051. Busting Common Grief Myths with Shea Wingate, Part 2

Episode Transcript
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This is the life with grief podcast, the podcast that talks about and normalizes the complexities of grief, life after loss, and all this entails, and so much more. 2 00:00:12,399.999 --> 00:00:21,800 I want you to think of this podcast as a safe space where I'm a friendly face, and we're just journeying through this together to figure out how to live life with our grief in tow.

(00:22):
.999I'm your host, Tara Ocardo, I'm a grief and transformational life coach, and I'm here to serve you guidance, support, tangible coping tools, inspiration, and some laughs along the way to help you cultivate a more meaningful, intentional, and beautiful life. 4 00:00:38,94.999 --> 00:00:45,645 But grieving or not, we're getting into countless topics here on the podcast from coping with loss to self development and so much more.

(00:46):
I'm so grateful you're here.
.999Let's dive right in. 7 00:00:50,785.101040816 --> 00:00:51,338.994480144 All right. 8 00:00:51,345.102040816 --> 00:00:57,315.102040816 Welcome back to another installment of our little grief myths mini series with Shay Wingate. 9 00:00:57,645.102040816 --> 00:01:05,825.102040816 Today we are digging into four new grief myths that we see all the time in this grief coaching counseling space that we're in. 10 00:01:06,225.102040816 --> 00:01:10,605.102040816 If you missed part one of this series, be sure to check out episode 46. 11 00:01:10,920.102040816 --> 00:01:16,710.102040816 And also check out Shay's Grief Myths miniseries, which she created, and it's a brand new offering of hers. 12 00:01:16,710.102040816 --> 00:01:19,70.102040816 This is all linked in the show description as well. 13 00:01:19,350.102040816 --> 00:01:38,280.102040816 Um, but before we dive in, Shay, super quick, do you want to maybe just give like a really high level description of this one more time for anyone who isn't familiar with it or hasn't had a chance to listen to part one yet, just before we dive in so they can kind of understand where we're coming from with, This little series we're doing. 14 00:01:39,0.102040816 --> 00:01:40,80.10204082 Yeah, absolutely. 15 00:01:40,80.10204082 --> 00:01:41,510.10204082 Well, thanks for having me back. 16 00:01:41,530.10204082 --> 00:01:45,180.10204082 And yes, so the mini series is 13 modules. 17 00:01:45,210.10204082 --> 00:01:52,500.10104082 Each one of them has a video from me, journal prompts that you can explore and some really practical self care tips. 18 00:01:53,10.10204082 --> 00:01:57,760.10204082 So this is a great program for somebody who's maybe already working with a group professional. 19 00:01:57,960.10204082 --> 00:02:01,940.10204082 We're working with a counselor and they want some grief specific support. 20 00:02:01,960.10204082 --> 00:02:07,40.10204082 It's great for somebody who's, you know, new to grief and has no idea. 21 00:02:07,260.10204082 --> 00:02:09,470.10204082 It's awesome because it's self paced. 22 00:02:09,710.10204082 --> 00:02:13,980.10104082 So really, you can go through it as quickly or slowly as you need. 23 00:02:13,980.10104082 --> 00:02:18,470.10204082 And once you have access, like, you can Go back to it as many times as you want. 24 00:02:18,470.10204082 --> 00:02:31,750.10104082 So to access it, it's a paid page on my website and it's just 30 and I really wanted people to be able to feel like this is something that they could use as a tool that is, um, you know, not overwhelming for them. 25 00:02:32,85.10204082 --> 00:02:37,795.10204082 In terms of time or finances, but it's really something that can help them navigate these grief myths. 26 00:02:37,795.10204082 --> 00:02:40,755.10204082 The reason I created this series is because I had so many grief myths. 27 00:02:40,805.10204082 --> 00:02:43,595.10204082 I would have told you I didn't have any, but of course I did. 28 00:02:44,15.10204082 --> 00:02:47,185.10204082 And I hear them all the time working with my grieving clients. 