May 14, 2023 • 33 mins
An unexpected discovery gives Gareth a clue on where to start their quest to find the Lost Island of Mascal. After a midnight raid to “borrow” some needed equipment from the University, our heroes set off to charter an airship for their journey. An ex-lover of Tralnis’ throws a kink in their plan, and not the fun kind.
** Gareth and the Lost Island should be considered PG-13 for discussions of sexual hijinks, drinking, consuming questionable potions, brief moments of violence, crude language, and even cruder humor. Characters in this show run the gambit of the gender and sexuality spectrums. **
For more information about the show, see our website at www.garethmintel.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
[VDM logo music]Quack-Quak-Hiss
(00:07):
Venomous Duck Media Presents Gareth and the Lost Island
Episode 3 – The Journey Begins
Disclaimer (00:19):
This audio drama should be considered rated PG-13
for discussions of sexual hijinks, drinking,consuming questionable potions,
brief moments of violence, crude language, and even cruder humor.
Please use caution when listening in public,
(00:40):
as this story may cause audible laughter.
Venomous Duck Media is not liable for any strained abdominal muscles
you may receive while listening, or the strange looks you
might get from other commuters.
If laughter persists for more than four hours, seek immediate medical attention.
(01:01):
[Theme]
GARETH (01:26):
Thanks for coming with me to clean out my office.
Just so you know, I’m sorry fordragging you two into this.
It’s not fair that you gotbanished with me.
TRALNIS (01:35):
When I signed the guardianship papers for you at the orphanage,
I promised that I would look after you, no matter what.
You’re my son, Gareth, and Dwarves take care of their own!
[Henry affirmative hoots]GARETH: Thanks, both of you
That really means a lot to me.TRALNIS: Look at it this way.
We weren’t sacked, we were just put on indefinite sabbatical.
(01:58):
Soon we’ll be off on a grand adventure,or a Frentgween as we Dwarves call it.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (02:03):
A what?
GARETH (02:05):
As you know, the Dwarves have a unique way of looking at things.
Going on a Frentgween means traveling to faraway places,
meeting new people, and then having lots of sex with them.
[Henry sighs]GARETH: Here’s my office
Let me go first so I can turn on the Aetherium lights
so you don’t trip over anything.[opens door, magic lights powering on]
HENRY (02:28):
[low, long hoot] TRALNIS
I’m pretty sure I know what you mean,and I have to say I agree completely.
Gods of rock, ore, and ale, Gareth… how do you manage to find anything in this mess?
GARETH (02:45):
My filing system may not look like much to you,
but I know where everything is.
TRALNIS (02:50):
All right, prove it.
What’s in the second box from the top in the stack over there?
GARETH (02:57):
That box contains a collection of Issian works
that were halfway between a book and a newspaper.
Unlike the newspapers we have today, which are published daily,
those were only published once a month.
TRALNIS (03:09):
All right, let's find out. [ rummaging around in box]
Hum, what's this? [thumbing through magazine]
I like how this center bit unfolds into
something large enough to hang on a wall.
I especially like the nude woman depicted on it, even if she is an elf.
(03:35):
I’m just going to borrow this to… uh… study later.
GARETH (03:42):
[chuckles] Henry, do you mind holding this worthless tablet
while I empty what I can from my desk into my satchel?
[several ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Sure
Thanks. [Henry mutters to himself]
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (03:57):
Gareth, come here!
This looks just like the tattoo on your ass.
GARETH (04:02):
Calm down, Henry. I do have two questions for you.
The first one is... what are you talking about
saying the tablet has a rune that looks just like the one I have tattooed on my butt?
The tablet is just covered in nonsense scribbles.
The second question is how did you know I have a tattoo on my
(04:24):
butt in the first place? I’ve never shown it to you.
TRALNIS (04:27):
Lad, pretty much the whole campus knows you have a
a tattoo on your butt of a rune in that weird language you spoke and read
when you washed up on the shores of the IRD.
GARETH (04:38):
What? How...why?
TRALNIS (04:41):
What do you remember from the party we threw
when you got your Language Mastership?
GARETH (04:47):
I remember there were quite a few of my students, lots of drinking,
and, well, that’s about it actually.
TRALNIS (04:55):
Once you were well into your cups, you somehow got it into your head
that it would be a great ideato streak nude across the campus.
Henry and I chased you from building to building while you quoted
obscure poetry in several different languages.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (05:12):
Look across the tablet, rather than directly at it.
GARETH (05:17):
Look across the tablet, rather than directly at it?
That doesn’t make any sen… wait, you’re right,
a different image does show up when I tilt it away from eyes.
I wonder if there is something like that on the back side of the tablet.
Um… okay… that is absolutely the last thing
(05:39):
I would have expected to be written on an ancient clay tablet.
TRALNIS (05:43):
What does it say? [smashes tablet on desk]
[Henry yelp of surprise]TRALNIS: What the hells, Gareth?!
GARETH (05:48):
Sorry, the runes on the back side were instructions that said
‘Break to Open.’
TRALNIS (05:54):
Looks like there was a metal tablet hidden inside the clay one.
GARETH (05:58):
At least this one is covered in runes I can see
without tilting it in funny directions.
TRALNIS (06:03):
Don’t keep us in suspense, Gareth. What does it say?
GARETH (06:07):
It doesn’t actually say anything or at least not in a way I understand.
The runes are just groups of numbers with the occasional letter thrown in.
What’s really irritating is that I can vaguely remember
seeing something similar to this, buthaven’t the foggiest idea as to where.
TRALNIS (06:25):
Well, while you’re trying to jog your memory,
I’m going to go look through that box again.
I’m definitely interested in seeing what was in that Issian periodical
with the teal skinned man on the front.
GARETH (06:39):
That would be a male Kraun. Their skin would turn blue
when they would go into their bi-weekly fertility cycle.
Wait, that’s it! That’s where I’ve seen it.
TRALNIS (06:48):
The sequence is a fertility cycle?
GARETH (06:51):
Not a fertility cycle, but it was Kraunish.
Henry, I need you to climb on up to the top of that bookcase over there
in the corner and grab whatever maps you can find.
Tralnis, I need you to help me get to the bottom box of this stack.
TRALNIS (07:05):
Easy. [boxes crashing over]
GARETH (07:10):
Tralnis!
TRALNIS (07:11):
Oh, come on, it’s not like you’re the one
who will have to clean the mess up.
GARETH (07:17):
Good point. We’re looking for a book bound in light brown
leather with a Kraunish star and circle on the front.
TRALNIS (07:25):
This one?
GARETH (07:26):
Yeah, that’s the one. Now to clear my desk Tralnis style.
[desk items falling to floor]
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (07:32):
Here are the only maps I could find.
GARETH (07:36):
Thanks, Henry. OK, we need this map, and that one.
They’re both maps of Hadronus, just 13,000 apart.
Unroll the first one, while I look up how the Kraunish wrote down map coordinates.
[scroll opening][pages flipping]
They’re definitely map coordinates.
Now that we know what the first set of runes means,
(07:59):
I think I have an idea of what the second sequence means as well.
TRALNIS (08:02):
Are those even in the same language?
The characters look totally different.
GARETH (08:08):
That’s because the second set is written in Issian.
There’s a chart near the back of this book
that helps translate between Issian and Kraunish map data.
