050. Our Traumatic Birth Story & A Lesson In Listening to Your Intuition

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.0000000004I had no idea what was going on with her. 2 00:00:02,790.0000000001 --> 00:00:03,960.0000000002 There was no updates. 3 00:00:04,330.0000000003 --> 00:00:09,549.9999999996 I felt so like just, so Helpless and alone and just... 4 00:00:10,689.999999999 --> 00:00:15,760 you know, you give birth to this sweet soul, this baby. 5 00:00:16,809.999999999 --> 00:00:18,490 And they're immediately taken from you. 6 00:00:19,479.999999999 --> 00:00:21,819.999999999 And then on top of it, you don't know what's going on. 7 00:00:22,269.999999999 --> 00:00:29,113.673742808 And if they're like fighting for their life, or if they're going to survive This is the life with grief podcast. 8 00:00:29,503.673742808 --> 00:00:37,213.673742808 The podcast that talks about and normalizes the complexities of grief life after loss and all this entails and so much more. 9 00:00:37,753.673742808 --> 00:00:47,233.673742808 I want you to think of this podcast as a safe space, where I'm a friendly face, and we're just journeying through this together to figure out how to live life with our grief in tow. 10 00:00:47,683.673742808 --> 00:00:49,303.673742808 I'm your host, Tara Acardo. 11 00:00:49,633.673742808 --> 00:00:53,143.673742808 I'm a grief and transformational life coach, and I'm here to serve you. 12 00:00:53,173.673742808 --> 00:01:02,893.673742808 Guidance, support, tangible coping tools, inspiration, and some laughs along the way to help you cultivate a more meaningful, intentional, and beautiful life. 13 00:01:03,433.673742808 --> 00:01:11,23.673742808 But grieving or not, we're getting into countless topics here on the podcast from coping with loss to self-development and so much more. 14 00:01:11,503.673742808 --> 00:01:12,313.673742808 I'm so grateful. 15 00:01:12,313.673742808 --> 00:01:12,913.673742808 You're here. 16 00:01:13,363.673742808 --> 00:01:14,353.673742808 Let's dive right in. 17 00:01:15,941.051401019 --> 00:01:19,871.051401019 Hello, and welcome back to the life with grief podcast. 18 00:01:19,871.051401019 --> 00:01:21,491.051401019 I'm your host, Tara Acardo. 19 00:01:22,151.051401019 --> 00:01:29,51.051401019 And today's episode is a special one because I am sharing the birth story of our daughter, Audrey. 20 00:01:30,41.051401019 --> 00:01:31,241.051401019 I have to be honest. 21 00:01:31,601.051401019 --> 00:01:35,621.051401019 It was really going back and forth on sharing this. 22 00:01:35,621.051401019 --> 00:01:41,621.05140102 There was definitely a time in this journey in these last two, three months where I. 23 00:01:42,131.05140102 --> 00:01:43,721.05140102 Did not want to relive this. 24 00:01:44,171.05140102 --> 00:01:48,161.05140102 I wasn't super comfortable sharing parts of it. 25 00:01:48,161.05140102 --> 00:01:51,791.05140102 And there are some parts I, and also just for the sake of time today, honestly. 26 00:01:52,201.05140102 --> 00:01:56,71.05140102 That I will not go into a crazy amount of detail about, but. 27 00:01:57,1.05140102 --> 00:02:00,331.05140102 I think it's just an important story to share. 28 00:02:00,911.05140102 --> 00:02:08,81.05140102 Not only because I just want to be very open and vulnerable with you guys and my grief journey and life with grief. 29 00:02:08,141.05140102 --> 00:02:08,531.05140102 Right. 30 00:02:09,191.05140102 --> 00:02:12,281.05140102 But this birth. 31 00:02:12,521.05140102 --> 00:02:20,591.05140102 Was such a important lesson in intuition for me and listening to my intuition. 32 00:02:21,221.05140102 --> 00:02:36,191.05140102 Which I've always felt like I was a fairly intuitive person, but honestly, since the deaths of my parents and as I've continued to grow in my grief and become more introspective and. 33 00:02:37,391.05140102 --> 00:02:41,801.05140102 And better about self-reflection and really like listening to my gut. 34 00:02:43,61.05140102 --> 00:02:48,611.05140102 I just felt like this was such a beautiful example of that. 35 00:02:48,701.05140102 --> 00:02:56,831.05140102 And it's a scary one too, because had I not listened to my intuition as I did. 36 00:02:58,31.05140102 --> 00:03:01,961.05140102 The outcome of our daughter's life would have been very different. 37 00:03:02,601.05140102 --> 00:03:05,541.05140102 And by that, I mean, she would not have made it. 38 00:03:05,901.05140102 --> 00:03:07,101.05140102 She would not be here right now. 39 00:03:08,61.05140102 --> 00:03:09,111.05140102 So I'm going to get into that. 40 00:03:09,621.05140102 --> 00:03:11,451.05140102 And I'm going to explain what I mean by that. 41 00:03:11,481.05140102 --> 00:03:17,691.05140102 Before we dive into this story though, obviously just some kind of trigger warnings here. 42 00:03:17,991.05140102 --> 00:03:21,141.05140102 Of course, I will be talking about pregnancy in general. 43 00:03:21,141.05140102 --> 00:03:34,371.05140102 That probably goes to that saying if I'm talking about a birth story so pregnancy process, the birthing process more specifically emergency C-sections of course, just the hospital, which in and of itself can be triggering for some people. 44 00:03:34,791.05140102 --> 00:03:35,661.05140102 Spoiler alert. 45 00:03:35,661.05140102 --> 00:03:38,721.05140102 Our daughter was in the NICU for a certain amount of time. 46 00:03:38,721.05140102 --> 00:03:41,1.05140102 So I will be talking about that experience as well. 47 00:03:41,411.05140102 --> 00:03:45,311.05140102 And overall just a bit of a traumatic birth story. 48 00:03:45,311.05140102 --> 00:03:52,371.05140102 So if you have been through anything like that and feel this might be a little bit too much for you to hear right now. 49 00:03:53,481.05140102 --> 00:03:57,411.05140102 Please feel free to skip over this episode or pause it and come back to it. 50 00:03:57,781.05140102 --> 00:04:03,841.05140102 If you have lost a child and this just might be a little difficult for you to hear, I just want to give. 51 00:04:04,291.05140102 --> 00:04:05,701.05140102 Fair warning here. 52 00:04:05,801.05140102 --> 00:04:11,291.05140102 Again, sort of spoiler, our daughter is well and thriving now. 53 00:04:11,791.05140102 --> 00:04:12,421.05140102 But. 54 00:04:13,81.05140102 --> 00:04:13,681.05140102 Her. 55 00:04:14,371.05140102 --> 00:04:17,371.05140102 Entrance into this world was, was very scary. 56 00:04:17,371.05140102 --> 00:04:21,221.05140102 And that is ultimately the story I will be telling today. 57 00:04:21,251.05140102 --> 00:04:21,821.05140102 So. 58 00:04:22,981.05140102 --> 00:04:27,901.05140102 We conceived our daughter in like late may of 20, 23. 59 00:04:28,381.05140102 --> 00:04:30,601.05140102 We are very blessed in that it was a. 60 00:04:31,681.05140102 --> 00:04:32,701.05140102 Quick process for us. 61 00:04:33,391.05140102 --> 00:04:34,351.05140102 Just leave it at that. 62 00:04:34,841.05140102 --> 00:04:37,541.05140102 I just, we, we were planning though. 63 00:04:37,571.05140102 --> 00:04:40,601.05140102 So I was definitely hyper aware of. 64 00:04:41,81.05140102 --> 00:04:52,581.05140102 Getting pregnant and Within, you know, two, three weeks found out we were expecting, it was actually, I think like a day or two before our first wedding anniversary, which is June 11th. 65 00:04:52,611.05140102 --> 00:04:56,281.05140102 So yeah, I think it was like the ninth or 10th that I found out. 66 00:04:56,281.05140102 --> 00:04:58,81.05140102 So we were very excited. 67 00:04:58,701.05140102 --> 00:04:59,961.05140102 Again, we'll be very honest. 68 00:04:59,961.05140102 --> 00:05:02,571.05140102 Like it was a pretty easy pregnancy in terms of. 69 00:05:03,201.05140102 --> 00:05:04,11.05140102 Morning sickness. 70 00:05:04,41.05140102 --> 00:05:06,231.05140102 I don't say that to shove this in anyone's face. 71 00:05:06,881.05140102 --> 00:05:08,471.05140102 I actually say that. 72 00:05:09,101.05140102 --> 00:05:12,431.05140102 More to lead up to the birthing process. 73 00:05:12,431.05140102 --> 00:05:12,731.05140102 Right. 74 00:05:12,731.05140102 --> 00:05:23,231.05140102 So It's more that, you know, you could have this really amazing, beautiful pregnancy, but it just goes to show you like, Your actual birth can really surprise you. 75 00:05:23,301.05140102 --> 00:05:25,971.05140102 And I'll talk about birth plans and stuff in a second, but. 76 00:05:26,661.05140102 --> 00:05:28,671.05140102 Just like cautionary tale, like. 77 00:05:29,511.05140102 --> 00:05:33,771.05140102 The the, even the easiest and most beautiful pregnancies on paper. 78 00:05:34,201.05140102 --> 00:05:35,71.05140102 You just never know. 79 00:05:35,131.05140102 --> 00:05:35,581.05140102 So. 80 00:05:36,661.05140102 --> 00:05:45,661.05140102 But that being said, I had a little bit of morning sickness and some aversions to smells and things between probably weeks like five and 10. 81 00:05:45,661.05140102 --> 00:05:47,371.05140102 So very much like first trimester. 82 00:05:47,821.05140102 --> 00:05:48,661.05140102 Timeframe. 83 00:05:48,721.05140102 --> 00:05:54,331.05140102 And then really when the second and third trimesters came around that subsided. 84 00:05:54,751.05140102 --> 00:05:57,871.05140102 I definitely had some lower back pain though. 85 00:05:58,81.05140102 --> 00:06:01,231.05140102 I am still convinced it was some temporary. 86 00:06:01,411.05140102 --> 00:06:02,101.05140102 Attica or something. 87 00:06:02,631.05140102 --> 00:06:07,131.05140102 It was really bad in the last trimester, especially, but that started really early for me. 88 00:06:07,461.05140102 --> 00:06:09,51.05140102 I don't know, just really uncomfortable back pain. 89 00:06:09,681.05140102 --> 00:06:10,851.05140102 But I did my best. 90 00:06:10,851.05140102 --> 00:06:12,381.05140102 I was as healthy as I could be. 91 00:06:12,381.05140102 --> 00:06:16,701.05140102 I worked out until like the last second, and even if it was easier workout. 92 00:06:16,701.05140102 --> 00:06:25,731.05140102 So that's like the one thing I can recommend, especially if anybody here is like, Thinking about having kids or getting pregnant or whatever, just like keep moving, like do not stop. 93 00:06:26,431.05140102 --> 00:06:31,161.05140102 Even if it's walks, which I also did with the help of a belly band, when my value is getting heavier. 94 00:06:31,601.05140102 --> 00:06:32,831.05140102 Even towards the end of the pregnancy. 95 00:06:33,371.05140102 --> 00:06:34,451.05140102 Cannot recommend it enough. 96 00:06:35,231.05140102 --> 00:06:36,251.05140102 Anyway, so. 97 00:06:37,211.05140102 --> 00:06:41,81.05140102 Yeah, without belaboring that pretty, pretty great pregnancy. 98 00:06:41,751.05140102 --> 00:06:46,551.05140102 I should mention our daughter's original due date was February 19th. 99 00:06:47,671.05140102 --> 00:06:52,771.05140102 Ironically enough, we have our maternity photo shoot. 100 00:06:53,401.05140102 --> 00:06:57,831.05140102 Like the first weekend in January, very grateful that. 101 00:06:58,341.05140102 --> 00:06:59,691.05140102 We got those photos when we did. 102 00:07:00,351.05140102 --> 00:07:03,681.05140102 Which leads me to really the beginning of. 103 00:07:04,401.05140102 --> 00:07:05,31.05140102 The story. 104 00:07:05,151.05140102 --> 00:07:05,541.05140102 So. 105 00:07:06,411.05140102 --> 00:07:07,311.05140102 That week. 106 00:07:07,821.05140102 --> 00:07:15,321.05140102 You know, I'm in my third trimester, little over a month from giving birth, in theory, assuming she hadn't come early on her own. 107 00:07:16,41.05140102 --> 00:07:16,611.05140102 And. 108 00:07:18,21.05140102 --> 00:07:21,711.05140102 You know, as babies, obviously they're getting bigger in there. 109 00:07:22,461.05140102 --> 00:07:33,661.05140102 It, it's not uncommon, of course, for them to move a little bit less or, you know, They're losing space, right? Or it becomes more of like a rolling, maybe not quite so much kicking things like that. 110 00:07:35,131.05140102 --> 00:07:42,481.05140102 So I was like mentally prepared for that and kind of told myself if that happens or starts happening, not to totally freak out. 111 00:07:42,961.05140102 --> 00:07:44,701.05140102 It's really weird because. 112 00:07:46,531.05140102 --> 00:07:50,311.05140102 Going into like getting pregnant and this pregnancy journey. 113 00:07:51,451.05140102 --> 00:08:02,431.05140102 I had this sort of like, I'm going to say irrational because I'm actually truly not sure where this came from, but I just had this fear that like, I was either going to have a hard time getting pregnant or like it was going to take awhile. 114 00:08:03,151.05140102 --> 00:08:11,791.05140102 Or that there was just something that was going to be off about this pregnancy, or like, I was just scared of losing it to be honest with you. 115 00:08:11,791.05140102 --> 00:08:13,471.05140102 I don't, I don't know why. 116 00:08:13,951.05140102 --> 00:08:15,1.05140102 Could've been intuition. 117 00:08:15,561.05140102 --> 00:08:16,941.05140102 Honestly, but. 118 00:08:18,231.05140102 --> 00:08:20,961.05140102 Yeah, there was just something that left me on edge. 119 00:08:20,961.05140102 --> 00:08:24,681.05140102 And I tried really hard throughout the whole pregnancy, not to stress about that. 120 00:08:24,861.05140102 --> 00:08:32,931.05140102 And honestly, the more time went on, the more cakes in everything that I felt, the more confident I felt that she was okay. 121 00:08:32,931.05140102 --> 00:08:33,591.05140102 So. 122 00:08:34,521.05140102 --> 00:08:37,341.05140102 You know, with time, I got more comfortable with that. 123 00:08:38,121.05140102 --> 00:08:39,801.05140102 And she honestly. 124 00:08:40,281.05140102 --> 00:08:42,171.05140102 Bless her heart was pretty consistent. 125 00:08:42,621.05140102 --> 00:08:50,361.05140102 With her movements and when she would move, she moved a lot at like at night, like right after dinner, which often babies in the womb. 126 00:08:50,421.05140102 --> 00:08:55,101.05140102 You know, we'll move after you eat because they're getting a little food in there too. 127 00:08:55,701.05140102 --> 00:09:01,371.05140102 So yeah, she just kind of had her, her times of day where she was more active, so she was still fairly consistent. 128 00:09:01,371.05140102 --> 00:09:02,871.05140102 So if nothing else, even if. 129 00:09:03,501.05140102 --> 00:09:04,491.05140102 I was feeling. 130 00:09:05,91.05140102 --> 00:09:08,541.05140102 You know, less kicking or movement or whatever, as she got bigger. 131 00:09:09,291.05140102 --> 00:09:10,851.05140102 I at least sort of relied on that. 132 00:09:12,511.05140102 --> 00:09:14,911.05140102 So that week in January. 133 00:09:14,911.05140102 --> 00:09:16,561.05140102 So this is kind of like January week. 134 00:09:16,621.05140102 --> 00:09:17,821.05140102 Two-ish now. 135 00:09:18,341.05140102 --> 00:09:18,971.05140102 Aye. 136 00:09:20,291.05140102 --> 00:09:22,301.05140102 Started feeling less movement. 