.
(11:03):
So are you going to try for that boy?
Speaker A (11:06):
That's so insulting.
Speaker B (11:07):
It is, because for me, I don't have children just to produce a specific gender,
and we're done with three.
We are content with having three children, so
I just say, no, I'm great with three.
I have three beautiful daughters.
They're wonderful.
They're beautiful, they're healthy.
(11:28):
What more do I need right now?So it just blows my mind because I would never
think to go up and say that to somebody asmaking them feel like their family isn't
complete or like, my youngest daughter is amistake in some way because she's not a boy.
And I hate that comment, but I don't have itin me to say something rude, so I just say,
(11:51):
no, we're complete and move on, and they.
Speaker A (11:56):
Will say it right in front of your kids, too.
So it's like, what kind of message are yousending to my children right now?
And then it's like not to say that this issomething I'm not willing to do, because, of
course, we're always, as the mom, wanting tostep up for our kids, but now that's more
stress where it's like, I've got to fix this.
I have to protect my child from what these
(12:16):
rude people are saying.
Speaker B (12:18):
Right? Yeah. It just blows my mind because I would
never think to say that to somebody.
Every family looks different just because you
don't have all boys or all girls mixed in.
It's okay.
I know a lot of people that have three boys.
I know a lot of people that have three girls,
and there's no right or wrong family.
(12:41):
And I don't know, it always rubs me the wrong
way, but I think put on the spot.
I don't know what to say.
And I think that people mean well, it justcomes out wrong.
But my seven year old, she even asked myhusband the one time, she's like, are you
upset that you don't have a boy?And no, he's like, no, I love having old
(13:04):
girls.
Speaker A (13:05):
That's so sad.
Speaker B (13:06):
Yeah, but it's probably because she's heard those comments and she's aware of,
well, there's only girls in our family, and Idon't ever want her to feel like that like
she's a mistake or that our family is wrongbecause we don't have a boy in it.
So, yeah, I just wish people were more mindfulof what they say.
Speaker A (13:31):
Well, and I don't know if it's necessarily that people are more mindful were
more mindful, I should say, in the past, thanthey are now.
But I do think that people in general in thepast were maybe just more aware of the need to
be polite, which I say that because one of theother things I found interesting was that
(13:53):
apparently studies have found that thisgeneration of moms, our generation, we are
more stressed than past generations.
And I don't know if it's literally just the
constant judgment we get all the time, but Ifeel like I can see that I haven't gone and
pulled, like, my mom and my grandmother.
Speaker B (14:14):
Yeah, I see that too.
And I think just because of the media, I
think, has a lot to do with that.
I feel like if you are constantly scrolling or
looking on Facebook or Instagram or this orthat and you compare yourself to other moms I
know I do.
That I've had people who I've just had to
(14:36):
unfollow because I'm, like I can't feel thispressure or feel like I'm doing something
wrong because I didn't make dinner that lookedexactly like their perfect meal looks like, or
that they do every night, or this mom isalways dressed to the nine when she's going
out to pick up her kids.
(14:56):
And I just roll up in sweatpants.
Half the time I'm in pajamas and I'm justpraying, like, please, I really hope that I
don't get in a car accident because then I'dhave to get out of my car.
I'm just hoping that I'm in my pajamas rightnow.
So I think for me, it's just if I'm followingsomebody who I feel like is not helping my
(15:22):
mental state, then I will just unfollow them.
And it took me a lot to realize that that's
all I need to do, because I don't want to becomparing myself.
And I feel like that just adds to stress, atleast for me it does.
But I think that's probably a reason why momstoday are more stressed, because you feel like
you have to have this Pinterest worthy snackout every day when kids get home from school,
(15:47):
or Pinterest worthy dinner ready everyevening.
And that's just not possible.
I mean, if there's moms that do it, great.
Hats off to you.
But I think realistically, it's just not.
Speaker A (16:01):
Well, social media is one of those things where it's like, I have such a love
hate relationship.
I love it.
I love being on it.
I especially love how it enables so many
people to stay in touch.