29 00:02:47,555.10204082 --> 00:02:54,325.10204082 So it's just a way to help you kind of think about what you believe about grief and see if that's tripping you up. 30 00:02:55,15.10204082 --> 00:03:01,375.10204082 Because I found that a lot of grief myths really were tripping me up and it put a lot of pressure on me during my grieving process. 31 00:03:01,375.10204082 --> 00:03:04,25.10204082 And if I, I kind of created the thing I wish I'd had. 32 00:03:04,265.10204082 --> 00:03:08,165.10104082 So this mini series is, you know, my, I wish I had this. 33 00:03:08,175.10204082 --> 00:03:13,55.10204082 So I did it and I created it, you know, yeah, experience, I guess. 34 00:03:13,65.10204082 --> 00:03:16,275.10204082 So I hope people check it out, but we're going to be talking about some of those myths today. 35 00:03:16,475.10204082 --> 00:03:20,585.10204082 So this is a little like teaser of more of what you'll find in this series. 36 00:03:21,85.10204082 --> 00:03:21,535.10204082 Yeah. 37 00:03:21,795.10204082 --> 00:03:22,85.10204082 Yeah. 38 00:03:22,85.10204082 --> 00:03:22,975.10204082 I love that we're doing this. 39 00:03:22,985.10204082 --> 00:03:30,835.10204082 Cause I, and I said this in the previous episode too, you know, we're doing this very high level for the purposes of this conversation, but yeah, these are really worth diving into. 40 00:03:30,835.10204082 --> 00:03:36,555.10204082 Shea's done such a great job of making this like as digestible and affordable and user friendly as possible. 41 00:03:36,555.10204082 --> 00:03:47,95.10204082 But honestly, like, like you said, I feel like these, some of these myths that come up, some hits you earlier on in your grieving journey, some might not hit you until later. 42 00:03:47,95.10204082 --> 00:03:49,15.10204082 You might not experience until later. 43 00:03:50,155.10204082 --> 00:03:51,645.10204082 And so it's really, there's. 44 00:03:52,85.10204082 --> 00:03:54,315.10204082 There's no time frame on any of these either. 45 00:03:54,315.10204082 --> 00:04:03,895.10204082 It could be years down the line after you lose someone or you go through something kind of traumatic and then this is hitting you and you're, you know, you're just like, how do I navigate this? Right. 46 00:04:03,895.10204082 --> 00:04:18,375.10204082 And you've done, you know, the work sort of, so people don't have to, in a way to, you know, help, help cope with that through, you know, journal prompts, which is super important, all that self reflection and everything, I think is a huge part of how to cope with grief. 47 00:04:18,785.10204082 --> 00:04:19,890.10204082 Um, um, Yeah. 48 00:04:19,890.10204082 --> 00:04:22,630.10204082 So like I said, all in the show description, please go check it out. 49 00:04:22,650.10204082 --> 00:04:24,140.10204082 It's, it's a great resource. 50 00:04:24,500.10204082 --> 00:04:30,170.10204082 Um, but yeah, that kind of sparked this whole mini series that we're doing here on the podcast as well. 51 00:04:30,500.10204082 --> 00:04:35,890.10204082 Um, and I love that we've just really been having some dare I say, fun conversations around this. 52 00:04:36,505.10204082 --> 00:04:47,125.10204082 Um, just talking about it, sharing a little bit of our experiences, but ultimately kind of like a little bit of a lightning round with some of these, these grief myths, um, and just how they can affect us in our, in our healing journey for sure. 53 00:04:47,135.10204082 --> 00:04:50,615.10104082 So yeah, I love that you said that they could hit you at any time. 54 00:04:50,615.10104082 --> 00:04:51,535.10104082 That's such a good point. 