137 00:09:22,721.05140102 --> 00:09:26,621.05140102 As far as like, when this started happening I remember feeling a little bit less that week. 138 00:09:27,431.05140102 --> 00:09:32,801.05140102 But there, so that like, Wednesday, especially Thursday, Friday. 139 00:09:33,161.05140102 --> 00:09:35,531.05140102 I remember, like really noticing. 140 00:09:36,881.05140102 --> 00:09:37,691.05140102 She was. 141 00:09:38,411.05140102 --> 00:09:42,341.05140102 Overall moving less after I ate. 142 00:09:42,941.05140102 --> 00:09:49,661.05140102 And there was this one night and it was so that, that Friday, so this is January 12th. 143 00:09:50,331.05140102 --> 00:09:55,551.05140102 I do remember kind of feeling her moving a little bit less that day, but I wasn't like super concerned yet. 144 00:09:55,551.05140102 --> 00:09:58,641.05140102 It was more just like I was sort of in this mode of like, okay, I'm keeping an eye on this. 145 00:09:58,671.05140102 --> 00:10:00,321.05140102 I'm not freaking out yet, but I'm keeping an eye on it. 146 00:10:01,551.05140102 --> 00:10:05,301.05140102 And that night we went over to my in-laws. 147 00:10:05,331.05140102 --> 00:10:06,861.05140102 We had some dinner. 148 00:10:08,61.05140102 --> 00:10:14,341.05140102 And I remember this specifically because I was kinda like feeling around my belly and stuff, because at this point I was becoming more. 149 00:10:14,881.05140102 --> 00:10:17,491.05140102 More aware of it, like kind of hyper-aware of her movements. 150 00:10:18,721.05140102 --> 00:10:22,621.05140102 And I was not feeling her even like. 151 00:10:23,461.05140102 --> 00:10:24,391.05140102 Rolling. 152 00:10:24,421.05140102 --> 00:10:25,741.05140102 I got like one kick. 153 00:10:27,241.05140102 --> 00:10:28,531.05140102 That entire night. 154 00:10:28,621.05140102 --> 00:10:30,691.05140102 And I was like, this is really weird. 155 00:10:30,721.05140102 --> 00:10:32,41.05140102 And I actually said it out loud. 156 00:10:32,71.05140102 --> 00:10:32,851.05140102 My mother-in-law. 157 00:10:33,271.05140102 --> 00:10:36,31.05140102 Even remembers me saying this, like, this is kind of weird. 158 00:10:36,31.05140102 --> 00:10:40,201.05140102 She's not like moving very much, like not as much as she normally does. 159 00:10:41,491.05140102 --> 00:10:47,11.05140102 And so I would say it was at that point that the concern really, really kept in. 160 00:10:48,441.05140102 --> 00:10:49,671.05140102 As the night went on. 161 00:10:50,271.05140102 --> 00:10:51,411.05140102 Slept that night. 162 00:10:52,131.05140102 --> 00:10:53,481.05140102 So Saturday morning rolls around. 163 00:10:53,511.05140102 --> 00:10:54,951.05140102 So this is now January 13th. 164 00:10:55,401.05140102 --> 00:10:57,81.05140102 And I. 165 00:10:57,771.05140102 --> 00:11:03,771.05140102 Was up around like 5, 5 30, 6 ish, I think is kind of when I looked at the clock. 166 00:11:04,791.05140102 --> 00:11:05,451.05140102 And. 167 00:11:06,411.05140102 --> 00:11:12,591.05140102 I remember, like, you know, at this point, a lot of hospitals will want you to be doing like kick counts and things like that. 168 00:11:12,641.05140102 --> 00:11:14,561.05140102 Because the baby stops moving less. 169 00:11:14,561.05140102 --> 00:11:17,891.05140102 They want you to still be like, be diligent and be on top of it, of these like movements. 170 00:11:18,731.05140102 --> 00:11:20,441.05140102 And I'll be honest with you. 171 00:11:20,441.05140102 --> 00:11:24,611.05140102 I never did the whole, like filling out the little card thing that they gave me. 172 00:11:24,611.05140102 --> 00:11:26,891.05140102 I just, I felt very in touch with her. 173 00:11:26,891.05140102 --> 00:11:28,511.05140102 And I just knew when she moved. 174 00:11:28,511.05140102 --> 00:11:32,291.05140102 And I knew the times during the day when she was little less active. 175 00:11:32,951.05140102 --> 00:11:36,911.05140102 So I didn't worry about it too much, but I remember laying in bed and I was like on my left side. 176 00:11:36,941.05140102 --> 00:11:37,691.05140102 Cause that's it's side. 177 00:11:37,691.05140102 --> 00:11:41,561.05140102 They tell you to be on, you know, where to get the most blood flow and. 178 00:11:42,191.05140102 --> 00:11:44,81.05140102 Was not really feeling movement. 179 00:11:44,801.05140102 --> 00:11:53,471.05140102 So now I'm like getting panicky a little, still trying to keep a calm and cool, but I got up and I was like, okay, well let me try and eat something. 180 00:11:53,521.05140102 --> 00:11:58,81.05140102 I was like doing, just trying to do all the right things that they tell you to do. 181 00:11:58,381.05140102 --> 00:12:01,291.05140102 When you're kind of feeling your baby move a little bit less. 182 00:12:02,431.05140102 --> 00:12:08,131.05140102 So I ate a little, something, still continue to lay on my side and I was just not feeling anything. 183 00:12:08,481.05140102 --> 00:12:10,941.05140102 So at that point I was like, okay. 184 00:12:10,941.05140102 --> 00:12:14,61.05140102 Something is like, Something is wrong. 185 00:12:14,901.05140102 --> 00:12:15,531.05140102 And I. 186 00:12:16,821.05140102 --> 00:12:20,931.05140102 In the day or two leading up to that when I was kind of expressing this to my husband. 187 00:12:21,451.05140102 --> 00:12:25,711.05140102 And this is not like a knock on him or anything, but this is just like women out there. 188 00:12:26,581.05140102 --> 00:12:28,351.05140102 This is me planting the seed. 189 00:12:28,411.05140102 --> 00:12:30,751.05140102 Listen to your intuition because you could have. 190 00:12:31,411.05140102 --> 00:12:34,261.05140102 Everyone around you be like, oh, don't worry about it. 191 00:12:34,261.05140102 --> 00:12:35,911.05140102 I'm sure everything's fine. 192 00:12:35,911.05140102 --> 00:12:36,721.05140102 Like, don't worry. 193 00:12:36,721.05140102 --> 00:12:37,501.05140102 It's all good. 194 00:12:37,981.05140102 --> 00:12:38,911.05140102 And that's what he was saying to me. 195 00:12:38,941.05140102 --> 00:12:40,411.05140102 He's like, oh, I wouldn't worry, sweetie. 196 00:12:40,411.05140102 --> 00:12:41,761.05140102 Like, she's probably fine. 197 00:12:41,791.05140102 --> 00:12:45,241.05140102 She's just getting bigger, less active, you know, all the typical stuff. 198 00:12:46,591.05140102 --> 00:12:50,101.05140102 But I knew Like, I just knew something was not right. 199 00:12:50,221.05140102 --> 00:12:52,531.05140102 Like I'm growing this human right. 200 00:12:52,681.05140102 --> 00:12:57,241.05140102 She's been with me now for, well, at that point, it was like eight months, whatever it was. 201 00:12:57,841.05140102 --> 00:13:00,121.05140102 And I was like, no, this is, this is different. 202 00:13:00,121.05140102 --> 00:13:01,711.05140102 Something's really wrong here. 203 00:13:02,701.05140102 --> 00:13:03,391.05140102 So. 204 00:13:04,141.05140102 --> 00:13:06,691.05140102 Before my husband even like, was up yet. 205 00:13:06,781.05140102 --> 00:13:09,691.05140102 I called the hospital. 206 00:13:09,811.05140102 --> 00:13:17,341.05140102 And kind of just spoke with the, I actually don't know who was now just like the birthing center, wherever we were planning on giving birth to her. 207 00:13:18,61.05140102 --> 00:13:19,381.05140102 It was explaining what was going on. 208 00:13:19,441.05140102 --> 00:13:21,631.05140102 They were very calm, very helpful on the phone. 209 00:13:21,681.05140102 --> 00:13:27,171.05140102 And ultimately said, you know what, mom, like, if you are feeling things are not right. 210 00:13:28,191.05140102 --> 00:13:32,271.05140102 If your intuition is telling you something that like, come on in, like, let's just check it out. 211 00:13:32,271.05140102 --> 00:13:34,101.05140102 What is the worst case scenario? Right. 212 00:13:34,131.05140102 --> 00:13:34,761.05140102 Things are fine. 213 00:13:34,761.05140102 --> 00:13:36,441.05140102 And we send you home, like, all right, cool. 214 00:13:36,891.05140102 --> 00:13:38,781.05140102 It would really put my mind at ease to go do that. 215 00:13:38,781.05140102 --> 00:13:39,231.05140102 So. 216 00:13:39,921.05140102 --> 00:13:42,201.05140102 Told my husband that, and he was like, wow, you're really worried. 217 00:13:42,231.05140102 --> 00:13:47,61.05140102 Huh? I was like, yeah, honestly, I am like, I know this baby something something's wrong. 218 00:13:48,381.05140102 --> 00:13:49,71.05140102 So. 219 00:13:49,731.05140102 --> 00:13:51,741.05140102 We go to the hospital. 220 00:13:51,771.05140102 --> 00:13:55,71.05140102 I, I am really internally. 221 00:13:55,161.05140102 --> 00:13:55,401.05140102 Wow. 222 00:13:55,491.05140102 --> 00:13:57,21.05140102 This is actually really taken me back. 223 00:13:57,71.05140102 --> 00:13:59,771.05140102 I remember like sitting in the car and I was just like, very quiet. 224 00:14:00,361.05140102 --> 00:14:02,851.05140102 I knew something was like, really not right. 225 00:14:03,251.05140102 --> 00:14:04,271.05140102 So we get there. 226 00:14:04,781.05140102 --> 00:14:06,251.05140102 Get all checked in and everything. 227 00:14:06,281.05140102 --> 00:14:06,611.05140102 Thank God. 228 00:14:06,611.05140102 --> 00:14:07,451.05140102 It was a Saturday. 229 00:14:07,451.05140102 --> 00:14:08,351.05140102 So there was no like. 230 00:14:09,71.05140102 --> 00:14:12,581.05140102 C-sections they were doing, it was like, actually very like calm and quiet. 231 00:14:12,611.05140102 --> 00:14:15,311.05140102 And so we like get in there. 232 00:14:15,341.05140102 --> 00:14:16,571.05140102 They take us to triage. 233 00:14:16,941.05140102 --> 00:14:20,871.05140102 They get me hooked up there doing like an Ivy. 234 00:14:21,601.05140102 --> 00:14:23,431.05140102 All the things monitoring me. 235 00:14:24,121.05140102 --> 00:14:29,641.05140102 And So when they first got me and baby and everything kind of like hooked up to things. 236 00:14:30,241.05140102 --> 00:14:31,201.05140102 There was a heartbeat. 237 00:14:32,221.05140102 --> 00:14:33,211.05140102 So we knew she was alive. 238 00:14:33,861.05140102 --> 00:14:39,111.05140102 But it was like the heart rate and the blood pressure and all of that. 239 00:14:40,101.05140102 --> 00:14:42,171.05140102 Was not where they wanted it to be. 240 00:14:42,171.05140102 --> 00:14:43,521.05140102 They were like, Hmm. 241 00:14:43,941.05140102 --> 00:14:44,751.05140102 It's a little low. 242 00:14:45,901.05140102 --> 00:14:48,121.05140102 So they bring a doctor in. 243 00:14:48,841.05140102 --> 00:14:51,521.05140102 Who did a sonogram of the baby. 244 00:14:51,521.05140102 --> 00:14:58,1.05140102 So basically what they were looking for here is like 20 minutes worth of sonogram. 245 00:14:58,481.05140102 --> 00:15:04,1.05140102 And they're looking for very specific movements and I won't even go into detail about what the movements were. 246 00:15:04,91.05140102 --> 00:15:06,131.05140102 I honestly cannot remember them. 247 00:15:06,521.05140102 --> 00:15:07,391.05140102 Perfectly right now. 248 00:15:07,421.05140102 --> 00:15:09,731.05140102 So I'd probably botch it, but they were looking for specific things. 249 00:15:10,371.05140102 --> 00:15:14,541.05140102 She saw like, Very incremental. 250 00:15:15,351.05140102 --> 00:15:17,811.05140102 Barely barely movements. 251 00:15:18,291.05140102 --> 00:15:25,551.05140102 So she knew she was like in there, we knew she was alive, but the lack of movement was really concerned. 252 00:15:25,581.05140102 --> 00:15:28,641.05140102 I could even like she, she had a great poker face, but I could see it on her face. 253 00:15:28,641.05140102 --> 00:15:28,851.05140102 Like. 254 00:15:29,241.05140102 --> 00:15:33,591.05140102 And I also just feel like I'm the type of person that reads and feels energy. 255 00:15:34,41.05140102 --> 00:15:34,761.05140102 Pretty well. 256 00:15:35,451.05140102 --> 00:15:41,271.05140102 So I could feel things shifting in the room a little bit and. 257 00:15:41,991.05140102 --> 00:15:45,381.05140102 So she was kind of just like, okay, well, We'll be very honest. 258 00:15:45,381.05140102 --> 00:15:48,141.05140102 I'm not really seeing the movement that we want to see. 259 00:15:48,141.05140102 --> 00:15:52,41.05140102 So let's, let's dig into this and. 260 00:15:54,411.05140102 --> 00:15:55,11.05140102 This is where. 261 00:15:55,851.05140102 --> 00:16:05,421.05140102 Things now are getting a little bit fuzzy, but basically I kind of remember, like there was just nurses in and out sort of a lot to be honest, but at one point. 262 00:16:05,901.05140102 --> 00:16:07,41.05140102 They all go out. 263 00:16:07,871.05140102 --> 00:16:13,931.05140102 They Had me kind of like going from side to side a little bit, just different positions, just to see what's happening. 264 00:16:15,331.05140102 --> 00:16:20,131.05140102 The original nurse that got us all like checked in, got me hooked up to IVs. 265 00:16:20,761.05140102 --> 00:16:22,51.05140102 And all of that comes back in. 266 00:16:23,281.05140102 --> 00:16:27,241.05140102 By herself and she looks at us and she's like, okay. 267 00:16:27,241.05140102 --> 00:16:29,881.05140102 So I do not want to scare you. 268 00:16:30,501.05140102 --> 00:16:40,221.051401 But from what we're all seeing, it's looking like this baby is telling us that she needs to probably come out via C-section today. 269 00:16:42,951.051401 --> 00:16:44,181.051401 I'm just refilling that in my head. 270 00:16:44,181.051401 --> 00:16:45,341.051401 That's It was a happy moment. 271 00:16:46,31.051401 --> 00:16:46,691.051401 We were. 272 00:16:47,981.051401 --> 00:16:52,61.051401 I'm going to say, I'm going to say we were shocked because we were, I think probably my husband, even more than me. 273 00:16:52,541.051401 --> 00:16:56,921.051401 But the reason I say that is because I knew something wasn't right. 274 00:16:57,431.051401 --> 00:16:59,291.051401 You know, and with what. 275 00:17:00,551.051401 --> 00:17:03,431.051401 We were seeing on the monitors, what we saw in the sonogram. 276 00:17:04,631.051401 --> 00:17:06,851.051401 I knew she was in distress of some kind. 277 00:17:06,911.051401 --> 00:17:14,891.051401 So I, there was no way she was going to be going to full term with this, you know, I knew one way or another. 278 00:17:16,181.051401 --> 00:17:18,761.051401 She was going to be coming before February 19th. 279 00:17:19,91.051401 --> 00:17:20,381.051401 She was coming before her due date. 280 00:17:21,701.051401 --> 00:17:25,391.051401 Did I think or know what was going to be right then that day? No. 281 00:17:26,921.051401 --> 00:17:29,471.051401 So we like look at each other. 282 00:17:29,471.051401 --> 00:17:32,921.051401 We're like, Oh, I'm just going to swear here. 283 00:17:32,921.051401 --> 00:17:33,401.051401 Sorry guys. 284 00:17:33,491.051401 --> 00:17:34,121.051401 Oh, shit. 285 00:17:34,761.051401 --> 00:17:37,971.051401 But you kind of, I mean, I can only speak for myself. 