[page flipping]
They match up perfectly. OK, now we’re getting somewhere
And that somewhere is right here…a small town on the coast
of the Northern Continent. And that is going to be a problem.
TRALNIS (08:32):
Why? All we need to do is charter an airship
and we’ll be there in a week, maybe two.
GARETH (08:39):
This map was made before the Second Great Apocalypse.
During that Apocalypse, one of the ancient races released weapons
that caused tremendousearthquakes across Hadronus.
[scroll opening]
This map is only a few years old.
And this is what thatcoastline looks like now.
That town is nearly 50 milesout into the ocean.
TRALNIS (09:04):
A great big bloody ocean…
why did the town have to be in the middle of tons and tons of liquid death?!
GARETH (09:12):
Are you ok, Tralnis?
TRALNIS (09:14):
One of the things Dwarves are most scared of is drowning
when a cave suddenly fills up with water. Large bodies of water scare us silly.
GARETH (09:24):
Tralnis, you live on an island in the middle of the Narrow Sea.
TRALNIS (09:29):
Yes, and you’ve not
once seen me at the beach the whole time we’ve known each other.
GARETH (09:36):
Alright, since Chims can’t swim, I’ll just have to make the dive myself..
TRALNIS (09:42):
No, you better make it two suits.
I’ll not let my son go into a watery hell
full of darkness and death alone.
While we’re on the subject, any ideas where to find a pair of diving suits?
It’s not like we can ask the Dean
to loan us some from the School of Nautical Sciences.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (10:01):
We just won’t ask him then.
It’s much easier that way.
TRALNIS (10:05):
What did he say?
GARETH (10:07):
He said we just won’t ask before we take them.
It’s easier that way.
[scene change music]
TRALNIS (10:18):
Where’s Henry?
I thought he was going to meet us here at the townhome.
GARETH (10:23):
He said he would meet us in the park near the Sea Labs.
TRALNIS (10:26):
[sigh] I went and bought this trench coat for him.
I knew Henry hates pants,
and it was the only thing I could think of that would cover his orange fur.
We’ll be awfully exposed on the walk there
and I would feel better if we could all hide in the shadows if we need to.
Our teaching jackets are dark enough,
(10:47):
but his orange fur would really draw attention to us.
GARETH (10:51):
[chuckles] Leave it.
I promise you’ll be impressed with what he comes up with instead.
TRALNIS (10:56):
I hope you’re right. Since we don't have to wait, let’s be off.
[door opens, door shuts, footsteps]
GARETH (11:09):
With the weather as nice as it is, that was a really pleasant walk.
It feels like it took no time at all.
TRALNIS (11:15):
We’re at the park when and where you said we were to meet Henry,
we were to meet Henry, and no sign of my butler.
You would think that with the watch I got him for his last birthday,
the blasted Chim could show up on time.
[Gareth trying not to laugh]
Just let it out, Gareth,
you’re liable to rupture something if you don’t.
GARETH (11:34):
[laughing] Look over there in that tree.
TRALNIS (11:39):
Yes, it’s a tree. I don’t see what’s so funny about it.
GARETH (11:45):
Get closer, you’ll see it eventually.
TRALNIS (11:49):
Fine. [leaves rustling]
Um, Gareth, part of that tree is moving,
and there’s no wind tonight.
GARETH (11:58):
Even closer, Tralnis.
[leaves rustling louder]TRALNIS: What...is...that?
That would be a Chim’s ass, shaking rhythmically at you
I thought as a doctor you would be able to identify one when you saw it.
[Henry landing] [growls]
TRALNIS (12:18):
Ahhh! Wait… Henry?!
You almost made me shite my drawers.
With you covered head to toe in mud and leaves
with only your eyes and teeth showing, you look like some sort of forest monster
or an elf who doesn’t shave their pubes.
Now that I’m not afraid of my heart jumping out my throat,
(12:40):
I’ll have to say you were right, Gareth. I am impressed.
GARETH (12:44):
For as long as they can remember,
Henry’s family have been the hunters of their Clan
and they were responsible for feeding a whole village.
Over the centuries, his family learned that ambushing their prey was
much easier than chasing after it. Even after they immigrated to the IRD,
Henry’s parents taught him how to camouflage himself in case he needed to do something without being seen.
TRALNIS (13:06):
Now that we’re all here, what next?
GARETH (13:10):
We have to somehow get past that wall over there,
make it across the grounds of the School of Nautical Sciences without being seen,
and break into the equipment shack.
[walking through park]
This part of the wall is sunk down a bit so it’s only 6 feet tall,
so it’s our best bet for climbing over.
(13:31):
Tralnis, I’ll bend down and make a stirrup with my hands.
Once you put your foot there,
I’ll stand up quickly and try to get you as close to the top of the wall as I can.
TRALNIS (13:40):
Right. On the count of three, then?
GARETH (13:44):
Sure.
TRALNIS (13:45):
One… two… three.
[Tralnis runs, Gareth grunts with effort, smack against wall]
OOOF! If evolution had wanted Dwarves to do this,
it would have given us wings, or least longer legs.
There, that’s one over and now for the second one.
(14:08):
Whoa… [loud thump landing in bush]
Ouch… son of a… you have got to be kidding me…
GARETH (14:15):
Sounds like Tralnis made it over without too much damage.
All right, now it's my turn. Henry, trade places with me.
[Henry grunts in agreement]GARETH: Okay, same as Tralnis.
One, two, three.
[Gareth runs, Henry grunts with effort,]GARETH: Whoa! Too much oomph, Henry!
And, here I go right past thetop of the wall.
(14:37):
This is going to hurt when I land.
[loud thump with squish]GARETH: Yep, I was right, lots of pain.
TRALNIS (14:45):
Ohhhh... that looks like it hurt.
It also smells something awful.
What is it with you and getting horse shite on your jacket lately?
GARETH (14:55):
At least I didn’t fall into a Velcronum bush.
Those flower petals are going to be hells to get off your clothes.
Help me up, please. I don’t want Henry to land on me.
TRALNIS (15:06):
Here. [cricket chirping]
Shouldn’t Henry have come over that wall by now?
GARETH (15:12):
Yeah, I wonder what-- [gate opens and shuts]
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (15:20):
Hi guys!
Hope you don’t mind, but I thought I would take the easier route.
GARETH (15:24):
Let’s agree to never speak of this again.
TRALNIS (15:29):
My lips are sealed.
GARETH (15:31):
Come on, let's hurry over to the main building
so we aren’t so exposed on the lawn.
[running]
GUARD 1 (15:40):
(humming to self) Huh?
What are you three doing skulking around here late at night?
(sniffs air) On second thought, don’t tell me.
As far as I’m concerned, I saw nothing.
GUARD 2 (15:57):
Did you find what was making all of that noise?
GUARD 1 (16:02):
Yeah just a Human and a Dwarf dressed in filthy teaching jackets
with a Chim covered head to toe in mud.
I’d think they were up to no good if the Dwarf wasn’t covered in flowers
with the human covered in what smells like horse shit.
They must have some kind of nature fetish.
GUARD 2 (16:19):
Do you want to hang around and watch?
GUARD 1 (16:22):
Nah. The last time we watched a Dwarf led ménage a Trois,
I was distracted for a week trying to figure out how they managed
to get into some of the positions they did.
All though, thinking back to that week does give me some ideas.
Let’s give these blokes some privacy,
and head back to the guard shack for some quality time for ourselves.