On my Facebook page, I have everyone from my
grandmother, who was about to be 91 in a fewmonths, to people that were in my husband's
(16:26):
Marine Corps unit.
Like some of the wives that I was friends
with, and they live all over the country now,and that's great.
Being able to keep in touch with so manypeople, that's so wonderful.
But then at the same time, it's, oh, my gosh,you go on Instagram and someone has had this
crazy birthday party with the perfect theme.
(16:49):
Or maybe it's someone that I will see, and
it's like, they've got five kids, but they'reway thinner than I am.
What's wrong with me?Or Why doesn't my birthday cake look that good
when I make it?Or My kids nursery is a wreck.
How is yours?That perfect.
Which this is not on them.
(17:09):
It's on me.
But social media is just this almost, like,toxic thing that it's hard because it's just
inviting comparison, and that's never healthy.
Speaker B (17:23):
Yeah. And it is a love hate.
I feel like there's so many times I'm like, I
just want to delete this.
But then I get so many ideas from it, too.
Like, oh, that's such a great idea, or likeyou said, for the connection of people.
Like, my aunts are on it.
So much of my husband's family, he's a huge
family.
Like, his aunts and uncles are on it.
(17:43):
I know they love seeing our girls.
So, yeah, it's hard, and I feel like I'm
guilty of that.
I love doing themed birthday parties for my
girls.
I just did a bluey themed party for them last
month, and my husband's always like, you justgo over the top.
But I'm not doing it to compare.
I'm doing it because I want to do it for them.
Speaker A (18:04):
Right.
Speaker B (18:05):
Doing it because I'm like, well, I want this birthday party to be better than so
and so, or It's just for me.
I like, planning their birthday parties, but
he's always like, you just go over the top.
And I'm like, yeah, but it's something I like
to do, but I never want someone else to seethat what I planned and think that they have
to do that.
(18:25):
That's not why I post it or do it.
To think this way is the way you should do it.
I just do it because I enjoy it.
Speaker A (18:34):
I don't think anyone does that.
I think that everyone, if they're putting some
incredible birthday party, it's great.
You're not doing anything wrong.
Or someone like a friend of mine from highschool that's got five kids and she looks like
a supermodel or people that have these perfectfamily pictures and it's like everyone's
(19:00):
coordinated and smiled and they look all neat.
But the flip side of that is that no one sees
the other side of it.
Like all the planning that goes into the
birthday party or how much my supermodellooking friend is at the gym, presumably, I'm
assuming, or all the pictures of kids meltingdown.
(19:21):
Like no one puts the bad stuff, you only putthe good stuff.
Speaker B (19:24):
Exactly.
Speaker A (19:25):
But it's hard when it's in your face to take a step back and remember, like,
hey, this is just a snapshot.
It's not someone's complete life.
It's not everything that they do.
And I think it feeds into this notion of us
feeling like we have to be super mom, which,again, it's not on other moms.
(19:48):
It's just kind of this cultural feeling rightnow where we have to do it all.
It's great that moms today are able to have somuch more freedom.
I feel like we do it's so much more acceptedfor a mom to choose for herself, oh, I want to
(20:09):
work outside the home, or I'm going to be astay at home mom, or I am going to do this and
that and that's great.
But then at the same time, there's still all
this judgment where, okay, well, if you stayat home, that house better be perfect and you
better be making these amazing meals andplanning crazy birthday parties or else what
are you doing?
Speaker B (20:28):
When you're at home, then you're going to have that judgment.
If you're not cooking every night because youstay at home, then what are you doing?
I think now it's even harder because I feellike, again, back in maybe not my parents
generation, but grandparents, the wife, themother always stayed at home while the husband
(20:49):
and the father went out and worked.
And now I think a mom, like you said, we can
do so many things.
We can stay at home and work from home, or we
could just work full time, or we can work parttime and we can have all these side gigs and
side things to do.
But then that just adds stress to us.
Back when our grandparents, our grandmothers,stayed at home, they didn't have to worry
(21:15):
about doing anything else.
It was unheard of, well, you're going to do a
little side hustle or you're also going to Iteach online part time.
That would never have been obviously youcouldn't have done that back then.