55 00:04:51,535.10104082 --> 00:04:58,855.10204082 It's something I don't know if we've really touched on, but a lot of times we think that, Oh, if I'm going to have a grief myth, I'm going to have it right away. 56 00:04:58,865.10204082 --> 00:05:02,595.10204082 And if I'm like four months in, like, I'm good, I don't need this. 57 00:05:02,625.10204082 --> 00:05:03,870.00204082 And it's not going to affect me. 58 00:05:04,50.10204082 --> 00:05:18,360.10204082 Back to me, but, you know, grief is A lifelong journey, you're going to be grieving this loss when things in your life change and grief hits differently at year three than it, you know, month four. 59 00:05:18,610.10104082 --> 00:05:19,790.10204082 So you're absolutely right. 60 00:05:19,800.10204082 --> 00:05:20,780.10154082 That's such a good point. 61 00:05:20,780.10154082 --> 00:05:22,250.10104082 I'm really glad that you brought that up. 62 00:05:22,610.10204082 --> 00:05:23,10.10204082 Yeah. 63 00:05:23,50.10204082 --> 00:05:23,350.10204082 Yeah. 64 00:05:23,350.10204082 --> 00:05:29,790.10204082 Cause I was even like looking at sort of our, like the, the things we're going over either today and like some of these other, you know, the series episodes. 65 00:05:29,820.10204082 --> 00:05:52,40.10204082 And I'm like, yeah, I mean, all of them, I've, Experience at some point so far pretty much but like I would definitely say some of them hit differently or maybe Hit harder either early on like you said not acute grief stage or let and some of them if not more recently Possibly like when I've had to sort of like regrieve my parents for some reason. 66 00:05:52,50.10204082 --> 00:06:00,20.10204082 So Yeah, I mean, it's just, it's important to just hold space to, to understand these and how to navigate them like kind of at any point. 67 00:06:00,420.10204082 --> 00:06:10,580.00204082 Um, yeah, so, I mean, I know probably a lot of listeners are all over the spectrum in terms of where we're at in our grieving journeys, but, you know, again, all the more reason that these are so important. 68 00:06:10,810.10204082 --> 00:06:12,790.10204082 Approachable to sort of where we were at. 69 00:06:12,790.10204082 --> 00:06:17,20.10204082 And also like, and you have a gifting, I just want to say like, you have a gifting option for this too. 70 00:06:17,20.10204082 --> 00:06:17,340.10204082 Right. 71 00:06:17,340.10204082 --> 00:06:35,850.10204082 So yeah, like if this is something like you are seeing someone around you, like if you maybe want to help somebody, but they like, can't really communicate, like what kind of help they need, or you want to do something a little more impactful than like making them a lasagna, not to knock lasagnas, but like, you know, food's great and all, but like, if you really want to help them. 72 00:06:36,325.10204082 --> 00:06:53,145.10204082 You know really cope and like an impactful way like this could be an amazing gift too and it's like Just subtle enough and you can even be like, you know, I I understand you might have some of this being thrown at you I just want you to you know, like listen, you're not alone This is super common. 73 00:06:53,155.10104082 --> 00:06:57,985.10204082 Like if this can help you through it like You know, it's, it's something right. 74 00:06:57,985.10204082 --> 00:07:00,445.10204082 And it's unique and it's actually really helpful. 75 00:07:00,905.10204082 --> 00:07:02,65.10204082 Yeah, absolutely. 76 00:07:02,135.10204082 --> 00:07:03,665.10204082 It's great, but it's gone in a day. 77 00:07:03,955.10204082 --> 00:07:04,295.10204082 So. 78 00:07:04,845.10204082 --> 00:07:05,265.10204082 Yeah. 79 00:07:05,265.10204082 --> 00:07:11,525.10204082 And what I love about the gifting option is like, you don't have to use it, open it right away. 80 00:07:11,535.10104082 --> 00:07:15,835.10104082 It's not as if you have seven days to go through the whole series. 81 00:07:15,835.10204082 --> 00:07:21,935.10204082 And so when you're gifting it to someone, you can gift it to them and just say like, whenever you're ready, this is here for you. 82 00:07:22,285.10204082 --> 00:07:26,15.10104082 And, um, it's also a great tool for people supporting grievers. 83 00:07:26,540.10204082 --> 00:07:31,210.10204082 Cause it, it helps us just increase our grief literacy. 