Guard 2 (16:42):
I thought you would never ask.
[guards footsteps recede]
GARETH (16:48):
What just happened?
TRALNIS (16:52):
I’ll let you know once I've figured it out myself.
Did that guard really leave?
GARETH:I think so. Let me go peek my head around the corner of the building.
Yep, I saw two of them and they were both headed back to the guard shack.
(sigh of relief) That was way too close.
GARETH (17:11):
Henry, my original plan
was just to break the lock on the equipment shack
but I have a better idea now. What doyou think about using those trees
for cover over there and go get the keys for us.
I’m pretty sure those gents will befairly distracted for a while.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (17:28):
Sure
[Henry running, leaves rustling]
TRALNIS (17:37):
How long do you think it will take him to steal the keys?
GARETH (17:41):
Knowing Henry like I do, I would say not long at all.
[keys rattling, Henry landing]
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (17:48):
Got them.
GARETH (17:49):
Great job, Henry. Off to the equipment shack, Gentlemen.
We have some thievery to get to.
[ocean sounds]
TRALNIS (18:00):
Unless you want to see a grown Dwarf shite himself in fear
over being so close to the sea, I would suggest you put a wiggle in it, Gareth.
GARETH (18:10):
Last key on the ring, it has to be this one.
[lock and door open, Tralnis running]GARETH: Oof! Hey!
TRALNIS (18:19):
(sigh of relief) Thanks be to blessed, thick stone walls.
GARETH (18:24):
Henry, would you mind closing the door while Tralnis and I
try to find what we need for a deep-water dive?
HENRY (18:30):
[affirmative grunt] [door shutting]
TRALNIS (18:32):
For the record, I haven’t the foggiest idea of what you’re looking for.
GARETH (18:37):
The deep-water suits you’re looking for are made of oiled leather,
rubber, and brass. There should be matchinghelmets made of brass and glass
with a fitting for an air hose on top stored relatively close to the suits.
While you look for those, I’ll see if I can find a pair of RBT.
TRALNIS (18:56):
What are RBT?
[crate opening, pulling out tube]
GARETH (19:01):
These things - Runic Breathing Tubes. RBT.
They’re silver tubes engraved with runes that transfigure water into air
and then back again when you exhale.
They’re good for diving down to around 40 meters or so.
Any deeper than that, and we’ll need one of the suits with an air hose attached.
TRALNIS (19:21):
Wouldn't it make more sense to just attach one of those tubes
instead of having to rely on an air hose to keep you alive.
One less point of failure is one less opportunity for the ocean to snuff you out like a candle.
GARETH (19:37):
I asked my dive instructor the same thing. He said
that they sometimes have to dive off the coasts of countries
run by some of the more conservative religions.
Finding any mechanical item paired with something magical
is an instant death sentence in those bastions of stupidity.
They go so far as to make sure that the two different types of diving equipment
(19:59):
are transported in separate crates.
I was told some places are so strict,
that if the Wizarding Religious Police
see the same person using both types of equipment,
the offender is flogged in public.
TRALNIS (20:13):
That’s one of the things that has frustrated me my entire life.
I hate how the religious zealots
get away with blocking people from using common sense.
So, are we going to worry about religious inspections,
or are we packing all the stuff in one crate?
GARETH (20:31):
One crate of course.
Henry, grab that box of adapterrings over there
so we can hook the rune tubes to the suits.
That way we won’t have to steal an air pump as well.
While you two load the suits and helmets we’re “borrowing”
into one of those wheelbarrows over there,
barrows over there, I need to seeif I can remember where the Dive Master
keeps the experimental stuff.
(20:52):
If she still has what I’m looking for,
it will make things even safer for us on a deep-water dive.
[scene change music]
[horse carriage noises]GARETH: Well, Horse,
it looks like we’re almost to the airship port.
I really want to thank youfor being such a great listener
(21:12):
ever since we left University City, since both Henry and Tralnis
fell asleep almost as soon as we passed through the city gates.
Although, I can’t say that I blame either one.
Tralnis can’t stay awake in a moving carriage for longer than 20 minutes,
and Henry looked like he hadn’t slept a wink last night.
I'd feel really guilty keeping Henry awake
since I’m pretty sure he stayed up all night looking after me
(21:35):
[horse neighs]GARETH: Yeah , I agree completely.
Well, actually I have no idea what you said
but it seems rude to not respond when spoken to.
Now back to Henry. I could hardly fail to notice
that my teaching jacket was spotless this morning
despite our little adventure last night.
I can’t decide if I would rather it be because Henry
(21:58):
stayed up all night cleaning it, or set out to steal
another jacket from that scumbag politics instructor.
[Horse neighs again]GARETH: You’re right, I’m being silly,
it should be the stealing from the politician thing.
Sorry to cut this short, but it looks like we’re here.
Whoa.[carriage stops, horse chuffs]
Excuse me sir,
(22:18):
can you tell me where I can park this wagon
and then where I can hire an airship?
AIRSHIP PORT GUARD (22:23):
Stupid ground pounders.
(slowly, as if speaking to a child) You park your wagon over there
where all of the other wagons are parked,
in the obvious parking lot,
marked with the large sign that reads wagon parking.
Hiring an airship will need to be done in that big building,
with all of the people coming and going out of it
GARETH (22:46):
Thank you.
AIRSHIP PORT GUARD (22:48):
Of course, to do that,
you’ll need to stop your wagon, and climb off it.
Then you’ll have to walk over to the building.
GARETH (22:56):
Thanks...
AIRSHIP PORT GUARD: Once you reach the door to the building, (22:58):
undefined
you’ll have to open it beforeyou can go inside.
Trying to walk through a closed door
will only leave you with a sore nose.
GARETH (23:08):
Yeah, I get it. [carriage moves again]
AIRSHIP PORT GUARD (23:11):
(fading out) After you get the door open,
you’ll have to walk inside by placing one foot in front of the other.
GARETH (23:18):
Whoa! [horse chuffs, carriage stops]
[seat squeak]GARETH: Wake up you two, we’re here.
TRALNIS (23:28):
What bloody luck, my dream was just getting good.
I was out on a date with rather handsome Roehus
whose red skin really set off his cheek and forehead ridges.
What made it even better was that instead of their normal head quills,
his head was covered in di---
GARETH (23:47):
Too much information there again, Tralnis.
TRALNIS (23:49):
Fine, help me down then instead. Oof.
No, Henry. I need you to stay her and keep an eye
on our luggage and equipment.
There is no doubt in my mind that if we leave the wagon unattended,
the whole thing would mysteriously vanish before we could walk 20 paces.
[metal drawing][ape noises] TRANSLATOR: No problem
(24:10):
me and Mr. Smashy will play a rousing game of
slap a bitch if anyone comes near the wagon.
That’s a good lad. Lead on, Gareth.
GARETH (24:19):
Do you think Henry will be alright guarding the wagon?
TRALNIS (24:21):
Considering Chims look more than a
little bit mentally unhinged when snarling,
and he’s giving that large cast iron skillet
of his some impressive practice swings,
yes, I think he’ll be just fine.
GARETH (24:36):
Yeah, I see what you mean.
TRALNIS (24:38):
You’ve been on expeditions before.
How do we go about hiring an airship?
GARETH (24:44):
I have no idea. Professor Rand always took care of the details.
Personally, I think she just used the opportunity
as another excuse to get out of teaching in a classroom.