286 00:17:37,971.051401 --> 00:17:42,681.051401 I don't want to actually speak for my husband here, but for me, I was like, Let's go. 287 00:17:43,131.051401 --> 00:17:44,541.051401 Like again, I'm going to square here guys. 288 00:17:44,571.051401 --> 00:17:46,991.051401 So just bear with me like again, these are honest thoughts here. 289 00:17:46,991.051401 --> 00:17:48,41.051401 I was like, let's fucking go. 290 00:17:48,131.051401 --> 00:17:50,951.051401 Let's get, I don't care what you have to do. 291 00:17:51,551.051401 --> 00:17:53,231.051401 I don't care what happens to me. 292 00:17:53,441.051401 --> 00:17:56,351.051401 I mean, like, I, I do, I want to be healthy and alive for her. 293 00:17:57,431.051401 --> 00:17:59,51.051401 Like I I'm good. 294 00:17:59,621.051401 --> 00:18:00,551.051401 Take care of my baby. 295 00:18:00,851.051401 --> 00:18:01,451.051401 Get her out. 296 00:18:01,451.051401 --> 00:18:02,291.051401 If she needs to get out. 297 00:18:02,931.051401 --> 00:18:06,261.051401 And I think I even expressed that to the nurse and no uncertain terms. 298 00:18:06,301.051401 --> 00:18:12,481.051401 And so we're like, I'm trying to unpack all of this and just how quickly things turned. 299 00:18:12,531.051401 --> 00:18:13,41.051401 We went through. 300 00:18:13,311.051401 --> 00:18:15,441.051401 Thinking we had five more weeks with her. 301 00:18:15,801.051401 --> 00:18:17,31.051401 Inside of me too. 302 00:18:17,571.051401 --> 00:18:19,461.051401 You're giving birth probably today. 303 00:18:20,121.051401 --> 00:18:24,411.051401 So from there, they gave me a shot. 304 00:18:24,711.051401 --> 00:18:31,491.051401 To help open her lungs because obviously being, she was going to be five weeks early at this point. 305 00:18:32,11.051401 --> 00:18:34,531.051401 You know, she was not going to be as developed as she needed to be. 306 00:18:34,561.051401 --> 00:18:36,901.051401 And the lungs were obviously a big part of that. 307 00:18:37,321.051401 --> 00:18:38,341.051401 So they thought. 308 00:18:38,881.051401 --> 00:18:40,261.051401 Stay tuned for this. 309 00:18:40,261.051401 --> 00:18:42,691.051401 That was actually not going to be the main problem. 310 00:18:43,241.051401 --> 00:18:46,61.051401 But anyway, they basically wanted to keep me pregnant as long as possible. 311 00:18:46,61.051401 --> 00:18:47,951.051401 So even if that meant another 24 hours. 312 00:18:48,491.051401 --> 00:18:49,211.051401 That's what they wanted. 313 00:18:49,611.051401 --> 00:18:55,191.051401 And so they explained that this shot, they gave me kind of one part of it now. 314 00:18:55,251.051401 --> 00:19:01,791.051401 And the plan was to give me the other half or the other part of it in 24 hours. 315 00:19:02,31.051401 --> 00:19:05,901.051401 So that would have put us around like 12, 12, 30 noon. 316 00:19:06,651.051401 --> 00:19:08,931.051401 On January Sunday, January 14th. 317 00:19:09,781.051401 --> 00:19:11,701.051401 They're like, okay, you're going to be staying here. 318 00:19:11,731.051401 --> 00:19:12,841.051401 You're not going to discharge. 319 00:19:12,871.051401 --> 00:19:13,711.051401 You're not going anywhere. 320 00:19:13,741.051401 --> 00:19:13,831.051401 This. 321 00:19:14,131.051401 --> 00:19:16,411.051401 This baby has to come out here pretty soon. 322 00:19:17,641.051401 --> 00:19:23,321.051401 So at that point, we tell some family Obviously, my parents were not there to tell. 323 00:19:24,371.051401 --> 00:19:29,61.051401 I'm going to talk a little bit more about that in a minute, but my husband calls his parents. 324 00:19:29,61.051401 --> 00:19:30,621.051401 My in-laws, I. 325 00:19:31,281.051401 --> 00:19:32,511.051401 Tell my family. 326 00:19:32,841.051401 --> 00:19:34,311.051401 Crazy enough. 327 00:19:34,461.051401 --> 00:19:36,951.051401 I sorta got my friends, had some intuition about some stuff too. 328 00:19:37,371.051401 --> 00:19:39,831.051401 And one of my friends just happened to text me that morning. 329 00:19:39,831.051401 --> 00:19:49,21.051401 Like, Hey mama, how are you feeling? How are you doing? And then one of my other friends, funny enough, she was like on her, like find my app on our iPhone. 330 00:19:49,361.051401 --> 00:19:52,511.051401 But she was like, Hey, like I see her at the hospital. 331 00:19:52,511.051401 --> 00:19:55,871.051401 Are you guys okay? Crazy stuff. 332 00:19:56,171.051401 --> 00:19:59,381.051401 Like again, just the universe acting in weird ways. 333 00:20:00,191.051401 --> 00:20:03,791.051401 And I don't actually think I responded to them in that moment, to be honest. 334 00:20:03,791.051401 --> 00:20:08,531.051401 I can't remember when I got back to everybody, but I just, I was not in the place to like text people. 335 00:20:08,811.051401 --> 00:20:14,661.051401 The only people I FaceTimed with, like my dad's side of the family, and I think I actually let my mom's side note too. 336 00:20:14,691.051401 --> 00:20:15,471.051401 Like my grandma. 337 00:20:15,981.051401 --> 00:20:18,201.051401 Just select few very close family members. 338 00:20:18,871.051401 --> 00:20:21,901.051401 Just to have some support, you know, even if I wasn't ready to talk about it. 339 00:20:22,21.051401 --> 00:20:23,701.051401 Just so some people knew what was going on. 340 00:20:24,431.051401 --> 00:20:25,631.051401 So we're in this room. 341 00:20:26,141.051401 --> 00:20:27,821.051401 The shot is supposed to be doing its thing. 342 00:20:28,181.051401 --> 00:20:37,121.051401 They still have me hooked up to more monitors because they even said, they're like, we're going to still keep an eye on baby, because, you know, from some of the signs and things, she was, she was telling us as far as like decreasing. 343 00:20:37,641.051401 --> 00:20:39,531.051401 Heart rate and blood pressure and all of that, like. 344 00:20:40,401.051401 --> 00:20:41,571.051401 We're keeping an eye on both of you. 345 00:20:42,801.051401 --> 00:20:44,961.051401 So they go out of the room again. 346 00:20:45,381.051401 --> 00:20:49,71.051401 I think it was not even like a half an hour from when they got us into this new room. 347 00:20:49,371.051401 --> 00:20:50,271.051401 To when. 348 00:20:51,291.051401 --> 00:20:53,121.051401 I had turned on my right side. 349 00:20:53,961.051401 --> 00:20:54,771.051401 And. 350 00:20:55,621.051401 --> 00:21:04,651.051401 It was still just my husband and I, and we look at the monitors and her, I guess I think it was her heart rate or blood pressure, whatever it was dropped significantly. 351 00:21:04,681.051401 --> 00:21:05,131.051401 Like. 352 00:21:06,751.051401 --> 00:21:09,871.051401 Like, oh, like not alive, significantly. 353 00:21:10,471.051401 --> 00:21:13,561.051401 And we were like, oh, this is not good. 354 00:21:13,591.051401 --> 00:21:15,271.051401 I was like, this is making me nervous. 355 00:21:15,271.051401 --> 00:21:17,101.051401 So I, I go on the other side. 356 00:21:17,631.051401 --> 00:21:21,471.051401 I kind of turned to my left to try and like, get that back out, which it did go back up. 357 00:21:21,531.051401 --> 00:21:21,981.051401 But. 358 00:21:22,731.051401 --> 00:21:28,461.051401 Very soon after that nurse comes in and she's like, okay, we're doing this C-section right now. 359 00:21:28,491.051401 --> 00:21:30,51.051401 We are not waiting until tomorrow. 360 00:21:30,681.051401 --> 00:21:31,461.051401 She needs to come out. 361 00:21:33,321.051401 --> 00:21:34,401.051401 So. 362 00:21:35,421.051401 --> 00:21:37,971.051401 Things happened very, very quickly from there. 363 00:21:38,61.051401 --> 00:21:44,541.051401 I'm not gonna say I was like immediately rushed into the operating room, but like, it was quick. 364 00:21:44,591.051401 --> 00:21:47,771.051401 So within minutes, you know, nurses are doing whatever they're doing. 365 00:21:48,341.051401 --> 00:21:48,851.051401 To prep. 366 00:21:49,181.051401 --> 00:21:49,901.051401 I don't even know. 367 00:21:50,231.051401 --> 00:21:53,651.051401 Anesthesiologist comes in, he's walking me through everything. 368 00:21:54,881.051401 --> 00:22:01,241.051401 The blessing of having a team that is quick, that is responsive. 369 00:22:02,21.051401 --> 00:22:03,881.051401 But also like very calm. 370 00:22:04,841.051401 --> 00:22:07,211.051401 It's such a, it's such a gift. 371 00:22:07,211.051401 --> 00:22:08,261.051401 It's such a blessing. 372 00:22:08,361.051401 --> 00:22:16,761.051401 Because I felt like there was just this perfect balance of them, like being, being quick, doing what we needed to do to get this baby out safely. 373 00:22:17,211.051401 --> 00:22:22,581.051401 But they were just calm enough to not make us freak out. 374 00:22:23,31.051401 --> 00:22:25,431.051401 More than we were already going to be freaking out. 375 00:22:26,11.051401 --> 00:22:26,791.051401 So. 376 00:22:27,361.051401 --> 00:22:28,831.051401 Very lucky in that regard. 377 00:22:29,11.051401 --> 00:22:30,541.051401 Anesthesiologist. 378 00:22:31,831.051401 --> 00:22:32,641.051401 I was botched that word. 379 00:22:33,131.051401 --> 00:22:35,471.051401 Did a great job of explaining everything. 380 00:22:35,561.051401 --> 00:22:40,691.051401 And before I knew it, We were, I was, I was walking into the O R. 381 00:22:41,341.051401 --> 00:22:45,391.051401 Originally when I'm by myself, they were like, okay, dad, we'll, we'll come back and get you. 382 00:22:45,391.051401 --> 00:22:47,281.051401 Obviously they just need to get me all figured out. 383 00:22:47,981.051401 --> 00:22:51,251.051401 And Marty going into a lot of detail on the story. 384 00:22:51,281.051401 --> 00:22:53,591.051401 So I'll speed this next part up. 385 00:22:53,621.051401 --> 00:22:54,71.051401 I promise. 386 00:22:54,71.051401 --> 00:22:55,741.051401 But basically I get in there. 387 00:22:56,221.051401 --> 00:22:57,901.051401 Have any city and it's crazy. 388 00:22:57,901.051401 --> 00:23:01,801.051401 I I've never had like a procedure. 389 00:23:01,801.051401 --> 00:23:04,801.051401 I've never had surgery, so I kind of didn't know what to expect. 390 00:23:04,801.051401 --> 00:23:05,11.051401 Like. 391 00:23:05,671.051401 --> 00:23:10,411.051401 For those mothers out there, maybe who are listening that have had a, C-section like, you know, it is a legit operating room. 392 00:23:10,471.051401 --> 00:23:14,611.051401 I like, I don't know if I knew what to expect, but I was like, whoa, this is like, no joke. 393 00:23:15,271.051401 --> 00:23:16,81.051401 Very sterile. 394 00:23:16,471.051401 --> 00:23:22,681.051401 There's a lot of people in there like pro I think I, at one point I was kind of trying to distract myself, but there was like maybe eight to 10 people in there. 395 00:23:23,161.051401 --> 00:23:34,321.051401 But, you know, again, this anesthesiologist, he was just walking me through every step, doing an amazing job with that to just like, be like, okay, this is what is going to happen. 396 00:23:34,531.051401 --> 00:23:36,31.051401 Really helped calm my nerves. 397 00:23:36,811.051401 --> 00:23:38,221.051401 So we get up on the table. 398 00:23:39,241.051401 --> 00:23:45,481.051401 Fast-forward they give me the shot in my back and you know, you have to go hunched over for that and all the things. 399 00:23:45,481.051401 --> 00:23:48,901.051401 And honestly, that for me, I was like, I don't care. 400 00:23:48,931.051401 --> 00:23:50,221.051401 Like let's say I was. 401 00:23:51,1.051401 --> 00:23:54,121.051401 I was at the point is maybe like more of my type a side coming out. 402 00:23:54,151.051401 --> 00:23:55,351.051401 I was like, let's just move this along. 403 00:23:55,411.051401 --> 00:23:55,861.051401 Like. 404 00:23:56,371.051401 --> 00:23:57,571.051401 Let's get this fricking baby out. 405 00:23:57,571.051401 --> 00:24:00,301.051401 Like I'm a little panicky for her. 406 00:24:00,361.051401 --> 00:24:01,951.051401 Not so much for me right now. 407 00:24:03,51.051401 --> 00:24:04,731.051401 Anyway, so they get meals settled. 408 00:24:05,11.051401 --> 00:24:09,181.051401 Get the tarp up, all the things they bring my husband in, he sits up there with me. 409 00:24:09,521.051401 --> 00:24:12,461.051401 He did not look over that, that curtain at all. 410 00:24:13,61.051401 --> 00:24:13,961.051401 Not that I blame him. 411 00:24:13,991.051401 --> 00:24:16,31.051401 I think that would have been a little, a little much for him. 412 00:24:16,31.051401 --> 00:24:19,271.051401 And honestly, in retrospect, I think that was a really good decision. 413 00:24:20,201.051401 --> 00:24:22,741.051401 Because Of this next part of the story. 414 00:24:23,851.051401 --> 00:24:24,661.051401 So. 415 00:24:25,871.051401 --> 00:24:35,201.051401 The other thing about our daughter is, and we, we knew this, we knew she was like transverse, I guess she was not in the birthing position whatsoever. 416 00:24:35,411.051401 --> 00:24:37,271.051401 She was breached and transverse. 417 00:24:37,421.051401 --> 00:24:38,411.051401 So her head. 418 00:24:39,71.051401 --> 00:24:40,811.051401 It was like up near my right. 419 00:24:41,291.051401 --> 00:24:41,681.051401 Boob. 420 00:24:42,341.051401 --> 00:24:45,191.051401 Basically, she was nowhere near where she was supposed to be. 421 00:24:45,631.051401 --> 00:24:53,641.051401 So I remember I couldn't feel it, but I know that they were like massaging my belly, trying to get her to like go down. 422 00:24:54,361.051401 --> 00:24:54,991.051401 It was wild. 423 00:24:54,991.051401 --> 00:24:57,31.051401 It was like the weirdest sensation. 424 00:24:57,271.051401 --> 00:24:59,761.051401 But they are just working on that and. 425 00:25:00,841.051401 --> 00:25:01,981.051401 Make the incision. 426 00:25:02,11.051401 --> 00:25:05,71.051401 And however many minutes later it was, I don't know. 427 00:25:06,61.051401 --> 00:25:09,151.051401 They, they took her out and she was here. 428 00:25:09,721.051401 --> 00:25:13,741.051401 And I also remember, I think it was the anesthesiologist saying. 429 00:25:14,551.051401 --> 00:25:16,771.051401 If she is okay. 430 00:25:16,771.051401 --> 00:25:19,111.051401 And if all is good enough. 431 00:25:19,711.051401 --> 00:25:22,801.051401 We will bring her up to you, kind of put on your tasks. 432 00:25:22,831.051401 --> 00:25:38,321.051401 What will let you say hi to her really quick? Right? If she needs a little more work or she, if she needs a little more I don't even know what they said, but basically if she needed some more like care, urgent care, We're going to just take her right over to the little incubator and get her all situated. 433 00:25:40,121.051401 --> 00:25:44,171.051401 So when she came out, we didn't hear a cry right away. 434 00:25:44,171.051401 --> 00:25:48,641.051401 It was actually like, again, I don't know how long, at least maybe a minute or two until. 