84 00:07:31,550.10204082 --> 00:07:39,970.10204082 And so maybe you're in this position, you're listening to this podcast because your friend is going through grief and you want to understand more and be supportive. 85 00:07:40,300.10204082 --> 00:07:41,690.10204082 Buy the series for yourself. 86 00:07:41,730.10204082 --> 00:07:42,760.10204082 It's 30. 87 00:07:42,800.10304082 --> 00:07:46,10.10204082 You can share the information you learn or the questions with your friend. 88 00:07:46,240.10204082 --> 00:07:47,180.10204082 I don't care. 89 00:07:47,180.10204082 --> 00:07:52,700.10204082 I want people to get this information and to feel empowered and to start talking about grief. 90 00:07:53,110.10204082 --> 00:07:55,960.10204082 So this would be a great thing for someone. 91 00:07:56,870.10204082 --> 00:07:58,780.10204082 As a supporter to use for themselves too. 92 00:07:58,780.10204082 --> 00:08:05,400.10204082 Or if you're a teacher or you're an HR, you know, or you're a therapist, you're going to come in contact with grief. 93 00:08:05,840.10204082 --> 00:08:10,10.10204082 So why not educate yourself? Yeah, definitely. 94 00:08:10,20.10204082 --> 00:08:13,860.10204082 And I, this is so morbid and I hate to say this, but like, let's say you haven't been through a big loss. 95 00:08:13,900.10204082 --> 00:08:15,520.10204082 You kind of never know when you might. 96 00:08:15,530.10204082 --> 00:08:25,20.10204082 So even if you do get this for someone else, but like you end up finding the information useful, I hope you never do, but listen, here we are. 97 00:08:25,20.20204082 --> 00:08:29,510.10204082 So yeah, it can benefit so many people across the board. 98 00:08:29,510.20204082 --> 00:08:32,390.00204082 So yeah. 99 00:08:32,870.10204082 --> 00:08:33,770.10204082 So, all right. 100 00:08:33,780.10204082 --> 00:08:35,120.10204082 So let's, let's get into it. 101 00:08:35,130.10204082 --> 00:08:42,655.10204082 So myth number one for today's episode, Uh, is that there is a right and a wrong way to grieve. 102 00:08:43,635.10204082 --> 00:08:57,355.10104082 Yeah, so this one, you know, it's so interesting because people gave me a lot of advice on like how to grieve or they understood I was going through because they had a loss similar to mine or not even. 103 00:08:57,705.10204082 --> 00:09:00,25.00204082 Um, and so this is a subtle myth that people don't know. 104 00:09:00,165.10204082 --> 00:09:03,325.10204082 We have this idea that there's a right way to do things and there's a wrong way to do things. 105 00:09:03,685.10204082 --> 00:09:09,165.10204082 And even if you're, that's why I love the discussion question because it helps you become conscious of these things like that you believe. 106 00:09:09,415.10104082 --> 00:09:17,995.10104082 But really, the truth is everyone is grieving their own unique relationship with that person who died that no one else had. 107 00:09:18,25.10104082 --> 00:09:25,315.10204082 Even if you were in the same family, you know, my siblings grieved differently than I did. 108 00:09:25,565.10204082 --> 00:09:27,635.00204082 So they are grieving this. 109 00:09:27,955.10204082 --> 00:09:35,395.10204082 specific relationship that you weren't a part of and you don't like necessarily understand. 110 00:09:35,865.10204082 --> 00:09:38,405.10204082 And then everyone's got their own personality. 111 00:09:38,415.10104082 --> 00:09:40,855.10104082 Everyone's got their own comfort level with emotions. 112 00:09:41,235.10204082 --> 00:09:43,445.10204082 So there really isn't a right or wrong way to grieve. 113 00:09:43,465.10204082 --> 00:09:47,995.10204082 Of course, let's put this caveat out there that there's unhelpful things that you could do. 114 00:09:48,315.10204082 --> 00:09:52,885.10204082 I like posted something about this on Instagram and then somebody said like, well, doing this is wrong. 115 00:09:52,895.10204082 --> 00:09:54,955.10204082 Like drinking is wrong when you're grieving. 