The only thing I remember hersaying was that she wished there was a
better than dealing with the shipping guild.
TRALNIS (25:00):
Well, at least it can’t be nearly as bad
as dealing with the Dean and Nut-less.
[door opens, loud overlapping voices]
Then again, I could be wrong.
Imaginary Friends in the Sky, it sounds like a herd of cattle in here.
GARETH (25:15):
What?! I can’t hear you.
Wow, is it just me,
or do you feel like we’re in the middle of a herd of cattle?
TRALNIS (25:24):
What?! I can’t hear what you’re saying.
GARETH (25:27):
What? Oh, never mind,
I think I see the Shipping Guild booth on the far wall.
Follow me.
TRALNIS (25:34):
Huh? I have no idea what you mean by a
‘flipping tooth over a tar fall.’
What are you doing? Wait up, Gareth.
[crowd noise lessens]TRALNIS: Thank goodness
the acoustics of this room make it not as loud
as it was in the entryway, right Gareth?
Gareth? Now where did he get off to?
(25:55):
Oh, there he is. (chuckle)Let’s see,
dazed eyes and a goofy grin. I’m pretty sure I know what distracted him.
So, Gareth, whose arse are we ogling?
GARETH (26:08):
What?
TRALNIS (26:09):
I said, whose arse are we ogling?
GARETH (26:14):
Sorry I got distracted.
A beautiful woman with bright red hair walked by a few stalls over.
While some people might call her chubby, or even fat,
I'd argue that she has great curves in all of the right places.
And, I wasn’t ogling her ‘arse’,no matter how cute it looked.
Like you taught me, a gentleman in the Granitestaff household never ogles,
(26:39):
they simply stare in appreciation of the beauty displayed.
TRALNIS (26:43):
It makes me proud to know I raised you right.
Now hurry, it looks like there’s a break in the foot traffic
just ahead that will put us closeto the Shipping Guild booth.
Slithering Salamander Shite! Gareth, hold up!
Quick, get behind thistrading company booth!
GARETH (27:03):
What’s going on?
TRALNIS (27:04):
Remember when I said I didn’t think this would be worse
than dealing with the Dean and Nut-Lice?
GARETH (27:09):
Yeah.
Well, I’m a short enough person
to admit when I’m wrong…very, very wrong.
I think you better be the one doing the talking here.
Do you know the Dwarf running the Shipping Guild booth
I don’t recognize them, and I’m sure I would remember seeing
anyone with a beard more impressive than yours.
TRALNIS (27:29):
She’s an ex-girlfriend, and things didn’t end well between us.
GARETH (27:35):
Hold on a tick, did you just say ex-girlfriend?
I thought you were always kidding when you said female
Dwarves had beards as well.
TRALNIS (27:46):
Now you know why all Dwarves are at the bare minimum
bisexual. When both sexes look the same,
the soonest you find out if your date is a man or woman is
when the clothes come off.
GARETH (27:59):
That makes sense, I suppose.
Alright, so I don’t go into a situation blind,
why don’t you tell me why you two broke up?
TRALNIS (28:07):
She caught me in bed with her brother.
GARETH (28:11):
You know, I really wish that I could say that surprises me, but I can’t.
You’re right, I should do the talking.
Um… excuse me, sir… I mean ma’am. I--
BREGGA (28:28):
Tralnis… I thought I had seen the last
of your two-timing, despicable carcass.
TRALNIS (28:33):
Bregga, you’re looking well.
BREGGA (28:37):
You, human! What do you want?
You better not be wasting my time.
wasting my time. You already have one strike against you showing up with him.
GARETH (28:51):
We… I mean, I was hoping you could tell us how
we go about chartering an airship.
BREGGA (28:58):
Gods below and above, save me from stupid ground pounders!
Write down your name, where you are wanting to go,
how many are in your party, and what type of cargo you have, if any.
At the bottom of the form, write down the most you are willing to pay.
(29:18):
If it looks like a good deal,
more than one ship might be interested in it,
and it’s possible you can get the price to come down in a bidding war.
When you’re done filling out the form, give it to me
and I’ll post it on the job board.
GARETH (29:31):
Thank you Ma’am, definitely a ma’am,
no confusion whatsoever on my part,
and may I say what a handsome… er, I mean beautiful beard you have.
Judging by your glare
I should just shut up now an fill out the form like you told me to
[pencil scratching]GARETH: Here you go---
BREGGA (29:58):
Give me that! Now let’s see…
oh, this is just perfect!
Good luck finding a captain willing to piss off Deek Nutleiss,
one of the biggest merchants in the IRD.
You and that worthless brother buggerer better be
(30:19):
good swimmers if you want to get off this island
anytime in the next several decades.
Magnate Nutleiss made it clear that any captain doing business with you
would never do business with him,or any of his partners, ever again.
Now leave me be, and take that pile of dragon shit,
(30:40):
Granitestaff, with you. I’m taking my lunch break early.
[blind closes]
GARETH (30:47):
That could have gone better.
TRALNIS (30:49):
Actually, I thought it went rather well.
Last time Bregga and I met,
I ended up needing several stitches after she shot me in the arse with a crossbow.
Believe me when I tell you that trying to stitch up your
own arse using a mirror is a stone bitch.
GARETH (31:06):
She tried to kill you?!
TRALNIS (31:07):
No, not at all.
Bregga can put out the eye of a cave viper from 50 paces.
She just wanted to make sure I would have a permanent
reminder of our relationship.
Not that I’m worried, or anything,
but would you mind standing between me and Bregga’s booth?
IZZY (31:25):
Sorry to eavesdrop, but are you two wanting to hire an airship?
GARETH (31:28):
Oh wow! You are even prettier up close
with your green eyes, pale skin, freckles,
and cute oil smudge at the tip of your nose.
And I just said all of that out loud, didn’t I?
IZZY (31:45):
Yep. At least now I don’t have to worry about that old adage
that says all of the really cute ones are either married, gay,
undead, or any combination of the above.
TRALNIS (31:55):
I’m Doctor Tralnis Granitestaff,
and this normally eloquent lad is my son, Professor Gareth Mintel.
Yes, we are looking to hire an airship.
IZZY (32:06):
I'm Isadora Morgana,
the engineer, and part owner of the Glorious Dawn.
My friends call me Izzy.
GARETH (32:13):
Even though I’m about to die of embarrassment,
I’d like to say that it’s a pleasure to meet you, Izzy.
I would be honored if you would call me Gareth.
Once you get to know the good doctor here,
I’m sure he would appreciate you calling him Tralnis
instead of the other less pleasantnames I’m sure you’ll come up with.
To answer your other question, yes.
(32:33):
We need to hire an airship for an undetermined amount of time
for an archaeology expedition.
Aside from us, we have a third member of our party,
and a small wagon load ofsupplies and equipment.
IZZY (32:44):
Provided that you don’t mind if we load up on other cargo
and Tralnis would be willing to offer his services
free of charge to the crew, I think we can make a deal.
[outro music]
This has been Gareth and the Lost Island. Episode 3
Starring (33:06):
Peter McGiffen as the Narrator and Henry’s translator
Allen Pettey as Tralnis Granitestaff
Patrick Mallard as Gareth Mintel
Derek Fein as University Guard 1
Alex Vancil as University Guard 2
(33:28):
Jeff Vestergaard as Airship Port Guard
Justine Leah Hince as Bregga
andDebra Mallard as Izzy Morgana
Any resemblance between the Airship Port Guard and the
TSA is purely intentional on the part of the writer.