435 00:25:49,31.051401 --> 00:25:50,261.051401 We heard a cry and it was. 436 00:25:50,801.051401 --> 00:25:51,461.051401 The sweetest. 437 00:25:52,121.051401 --> 00:25:53,801.051401 Most Hopeless little cry. 438 00:25:54,321.051401 --> 00:25:56,541.051401 But they, they didn't bring her up to me. 439 00:25:56,541.051401 --> 00:25:59,421.051401 They took her right to the incubator and that's how I incubator. 440 00:25:59,451.051401 --> 00:26:03,751.051401 I don't know if that's the right word, by the way, whatever they took her to this little table to, to work on her. 441 00:26:04,321.051401 --> 00:26:08,491.051401 So I knew she was in enough of a dire state that. 442 00:26:10,771.051401 --> 00:26:13,971.051401 They needed to give her that urgent care before. 443 00:26:14,931.051401 --> 00:26:16,161.051401 Allowing me to see her. 444 00:26:17,91.051401 --> 00:26:18,51.051401 So. 445 00:26:18,921.051401 --> 00:26:21,891.051401 At that point, you know, there's a team working on her. 446 00:26:22,421.051401 --> 00:26:23,891.051401 They are stitching me up. 447 00:26:23,921.051401 --> 00:26:24,791.051401 They're working on me. 448 00:26:24,791.051401 --> 00:26:29,801.051401 And again, if you've had a C-section, you know, it's like the actual process of them taking them out. 449 00:26:30,521.051401 --> 00:26:36,221.051401 And like that birth is like quicker than it is to like, so you back up, like that takes a hot minute. 450 00:26:36,871.051401 --> 00:26:39,361.051401 And so they're, they're doing that at this point. 451 00:26:39,361.051401 --> 00:26:42,481.051401 I'm S I'm just happy she's out and I'm happy. 452 00:26:42,481.051401 --> 00:26:43,441.051401 She's alive. 453 00:26:43,471.051401 --> 00:26:45,811.051401 Like we did not know the extent to which. 454 00:26:47,401.051401 --> 00:26:48,811.051401 It was yet. 455 00:26:48,811.051401 --> 00:26:53,131.051401 So I can't say I was like in a lot of panic at this point. 456 00:26:53,651.051401 --> 00:26:55,91.051401 But I was on edge for sure. 457 00:26:55,91.051401 --> 00:26:59,711.051401 And so it was my husband, you know, we're just like, Hey, any updates? Like she, she, she good. 458 00:26:59,711.051401 --> 00:27:06,471.051401 What's going on? Um, doctor sort of like comes over to the side and again, I'm paraphrasing here. 459 00:27:06,471.051401 --> 00:27:07,281.051401 He was like, okay. 460 00:27:07,281.051401 --> 00:27:08,91.051401 So she's out. 461 00:27:08,931.051401 --> 00:27:09,861.051401 She's alive. 462 00:27:09,911.051401 --> 00:27:10,751.051401 She's. 463 00:27:11,771.051401 --> 00:27:14,741.051401 Incredibly pale, like, and. 464 00:27:15,701.051401 --> 00:27:16,991.051401 I mean, she was white as it goes. 465 00:27:16,991.051401 --> 00:27:18,41.051401 Do you guys like. 466 00:27:19,481.051401 --> 00:27:21,341.051401 Very I had absolutely no color. 467 00:27:21,891.051401 --> 00:27:27,141.051401 And, you know, whatever he had said to us, he basically was just like, we're going to take her to the NICU right now. 468 00:27:27,521.051401 --> 00:27:28,391.051401 So. 469 00:27:29,171.051401 --> 00:27:30,491.051401 I just liked that she was gone. 470 00:27:30,611.051401 --> 00:27:32,21.051401 I didn't see her. 471 00:27:32,111.051401 --> 00:27:33,921.051401 I didn't I had no contact with her. 472 00:27:35,751.051401 --> 00:27:43,311.051401 And I'm just going to like pause here really quick and say like, you know, I was really cautious not to get like married to any. 473 00:27:43,941.051401 --> 00:27:44,661.051401 Birth plan. 474 00:27:44,761.051401 --> 00:27:45,871.051401 Like I had hoped. 475 00:27:47,131.051401 --> 00:27:47,641.051401 It's funny. 476 00:27:47,641.051401 --> 00:27:53,851.051401 I, I had said to a lot of people, I was like, I almost don't care like how she comes out. 477 00:27:54,301.051401 --> 00:27:55,201.051401 I just want. 478 00:27:56,941.051401 --> 00:28:02,491.051401 Her birth to be like as peaceful and non traumatic as possible. 479 00:28:03,901.051401 --> 00:28:07,441.051401 Which the irony of it is not lost on me now. 480 00:28:07,811.051401 --> 00:28:10,151.051401 Because she had probably the most traumatic. 481 00:28:10,301.051401 --> 00:28:18,551.051401 I want to say the most dramatic, one of the words, one of the most traumatic, like ways to come out, having to just be like massaged out of me, just. 482 00:28:19,751.051401 --> 00:28:22,121.051401 You know, like ripped out before she was ready. 483 00:28:23,381.051401 --> 00:28:30,911.051401 Didn't get any like mommy or daddy bonding time before she was put into this like incubator and taken away from us. 484 00:28:30,911.051401 --> 00:28:34,421.051401 And she was just, it was like, You know, A parent's worst nightmare. 485 00:28:35,31.051401 --> 00:28:38,961.051401 So they're going to take her out and I was still, you know, getting stitched up. 486 00:28:38,991.051401 --> 00:28:42,981.051401 So they were like, you know, dad, if you want to come with us, you can, or whatever. 487 00:28:43,11.051401 --> 00:28:44,931.051401 I was like, babe, go, please go. 488 00:28:44,931.051401 --> 00:28:47,91.051401 Like, I want someone having eyes on her. 489 00:28:47,701.051401 --> 00:28:49,291.051401 I just want one of us there with her. 490 00:28:49,861.051401 --> 00:28:51,991.051401 And I can't be obviously, so please go. 491 00:28:52,261.051401 --> 00:28:52,801.051401 I'm good. 492 00:28:52,921.051401 --> 00:28:57,451.051401 So he goes, And They got me all situated. 493 00:28:58,171.051401 --> 00:29:05,611.051401 They wheel me out into this other kind of like recovery room where I had to be for a minimum of two hours. 494 00:29:06,341.051401 --> 00:29:08,21.051401 I hated this room so much. 495 00:29:08,51.051401 --> 00:29:09,11.051401 It was so. 496 00:29:10,121.051401 --> 00:29:12,641.051401 Does dark and unfriendly. 497 00:29:13,211.051401 --> 00:29:15,671.051401 It almost like, like it was a room, but it like. 498 00:29:16,61.051401 --> 00:29:18,941.051401 They also had weird, like, it almost felt like a storage closet. 499 00:29:18,971.051401 --> 00:29:20,891.051401 There was like a ladder and stuff over in the corner. 500 00:29:20,891.051401 --> 00:29:22,211.051401 It was like, it was so weird. 501 00:29:22,241.051401 --> 00:29:24,581.051401 You guys like, it was just really uncomfortable. 502 00:29:25,81.051401 --> 00:29:26,341.051401 It's very strange for a hospital. 503 00:29:27,181.051401 --> 00:29:31,571.051401 But And this, this nurse was kind of just like doing stuff on the computer. 504 00:29:31,871.051401 --> 00:29:38,861.051401 This was one of the nurses where I like, I liked her, but like, That's where I was like, can you do just a little more to like, Reassure me. 505 00:29:39,461.051401 --> 00:29:40,391.051401 It was just really weird. 506 00:29:40,391.051401 --> 00:29:41,981.051401 I just kind of sat there in silence with her. 507 00:29:41,981.051401 --> 00:29:43,811.051401 I had no idea what was going on with her. 508 00:29:43,841.051401 --> 00:29:45,11.051401 There was no updates. 509 00:29:45,431.051401 --> 00:29:48,161.051401 She, she could not and would not tell me anything. 510 00:29:48,551.051401 --> 00:29:50,51.051401 I think because she didn't even know. 511 00:29:50,691.051401 --> 00:29:55,911.051401 I felt so like just, so Helpless and alone and just. 512 00:29:57,51.051401 --> 00:30:02,121.051401 You know, you give birth to this sweet Soul this baby. 513 00:30:03,171.051401 --> 00:30:04,851.051401 And they're immediately taken from you. 514 00:30:05,841.051401 --> 00:30:08,181.051401 And then on top of it, you don't know what's going on. 515 00:30:08,631.051401 --> 00:30:11,811.051401 And if they're like fighting for their life, or if they're going to survive, like. 516 00:30:13,761.051401 --> 00:30:14,481.051401 It was, it was. 517 00:30:14,661.051401 --> 00:30:15,201.051401 It was horrible. 518 00:30:15,661.051401 --> 00:30:16,711.051401 So eventually. 519 00:30:17,131.051401 --> 00:30:18,331.051401 You know, she's kind of in and out. 520 00:30:18,331.051401 --> 00:30:19,651.051401 A couple of nurses are in and out. 521 00:30:19,921.051401 --> 00:30:20,731.051401 No, one's really. 522 00:30:21,631.051401 --> 00:30:22,471.051401 Telling me much. 523 00:30:23,51.051401 --> 00:30:24,851.051401 My husband comes back in. 524 00:30:25,361.051401 --> 00:30:27,401.051401 He is not looking well. 525 00:30:27,971.051401 --> 00:30:29,621.051401 He is looking like. 526 00:30:30,161.051401 --> 00:30:34,211.051401 Very pale too So I'm like now concern for him. 527 00:30:34,211.051401 --> 00:30:47,961.051401 I'm like, what is happening? Like what, what is going on? Like what went down? Like, are you okay? So I'm just going to apologize in advance because at this point, things were kind of like weirdly calm, but also chaotic. 528 00:30:47,991.051401 --> 00:30:49,311.051401 Like, I think more in my head. 529 00:30:50,1.051401 --> 00:30:50,931.051401 Than anything. 530 00:30:51,61.051401 --> 00:30:58,441.051401 And I cannot remember really like, Who gave me what information when I found things out and. 531 00:30:59,41.051401 --> 00:30:59,581.051401 All of that. 532 00:30:59,581.051401 --> 00:31:01,51.051401 It was a bit of a blur. 533 00:31:01,621.051401 --> 00:31:02,971.051401 Probably block some of it out too. 534 00:31:03,1.051401 --> 00:31:03,841.051401 If I'm being honest. 535 00:31:04,441.051401 --> 00:31:07,411.051401 But essentially I come to find out that she. 536 00:31:08,401.051401 --> 00:31:15,121.051401 Lost a significant amount of blood, which is why she was so pale, like white. 537 00:31:15,781.051401 --> 00:31:18,211.051401 She was severely, severely anemic. 538 00:31:18,751.051401 --> 00:31:20,821.051401 And she was going to need. 539 00:31:21,271.051401 --> 00:31:24,631.051401 Minimum one, if not more blood transfusions. 540 00:31:25,261.051401 --> 00:31:26,941.051401 Which they did. 541 00:31:27,811.051401 --> 00:31:28,861.051401 As quickly as they could. 542 00:31:28,931.051401 --> 00:31:31,841.051401 So I think like my husband had come back in. 543 00:31:32,741.051401 --> 00:31:35,621.051401 They at some point have been like, okay, she needs a transfusion. 544 00:31:35,621.051401 --> 00:31:36,491.051401 We're doing this. 545 00:31:36,491.051401 --> 00:31:41,651.051401 And I was like, wait, like who gave the consent for that? My husband is like, I signed the paper. 546 00:31:41,681.051401 --> 00:31:43,151.051401 Like we got it, we just had to do it. 547 00:31:43,151.051401 --> 00:31:43,781.051401 And I was like, okay. 548 00:31:43,811.051401 --> 00:31:44,141.051401 Okay. 549 00:31:44,561.051401 --> 00:31:46,271.051401 Whatever we need to do to keep her life. 550 00:31:46,811.051401 --> 00:31:51,221.051401 So they ended up actually doing two blood transfusions at this particular hospital in that NICU. 551 00:31:51,221.051401 --> 00:31:52,931.051401 So that process had been started. 552 00:31:53,441.051401 --> 00:31:56,651.051401 To help her get her blood back. 553 00:31:57,241.051401 --> 00:32:08,601.051401 And at some point, I think in this two hours of being in this room I think it was at some point during that time that we found out that she was going to possibly need to be transferred. 554 00:32:09,351.051401 --> 00:32:20,511.051401 They were on the phone with other like experts, which was comforting, but it was like, Whatever could happen to her was to the point where like they had not seen this before. 555 00:32:20,961.051401 --> 00:32:23,331.051401 At least at this hospital, it was like, like this. 556 00:32:23,421.051401 --> 00:32:24,201.051401 It was a crazy stuff. 557 00:32:24,561.051401 --> 00:32:28,761.051401 It's like, they were like, we're trying to figure out how this happened and what went wrong. 558 00:32:29,331.051401 --> 00:32:30,441.051401 You know, so. 559 00:32:31,191.051401 --> 00:32:34,641.051401 So she was preemie, right? Like she had typical primi. 560 00:32:35,151.051401 --> 00:32:35,511.051401 Issue. 561 00:32:35,511.051401 --> 00:32:37,251.051401 She was going to have typical preemie issues. 562 00:32:37,281.051401 --> 00:32:38,151.051401 There could have been like. 563 00:32:38,571.051401 --> 00:32:45,51.051401 You know, you know, developmental delays, like obviously her, her lungs weren't fully developed like digestive session. 564 00:32:45,51.051401 --> 00:32:47,691.051401 Like all of these things that a baby born early. 565 00:32:48,91.051401 --> 00:32:48,541.051401 Wood. 566 00:32:48,941.051401 --> 00:32:49,331.051401 Have. 567 00:32:50,191.051401 --> 00:32:55,120.2350745 Oh, real quick interruption here, and then we'll get back to this episode. 568 00:32:55,570.2350745 --> 00:33:00,610.2350745 If you were someone who was experiencing some form of loss and are trying to navigate the complexities of grief. 569 00:33:00,970.2350745 --> 00:33:04,540.2350745 Which you likely are in some capacity, if you've stumbled upon this podcast. 570 00:33:04,840.2350745 --> 00:33:06,790.2350745 Then this message is for you. 571 00:33:07,270.2350745 --> 00:33:10,840.2350745 If you haven't heard about my life with grief, membership and community yet. 572 00:33:11,110.2350745 --> 00:33:13,840.2350745 This is truly something that you need to check out. 573 00:33:14,230.2350745 --> 00:33:20,890.2350745 This membership is here to guide you into living a deeper, more meaningful and full life after experiencing loss. 574 00:33:21,280.2350745 --> 00:33:22,810.2350745 Who doesn't want that? Right. 575 00:33:23,260.2350745 --> 00:33:28,600.2350745 I created this membership because I know what it's like to navigate and cope with grief on a daily basis. 576 00:33:28,930.2350745 --> 00:33:32,140.2350745 And I know the tools and support it takes to do this effectively. 577 00:33:32,620.2350745 --> 00:33:36,910.2350745 I've done the work myself and I've coached people just like you to do the same. 578 00:33:37,410.2350745 --> 00:33:47,70.2350745 It comes down to having impactful, effective resources and tools at your disposal, having the right support around you from people who can understand and empathize with your grief. 579 00:33:47,550.2350745 --> 00:33:56,400.2350745 And having encouragement and inspiration around you consistently to not only elicit and spark change, but to keep it and keep the positive momentum going. 580 00:33:57,0.2350745 --> 00:34:01,830.2350745 Enrollment opens once a month for a limited time, check out the details, LinkedIn, the description. 581 00:34:01,950.2350745 --> 00:34:03,120.2350745 And I hope to see you in there. 582 00:34:03,530.2350745 --> 00:34:10,309.4187479 Oh, so the difference with Audrey with our daughter is that. 583 00:34:10,579.4187479 --> 00:34:16,159.4187479 And we actually did not find this out until later because you know, they're trying to figure out the source of this blood loss. 584 00:34:17,29.4187479 --> 00:34:18,349.4187479 And what we came to find out. 585 00:34:19,249.4187479 --> 00:34:23,149.4187479 Was that an I honestly, again, I don't totally understand this percentage. 