So I feel like that adds to the stress becausewe have the capability of doing so many things
that it overloads our plate.
(21:37):
And last year I said yes to anything I was
asked to do.
I would just say yes to it because I felt like
I like being busy a, first of all, and then B,I felt like I couldn't say no. I don't like
saying no. So it got to me.
I think I had, like, a breakdown last fall,
(21:59):
and I was almost 20 weeks pregnant, and I waslike, I cannot do all this.
So my New Year's resolution was just to learnhow to say, no, I'm not going to do all of
this.
I'm going to not put so much on my plate.
And if that means some people maybe aren'thappy with me because I'm saying no or I'm not
(22:19):
pleasing everybody, I need to do what's bestfor me and my family, and that's what I did.
And it's been a much better year this year,and I welcomed my third child, so I really
couldn't say yes to everything, too.
But I had to kind of get to that point where I
just couldn't admit to myself, like, I can'tdo it all, and I need to say no. Which is
(22:41):
hard.
Speaker A (22:42):
Yeah, because no one can actually be, like, super mom.
Even though I really do feel like that's thecultural message that we get.
We're supposed to do it all, and we'resupposed to be happy doing it all, but it's an
impossible standard to live up to.
Like, if you work outside the home.
Studies have shown even now, women who workoutside the home are still doing more of the
(23:05):
housework and parenting than dads are.
And that's not to put down dads.
It's just the way it is.
But it's like, you can't do everything.
We can't do everything.
And you're totally right.
You have to be able to say no sometimes.
But I think that moms in general, we have a
hard time with that.
Speaker B (23:23):
Exactly. Yeah. And I have to think of I have three daughters.
I don't want them growing up and rememberingme being stressed or not being happy because I
have so much on my plate.
And I do want them to know that you can I
don't want to say do it all, but that you cando whatever you put your mind to, but not in
(23:45):
the same sense to overload yourself, like, no,listen to your body and know when it's okay to
say, like, okay, enough is enough.
I'm tapped out.
I'm at my point where I just can't do anymore.
So I feel like with having three daughters,
that's something I want to make sure that Iportray to them that, yes, I do stay home, and
(24:07):
I also teach online, but I don't overloadmyself.
I can teach online, but I'm also not teaching20 classes a week.
I teach six classes, and that's enough for meright now where I'm at, because could I teach
20?Sure.
But then I would have no time to do anythingelse.
So it's just a balancing act.
Speaker A (24:32):
I don't know how you were or what kind of experiences you had growing up, but I
know for me, I don't think that we were reallytold a lot that it's okay to say no, and I
don't think that it was intentional.
But one of the things you said where it's
like, oh, that you can do it all, that's whatI grew up with.
(24:54):
But in a way, that's a kind of damagingmindset because you can't do it all.
That's not to say that women cannot workoutside the home and raise a family.
Like, of course they can.
You can do a lot, but you can't do everything.
It's like you have to be able to let somethings go.
And that's not something that I think anyonereally talked about when I was growing up.
(25:18):
It was, I guess, the idea of the strong,empowered woman in the we were it's like,
yeah, you're going to do everything, andyou're going to be awesome at it.
Speaker B (25:33):
Being successful was big for me.
It was growing up, it was, you're going to go
to college, and you're going to get thisamazing job out of school, and you're going to
work full time and somehow have children andget married and do all of that too.
And I did, and I went to college, and I got myteaching certificate.
(25:56):
I got my master's degree before I hadchildren.
But then, now I'm not teaching.
I'm at home and raising my girls because I
knew for me, I couldn't do it all.
I couldn't do both.
I couldn't work full time teaching and try tohave a family, because for me, I felt like
when I was at school all day teaching, I waswith someone else's children, which was great.
(26:22):
I loved my students, but then I wasn't with myown.
So to me, I couldn't wrap my head around that.
And I felt like I'm either going to be an
awesome teacher or I'm going to be an awesomemom, but I can't be awesome at both.
So obviously I picked being a mom.
And not that I'm an awesome mom because
clearly I have my faults, but at least abetter mom than I could have been as a
(26:42):
teacher.