(33:50):
Gareth and the Lost Island was written and directed by Patrick Mallard.
[VDM logo music]Quack-Quak-Hiss
(00:07):
Venomous Duck Media Presents Gareth and the Lost Island
Episode 3 – The Journey Begins
Disclaimer (00:19):
This audio drama should be considered rated PG-13
for discussions of sexual hijinks, drinking,consuming questionable potions,
brief moments of violence, crude language, and even cruder humor.
Please use caution when listening in public,
(00:40):
as this story may cause audible laughter.
Venomous Duck Media is not liable for any strained abdominal muscles
you may receive while listening, or the strange looks you
might get from other commuters.
If laughter persists for more than four hours, seek immediate medical attention.
(01:01):
[Theme]
GARETH (01:26):
Thanks for coming with me to clean out my office.
Just so you know, I’m sorry fordragging you two into this.
It’s not fair that you gotbanished with me.
TRALNIS (01:35):
When I signed the guardianship papers for you at the orphanage,
I promised that I would look after you, no matter what.
You’re my son, Gareth, and Dwarves take care of their own!
[Henry affirmative hoots]GARETH: Thanks, both of you
That really means a lot to me.TRALNIS: Look at it this way.
We weren’t sacked, we were just put on indefinite sabbatical.
(01:58):
Soon we’ll be off on a grand adventure,or a Frentgween as we Dwarves call it.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (02:03):
A what?
GARETH (02:05):
As you know, the Dwarves have a unique way of looking at things.
Going on a Frentgween means traveling to faraway places,
meeting new people, and then having lots of sex with them.
[Henry sighs]GARETH: Here’s my office
Let me go first so I can turn on the Aetherium lights
so you don’t trip over anything.[opens door, magic lights powering on]
HENRY (02:28):
[low, long hoot] TRALNIS
I’m pretty sure I know what you mean,and I have to say I agree completely.
Gods of rock, ore, and ale, Gareth… how do you manage to find anything in this mess?
GARETH (02:45):
My filing system may not look like much to you,
but I know where everything is.
TRALNIS (02:50):
All right, prove it.
What’s in the second box from the top in the stack over there?
GARETH (02:57):
That box contains a collection of Issian works
that were halfway between a book and a newspaper.
Unlike the newspapers we have today, which are published daily,
those were only published once a month.
TRALNIS (03:09):
All right, let's find out. [ rummaging around in box]
Hum, what's this? [thumbing through magazine]
I like how this center bit unfolds into
something large enough to hang on a wall.
I especially like the nude woman depicted on it, even if she is an elf.
(03:35):
I’m just going to borrow this to… uh… study later.
GARETH (03:42):
[chuckles] Henry, do you mind holding this worthless tablet
while I empty what I can from my desk into my satchel?
[several ape noises] TRANSLATOR: Sure
Thanks. [Henry mutters to himself]
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (03:57):
Gareth, come here!
This looks just like the tattoo on your ass.
GARETH (04:02):
Calm down, Henry. I do have two questions for you.
The first one is... what are you talking about
saying the tablet has a rune that looks just like the one I have tattooed on my butt?
The tablet is just covered in nonsense scribbles.
The second question is how did you know I have a tattoo on my
(04:24):
butt in the first place? I’ve never shown it to you.
TRALNIS (04:27):
Lad, pretty much the whole campus knows you have a
a tattoo on your butt of a rune in that weird language you spoke and read
when you washed up on the shores of the IRD.
GARETH (04:38):
What? How...why?
TRALNIS (04:41):
What do you remember from the party we threw
when you got your Language Mastership?
GARETH (04:47):
I remember there were quite a few of my students, lots of drinking,
and, well, that’s about it actually.
TRALNIS (04:55):
Once you were well into your cups, you somehow got it into your head
that it would be a great ideato streak nude across the campus.
Henry and I chased you from building to building while you quoted
obscure poetry in several different languages.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (05:12):
Look across the tablet, rather than directly at it.
GARETH (05:17):
Look across the tablet, rather than directly at it?
That doesn’t make any sen… wait, you’re right,
a different image does show up when I tilt it away from eyes.
I wonder if there is something like that on the back side of the tablet.
Um… okay… that is absolutely the last thing
(05:39):
I would have expected to be written on an ancient clay tablet.
TRALNIS (05:43):
What does it say? [smashes tablet on desk]
[Henry yelp of surprise]TRALNIS: What the hells, Gareth?!
GARETH (05:48):
Sorry, the runes on the back side were instructions that said
‘Break to Open.’
TRALNIS (05:54):
Looks like there was a metal tablet hidden inside the clay one.
GARETH (05:58):
At least this one is covered in runes I can see
without tilting it in funny directions.
TRALNIS (06:03):
Don’t keep us in suspense, Gareth. What does it say?
GARETH (06:07):
It doesn’t actually say anything or at least not in a way I understand.
The runes are just groups of numbers with the occasional letter thrown in.
What’s really irritating is that I can vaguely remember
seeing something similar to this, buthaven’t the foggiest idea as to where.
TRALNIS (06:25):
Well, while you’re trying to jog your memory,
I’m going to go look through that box again.
I’m definitely interested in seeing what was in that Issian periodical
with the teal skinned man on the front.
GARETH (06:39):
That would be a male Kraun. Their skin would turn blue
when they would go into their bi-weekly fertility cycle.
Wait, that’s it! That’s where I’ve seen it.
TRALNIS (06:48):
The sequence is a fertility cycle?
GARETH (06:51):
Not a fertility cycle, but it was Kraunish.
Henry, I need you to climb on up to the top of that bookcase over there
in the corner and grab whatever maps you can find.
Tralnis, I need you to help me get to the bottom box of this stack.
TRALNIS (07:05):
Easy. [boxes crashing over]
GARETH (07:10):
Tralnis!
TRALNIS (07:11):
Oh, come on, it’s not like you’re the one
who will have to clean the mess up.
GARETH (07:17):
Good point. We’re looking for a book bound in light brown
leather with a Kraunish star and circle on the front.
TRALNIS (07:25):
This one?
GARETH (07:26):
Yeah, that’s the one. Now to clear my desk Tralnis style.
[desk items falling to floor]
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (07:32):
Here are the only maps I could find.
GARETH (07:36):
Thanks, Henry. OK, we need this map, and that one.
They’re both maps of Hadronus, just 13,000 apart.
Unroll the first one, while I look up how the Kraunish wrote down map coordinates.
[scroll opening][pages flipping]
They’re definitely map coordinates.
Now that we know what the first set of runes means,
(07:59):
I think I have an idea of what the second sequence means as well.
TRALNIS (08:02):
Are those even in the same language?
The characters look totally different.
GARETH (08:08):
That’s because the second set is written in Issian.
There’s a chart near the back of this book
that helps translate between Issian and Kraunish map data.
[page flipping]
They match up perfectly. OK, now we’re getting somewhere
And that somewhere is right here…a small town on the coast
of the Northern Continent. And that is going to be a problem.
TRALNIS (08:32):
Why? All we need to do is charter an airship
and we’ll be there in a week, maybe two.
GARETH (08:39):
This map was made before the Second Great Apocalypse.