586 00:34:23,179.4187479 --> 00:34:25,9.4187479 I'm going to share with you, but this is what I was told. 587 00:34:25,699.4187479 --> 00:34:30,319.4187479 Is that 120%? Of her fetal blood. 588 00:34:30,709.4187479 --> 00:34:32,389.4187479 Leaked into my. 589 00:34:33,229.4187479 --> 00:34:34,879.4187479 Into my blood, into my blood system. 590 00:34:36,819.4187479 --> 00:34:39,9.4187479 And what I'm about to say is not to be braggy. 591 00:34:39,9.4187479 --> 00:34:40,29.4187479 This is like a fact. 592 00:34:40,629.4187479 --> 00:34:44,109.4187479 We had one of the best neonatologist in all of California. 593 00:34:44,639.4187479 --> 00:34:47,309.4187479 Caring for her at one point later on in her NICU journey. 594 00:34:47,759.4187479 --> 00:34:50,459.4187479 And even he was like, I've basically. 595 00:34:50,549.4187479 --> 00:34:52,829.4187479 I've I've never really seen anything like this. 596 00:34:53,39.4187479 --> 00:34:54,209.4187479 We had the placenta. 597 00:34:55,179.4187479 --> 00:34:58,449.4187479 Sent out to see if there was any trauma to it. 598 00:34:58,839.4187479 --> 00:35:01,359.4187479 You know, we talked to the doctors who delivered. 599 00:35:01,749.4187479 --> 00:35:08,919.4187479 Archery and, you know, ask them like, did you, was there any trauma? Was there a lot of blood loss when there was nothing. 600 00:35:09,339.4187479 --> 00:35:11,19.4187479 There was nothing you guys that would. 601 00:35:12,729.4187479 --> 00:35:13,899.4187479 Like explain. 602 00:35:14,709.4187479 --> 00:35:19,779.4187479 W how this blood loss happened and where this came from, it is to this day, it's still a mystery. 603 00:35:21,879.4187479 --> 00:35:32,79.4187479 And it's like, You know, that's unsettling, especially because my husband is like, well, if we ever have another kid, is this going to happen again? Like we don't know. 604 00:35:32,139.4187479 --> 00:35:34,749.4187479 You know, we've spoken to doctors, we spoke to her. 605 00:35:35,949.4187479 --> 00:35:37,389.4187479 Pediatrician and stuff in. 606 00:35:37,929.4187479 --> 00:35:41,559.4187479 A lot of them are just like, there's no reason to think that this is going to happen again. 607 00:35:41,679.4187479 --> 00:35:45,579.4187479 This truthfully just seemed to be like, kind of a freak accident. 608 00:35:46,29.4187479 --> 00:35:48,879.4187479 To be honest, this is just like a really fluky thing. 609 00:35:49,749.4187479 --> 00:35:53,409.4187479 Which is like, Like we, we don't have any answers. 610 00:35:53,439.4187479 --> 00:35:54,459.4187479 We're not going to get any answers. 611 00:35:54,459.4187479 --> 00:35:59,259.4187479 Are you kidding? But they, they don't know, they still don't know what happened. 612 00:35:59,439.4187479 --> 00:36:00,459.4187479 All they could really. 613 00:36:00,939.4187479 --> 00:36:08,499.4187479 Eventually determine after all of this is like, You know, they, they, they don't know how the blood loss started to happen. 614 00:36:08,499.4187479 --> 00:36:12,129.4187479 They don't know when the leak from the placenta and all of that started. 615 00:36:12,339.4187479 --> 00:36:15,69.4187479 They don't know how, and they don't know what caused it. 616 00:36:15,519.4187479 --> 00:36:18,339.4187479 And it's they even said it's interesting because. 617 00:36:19,59.4187479 --> 00:36:22,209.4187479 There was, you know, if you're saying there was no trauma to you. 618 00:36:22,599.4187479 --> 00:36:28,179.4187479 Like what would cause blood loss like this is maybe like you were in a car accident or like you got hit somehow. 619 00:36:28,179.4187479 --> 00:36:29,649.4187479 Like really obviously. 620 00:36:30,639.4187479 --> 00:36:32,439.4187479 To, to kick that off. 621 00:36:32,739.4187479 --> 00:36:34,239.4187479 But if you didn't. 622 00:36:34,959.4187479 --> 00:36:38,439.4187479 Like we, we think this was probably a leak that had happened. 623 00:36:39,459.4187479 --> 00:36:41,649.4187479 But again, at what point we don't know. 624 00:36:42,149.4187479 --> 00:36:49,739.4187479 They just think it was probably happening slowly, which is probably why I was still feeling her kicking and stuff, but then like it kind of gradually stopped. 625 00:36:49,739.4187479 --> 00:36:52,889.4187479 It wasn't more like, okay, I had this traumatic event happen. 626 00:36:53,249.4187479 --> 00:36:55,919.4187479 And then like immediately after that, I felt her not moving. 627 00:36:56,369.4187479 --> 00:36:57,389.4187479 I didn't go down like that. 628 00:36:58,829.4187479 --> 00:36:59,129.4187479 So. 629 00:36:59,999.4187479 --> 00:37:00,719.4187479 Go figure. 630 00:37:01,289.4187479 --> 00:37:03,689.4187479 I've come to some form of terms with that. 631 00:37:03,689.4187479 --> 00:37:07,349.4187479 But at first that was like, What like you've got to be kidding. 632 00:37:08,679.4187479 --> 00:37:12,769.4187479 So yeah, so that evening she had. 633 00:37:13,639.4187479 --> 00:37:19,519.4187479 Two blood transfusions, but at some point during the afternoon evening, we were told that she. 634 00:37:20,119.4187479 --> 00:37:21,679.4187479 Again, we're we're in Northern California. 635 00:37:21,679.4187479 --> 00:37:28,39.4187479 So we at this particular hospital was about 45 minutes to an hour away from Oakland, California. 636 00:37:28,519.4187479 --> 00:37:32,179.4187479 Where it is the UCF Benioff children's hospital. 637 00:37:32,209.4187479 --> 00:37:33,979.4187479 It's one of the best in the country. 638 00:37:34,99.4187479 --> 00:37:34,729.4187479 Thank God. 639 00:37:35,129.4187479 --> 00:37:41,669.4187479 But they were like, you know, we are actually going to be transferring her there because we cannot give her the level of care that she needs here. 640 00:37:42,219.4187479 --> 00:37:43,959.4187479 She needs another transfusion. 641 00:37:43,959.4187479 --> 00:37:45,399.4187479 So this is transfusion number three. 642 00:37:46,209.4187479 --> 00:37:48,489.4187479 And she needs. 643 00:37:48,979.4187479 --> 00:37:51,199.4187479 Plasma and other blood matter. 644 00:37:52,69.4187479 --> 00:37:54,469.4187479 In this particular transfusion and we can't do that here. 645 00:37:55,249.4187479 --> 00:37:56,839.4187479 So she's going to have to go there. 646 00:37:58,279.4187479 --> 00:37:59,959.4187479 I was like, oh my God. 647 00:38:02,59.4187479 --> 00:38:10,109.4187479 What, how could this continue to get worse? And I can't remember, honestly, if I was told that before or after seeing her, I think. 648 00:38:10,589.4187479 --> 00:38:12,599.4187479 I think before seeing her for the first time. 649 00:38:12,599.4187479 --> 00:38:15,209.4187479 So basically they had me in this room, like I said, for a couple hours. 650 00:38:16,739.4187479 --> 00:38:18,239.4187479 They finally allowed me to see her. 651 00:38:18,869.4187479 --> 00:38:25,559.4187479 And obviously I'm in like a very delicate state at this point, having just had a C-section. 652 00:38:25,979.4187479 --> 00:38:26,909.4187479 An hour or two before. 653 00:38:27,539.4187479 --> 00:38:32,339.4187479 But they were like, if we can get you in a wheelchair, like they were also monitoring for pain too. 654 00:38:32,339.4187479 --> 00:38:33,779.4187479 They were like, how are you doing with your pain? And. 655 00:38:34,679.4187479 --> 00:38:37,79.4187479 Not to toot my own horn, but I think I have a pretty good. 656 00:38:37,619.4187479 --> 00:38:38,759.4187479 I have a pretty high pain tolerance. 657 00:38:38,789.4187479 --> 00:38:41,219.4187479 So I was like, get me to see my freaking baby. 658 00:38:42,209.4187479 --> 00:38:47,279.4187479 So managed to get me in a wheelchair and wheel Amanda, the NICU, I was able to see her. 659 00:38:47,339.4187479 --> 00:38:52,329.4187479 My husband had actually Had some photos and videos that either he actually couldn't even take them. 660 00:38:52,329.4187479 --> 00:38:56,979.4187479 He even told me when he came back in that room, he was like, I couldn't even really get near her. 661 00:38:57,9.4187479 --> 00:38:58,119.4187479 Like the doctors. 662 00:38:59,19.4187479 --> 00:39:00,849.4187479 Took these photos and videos and gave them to me. 663 00:39:00,879.4187479 --> 00:39:02,439.4187479 I was like, Oh, my God. 664 00:39:03,279.4187479 --> 00:39:05,229.4187479 So he showed me, so I knew what she looked like. 665 00:39:05,229.4187479 --> 00:39:05,829.4187479 I knew. 666 00:39:07,569.4187479 --> 00:39:13,359.4187479 What I was going to be looking at, going in there, but nothing can actually prepare you for seeing that in person. 667 00:39:13,599.4187479 --> 00:39:13,899.4187479 Right. 668 00:39:15,609.4187479 --> 00:39:17,589.4187479 So I look at her, I immediately start crying. 669 00:39:18,229.4187479 --> 00:39:21,409.4187479 It was like, Probably. 670 00:39:21,409.4187479 --> 00:39:23,659.4187479 I taught three worst moments of my life. 671 00:39:24,859.4187479 --> 00:39:30,999.4187479 And yeah, I just sat there, staring at her as, you know, as close as we could get, but like, she was just. 672 00:39:32,499.4187479 --> 00:39:34,359.4187479 So just hopeless, little being. 673 00:39:34,889.4187479 --> 00:39:38,939.4187479 I'll just, that's so many wires and tubes and the breathing. 674 00:39:40,49.4187479 --> 00:39:44,129.4187479 Apparatuses and just everything she needed to help her. 675 00:39:45,299.4187479 --> 00:39:46,499.4187479 Sustain life. 676 00:39:47,69.4187479 --> 00:39:54,529.4187479 So we were there for a while and then They were eventually getting ready to, they were like, okay, let's get you back to a room. 677 00:39:55,39.4187479 --> 00:39:59,329.4187479 We're doing these transfusions and then we're going to get her ready to go to be transferred. 678 00:40:00,709.4187479 --> 00:40:01,159.4187479 Oh, sorry. 679 00:40:01,489.4187479 --> 00:40:01,939.4187479 Oh my God. 680 00:40:01,939.4187479 --> 00:40:02,389.4187479 Okay. 681 00:40:02,389.4187479 --> 00:40:08,989.4187479 So once that was all determined, we were put into this other room. 682 00:40:09,539.4187479 --> 00:40:12,659.4187479 A much more like legitimate, nicer hospital room. 683 00:40:12,809.4187479 --> 00:40:18,479.4187479 And from there it was honestly all kind of a blur, but eventually it got to the point where they were getting ready to transfer her. 684 00:40:19,469.4187479 --> 00:40:20,369.4187479 Within minutes. 685 00:40:20,369.4187479 --> 00:40:24,239.4187479 So they were like, do you want to see her again before she, I was like, oh yeah. 686 00:40:24,359.4187479 --> 00:40:26,759.4187479 Obviously if I could be going with her, I would. 687 00:40:27,329.4187479 --> 00:40:31,19.4187479 And unfortunately my husband, they, they couldn't have anybody. 688 00:40:31,49.4187479 --> 00:40:32,249.4187479 Obviously I wasn't going anywhere. 689 00:40:32,279.4187479 --> 00:40:37,379.4187479 Just had a C-section, but my husband couldn't even go with them because there was no room in the. 690 00:40:37,889.4187479 --> 00:40:38,669.4187479 In the ambulance. 691 00:40:39,229.4187479 --> 00:40:41,509.4187479 But anyway, we, we saw her one last time. 692 00:40:42,919.4187479 --> 00:40:44,29.4187479 Very very emotional. 693 00:40:44,639.4187479 --> 00:40:45,659.4187479 They left with her. 694 00:40:46,409.4187479 --> 00:40:47,579.4187479 Going back to the room. 695 00:40:48,219.4187479 --> 00:40:51,369.4187479 They of course were like, you know, we will keep you updated along the way. 696 00:40:52,209.4187479 --> 00:40:58,779.4187479 And so we're in this room and I'm talking to my husband and I was like, I don't want to leave her there. 697 00:40:58,779.4187479 --> 00:41:01,899.4187479 Like, I don't want her going through this other transfusion, like. 698 00:41:02,649.4187479 --> 00:41:03,429.4187479 God forbid. 699 00:41:03,849.4187479 --> 00:41:07,179.4187479 Something worse happens here, or God forbid, this goes. 700 00:41:07,929.4187479 --> 00:41:09,99.4187479 Some other way. 701 00:41:09,679.4187479 --> 00:41:11,569.4187479 I want one of us there with her. 702 00:41:12,229.4187479 --> 00:41:13,309.4187479 And so. 703 00:41:13,909.4187479 --> 00:41:16,609.4187479 A little while later, my husband gets ready to leave. 704 00:41:16,699.4187479 --> 00:41:19,129.4187479 And this is like late at night at this point. 705 00:41:19,129.4187479 --> 00:41:20,569.4187479 Like, I can't honestly remember. 706 00:41:21,79.4187479 --> 00:41:24,529.4187479 Probably at least 10 or 11 at night, by the time all of this transpired. 707 00:41:25,699.4187479 --> 00:41:34,849.4187479 And So he goes and thank God, like my, my sister and brother-in-law were like already at this hospital before she even got there, which like, I'm so grateful for them. 708 00:41:34,849.4187479 --> 00:41:35,479.4187479 Just like. 709 00:41:36,289.4187479 --> 00:41:40,639.4187479 Again, just having some family there to like be there when she got there and everything. 710 00:41:40,639.4187479 --> 00:41:45,79.4187479 And then my husband's parents ended up going down as well. 711 00:41:45,79.4187479 --> 00:41:46,579.4187479 And so they were all there with him. 712 00:41:48,799.4187479 --> 00:41:51,469.4187479 I, she was getting this other transfusion and. 713 00:41:52,49.4187479 --> 00:41:54,269.4187479 Meanwhile, I am sitting in this hospital room. 714 00:41:54,689.4187479 --> 00:41:55,469.4187479 Completely alone. 715 00:41:56,699.4187479 --> 00:42:00,599.4187479 By myself, I'm at the mercy of whatever my husband is sending me. 716 00:42:01,499.4187479 --> 00:42:04,589.4187479 Photo and video and texting, calling wise. 717 00:42:04,649.4187479 --> 00:42:06,839.4187479 And just keeping me updated on everything. 718 00:42:08,729.4187479 --> 00:42:12,809.4187479 And this is just like a sidebar, but if anybody here. 719 00:42:13,859.4187479 --> 00:42:14,849.4187479 Is navigating. 720 00:42:15,329.4187479 --> 00:42:17,99.4187479 Life and parenthood. 721 00:42:17,549.4187479 --> 00:42:22,439.4187479 Without your parents or without at least a parent that you so desperately need. 722 00:42:25,199.4187479 --> 00:42:26,819.4187479 You know how hard this is. 723 00:42:26,879.4187479 --> 00:42:30,89.4187479 And this was in, this was a situation where. 724 00:42:30,929.4187479 --> 00:42:36,569.4187479 I was like, I never in the last, like three or four years of losing my parents, I never needed them more. 725 00:42:37,589.4187479 --> 00:42:38,279.4187479 In that moment. 726 00:42:38,309.4187479 --> 00:42:42,119.4187479 I just remember sitting there being like, God, I just need my mom and my dad. 727 00:42:43,979.4187479 --> 00:42:45,479.4187479 I just wish I had like anybody. 728 00:42:45,959.4187479 --> 00:42:48,779.4187479 But at the same time, I was like, I need to be alone. 