116 00:09:55,345.10204082 --> 00:09:59,885.10204082 It's like, well, okay, I understand that you're saying there's some hurtful things. 117 00:09:59,885.10204082 --> 00:10:01,645.10204082 Sometimes your girl just needs a glass of wine. 118 00:10:02,75.10204082 --> 00:10:08,405.10104082 Right? Maybe drinking was wrong for you, but for me, sometimes it was like helpful. 119 00:10:08,925.10204082 --> 00:10:09,275.10204082 Yes. 120 00:10:09,715.10204082 --> 00:10:10,575.10204082 I just ate a cocktail. 121 00:10:10,985.10204082 --> 00:10:11,755.10104082 I know. 122 00:10:12,45.10204082 --> 00:10:12,605.10204082 Yeah. 123 00:10:12,605.10204082 --> 00:10:17,355.10204082 So I understand that there's things that we do that, you know, can be unhelpful. 124 00:10:18,130.10204082 --> 00:10:26,620.10204082 Um, but that's not what we're saying in this, you know, myth here, we're saying that just because your grief looks different than your family's doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. 125 00:10:26,820.10204082 --> 00:10:30,460.10104082 Or just because their grief looks different than yours doesn't mean that they're doing it wrong either. 126 00:10:30,470.10104082 --> 00:10:41,35.00204082 So for us to just really stop and think, okay, we have this picture of what grief looks like in movies or in from our own past experience with grief, but they're grieving their own grief. 127 00:10:41,185.10204082 --> 00:10:42,955.10204082 Relationship and that's going to look different. 128 00:10:43,565.10204082 --> 00:10:43,995.10204082 Yeah. 129 00:10:44,125.10204082 --> 00:10:44,495.10204082 Yeah. 130 00:10:44,605.10204082 --> 00:10:45,105.10204082 Well said. 131 00:10:45,415.10204082 --> 00:10:45,715.10204082 Yeah. 132 00:10:45,715.10204082 --> 00:10:52,405.10204082 I, I can't count how many times, like whether or not someone was doing it like maliciously. 133 00:10:52,405.10204082 --> 00:10:53,145.10204082 And that's the thing. 134 00:10:53,145.10204082 --> 00:11:12,580.10204082 I think, and I feel like we've talked about this in some of the other myths too, but like, I feel like sometimes when people impose stuff on us, like, Nine times out of ten, it's out of love, it's because they're trying to support, or it's like, this worked for me, maybe it'll work for you, or, or they're maybe a little more assertive about it, they're like, you need to try this, this worked for me, this helped me. 135 00:11:12,580.20204082 --> 00:11:30,930.10204082 Um, sometimes that's great, and sometimes that's actually true, and maybe it's helpful, but like, sometimes, I appreciated it so much more when people, and actually this is very true for me too, like kind of on a sidebar, but like becoming a mom recently or like throughout my pregnancy as people were like, you know, you need to do this or try this or whatever. 136 00:11:31,160.10104082 --> 00:11:34,680.10104082 Like, oh my God, probably actually worse than when I was grieving. 137 00:11:34,690.10204082 --> 00:12:21,40.10104082 Cause like, you know, all the moms come out of the woodwork when you get pregnant and have a kid, but either way, it's just like, There's just this, I don't know if this is like, an innate part of like, as we are hardwired as humans, but like, to help in that way, or just, you know, we're, we're very like, ego driven beings in some, sometimes, so like, I feel like people feel the need to do that, but it's often out of help, it's often coming from a good place, um, but I also feel like, There can be sort of like a, but that's where like it can kind of mess with our minds sometimes because we might have people coming in and saying different things or like, no, you really should try this or oh, no, no, that didn't really work. 138 00:12:21,50.10204082 --> 00:12:27,210.00204082 You know what I mean? So then, you know, depending on, that's where I feel like we just have to get so grounded with ourselves and with what, we're doing. 