During that Apocalypse, one of the ancient races released weapons
that caused tremendousearthquakes across Hadronus.
[scroll opening]
This map is only a few years old.
And this is what thatcoastline looks like now.
That town is nearly 50 milesout into the ocean.
TRALNIS (09:04):
A great big bloody ocean…
why did the town have to be in the middle of tons and tons of liquid death?!
GARETH (09:12):
Are you ok, Tralnis?
TRALNIS (09:14):
One of the things Dwarves are most scared of is drowning
when a cave suddenly fills up with water. Large bodies of water scare us silly.
GARETH (09:24):
Tralnis, you live on an island in the middle of the Narrow Sea.
TRALNIS (09:29):
Yes, and you’ve not
once seen me at the beach the whole time we’ve known each other.
GARETH (09:36):
Alright, since Chims can’t swim, I’ll just have to make the dive myself..
TRALNIS (09:42):
No, you better make it two suits.
I’ll not let my son go into a watery hell
full of darkness and death alone.
While we’re on the subject, any ideas where to find a pair of diving suits?
It’s not like we can ask the Dean
to loan us some from the School of Nautical Sciences.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (10:01):
We just won’t ask him then.
It’s much easier that way.
TRALNIS (10:05):
What did he say?
GARETH (10:07):
He said we just won’t ask before we take them.
It’s easier that way.
[scene change music]
TRALNIS (10:18):
Where’s Henry?
I thought he was going to meet us here at the townhome.
GARETH (10:23):
He said he would meet us in the park near the Sea Labs.
TRALNIS (10:26):
[sigh] I went and bought this trench coat for him.
I knew Henry hates pants,
and it was the only thing I could think of that would cover his orange fur.
We’ll be awfully exposed on the walk there
and I would feel better if we could all hide in the shadows if we need to.
Our teaching jackets are dark enough,
(10:47):
but his orange fur would really draw attention to us.
GARETH (10:51):
[chuckles] Leave it.
I promise you’ll be impressed with what he comes up with instead.
TRALNIS (10:56):
I hope you’re right. Since we don't have to wait, let’s be off.
[door opens, door shuts, footsteps]
GARETH (11:09):
With the weather as nice as it is, that was a really pleasant walk.
It feels like it took no time at all.
TRALNIS (11:15):
We’re at the park when and where you said we were to meet Henry,
we were to meet Henry, and no sign of my butler.
You would think that with the watch I got him for his last birthday,
the blasted Chim could show up on time.
[Gareth trying not to laugh]
Just let it out, Gareth,
you’re liable to rupture something if you don’t.
GARETH (11:34):
[laughing] Look over there in that tree.
TRALNIS (11:39):
Yes, it’s a tree. I don’t see what’s so funny about it.
GARETH (11:45):
Get closer, you’ll see it eventually.
TRALNIS (11:49):
Fine. [leaves rustling]
Um, Gareth, part of that tree is moving,
and there’s no wind tonight.
GARETH (11:58):
Even closer, Tralnis.
[leaves rustling louder]TRALNIS: What...is...that?
That would be a Chim’s ass, shaking rhythmically at you
I thought as a doctor you would be able to identify one when you saw it.
[Henry landing] [growls]
TRALNIS (12:18):
Ahhh! Wait… Henry?!
You almost made me shite my drawers.
With you covered head to toe in mud and leaves
with only your eyes and teeth showing, you look like some sort of forest monster
or an elf who doesn’t shave their pubes.
Now that I’m not afraid of my heart jumping out my throat,
(12:40):
I’ll have to say you were right, Gareth. I am impressed.
GARETH (12:44):
For as long as they can remember,
Henry’s family have been the hunters of their Clan
and they were responsible for feeding a whole village.
Over the centuries, his family learned that ambushing their prey was
much easier than chasing after it. Even after they immigrated to the IRD,
Henry’s parents taught him how to camouflage himself in case he needed to do something without being seen.
TRALNIS (13:06):
Now that we’re all here, what next?
GARETH (13:10):
We have to somehow get past that wall over there,
make it across the grounds of the School of Nautical Sciences without being seen,
and break into the equipment shack.
[walking through park]
This part of the wall is sunk down a bit so it’s only 6 feet tall,
so it’s our best bet for climbing over.
(13:31):
Tralnis, I’ll bend down and make a stirrup with my hands.
Once you put your foot there,
I’ll stand up quickly and try to get you as close to the top of the wall as I can.
TRALNIS (13:40):
Right. On the count of three, then?
GARETH (13:44):
Sure.
TRALNIS (13:45):
One… two… three.
[Tralnis runs, Gareth grunts with effort, smack against wall]
OOOF! If evolution had wanted Dwarves to do this,
it would have given us wings, or least longer legs.
There, that’s one over and now for the second one.
(14:08):
Whoa… [loud thump landing in bush]
Ouch… son of a… you have got to be kidding me…
GARETH (14:15):
Sounds like Tralnis made it over without too much damage.
All right, now it's my turn. Henry, trade places with me.
[Henry grunts in agreement]GARETH: Okay, same as Tralnis.
One, two, three.
[Gareth runs, Henry grunts with effort,]GARETH: Whoa! Too much oomph, Henry!
And, here I go right past thetop of the wall.
(14:37):
This is going to hurt when I land.
[loud thump with squish]GARETH: Yep, I was right, lots of pain.
TRALNIS (14:45):
Ohhhh... that looks like it hurt.
It also smells something awful.
What is it with you and getting horse shite on your jacket lately?
GARETH (14:55):
At least I didn’t fall into a Velcronum bush.
Those flower petals are going to be hells to get off your clothes.
Help me up, please. I don’t want Henry to land on me.
TRALNIS (15:06):
Here. [cricket chirping]
Shouldn’t Henry have come over that wall by now?
GARETH (15:12):
Yeah, I wonder what-- [gate opens and shuts]
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (15:20):
Hi guys!
Hope you don’t mind, but I thought I would take the easier route.
GARETH (15:24):
Let’s agree to never speak of this again.
TRALNIS (15:29):
My lips are sealed.
GARETH (15:31):
Come on, let's hurry over to the main building
so we aren’t so exposed on the lawn.
[running]
GUARD 1 (15:40):
(humming to self) Huh?
What are you three doing skulking around here late at night?
(sniffs air) On second thought, don’t tell me.
As far as I’m concerned, I saw nothing.
GUARD 2 (15:57):
Did you find what was making all of that noise?
GUARD 1 (16:02):
Yeah just a Human and a Dwarf dressed in filthy teaching jackets
with a Chim covered head to toe in mud.
I’d think they were up to no good if the Dwarf wasn’t covered in flowers
with the human covered in what smells like horse shit.
They must have some kind of nature fetish.
GUARD 2 (16:19):
Do you want to hang around and watch?
GUARD 1 (16:22):
Nah. The last time we watched a Dwarf led ménage a Trois,
I was distracted for a week trying to figure out how they managed
to get into some of the positions they did.
All though, thinking back to that week does give me some ideas.
Let’s give these blokes some privacy,
and head back to the guard shack for some quality time for ourselves.
Guard 2 (16:42):
I thought you would never ask.
[guards footsteps recede]
GARETH (16:48):
What just happened?
TRALNIS (16:52):
I’ll let you know once I've figured it out myself.
Did that guard really leave?
GARETH:I think so. Let me go peek my head around the corner of the building.