729 00:42:49,109.4187479 --> 00:42:53,639.4187479 It was the weirdest sensation like, and my friends, even afterwards, they were like Arab soap. 730 00:42:54,119.4187479 --> 00:42:56,279.4187479 I feel so bad that you were there by yourself doing that. 731 00:42:56,309.4187479 --> 00:42:57,779.4187479 I was like, you guys it's okay. 732 00:42:57,779.4187479 --> 00:42:58,589.4187479 Like, I. 733 00:42:59,279.4187479 --> 00:43:00,569.4187479 I think I needed that. 734 00:43:01,199.4187479 --> 00:43:03,329.4187479 Aloneness in a weird way to process. 735 00:43:03,869.4187479 --> 00:43:06,209.4187479 Everything that had happened and everything that was going on. 736 00:43:07,349.4187479 --> 00:43:08,159.4187479 And I'll be honest. 737 00:43:08,159.4187479 --> 00:43:10,589.4187479 Like my parents are the only people I would have wanted. 738 00:43:11,489.4187479 --> 00:43:14,189.4187479 They're in the room with me, is that what's happening? So. 739 00:43:15,449.4187479 --> 00:43:17,829.4187479 Which I know they were in spirit, but Yeah. 740 00:43:17,859.4187479 --> 00:43:19,569.4187479 I didn't make it an easier. 741 00:43:21,339.4187479 --> 00:43:22,239.4187479 So. 742 00:43:23,229.4187479 --> 00:43:32,679.4187479 I'm going to speed this next part of the story up, because really that was like, The birth part that I just wanted to get out there and communicate with you all. 743 00:43:33,139.4187479 --> 00:43:34,159.4187479 In this process. 744 00:43:34,159.4187479 --> 00:43:42,209.4187479 And like I said, you know, just to wrap that part up and then I'll just, high-level explain sort of what all happened after this. 745 00:43:42,209.4187479 --> 00:43:42,689.4187479 Like. 746 00:43:44,399.4187479 --> 00:43:46,79.4187479 Listen to your freaking gut. 747 00:43:46,859.4187479 --> 00:43:48,509.4187479 Listen to your intuition. 748 00:43:48,539.4187479 --> 00:43:50,219.4187479 If something feels wrong. 749 00:43:50,939.4187479 --> 00:43:52,619.4187479 If something doesn't feel right. 750 00:43:54,29.4187479 --> 00:43:58,349.4187479 If, you know, in your heart, Something does not feel aligned. 751 00:43:59,459.4187479 --> 00:44:02,309.4187479 Or it is not sparking joy for you or, you know, this is. 752 00:44:03,59.4187479 --> 00:44:05,189.4187479 Birth and outside of birth, like. 753 00:44:06,239.4187479 --> 00:44:06,989.4187479 Speak up. 754 00:44:08,69.4187479 --> 00:44:08,999.4187479 Don't question it. 755 00:44:09,719.4187479 --> 00:44:10,319.4187479 Go with it. 756 00:44:10,769.4187479 --> 00:44:18,839.4187479 You know, because I think the, the scariest part about this whole experience. 757 00:44:20,279.4187479 --> 00:44:24,869.4187479 Is that many, many nurses that day, that day I gave birth. 758 00:44:25,529.4187479 --> 00:44:33,119.4187479 And in every single NICU she was in after, because I'll just, again, I'll, high-level explain sort of what happened next, but she was in. 759 00:44:33,779.4187479 --> 00:44:35,429.4187479 Three different Nikki's after this. 760 00:44:35,949.4187479 --> 00:44:39,219.4187479 Doctors and nurses had all told me in their own respective ways. 761 00:44:39,219.4187479 --> 00:44:41,379.4187479 Like had you waited. 762 00:44:43,89.4187479 --> 00:44:44,439.4187479 Even a day more. 763 00:44:45,939.4187479 --> 00:44:47,289.4187479 She would not be here right now. 764 00:44:49,399.4187479 --> 00:44:55,179.4187479 Like, how do you process that as a new parent, as a new mom? One of them very specifically. 765 00:44:55,369.4187479 --> 00:45:00,769.4187479 Doctor the neonatologist, he was like, if you had waited, even until Sunday, She would have died. 766 00:45:01,639.4187479 --> 00:45:04,279.4187479 Like he, his bedside manner was, was. 767 00:45:06,349.4187479 --> 00:45:08,509.4187479 He was a little more intense than some of the other nurses. 768 00:45:08,509.4187479 --> 00:45:10,609.4187479 A lot of the other nurses were just like, it's such a good thing. 769 00:45:10,639.4187479 --> 00:45:11,869.4187479 You came in when you did. 770 00:45:12,649.4187479 --> 00:45:13,759.4187479 Great job mama. 771 00:45:13,759.4187479 --> 00:45:17,179.4187479 Like you listened to your heart and your gut when you knew something wasn't right. 772 00:45:17,179.4187479 --> 00:45:19,879.4187479 Like this could have been a much sadder outcome. 773 00:45:19,879.4187479 --> 00:45:20,269.4187479 Like. 774 00:45:22,339.4187479 --> 00:45:23,119.4187479 No pressure. 775 00:45:23,149.4187479 --> 00:45:23,569.4187479 Right. 776 00:45:25,49.4187479 --> 00:45:26,909.4187479 So that's, it's just wild. 777 00:45:26,909.4187479 --> 00:45:28,379.4187479 It's really wild to think about. 778 00:45:29,9.4187479 --> 00:45:33,479.4187479 How differently this could have gone and how differently this does go. 779 00:45:33,929.4187479 --> 00:45:35,579.4187479 For so many parents. 780 00:45:35,939.4187479 --> 00:45:36,599.4187479 Out there. 781 00:45:38,219.4187479 --> 00:45:39,509.4187479 I was just, just breaks my heart. 782 00:45:40,79.418748 --> 00:45:41,789.418748 Now, especially being in this position. 783 00:45:41,819.418748 --> 00:45:46,799.418748 I mean, it broke my heart before it became a mom, but now like, Being on the side of it. 784 00:45:48,149.418748 --> 00:45:50,549.418748 Whole nother whole nother meeting. 785 00:45:50,879.418748 --> 00:45:51,359.418748 To that. 786 00:45:51,959.418748 --> 00:45:52,739.418748 So. 787 00:45:53,369.418748 --> 00:45:54,329.418748 Next day. 788 00:45:54,809.418748 --> 00:45:57,479.418748 Very very long story short, you know, she's. 789 00:45:58,199.418748 --> 00:46:01,289.418748 The blood transfusion went well, my husband was here throughout all of that. 790 00:46:01,739.418748 --> 00:46:03,599.418748 She was, she was stable. 791 00:46:03,629.418748 --> 00:46:04,829.418748 She was okay. 792 00:46:05,529.418748 --> 00:46:10,699.418748 She was not well they, they use the word sick a lot, which I really didn't like. 793 00:46:10,729.418748 --> 00:46:12,919.418748 They were like, you know, she's a very sick baby. 794 00:46:13,289.418748 --> 00:46:14,909.418748 She's very unwell and. 795 00:46:15,149.418748 --> 00:46:17,459.418748 I was like, oh, I just hate that word. 796 00:46:17,459.418748 --> 00:46:23,579.418748 Like, I knew that, but like, can we, can we come up with a different word for it? But I was. 797 00:46:24,539.418748 --> 00:46:26,339.418748 Miraculously discharged. 798 00:46:26,789.418748 --> 00:46:30,9.418748 That following day that evening it was, it was late. 799 00:46:30,9.418748 --> 00:46:36,129.418748 Cause they, they basically, I spent that whole Sunday, you know, they were like, you got to eat, please eat. 800 00:46:36,559.418748 --> 00:46:37,789.418748 Work on pumping. 801 00:46:37,819.418748 --> 00:46:39,259.418748 They were like already trying to get me. 802 00:46:39,589.418748 --> 00:46:46,39.418748 Pumping and everything and trying to get me to, you know, to get my milk to come in because they were like, she's going to need. 803 00:46:46,759.418748 --> 00:46:50,509.418748 Every bit of colostrum, which is like initial milk or right. 804 00:46:50,509.418748 --> 00:46:51,199.418748 That comes out. 805 00:46:51,229.418748 --> 00:46:52,339.418748 That is liquid gold. 806 00:46:52,889.418748 --> 00:47:02,399.418748 She is going to be having that eventually, like she was on something else as far as like getting nutrition at that point, but they were like, you know, she's going to need all that classroom mom. 807 00:47:02,399.418748 --> 00:47:05,939.418748 So like, Get pumping, get going with all of this. 808 00:47:06,139.418748 --> 00:47:07,639.418748 But anyway, that was, that was Sunday. 809 00:47:07,669.418748 --> 00:47:09,649.418748 It was just like getting my energy back up. 810 00:47:09,709.418748 --> 00:47:14,119.418748 They always, they want to make sure you can like go to the bathroom by yourself X amount of times. 811 00:47:14,509.418748 --> 00:47:15,949.418748 You have to have a certain amount of bowel movements. 812 00:47:15,959.418748 --> 00:47:17,879.418748 And they're ultimately managing your pain to. 813 00:47:18,299.418748 --> 00:47:19,79.418748 And making sure. 814 00:47:19,649.418748 --> 00:47:24,739.418748 You, you can manage your pain before you're discharged And they were like, well, You're doing well. 815 00:47:24,739.418748 --> 00:47:28,219.418748 So, and I know you're dying to see your baby, so let's get you out of here. 816 00:47:28,969.418748 --> 00:47:29,539.418748 So they did. 817 00:47:30,119.418748 --> 00:47:33,689.418748 And at some point during that day, my husband like went back to our house. 818 00:47:33,689.418748 --> 00:47:34,799.418748 We switched cars. 819 00:47:35,229.418748 --> 00:47:36,729.418748 We didn't have a car seat or anything, or. 820 00:47:36,969.418748 --> 00:47:38,799.418748 We were still very much not ready for her. 821 00:47:39,119.418748 --> 00:47:45,629.418748 If you are watching this on the video version, like I am in her nursery now, but like this was not at all prepared. 822 00:47:46,49.418748 --> 00:47:46,949.418748 We thought we had time. 823 00:47:47,999.418748 --> 00:47:49,109.418748 So Yeah. 824 00:47:49,139.418748 --> 00:47:50,909.418748 And then they go back. 825 00:47:50,939.418748 --> 00:47:53,399.418748 I got discharged and we headed down to Oakland. 826 00:47:54,89.418748 --> 00:47:57,69.418748 And that night we so basically. 827 00:47:57,489.418748 --> 00:47:59,949.418748 Throughout her time at Benioff. 828 00:48:00,59.418748 --> 00:48:02,939.418748 We stayed at Airbnb for like the first. 829 00:48:03,689.418748 --> 00:48:05,789.418748 Maybe three, four days or so. 830 00:48:06,309.418748 --> 00:48:09,579.418748 On the last night they arranged housing for us, which. 831 00:48:10,629.418748 --> 00:48:11,559.418748 It was interesting. 832 00:48:12,159.418748 --> 00:48:12,879.418748 Without going into lots. 833 00:48:13,179.418748 --> 00:48:14,79.418748 Detail on that. 834 00:48:14,719.418748 --> 00:48:16,729.418748 But thankfully she was there. 835 00:48:16,729.418748 --> 00:48:18,949.418748 I don't even know how many days she was there to be very honest with you. 836 00:48:18,949.418748 --> 00:48:20,509.418748 I think like five or six days. 837 00:48:20,629.418748 --> 00:48:21,289.418748 And she. 838 00:48:23,119.418748 --> 00:48:23,749.418748 Made. 839 00:48:24,859.418748 --> 00:48:26,209.418748 I'm so grateful to say this. 840 00:48:26,209.418748 --> 00:48:29,119.418748 She made a miraculous turnaround. 841 00:48:29,639.418748 --> 00:48:30,359.418748 Every day. 842 00:48:31,19.418748 --> 00:48:31,889.418748 She got better. 843 00:48:32,699.418748 --> 00:48:35,309.418748 Every day, she was getting better color. 844 00:48:36,479.418748 --> 00:48:38,249.418748 Heart rate blood pressure. 845 00:48:39,119.418748 --> 00:48:43,349.418748 Just all the, all of the things that they were watching, just continue to improve. 846 00:48:43,869.418748 --> 00:48:44,679.418748 I want a hundred. 847 00:48:44,979.418748 --> 00:48:46,449.418748 Thousand million percent. 848 00:48:47,119.418748 --> 00:48:49,519.418748 Feel that my. 849 00:48:50,389.418748 --> 00:48:53,749.418748 Mom and dad and guardians and angels. 850 00:48:53,749.418748 --> 00:48:54,79.418748 And. 851 00:48:54,799.418748 --> 00:48:55,789.418748 All of the beautiful. 852 00:48:56,509.418748 --> 00:48:57,49.418748 Things. 853 00:48:58,69.418748 --> 00:49:02,449.418748 And people were looking out for her and for us during that time, I really do feel bad. 854 00:49:02,969.418748 --> 00:49:05,279.418748 I definitely feel like I felt my parents' presence. 855 00:49:05,759.418748 --> 00:49:06,989.418748 Throughout a lot of that. 856 00:49:07,359.418748 --> 00:49:08,679.418748 Especially in the NICU. 857 00:49:09,269.418748 --> 00:49:13,349.418748 Had again, just amazing medical team like that hospital is unreal. 858 00:49:13,979.418748 --> 00:49:17,369.418748 I feel very fortunate that, that she got a place there. 859 00:49:17,789.418748 --> 00:49:19,199.418748 When she so desperately needed it. 860 00:49:19,499.418748 --> 00:49:22,739.418748 And So she was there for a while. 861 00:49:22,859.418748 --> 00:49:27,659.418748 Like several days, like I mentioned, and then they were like, okay, well, She's. 862 00:49:29,189.418748 --> 00:49:30,179.418748 Much better. 863 00:49:30,599.418748 --> 00:49:34,619.418748 She's getting to the point where she doesn't need our level of care anymore. 864 00:49:34,619.418748 --> 00:49:39,539.418748 So we feel comfortable transferring her to another NICU, which was in the same. 865 00:49:40,79.418748 --> 00:49:48,29.418748 Like chain of hospitals of where she was born, but it was a different location because there, Nikki was like a step above. 866 00:49:48,869.418748 --> 00:49:50,369.418748 The one where we gave birth at. 867 00:49:50,369.418748 --> 00:49:54,749.418748 So they were like, we don't feel quite comfortable sending her back there, but we'll send you to this other hospital. 868 00:49:55,469.418748 --> 00:49:57,839.418748 Which for us was an hour. 869 00:49:58,739.418748 --> 00:50:00,509.418748 There and back from where we lived. 870 00:50:00,899.418748 --> 00:50:02,729.418748 So we were like, okay. 871 00:50:03,239.418748 --> 00:50:04,319.418748 I'll figure this one out. 872 00:50:04,899.418748 --> 00:50:06,309.418748 So she was transferred there. 873 00:50:06,309.418748 --> 00:50:06,969.418748 She was there. 874 00:50:07,329.418748 --> 00:50:07,809.418748 For. 875 00:50:08,979.418748 --> 00:50:09,999.418748 Quite a few days. 876 00:50:10,49.418748 --> 00:50:11,99.418748 It hadn't been overwhelming. 877 00:50:11,609.418748 --> 00:50:12,29.418748 Totally. 878 00:50:12,659.418748 --> 00:50:16,19.418748 Blanked on all the details of this now, to be honest with you, but she was there for. 879 00:50:16,949.418748 --> 00:50:17,579.418748 Quite a few days. 880 00:50:18,169.418748 --> 00:50:22,99.418748 And each and every day we, we didn't end up getting an Airbnb for that place. 881 00:50:22,99.418748 --> 00:50:24,799.418748 So we just really wanted to be home at that point. 882 00:50:25,319.418748 --> 00:50:28,849.418748 But, you know, we weren't necessarily like allowed to just like sleep there. 883 00:50:29,299.418748 --> 00:50:29,989.418748 And stay there. 884 00:50:30,289.418748 --> 00:50:31,909.418748 There was no place for us to do that. 885 00:50:31,969.418748 --> 00:50:36,829.418748 But she was also stabilizing and getting stronger to a place where we were like, okay, I think we can. 886 00:50:37,489.418748 --> 00:50:38,629.418748 Go home each night. 887 00:50:39,379.418748 --> 00:50:45,919.418748 And be more comfortable because frankly, we were so uncomfortable those first five or six days, like it was. 888 00:50:46,999.418748 --> 00:50:47,659.418748 It was rough. 889 00:50:47,689.418748 --> 00:50:51,679.418748 And then, you know, again, anybody who's ever recovered from a C-section like. 890 00:50:52,339.418748 --> 00:50:52,969.418748 You. 891 00:50:53,749.418748 --> 00:50:55,759.418748 Need and want to be comfortable. 