Speaker A (26:43):
At the moment, I think we're allowed to say I'm an awesome mom.
Speaker B (26:46):
Yeah, I shouldn't say, sure, I'm an awesome mom, but I'm not a perfect mom.
How about that?Nobody?
Speaker A (26:54):
And I think that's one of the things that, like, you mentioned when it comes
to how we handle stress, that's, like, as momsespecially, it's so hard, but we have to be
able to take the time to unplug and put ourneeds that's OOH, I feel guilty about that,
like, all the time.
All the time.
Speaker B (27:14):
Yeah, I'm going to Florida in January for my sister's 40th, and I'm already
feeling guilty.
And I'm like, why do I feel guilty?
I never leave my children.
I haven't left them.
But then my husband takes trips.
Like, he goes on golf trips, and he does this
and he does that, and I'm like, if he can go,why can't I go?
Why am I feeling this guilt that I'm sure hedoesn't just but again, I think it's just the
(27:41):
mom mentality.
I guess I don't know that we have is we're
feeling this guilt, and we shouldn't feel thatway.
We're allowed to take trips.
We're allowed to leave our kids for a couple
of days.
They'll survive.
Yeah.
Speaker A (27:53):
My husband had a work trip to Nashville earlier this year, and obviously
while he was know in the evenings and when hehad free time, he was seeing the sights.
And that didn't bother me.
I wasn't upset.
He's telling me, oh, I'm going to such andsuch place, and I'm going to see this.
(28:16):
And it's not like I was mad at him.
So why do I feel like I'm doing something
wrong if I do that, right?
Speaker B (28:22):
I think because we're afraid of the judgment.
We post pictures, we're away celebrating mysister's 40th, and then it's like, oh, aren't
you nursing?Don't you have less than because my daughter
will be less than a year when I go, why aren'tyou home with her?
But we shouldn't feel that way.
(28:44):
It's okay.
It's okay to take those trips.
And I feel like for your children to see that,
too.
I think it's good for them to see mommy, mommy
is going to celebrate Aunt Lauren's birthday,and it's okay for them to just be with just
dad, because then dad gets a taste of what youdo on a daily basis, which is never a bad
(29:05):
thing.
Speaker A (29:08):
Yeah. And I think it's good for kids to see that mom is a person besides just
mom.
Speaker B (29:14):
Yeah.
Speaker A (29:15):
I think that they forget that, and I don't blame them for that.
When I was a teenager, I don't think I had anythought at all of my parents as people beyond
just my parents.
Speaker B (29:27):
Right.
Speaker A (29:30):
But I think that's good for them to see.
Speaker B (29:32):
Yes. To see that you have friends or that you have other things that you do and
have interests in, I think is important forthem to see.
It's funny.
My daughter is seven, and she will always look
at our I have this photo album up in ouroffice of all pictures of before we had her.
She's our oldest, so before we had children,she looks through it, or she'll look at our
(29:56):
wedding album and she'll just study it.
And I think it's because she can't believe
that there was a life before her.
Mommy and Daddy, they went places, they did
this.
And I tell her all the time, jokingly, yes,
Mommy and Daddy had a life before we had youand your sisters.
It wasn't just like, obviously our lifestarted in some way when we had her, but in a
(30:21):
different way.
But we had a life, too.
And I think it's important for her to knowthat and to realize that that we are people
with interests and Hobies and things just likeshe is.
Speaker A (30:36):
What are some ways besides obviously, like going on fun.
Trips because obviously everyone wants to dothat.
What are some ways that you destress just on amore regular day to day basis?
Speaker B (30:50):
Going outside, I feel like especially when the weather is as nice as it
is now before it gets cold.
With the winter months coming up, I try to be
outside taking walks.
I like to read.
It sounds silly, but I like to watch TV.
I feel like I plug in and I don't have to
(31:13):
think about anything.
So even just like watching one show at night
that is just a silly show, doesn't even haveany not something that I have to really be
paying attention to, but it's a good way forme to just unwind after a long day.
Yeah, journaling.
I've started to get into Journaling and I feel
(31:33):
like that really has been helping.