Yep, I saw two of them and they were both headed back to the guard shack.
(sigh of relief) That was way too close.
GARETH (17:11):
Henry, my original plan
was just to break the lock on the equipment shack
but I have a better idea now. What doyou think about using those trees
for cover over there and go get the keys for us.
I’m pretty sure those gents will befairly distracted for a while.
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (17:28):
Sure
[Henry running, leaves rustling]
TRALNIS (17:37):
How long do you think it will take him to steal the keys?
GARETH (17:41):
Knowing Henry like I do, I would say not long at all.
[keys rattling, Henry landing]
[ape noises] TRANSLATOR (17:48):
Got them.
GARETH (17:49):
Great job, Henry. Off to the equipment shack, Gentlemen.
We have some thievery to get to.
[ocean sounds]
TRALNIS (18:00):
Unless you want to see a grown Dwarf shite himself in fear
over being so close to the sea, I would suggest you put a wiggle in it, Gareth.
GARETH (18:10):
Last key on the ring, it has to be this one.
[lock and door open, Tralnis running]GARETH: Oof! Hey!
TRALNIS (18:19):
(sigh of relief) Thanks be to blessed, thick stone walls.
GARETH (18:24):
Henry, would you mind closing the door while Tralnis and I
try to find what we need for a deep-water dive?
HENRY (18:30):
[affirmative grunt] [door shutting]
TRALNIS (18:32):
For the record, I haven’t the foggiest idea of what you’re looking for.
GARETH (18:37):
The deep-water suits you’re looking for are made of oiled leather,
rubber, and brass. There should be matchinghelmets made of brass and glass
with a fitting for an air hose on top stored relatively close to the suits.
While you look for those, I’ll see if I can find a pair of RBT.
TRALNIS (18:56):
What are RBT?
[crate opening, pulling out tube]
GARETH (19:01):
These things - Runic Breathing Tubes. RBT.
They’re silver tubes engraved with runes that transfigure water into air
and then back again when you exhale.
They’re good for diving down to around 40 meters or so.
Any deeper than that, and we’ll need one of the suits with an air hose attached.
TRALNIS (19:21):
Wouldn't it make more sense to just attach one of those tubes
instead of having to rely on an air hose to keep you alive.
One less point of failure is one less opportunity for the ocean to snuff you out like a candle.
GARETH (19:37):
I asked my dive instructor the same thing. He said
that they sometimes have to dive off the coasts of countries
run by some of the more conservative religions.
Finding any mechanical item paired with something magical
is an instant death sentence in those bastions of stupidity.
They go so far as to make sure that the two different types of diving equipment
(19:59):
are transported in separate crates.
I was told some places are so strict,
that if the Wizarding Religious Police
see the same person using both types of equipment,
the offender is flogged in public.
TRALNIS (20:13):
That’s one of the things that has frustrated me my entire life.
I hate how the religious zealots
get away with blocking people from using common sense.
So, are we going to worry about religious inspections,
or are we packing all the stuff in one crate?
GARETH (20:31):
One crate of course.
Henry, grab that box of adapterrings over there
so we can hook the rune tubes to the suits.
That way we won’t have to steal an air pump as well.
While you two load the suits and helmets we’re “borrowing”
into one of those wheelbarrows over there,
barrows over there, I need to seeif I can remember where the Dive Master
keeps the experimental stuff.
(20:52):
If she still has what I’m looking for,
it will make things even safer for us on a deep-water dive.
[scene change music]
[horse carriage noises]GARETH: Well, Horse,
it looks like we’re almost to the airship port.
I really want to thank youfor being such a great listener
(21:12):
ever since we left University City, since both Henry and Tralnis
fell asleep almost as soon as we passed through the city gates.
Although, I can’t say that I blame either one.
Tralnis can’t stay awake in a moving carriage for longer than 20 minutes,
and Henry looked like he hadn’t slept a wink last night.
I'd feel really guilty keeping Henry awake
since I’m pretty sure he stayed up all night looking after me
(21:35):
[horse neighs]GARETH: Yeah , I agree completely.
Well, actually I have no idea what you said
but it seems rude to not respond when spoken to.
Now back to Henry. I could hardly fail to notice
that my teaching jacket was spotless this morning
despite our little adventure last night.
I can’t decide if I would rather it be because Henry
(21:58):
stayed up all night cleaning it, or set out to steal
another jacket from that scumbag politics instructor.
[Horse neighs again]GARETH: You’re right, I’m being silly,
it should be the stealing from the politician thing.
Sorry to cut this short, but it looks like we’re here.
Whoa.[carriage stops, horse chuffs]
Excuse me sir,
(22:18):
can you tell me where I can park this wagon
and then where I can hire an airship?
AIRSHIP PORT GUARD (22:23):
Stupid ground pounders.
(slowly, as if speaking to a child) You park your wagon over there
where all of the other wagons are parked,
in the obvious parking lot,
marked with the large sign that reads wagon parking.
Hiring an airship will need to be done in that big building,
with all of the people coming and going out of it
GARETH (22:46):
Thank you.
AIRSHIP PORT GUARD (22:48):
Of course, to do that,
you’ll need to stop your wagon, and climb off it.
Then you’ll have to walk over to the building.
GARETH (22:56):
Thanks...
AIRSHIP PORT GUARD: Once you reach the door to the building, (22:58):
undefined
you’ll have to open it beforeyou can go inside.
Trying to walk through a closed door
will only leave you with a sore nose.
GARETH (23:08):
Yeah, I get it. [carriage moves again]
AIRSHIP PORT GUARD (23:11):
(fading out) After you get the door open,
you’ll have to walk inside by placing one foot in front of the other.
GARETH (23:18):
Whoa! [horse chuffs, carriage stops]
[seat squeak]GARETH: Wake up you two, we’re here.
TRALNIS (23:28):
What bloody luck, my dream was just getting good.
I was out on a date with rather handsome Roehus
whose red skin really set off his cheek and forehead ridges.
What made it even better was that instead of their normal head quills,
his head was covered in di---
GARETH (23:47):
Too much information there again, Tralnis.
TRALNIS (23:49):
Fine, help me down then instead. Oof.
No, Henry. I need you to stay her and keep an eye
on our luggage and equipment.
There is no doubt in my mind that if we leave the wagon unattended,
the whole thing would mysteriously vanish before we could walk 20 paces.
[metal drawing][ape noises] TRANSLATOR: No problem
(24:10):
me and Mr. Smashy will play a rousing game of
slap a bitch if anyone comes near the wagon.
That’s a good lad. Lead on, Gareth.
GARETH (24:19):
Do you think Henry will be alright guarding the wagon?
TRALNIS (24:21):
Considering Chims look more than a
little bit mentally unhinged when snarling,
and he’s giving that large cast iron skillet
of his some impressive practice swings,
yes, I think he’ll be just fine.
GARETH (24:36):
Yeah, I see what you mean.
TRALNIS (24:38):
You’ve been on expeditions before.
How do we go about hiring an airship?
GARETH (24:44):
I have no idea. Professor Rand always took care of the details.
Personally, I think she just used the opportunity
as another excuse to get out of teaching in a classroom.
The only thing I remember hersaying was that she wished there was a
better than dealing with the shipping guild.
TRALNIS (25:00):
Well, at least it can’t be nearly as bad
as dealing with the Dean and Nut-less.