892 00:50:56,199.418748 --> 00:50:58,749.418748 I was waking up constantly to pump. 893 00:50:59,79.418748 --> 00:51:01,839.418748 I had shakes and shivers and stuff. 894 00:51:01,869.418748 --> 00:51:04,179.418748 Like my body temperature was all messed up. 895 00:51:04,209.418748 --> 00:51:04,569.418748 Like. 896 00:51:05,259.418748 --> 00:51:07,569.418748 And, you know, it was interesting. 897 00:51:08,49.418748 --> 00:51:18,699.418748 I have to say there was like some weird blessing in disguise with this whole situation and not, you know, for, for a lot of women, for most women that might have a C-section. 898 00:51:19,299.418748 --> 00:51:20,139.418748 A lot of the time. 899 00:51:20,389.418748 --> 00:51:24,859.418748 You know, they do tell you to like, make sure and like kind of be up and, you know, don't necessarily. 900 00:51:25,489.418748 --> 00:51:26,719.418748 At least this is what I was told you. 901 00:51:26,719.418748 --> 00:51:29,299.418748 Don't don't feel the need to be like totally bedridden. 902 00:51:29,839.418748 --> 00:51:33,139.418748 It's good that you're moving, but I almost feel like I was moving. 903 00:51:33,709.418748 --> 00:51:37,69.418748 Almost more than I should have, or like more than I normally would have. 904 00:51:37,519.418748 --> 00:51:43,759.418748 Like more than I normally like had to, because we were going to see her every day. 905 00:51:44,509.418748 --> 00:51:45,169.418748 And. 906 00:51:46,579.418748 --> 00:51:48,289.418748 That took a lot of energy and that took a lot. 907 00:51:48,529.418748 --> 00:51:51,439.418748 Out of me, but I had, you know, Walk. 908 00:51:51,919.418748 --> 00:51:52,489.418748 Somewhat. 909 00:51:53,119.418748 --> 00:51:55,159.418748 A lot and get in and out of the car and things. 910 00:51:55,159.418748 --> 00:51:59,809.418748 And we, you know, Kept me in a wheelchair going up and down and everything. 911 00:51:59,809.418748 --> 00:52:03,259.418748 And then Nikki, as much as we could, but like, You know, it was a lot of movement. 912 00:52:03,709.418748 --> 00:52:04,99.418748 Four. 913 00:52:04,519.418748 --> 00:52:06,889.418748 Someone who just had major abdominal surgery. 914 00:52:06,889.418748 --> 00:52:07,249.418748 So. 915 00:52:07,999.418748 --> 00:52:13,429.418748 That whole, I won't even get into all of that, but that whole situation was like a recovery in and of itself. 916 00:52:13,459.418748 --> 00:52:14,539.418748 But I have to say. 917 00:52:15,169.418748 --> 00:52:16,609.418748 I almost feel like. 918 00:52:17,449.418748 --> 00:52:20,629.418748 This whole situation helped me recover from that. 919 00:52:20,839.418748 --> 00:52:23,599.418748 I don't even want to say quicker, but just like differently. 920 00:52:24,49.418748 --> 00:52:26,599.418748 Then I would have otherwise. 921 00:52:26,929.418748 --> 00:52:30,169.418748 Which looking back was kind of a weird blessing. 922 00:52:30,769.418748 --> 00:52:31,489.418748 In all of this. 923 00:52:32,269.418748 --> 00:52:35,259.418748 But yeah, so she was at that NICU for awhile. 924 00:52:36,99.418748 --> 00:52:37,749.418748 And we were going back and forth every day. 925 00:52:37,749.418748 --> 00:52:40,29.418748 Like I said, it was, it was exhausting. 926 00:52:40,809.418748 --> 00:52:41,919.418748 It was very exhausting. 927 00:52:41,949.418748 --> 00:52:44,559.418748 We were wiped every single day and just. 928 00:52:45,279.418748 --> 00:52:50,979.418748 If you've been in a NICU or you work in one, or you were a parent of a NICU baby, like. 929 00:52:51,849.418748 --> 00:52:54,279.418748 They can be exhausting to be in, in general. 930 00:52:54,279.418748 --> 00:52:59,799.418748 And, you know, you're, it's just emotionally exhausting and taxing, like watching your sweet baby, like. 931 00:53:00,519.418748 --> 00:53:02,859.418748 Trying to fight for their life a little bit. 932 00:53:03,579.418748 --> 00:53:06,579.418748 There's a lot of helplessness that you feel with that. 933 00:53:06,609.418748 --> 00:53:08,619.418748 But also a lot of hope at the same time. 934 00:53:09,9.418748 --> 00:53:11,859.418748 And then there's all these other sweet little babies around that. 935 00:53:12,669.418748 --> 00:53:18,129.418748 Are also in a tough state right now and are also not really well. 936 00:53:18,129.418748 --> 00:53:22,59.418748 And there was one time at that second NICU that. 937 00:53:22,509.418748 --> 00:53:25,239.418748 There was an emergency C-section that had to happen. 938 00:53:25,239.418748 --> 00:53:27,729.418748 And then they were like prepping. 939 00:53:27,789.418748 --> 00:53:29,799.418748 There was just a lot of chaos kind of going on. 940 00:53:30,119.418748 --> 00:53:31,79.418748 To bring this baby. 941 00:53:31,79.418748 --> 00:53:35,219.418748 And it was very much like probably how it was with Audrey when she was born in. 942 00:53:35,859.418748 --> 00:53:40,119.418748 We could sense the baby was going to be coming in and it was coming and I was holding Audrey at this point. 943 00:53:40,809.418748 --> 00:53:43,959.418748 And my husband literally was like, I can't be here for this. 944 00:53:43,989.418748 --> 00:53:46,89.418748 Like, I think I'm going to step out. 945 00:53:46,119.418748 --> 00:53:48,279.418748 Is that okay? I was like, yeah, of course, like. 946 00:53:49,119.418748 --> 00:53:52,299.418748 You know, it was very fresh for us to all, even though she was doing better. 947 00:53:52,899.418748 --> 00:53:54,249.418748 And I was so grateful for that. 948 00:53:54,249.418748 --> 00:53:56,619.418748 Like, It's very traumatizing. 949 00:53:57,249.418748 --> 00:53:58,569.418748 To be very honest with you. 950 00:53:58,689.418748 --> 00:54:01,389.418748 So he had to step out for like a while, because he did not want to see. 951 00:54:01,989.418748 --> 00:54:02,859.418748 You don't want to see that. 952 00:54:02,959.418748 --> 00:54:03,559.418748 I don't blame him. 953 00:54:04,909.418748 --> 00:54:05,629.418748 So. 954 00:54:06,499.418748 --> 00:54:06,799.418748 Yeah. 955 00:54:06,829.418748 --> 00:54:08,659.418748 So she was at that Nike for awhile. 956 00:54:09,79.418748 --> 00:54:14,89.418748 They eventually came to tell us, like, all right, She's not quite ready to go home. 957 00:54:16,189.418748 --> 00:54:21,949.418748 We're going to transfer her back to the original hospital that she was at just to, you know, really. 958 00:54:22,519.418748 --> 00:54:24,19.418748 Get her all good. 959 00:54:24,19.418748 --> 00:54:25,519.418748 Ready to go home for you guys. 960 00:54:25,519.418748 --> 00:54:29,899.418748 They wanted us to be able to like, you know, I needed to be able to breastfeed her properly. 961 00:54:30,589.418748 --> 00:54:38,319.418748 Bottle-feed her properly because she had to get these this formulated breast milk to help her gain weight and get extra nutrients and all the things. 962 00:54:38,739.418748 --> 00:54:43,479.418748 We actually, as of the time of this recording, just now finished all of that with her. 963 00:54:43,999.418748 --> 00:54:45,859.418748 You know, there's a lot of followups. 964 00:54:45,889.418748 --> 00:54:50,269.418748 At least in the hospital system, we were in, at least in California, like there's a lot. 965 00:54:50,899.418748 --> 00:54:53,59.418748 A lot of followups with Nikki babies. 966 00:54:53,579.418748 --> 00:55:04,349.418748 And her specifically because of the blood loss and a lot of the blood things that happened with her, like she had to have MRIs, they found a couple of spots in her brain that were. 967 00:55:05,369.418748 --> 00:55:13,229.418748 I'm not going to say concerning, but like they wanted to keep an eye on because she, you know, that was the most concerning part about her whole journey. 968 00:55:13,229.418748 --> 00:55:13,829.418748 Is that. 969 00:55:14,409.418748 --> 00:55:17,229.418748 And this is kind of what differentiated her from other NICU. 970 00:55:17,649.418748 --> 00:55:18,519.418748 Babies hurt. 971 00:55:18,579.418748 --> 00:55:21,369.418748 At least in her little, her little journey with it. 972 00:55:21,369.418748 --> 00:55:26,679.418748 You know, each one is unique and important in their own way, but she. 973 00:55:27,239.418748 --> 00:55:34,379.418748 You know, because she had such blood loss, like that meant a lack of oxygen to everything, to vital organs. 974 00:55:34,409.418748 --> 00:55:38,519.418748 And so they had to continue monitoring and we'll continue monitoring that. 975 00:55:39,119.418748 --> 00:55:40,559.418748 She's going to be okay. 976 00:55:40,619.418748 --> 00:55:49,739.418748 And that you know, that, that doesn't have long-term effects and it's scary because you know, she's doing incredible right now and we have no reason to believe that she's not going to be okay, but. 977 00:55:50,339.418748 --> 00:55:52,679.418748 You know, The doctors were very honest with us. 978 00:55:52,679.418748 --> 00:55:54,269.418748 They were like, you know, there's a lot. 979 00:55:54,269.418748 --> 00:55:55,679.418748 We're not going to know until she's older. 980 00:55:56,789.418748 --> 00:55:58,829.418748 So we're like, cool, great. 981 00:55:59,909.418748 --> 00:56:01,439.418748 So happy to hear that. 982 00:56:01,619.418748 --> 00:56:02,9.418748 Like. 983 00:56:02,729.418748 --> 00:56:04,79.418748 Great more unknowns. 984 00:56:04,169.418748 --> 00:56:04,649.418748 But. 985 00:56:05,489.418748 --> 00:56:07,739.418748 At first, that was really, that was really worrying. 986 00:56:07,899.418748 --> 00:56:08,169.418748 But. 987 00:56:10,179.418748 --> 00:56:12,639.418748 You know, day by day with all of this. 988 00:56:12,759.418748 --> 00:56:13,449.418748 So. 989 00:56:14,709.418748 --> 00:56:15,369.418748 She. 990 00:56:16,209.418748 --> 00:56:19,779.418748 Spent 18 days and all of these Nikki's combine. 991 00:56:20,919.418748 --> 00:56:23,169.418748 Longest 18 days of our life. 992 00:56:23,949.418748 --> 00:56:28,389.418748 It was such a learning experience. 993 00:56:28,419.418748 --> 00:56:30,39.418748 I cannot even tell you. 994 00:56:31,659.418748 --> 00:56:34,29.418748 We learned a lot about. 995 00:56:35,79.418748 --> 00:56:35,589.418748 Babies. 996 00:56:36,729.418748 --> 00:56:43,239.418748 And bringing life into this world, we learned a lot about ourselves. 997 00:56:44,379.418748 --> 00:56:46,149.418748 We learned a lot about each other. 998 00:56:46,149.418748 --> 00:56:51,519.418748 I mean, this is like a very serious test of a marriage of a relationship. 999 00:56:52,189.418748 --> 00:56:53,299.418748 And how. 1000 00:56:54,709.418748 --> 00:57:02,989.418748 We each manage stress and sadness and grief because although, and, you know, I talk about this all the time. 1001 00:57:03,19.418748 --> 00:57:12,19.418748 Grief is not necessarily the loss of a loved one, right? Like there was a lot of things we had to grieve throughout this process that we're still kind of grieving, like. 1002 00:57:12,619.418748 --> 00:57:14,389.4187479 Me specifically, like having. 1003 00:57:15,289.418748 --> 00:57:16,969.418748 A quote-unquote normal. 1004 00:57:17,569.4187479 --> 00:57:18,679.418748 Birth experience. 1005 00:57:18,739.4187479 --> 00:57:19,249.418748 I. 1006 00:57:20,29.418748 --> 00:57:22,819.4187479 Thought I would give birth vaginally. 1007 00:57:23,239.4187479 --> 00:57:25,609.4187479 I was like, kind of up in the air with the epidural. 1008 00:57:25,609.4187479 --> 00:57:26,989.4187479 I was like, yeah, we'll see what happens. 1009 00:57:27,529.418748 --> 00:57:27,919.418748 This. 1010 00:57:28,519.4187479 --> 00:57:30,109.4187479 Could not have been anywhere. 1011 00:57:31,99.418748 --> 00:57:33,139.418748 Further away from what I envisioned. 1012 00:57:33,199.4187479 --> 00:57:35,179.418748 So there's that. 1013 00:57:36,349.4187479 --> 00:57:43,399.4187479 You know, that feeling of being a mom and having your baby placed on your chest right after they're born. 1014 00:57:44,239.4187479 --> 00:57:45,109.4187479 Didn't get that. 1015 00:57:45,799.4187479 --> 00:57:47,359.4187479 That was very much robbed. 1016 00:57:47,959.418748 --> 00:57:49,669.418748 I had the polar opposite of that. 1017 00:57:50,299.4187479 --> 00:57:58,979.4187479 And just so many little things along the way that we just had, you know, We had to cope with The first two, three weeks of her life. 1018 00:57:59,249.4187479 --> 00:58:00,509.4187479 Did not look at all. 1019 00:58:00,989.4187479 --> 00:58:01,919.4187479 Like we thought it would. 1020 00:58:02,849.4187479 --> 00:58:03,899.4187479 And we felt very. 1021 00:58:04,349.4187479 --> 00:58:07,619.4187479 Robbed of a peaceful. 1022 00:58:07,979.4187479 --> 00:58:10,229.4187479 Beautiful homecoming week. 1023 00:58:10,229.4187479 --> 00:58:10,739.4187479 We got that. 1024 00:58:10,739.4187479 --> 00:58:11,249.4187479 Eventually. 1025 00:58:11,249.4187479 --> 00:58:21,899.4187479 I want to acknowledge that like, And we felt so whole and fulfilled when we got to bring her home, but it was not in the quote usual way. 1026 00:58:22,409.4187479 --> 00:58:27,29.4187479 Our journey looked very different just as it does for so many NICU parents out there. 1027 00:58:27,779.4187479 --> 00:58:33,59.4187479 So, you know, without going on and on, there's just a lot of things that we had to. 1028 00:58:34,259.4187479 --> 00:58:37,49.4187479 Just resign ourselves to along the way. 1029 00:58:37,49.4187479 --> 00:58:39,569.4187479 And like I said, grieve and acknowledge and. 1030 00:58:40,919.4187479 --> 00:58:41,579.4187479 And deal with. 1031 00:58:41,579.4187479 --> 00:58:43,379.4187479 And so it really was. 1032 00:58:44,369.4187479 --> 00:58:48,239.4187479 I talk about grief as like a day to day, moment by moment thing. 1033 00:58:48,269.4187479 --> 00:58:48,569.4187479 But. 1034 00:58:49,259.4187479 --> 00:58:50,189.4187479 I I've. 1035 00:58:51,359.4187479 --> 00:58:55,499.4187479 This experience really? Refresh to that for me. 1036 00:58:56,9.4187479 --> 00:58:56,519.4187479 And. 1037 00:58:57,659.4187479 --> 00:58:58,619.4187479 Made me. 1038 00:58:59,549.4187479 --> 00:59:03,989.4187479 Really realize like how much I truly mean that when I say. 1039 00:59:04,409.4187479 --> 00:59:08,579.4187479 That with a lot of this and this anticipatory grief. 1040 00:59:08,579.4187479 --> 00:59:13,109.4187479 And you know, if we're really living on edge, if maybe we have a loved one or something that is not well. 1041 00:59:13,439.4187479 --> 00:59:17,369.4187479 And we are seeing them decline or we're seeing them in peril right in front of us. 1042 00:59:17,369.4187479 --> 00:59:17,669.4187479 Like. 1043 00:59:19,249.4187479 --> 00:59:20,389.4187479 Coping with that. 1044 00:59:20,779.4187479 --> 00:59:23,119.4187479 And living with that and witnessing that. 1045 00:59:24,499.4187479 --> 00:59:25,669.4187479 Is such. 1046 00:59:26,899.4187479 --> 00:59:28,279.4187479 It's such a process. 1047 00:59:28,549.4187479 --> 00:59:30,409.4187479 It's such a journey. 1048 00:59:30,409.4187479 --> 00:59:31,909.4187479 It's such a difficult thing. 