Bought recently.
I just bought three notebooks on Amazon, andthey're all just different colors, but I
bought three because I want to start writingthings to my daughters.
Just things, funny things that they say orjust things that I know that I'm going to
forget.
Like my four year old says, instead of saying
(31:55):
backpack, she says backpack.
And it's just cute when she says it.
I'm like, I'm going to forget that she'ssaying this in another year from now when
she's not saying it.
So I jot it down like, you're four and you say
pack and it's so cute.
So for me, just writing is very therapeutic
for me.
So yeah, I started doing that and writing just
(32:18):
little notes for the girls.
And I know it sounds kind of morbid, but I
lost a friend earlier this year in March andshe was same age as me, and I feel like that
really hit me.
And I'm 35 and she left behind four young
children.
So the thought of just writing things down
(32:39):
too, in case, God forbid, something were tohappen, at least they would have that as a
memory, something recent.
Not to get off track or get morbid or
anything, but that's just kind of why I'vegotten into Journaling recently.
Speaker A (32:56):
Yeah, no, I think that makes total sense.
And I know for me, one thing that has helped alot has been to, I don't want to say lower my
expectations, but maybe be a little morerealistic.
I remember reading something somewhere whereit talked about, whatever you can accomplish
(33:16):
that day, that's enough.
If you don't have the ability to take a full
shower, but all you can do right then is maybewipe your face off and brush your teeth.
Hey, that's okay.
Don't beat yourself up over it.
You did what you can.
And with stress specifically, I know one thing
that gets talked about a lot is, oh, exercise.
(33:37):
And that's so good for lowering your stress
levels.
And it's totally true.
It's not that it's not true.
And I love the idea of working out.
I actually miss going to the gym, but a lot oftimes for me, it feels like, where am I even
going to have the time to do that, right?Me too.
I feel like my days are so full, and before Iknow it, the day is over and I'm so exhausted
(33:58):
that all I want to do is just lay there.
So what I try to do now is kind of temper my
expectations in that, hey, I went for a tenminute walk today.
That's a win, right?I did some yoga on YouTube for 15 minutes, and
I will feel a lot better, even though it's notthis huge thing where I'm sweating all over
(34:26):
the place, but I got to move around a littlebit, and I feel better afterwards.
Speaker B (34:31):
Yeah. And I think that's great.
And I think, like you said about trying to fit
in the gym, well, probably if you did, then goto the gym, you would maybe put even more
stress on yourself because you would say,like, oh, here's this person, and they're
working on a dish machine, and I can't do thatmachine.
At least I mean, I can't speak for you, butthat's how I felt when I used to go to a gym.
I would feel even more stressed.
(34:53):
I'm like, well, this isn't working.
This is supposed to be relieving stress.
And for me, it was adding more because I felt
like I didn't know how to use the certainmachines, or I felt like I would see this
person and I'm like, why don't I look likethat person looks while they're using the same
machine as me?Or am I ever going to look like that?
For me, it added more stress.
(35:17):
For me, working out at home or getting outside
is way better for me than actually going to agym.
Speaker A (35:25):
And I do like going to the gym, just generally speaking.
But it does take me a while to feelcomfortable.
I want to say the first five or six times, I'mfeeling very out of place, and it's like
everyone's watching me, and they're sittingthere thinking, look at that girl.
Why is she even here?And after a little while, I eventually feel
more comfortable, and it's like, yeah, Ibelong here.
(35:46):
I'm okay.
But at first, it takes a while.
Speaker B (35:49):
Definitely. That's why I started then just doing classes, which I do miss.
I do miss the classes.
It felt like they were better for me than just
going into the gym and trying to handle thetrying to figure out how to maneuver the
machines and everything.
So I do miss that aspect of it.
But like you said, it's just trying to findthe time.
And in the season of life that I'm in, I justcan't with a seven four year old and seven
(36:14):
month old, I can't try to fit that in.
Speaker A (36:19):
Yeah. And the thing that I think that is important to remember is, like I said,
if you can't take an hour to work out, you'relooking up all these things.
How do I feel less stressed.