[door opens, loud overlapping voices]
Then again, I could be wrong.
Imaginary Friends in the Sky, it sounds like a herd of cattle in here.
GARETH (25:15):
What?! I can’t hear you.
Wow, is it just me,
or do you feel like we’re in the middle of a herd of cattle?
TRALNIS (25:24):
What?! I can’t hear what you’re saying.
GARETH (25:27):
What? Oh, never mind,
I think I see the Shipping Guild booth on the far wall.
Follow me.
TRALNIS (25:34):
Huh? I have no idea what you mean by a
‘flipping tooth over a tar fall.’
What are you doing? Wait up, Gareth.
[crowd noise lessens]TRALNIS: Thank goodness
the acoustics of this room make it not as loud
as it was in the entryway, right Gareth?
Gareth? Now where did he get off to?
(25:55):
Oh, there he is. (chuckle)Let’s see,
dazed eyes and a goofy grin. I’m pretty sure I know what distracted him.
So, Gareth, whose arse are we ogling?
GARETH (26:08):
What?
TRALNIS (26:09):
I said, whose arse are we ogling?
GARETH (26:14):
Sorry I got distracted.
A beautiful woman with bright red hair walked by a few stalls over.
While some people might call her chubby, or even fat,
I'd argue that she has great curves in all of the right places.
And, I wasn’t ogling her ‘arse’,no matter how cute it looked.
Like you taught me, a gentleman in the Granitestaff household never ogles,
(26:39):
they simply stare in appreciation of the beauty displayed.
TRALNIS (26:43):
It makes me proud to know I raised you right.
Now hurry, it looks like there’s a break in the foot traffic
just ahead that will put us closeto the Shipping Guild booth.
Slithering Salamander Shite! Gareth, hold up!
Quick, get behind thistrading company booth!
GARETH (27:03):
What’s going on?
TRALNIS (27:04):
Remember when I said I didn’t think this would be worse
than dealing with the Dean and Nut-Lice?
GARETH (27:09):
Yeah.
Well, I’m a short enough person
to admit when I’m wrong…very, very wrong.
I think you better be the one doing the talking here.
Do you know the Dwarf running the Shipping Guild booth
I don’t recognize them, and I’m sure I would remember seeing
anyone with a beard more impressive than yours.
TRALNIS (27:29):
She’s an ex-girlfriend, and things didn’t end well between us.
GARETH (27:35):
Hold on a tick, did you just say ex-girlfriend?
I thought you were always kidding when you said female
Dwarves had beards as well.
TRALNIS (27:46):
Now you know why all Dwarves are at the bare minimum
bisexual. When both sexes look the same,
the soonest you find out if your date is a man or woman is
when the clothes come off.
GARETH (27:59):
That makes sense, I suppose.
Alright, so I don’t go into a situation blind,
why don’t you tell me why you two broke up?
TRALNIS (28:07):
She caught me in bed with her brother.
GARETH (28:11):
You know, I really wish that I could say that surprises me, but I can’t.
You’re right, I should do the talking.
Um… excuse me, sir… I mean ma’am. I--
BREGGA (28:28):
Tralnis… I thought I had seen the last
of your two-timing, despicable carcass.
TRALNIS (28:33):
Bregga, you’re looking well.
BREGGA (28:37):
You, human! What do you want?
You better not be wasting my time.
wasting my time. You already have one strike against you showing up with him.
GARETH (28:51):
We… I mean, I was hoping you could tell us how
we go about chartering an airship.
BREGGA (28:58):
Gods below and above, save me from stupid ground pounders!
Write down your name, where you are wanting to go,
how many are in your party, and what type of cargo you have, if any.
At the bottom of the form, write down the most you are willing to pay.
(29:18):
If it looks like a good deal,
more than one ship might be interested in it,
and it’s possible you can get the price to come down in a bidding war.
When you’re done filling out the form, give it to me
and I’ll post it on the job board.
GARETH (29:31):
Thank you Ma’am, definitely a ma’am,
no confusion whatsoever on my part,
and may I say what a handsome… er, I mean beautiful beard you have.
Judging by your glare
I should just shut up now an fill out the form like you told me to
[pencil scratching]GARETH: Here you go---
BREGGA (29:58):
Give me that! Now let’s see…
oh, this is just perfect!
Good luck finding a captain willing to piss off Deek Nutleiss,
one of the biggest merchants in the IRD.
You and that worthless brother buggerer better be
(30:19):
good swimmers if you want to get off this island
anytime in the next several decades.
Magnate Nutleiss made it clear that any captain doing business with you
would never do business with him,or any of his partners, ever again.
Now leave me be, and take that pile of dragon shit,
(30:40):
Granitestaff, with you. I’m taking my lunch break early.
[blind closes]
GARETH (30:47):
That could have gone better.
TRALNIS (30:49):
Actually, I thought it went rather well.
Last time Bregga and I met,
I ended up needing several stitches after she shot me in the arse with a crossbow.
Believe me when I tell you that trying to stitch up your
own arse using a mirror is a stone bitch.
GARETH (31:06):
She tried to kill you?!
TRALNIS (31:07):
No, not at all.
Bregga can put out the eye of a cave viper from 50 paces.
She just wanted to make sure I would have a permanent
reminder of our relationship.
Not that I’m worried, or anything,
but would you mind standing between me and Bregga’s booth?
IZZY (31:25):
Sorry to eavesdrop, but are you two wanting to hire an airship?
GARETH (31:28):
Oh wow! You are even prettier up close
with your green eyes, pale skin, freckles,
and cute oil smudge at the tip of your nose.
And I just said all of that out loud, didn’t I?
IZZY (31:45):
Yep. At least now I don’t have to worry about that old adage
that says all of the really cute ones are either married, gay,
undead, or any combination of the above.
TRALNIS (31:55):
I’m Doctor Tralnis Granitestaff,
and this normally eloquent lad is my son, Professor Gareth Mintel.
Yes, we are looking to hire an airship.
IZZY (32:06):
I'm Isadora Morgana,
the engineer, and part owner of the Glorious Dawn.
My friends call me Izzy.
GARETH (32:13):
Even though I’m about to die of embarrassment,
I’d like to say that it’s a pleasure to meet you, Izzy.
I would be honored if you would call me Gareth.
Once you get to know the good doctor here,
I’m sure he would appreciate you calling him Tralnis
instead of the other less pleasantnames I’m sure you’ll come up with.
To answer your other question, yes.
(32:33):
We need to hire an airship for an undetermined amount of time
for an archaeology expedition.
Aside from us, we have a third member of our party,
and a small wagon load ofsupplies and equipment.
IZZY (32:44):
Provided that you don’t mind if we load up on other cargo
and Tralnis would be willing to offer his services
free of charge to the crew, I think we can make a deal.
[outro music]
This has been Gareth and the Lost Island. Episode 3
Starring (33:06):
Peter McGiffen as the Narrator and Henry’s translator
Allen Pettey as Tralnis Granitestaff
Patrick Mallard as Gareth Mintel
Derek Fein as University Guard 1
Alex Vancil as University Guard 2
(33:28):
Jeff Vestergaard as Airship Port Guard
Justine Leah Hince as Bregga
andDebra Mallard as Izzy Morgana
Any resemblance between the Airship Port Guard and the
TSA is purely intentional on the part of the writer.
(33:50):
Gareth and the Lost Island was written and directed by Patrick Mallard.
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