1049 00:59:32,449.4187479 --> 00:59:33,559.4187479 To have to do. 1050 00:59:34,249.4187479 --> 00:59:37,609.4187479 And I've used the word helpless a few times today, and I'm going to use it again right here. 1051 00:59:38,179.4187479 --> 00:59:40,399.4187479 Sometimes you just feel extremely helpless. 1052 00:59:41,29.4187479 --> 00:59:46,789.4187479 But all you can do, whether it's a baby in the NICU or whoever this is, is. 1053 00:59:47,569.4187479 --> 00:59:49,219.4187479 Just love on them. 1054 00:59:49,939.4187479 --> 00:59:51,19.4187479 Be there for them. 1055 00:59:51,49.4187479 --> 00:59:58,339.4187479 There was one point where a nurse, she was like, so much of this is in little Audrey's hands. 1056 00:59:58,369.4187479 --> 01:00:00,949.4187479 Like we are doing everything we can. 1057 01:00:01,909.4187479 --> 01:00:06,979.4187479 All you as parents can do is hug her and hold her and kiss her and love on her. 1058 01:00:07,789.4187479 --> 01:00:10,279.4187479 And be here in the NICU, as much as you can. 1059 01:00:10,909.4187479 --> 01:00:13,279.4187479 T like it truly does make a difference. 1060 01:00:13,939.4187479 --> 01:00:19,999.4187479 But you know what, a lot of this it's going to be up to her and it's going to be up to her body and how this all goes. 1061 01:00:21,139.4187479 --> 01:00:21,949.4187479 Which was horrifying. 1062 01:00:23,59.4187479 --> 01:00:26,449.4187479 'cause we're like, she is just so weak and so fragile. 1063 01:00:26,839.4187479 --> 01:00:28,429.4187479 Especially in those early days. 1064 01:00:28,429.4187479 --> 01:00:30,889.4187479 And we just did not know how this was going to go. 1065 01:00:31,879.4187479 --> 01:00:33,699.4187479 It was very it was very touch and go. 1066 01:00:35,619.4187479 --> 01:00:36,309.4187479 For a little while. 1067 01:00:36,809.4187479 --> 01:00:37,979.4187479 But, like I said, we. 1068 01:00:38,999.4187479 --> 01:00:41,549.4187479 Are so grateful and we're so grateful that. 1069 01:00:42,179.4187479 --> 01:00:45,209.4187479 Every day, it just seemed like she was getting better. 1070 01:00:45,209.4187479 --> 01:00:52,829.4187479 I'm not going to say it was leaps and bounds, but like there were some moments and some days where I was like, God, this is a freaking miracle. 1071 01:00:53,939.4187479 --> 01:00:57,179.4187479 It's a miracle that was caught when it was, and. 1072 01:00:57,929.4187479 --> 01:01:01,289.4187479 I'm I'm proud of myself for that as the mom. 1073 01:01:02,519.4187479 --> 01:01:06,89.4187479 As just like a human being with an intuition and with. 1074 01:01:07,319.4187479 --> 01:01:10,529.4187479 Feelings I'm like, thank God I listened. 1075 01:01:11,669.4187479 --> 01:01:12,299.4187479 And. 1076 01:01:13,409.4187479 --> 01:01:19,379.4187479 I'm so proud of our little girls for being as strong as she is and just. 1077 01:01:20,789.4187479 --> 01:01:21,959.4187479 All the powers that be. 1078 01:01:23,129.4187479 --> 01:01:26,249.4187479 That made her homecoming and her. 1079 01:01:26,789.4187479 --> 01:01:28,19.4187479 Little life now. 1080 01:01:28,19.4187479 --> 01:01:28,439.4187479 And. 1081 01:01:29,129.4187479 --> 01:01:32,669.4187479 Her health journey and her getting better possible. 1082 01:01:34,129.4187479 --> 01:01:36,409.4187479 There's very, very grateful because I know. 1083 01:01:36,929.4187479 --> 01:01:40,49.4187479 There are many people out there that are not as fortunate. 1084 01:01:41,189.4187479 --> 01:01:48,839.4187479 So, you know, if I ever talk about gratitude and grief and gratitude in life and this process and things. 1085 01:01:50,189.4187479 --> 01:01:51,689.4187479 Oh, I'll be very honest. 1086 01:01:51,689.4187479 --> 01:01:53,159.4187479 I did not feel grateful. 1087 01:01:54,149.4187479 --> 01:01:55,319.4187479 That this happened to her. 1088 01:01:55,349.4187479 --> 01:01:57,749.4187479 I was like, I remember. 1089 01:01:58,679.4187479 --> 01:02:01,679.4187479 And especially these first few days when we were so scared. 1090 01:02:02,219.4187479 --> 01:02:05,189.4187479 We were scared about what was happening her to her in the moment. 1091 01:02:06,29.4187479 --> 01:02:10,649.4187479 How this would affect her long-term we just had, there were so many unknowns in. 1092 01:02:11,429.4187479 --> 01:02:12,869.4187479 Things that we're like, we have no idea. 1093 01:02:13,889.4187479 --> 01:02:14,429.4187479 But. 1094 01:02:15,649.4187479 --> 01:02:21,139.4187479 Despite that we just try to be as positive as we could. 1095 01:02:21,529.4187479 --> 01:02:24,49.4187479 We always try to go into the NICU. 1096 01:02:24,469.4187479 --> 01:02:30,49.4187479 With smiles on our faces and to truly like embody happiness for her. 1097 01:02:30,889.4187479 --> 01:02:33,679.4187479 We did our best to just check. 1098 01:02:34,459.4187479 --> 01:02:41,239.4187479 Any nervousness or fear or whatever, what was going to happen at the door? We. 1099 01:02:41,689.4187479 --> 01:02:45,859.4187479 I just remember, like so many times we're sitting in the car and be like, you know what? We are going to go in there. 1100 01:02:46,669.4187479 --> 01:02:48,559.4187479 And it's not to like, not feel our fields. 1101 01:02:48,559.4187479 --> 01:02:49,279.4187479 We did. 1102 01:02:49,399.4187479 --> 01:02:50,479.4187479 I mean, there were times in the NICU. 1103 01:02:50,539.4187479 --> 01:02:51,469.4187479 We cried. 1104 01:02:51,469.4187479 --> 01:02:54,769.4187479 We, you know what I mean? Like, We held space for that. 1105 01:02:55,129.4187479 --> 01:02:56,239.4187479 And for each other. 1106 01:02:56,989.4187479 --> 01:02:57,559.4187479 But. 1107 01:02:58,469.4187479 --> 01:03:05,849.4187479 What became more important? Was being strong and being present and being full of light and love. 1108 01:03:06,449.4187479 --> 01:03:09,659.4187479 And strength for her and like, admitting that. 1109 01:03:10,529.4187479 --> 01:03:12,689.4187479 To her and into her. 1110 01:03:12,929.4187479 --> 01:03:13,829.4187479 If that makes sense. 1111 01:03:14,499.4187479 --> 01:03:15,249.4187479 So that's what we did. 1112 01:03:15,999.4187479 --> 01:03:18,429.4187479 Every single day, every single moment, as much as we could. 1113 01:03:19,119.4187479 --> 01:03:20,859.4187479 And there were moments of weakness. 1114 01:03:21,129.4187479 --> 01:03:22,389.4187479 Absolutely. 1115 01:03:22,689.4187479 --> 01:03:23,139.4187479 Like. 1116 01:03:23,919.4187479 --> 01:03:24,519.4187479 And we, we. 1117 01:03:25,599.4187479 --> 01:03:27,369.4187479 Didn't try to hold that back. 1118 01:03:27,399.4187479 --> 01:03:28,779.4187479 We didn't try to control that. 1119 01:03:28,779.4187479 --> 01:03:33,369.4187479 We just, you know, Felt our fields whenever. 1120 01:03:34,59.4187479 --> 01:03:36,189.4187479 We could, whenever we needed to, but. 1121 01:03:36,799.4187479 --> 01:03:40,909.4187479 You know, when you just look at that little soul, this little baby. 1122 01:03:41,929.4187479 --> 01:03:46,489.4187479 And you just want to just send them all of the strength. 1123 01:03:47,749.4187479 --> 01:03:48,829.4187479 And healing. 1124 01:03:50,239.4187479 --> 01:03:51,349.4187479 An energy. 1125 01:03:52,819.4187479 --> 01:03:55,69.4187479 That you can as much as possible. 1126 01:03:55,69.4187479 --> 01:03:57,169.4187479 Like that's what became the priority. 1127 01:03:57,589.4187479 --> 01:03:58,189.4187479 So. 1128 01:03:59,959.4187479 --> 01:04:00,919.4187479 I just. 1129 01:04:01,639.4187479 --> 01:04:03,739.4187479 Share this story. 1130 01:04:03,739.4187479 --> 01:04:08,209.4187479 And there's a lot I could have gone into when I know we're over an hour. 1131 01:04:08,239.4187479 --> 01:04:10,849.4187479 Here into this episode, and this is longer than I. 1132 01:04:11,509.4187479 --> 01:04:14,779.4187479 Kind of even anticipated, but like I said, I wanted to speak freely here. 1133 01:04:14,909.4187479 --> 01:04:19,139.4187479 There's a lot about this that I could have gone into more depth into. 1134 01:04:19,689.4187479 --> 01:04:26,829.4187479 About this whole process, I'm sure I'm even forgetting some things that I wanted to touch on, but I think this is a pretty good summary for today. 1135 01:04:27,399.4187479 --> 01:04:32,199.4187479 But you know, if I could just send any message to anyone. 1136 01:04:33,249.4187479 --> 01:04:35,679.4187479 Going through something difficult right now. 1137 01:04:36,819.4187479 --> 01:04:40,959.4187479 Journey through grief, trying to figure out life with grief. 1138 01:04:42,69.4187479 --> 01:04:43,869.4187479 It's just two. 1139 01:04:44,289.4187479 --> 01:04:49,539.4187479 Like I said, Live as much in that moment as you can. 1140 01:04:50,739.4187479 --> 01:04:52,659.4187479 Live in that love. 1141 01:04:53,649.4187479 --> 01:04:56,919.4187479 But also allow for the sadness and the fear. 1142 01:04:58,119.4187479 --> 01:05:06,609.4187479 And the longing for what you you had or what you wish you had, but don't right now, like, Allow all of that to be seen. 1143 01:05:07,449.4187479 --> 01:05:09,969.4187479 And experienced because to experience. 1144 01:05:10,329.4187479 --> 01:05:11,19.4187479 Life. 1145 01:05:11,589.4187479 --> 01:05:17,919.4187479 We experience joy and happiness and love, but we also experienced loss and grief and heaviness. 1146 01:05:18,459.4187479 --> 01:05:18,909.4187479 And. 1147 01:05:19,929.4187479 --> 01:05:23,709.4187479 The thing is those two things can co-exist and they can go hand in hand. 1148 01:05:24,879.4187479 --> 01:05:31,689.4187479 Just finding gratitude in the things that are here that are showing up that are working. 1149 01:05:32,499.4187479 --> 01:05:37,479.4187479 That is so important for just keeping our sanity and keeping our head on straight. 1150 01:05:37,809.4187479 --> 01:05:39,129.4187479 And it is not to negate. 1151 01:05:39,939.4187479 --> 01:05:42,489.4187479 Anything that you have lost or anything that you are. 1152 01:05:42,909.4187479 --> 01:05:44,199.4187479 Or have gone through. 1153 01:05:44,919.4187479 --> 01:05:47,709.4187479 It's just honoring space for both. 1154 01:05:48,309.4187479 --> 01:05:55,179.4187479 And I think that is such an important message for anyone out there trying to live life with grief. 1155 01:05:56,439.4187479 --> 01:05:58,269.4187479 The purpose and name of this podcast. 1156 01:05:59,709.4187479 --> 01:06:01,599.4187479 That's that's the gist of this whole thing. 1157 01:06:01,599.4187479 --> 01:06:04,119.4187479 And we are on this journey together. 1158 01:06:04,179.4187479 --> 01:06:05,799.4187479 I am here with you. 1159 01:06:06,229.4187479 --> 01:06:07,549.4187479 We all go through. 1160 01:06:08,209.4187479 --> 01:06:10,9.4187479 Difficult life events. 1161 01:06:10,579.4187479 --> 01:06:13,69.4187479 This is not one I anticipated for myself. 1162 01:06:13,99.4187479 --> 01:06:13,519.4187479 I. 1163 01:06:14,299.4187479 --> 01:06:18,529.4187479 Thought I'd be done for a while after my parents and my dog died. 1164 01:06:19,129.4187479 --> 01:06:19,939.4187479 I was wrong. 1165 01:06:20,449.4187479 --> 01:06:21,19.4187479 But. 1166 01:06:22,249.4187479 --> 01:06:24,49.4187479 I have lived through it. 1167 01:06:24,349.4187479 --> 01:06:25,939.4187479 I can tell the story now. 1168 01:06:26,719.4187479 --> 01:06:29,959.4187479 I have reflected, I will continue to reflect. 1169 01:06:31,609.4187479 --> 01:06:40,699.4187479 On everything that happened and on this experience, and all I know is that I will continue to learn and grow and evolve from it all. 1170 01:06:41,419.4187479 --> 01:06:42,709.4187479 And you can't do. 1171 01:06:43,789.4187479 --> 01:06:47,539.4187479 And I know you are strong and resilient enough to do that. 1172 01:06:48,79.4187479 --> 01:06:49,9.4187479 And I believe in you. 1173 01:06:49,669.4187479 --> 01:06:49,969.4187479 So. 1174 01:06:51,349.4187479 --> 01:06:56,899.4187479 With that all being said, if you made it to the end of this, thank you so much for listening. 1175 01:06:57,529.4187479 --> 01:06:58,939.4187479 To this story. 1176 01:06:59,509.4187479 --> 01:07:01,99.4187479 To this personal. 1177 01:07:02,269.4187479 --> 01:07:05,539.4187479 Side of me and this update on my life today. 1178 01:07:06,79.4187479 --> 01:07:10,99.4187479 I'm so grateful for all of you and for listening. 1179 01:07:10,209.4187479 --> 01:07:16,179.4187479 Thank you so, so much for being here and thank you for allowing me this space to share. 1180 01:07:16,869.4187479 --> 01:07:19,149.4187479 A story like this, it's very cathartic for me. 1181 01:07:19,609.4187479 --> 01:07:20,869.4187479 And I think it's very healthy. 1182 01:07:21,349.4187479 --> 01:07:25,189.4187479 Sharing stories like this, and I hope this makes you feel a little less alone today. 1183 01:07:25,399.4187479 --> 01:07:25,639.4187479 So. 1184 01:07:26,689.4187479 --> 01:07:27,19.4187479 All right. 1185 01:07:27,19.4187479 --> 01:07:32,389.4187479 My friend sending you lots of good vibes today, and I will see you in the next episode. 1186 01:07:34,482.418748 --> 01:07:38,82.418748 I am sending you a huge thank you for tuning into today's episode. 1187 01:07:38,112.418748 --> 01:07:38,592.418748 My friend. 1188 01:07:38,952.418748 --> 01:07:40,212.418748 I'm so grateful you're here. 1189 01:07:40,212.418748 --> 01:07:42,702.418748 And for the steps you were taking to heal your heart. 1190 01:07:43,62.418748 --> 01:07:43,902.418748 Open your mind. 1191 01:07:44,172.418748 --> 01:07:52,362.418748 Fulfill your soul learn, grow, and evolve and move through this crazy thing called life in big, beautiful, impactful ways. 1192 01:07:52,932.418748 --> 01:07:54,792.418748 Visit losses become gains.com 1193 01:07:54,792.418748 --> 01:07:55,572.418748 for my blog. 1194 01:07:55,842.418748 --> 01:08:05,82.418748 Ways to work with me to shop my daily journal and so much more, and be sure you're following along on Instagram and Facebook at life with grief podcast. 1195 01:08:05,482.418748 --> 01:08:10,372.418748 I love seeing new faces, meeting new people, hearing your stories and supporting you. 1196 01:08:10,402.418748 --> 01:08:11,362.418748 However I can. 1197 01:08:11,872.418748 --> 01:08:13,282.418748 Be sure to hit that subscribe button. 1198 01:08:13,282.418748 --> 01:08:17,572.418748 If you haven't already, if you haven't left a rating or review, please do so. 1199 01:08:17,572.418748 --> 01:08:18,832.418748 I would so appreciate it. 1200 01:08:19,132.418748 --> 01:08:24,442.418748 Or if you feel so inclined to share this episode or this podcast with someone who could use it too. 1201 01:08:25,132.418748 --> 01:08:26,662.418748 I'll catch you in the next episode.

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}050. Our Traumatic Birth Story & A Lesson In Listening to Your Intuition

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050. Our Traumatic Birth Story & A Lesson In Listening to Your Intuition

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