And you will see working out exercise come up
over and over again.
Maybe this is, again, that super mom mentality
(36:39):
where we have to do everything and we have todo it and be amazing at it.
But hey, working out includes just taking aten minute walk a few times a week.
You can take it down a few notches if that'swhat you need to do.
But getting outside, just kind of movingaround a little bit, that'll help your stress
levels too, right?
Speaker B (36:59):
Yeah. And I think just being our own biggest cheerleader just, hey, that's
great.
I got outside for ten minutes and I walked or
I ran a mile, and it was just a mile.
It wasn't 6 miles.
Like so and so is doing.
But that's okay.
I think we're so hard on ourselves, and Ithink that everybody is.
(37:22):
We're our own worst critic.
But I think just celebrating those little
milestones or those little achievements thatwe do, or even if you don't have a journal,
maybe just get a journal and just writesomething.
Just write something positive about yourselfor something positive that you accomplished
that day that could really just build upsomebody's self esteem and confidence in
(37:46):
themselves.
Just writing that down or putting a sticky
note on your mirror like, hey, I ran 1 miletoday, or I'm awesome, or stuff like that.
I think it really helps in the long run.
Yeah.
Speaker A (38:02):
And one thing that I really want to encourage people to do, and I've written about
this for South Central PA mom, is to not beafraid to ask for help if you need it because
oh, gosh, how many years ago now?Five or so.
Four or five years ago.
(38:22):
I finally kind of got up the courage to go to
the doctor and tell them, like, look, I amangry all the time.
I'm stressed all the time.
I don't feel I can control it.
I need help.
That was so hard to do, and it shouldn't be,
but it was.
I felt so much shame over having to say that,
and I was worried by saying, I'm angry.
(38:43):
Mom, are they going to send CPS to my house?
Speaker B (38:46):
Right? Yeah.
Speaker A (38:47):
No, they're not going to.
They're going to say, okay, these are.
Speaker B (38:51):
The thoughts you have.
Speaker A (38:52):
Yeah, that's fine.
Here, we're going to help you.
It's not something you have to be scared of.
And if you are stressed all the time, it's
okay to ask for help.
You should ask for help.
That's what it's there for.
No one's going to judge you.
Speaker B (39:07):
Definitely.
Speaker A (39:08):
I think it was hard for me at the time to realize that, you know what, there's
millions of people out there who have thingslike depression and anxiety.
If you have postpartum depression, there aremillions of moms who have gone through that
same thing, and there's nothing wrong with it.
It's a medical condition.
You have not failed?
Speaker B (39:29):
No, definitely not.
And I was happy to see throughout my last
pregnancy this past year that they're reallymore on top of it, like asking you questions,
having you do those mental health checks andquestionnaires almost at every visit.
They're really checking in on you, followingup more after you have the baby.
(39:51):
Even my daughter's pediatrician was asking me,how are you doing?
How are you feeling?And I don't remember that with my first two.
So I definitely feel like I don't want to sayit's becoming more normal, but I think so many
(40:11):
women are feeling postpartum either anxiety ordepression, and I think that more doctors are
aware of it, so they are taking the means tohelp all those moms, which I think is great.
Speaker A (40:28):
Yeah. And so, overall, I think that these are all good things to keep in mind,
especially during a week that is dedicatedspecifically to understanding what stress can
do and how to manage it.
Yes, moms are stressed, but you don't have to
live that way, right?
Speaker B (40:49):
Reach out.
Connect with loved ones, friends, family,
people that can help you.
It's okay.
It's okay to feel stress and recognize it andget help.
It's okay.
It's okay to not be able to do it all.
Speaker A (41:23):
That's our episode for this week.
New episodes will drop every Monday.
Make sure to subscribe so you never miss out.
Leave us a review and share to help other moms
find us.
Thanks for stopping by.
The Fireflies and Whoopee Pie podcast.
The only podcast by South Central PA moms.
Or South Central PA mom.
Until next time, our.
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Nikki Glaser Podcast
Every week comedian and infamous roaster Nikki Glaser provides a fun, fast-paced, and brutally honest look into current pop-culture and her own personal life.