139 00:12:27,490.10204082 --> 00:12:50,950.10204082 Is or would work for us and who we are as a being and you know I always say like I kind of like would take people's opinions or suggestions or whatever and just like put in the back of my head And you never know like something someone suggests Might not land for you right now But it might later on when you're in a different phase of your grief or you're just in a different place in life And that it might be more fitting at that point. 140 00:12:50,950.10204082 --> 00:13:18,235.00204082 That's definitely happened to me, too Um, but yeah, we have to be careful because I feel like there are some times when we might You know, here are some of the things that people say or feel like we should be doing in our grief that, um, can make us question, you know, whether we're doing something right or not, and especially that we, I think we've talked about this, but like, the whole, you know, the, the first year is the worst, and, you know, that, like, you should be over it by now, like, that, those kinds of things, and just societally you. 141 00:13:18,665.10204082 --> 00:13:24,565.10204082 Is that a word? Anyway, from our, from a societal perspective, that can really definitely make us feel like we're doing something wrong. 142 00:13:24,575.10204082 --> 00:13:31,485.10204082 If that's like not the accepted, you know, time of grieving and that, that's a whole nother rabbit hole that I won't go down. 143 00:13:31,515.10204082 --> 00:13:34,735.10204082 But, um, yeah, there's so many factors. 144 00:13:34,775.10104082 --> 00:13:37,245.00204082 That's like so many nuances to this particular. 145 00:13:37,535.10204082 --> 00:13:37,955.10204082 Myth. 146 00:13:38,25.10204082 --> 00:13:38,355.10204082 Yeah. 147 00:13:38,465.10204082 --> 00:13:38,945.10204082 Yeah. 148 00:13:38,995.10204082 --> 00:13:39,525.10204082 Yeah. 149 00:13:39,855.10204082 --> 00:13:40,165.10204082 Yeah. 150 00:13:40,165.10204082 --> 00:13:46,515.10104082 Someone might not feel safe to start their grieving process yet or there might be other things that they're worried about. 151 00:13:46,525.10204082 --> 00:13:53,575.10204082 A lot of times when a parent has died and I'm working with the surviving parent, we talk about their kids a lot. 152 00:13:53,795.10104082 --> 00:13:55,45.10154082 Yeah, and that's okay. 153 00:13:55,45.10154082 --> 00:14:09,555.10204082 They're worried about their kids and they want to talk about that and it wouldn't be helpful for me To just not listen to that or not support them with that because that's that's a part of their grief like yeah That's what their focus is. 154 00:14:09,565.10204082 --> 00:14:18,325.10204082 So I could see how maybe someone would think that would be avoided in your grief therapy or talking about your children. 155 00:14:18,565.10204082 --> 00:14:21,5.10204082 But for me, it's like, this is what they need to talk about. 156 00:14:21,5.10204082 --> 00:14:22,725.10104082 This is where their head's at. 157 00:14:22,755.10204082 --> 00:14:23,935.10204082 And it makes sense. 158 00:14:23,975.10104082 --> 00:14:25,605.10204082 They lost their partner. 159 00:14:25,975.10104082 --> 00:14:30,255.10204082 Yeah, it's like, it's your partner, but like, it's your family unit that has then changed too. 160 00:14:30,255.10204082 --> 00:14:52,760.10204082 And like, you know, You don't have to be a parent to know that like, you know, a lot of your, your kids come first or that really takes priority, you know, not that your partner's not important, obviously, but like, yeah, there's such a mourning period, not only of your partner, but then again, that whole family union, you almost have to grieve that differently and almost separately than, you know, the part, it's just so many complexities to this whole thing. 161 00:14:52,760.10204082 --> 00:14:55,920.10204082 So, um, Yeah, yeah, definitely. 162 00:14:56,750.10204082 --> 00:15:09,60.10104082 Yeah, I feel like that was a really, um, eye opening one for me, because with my siblings especially, just like, so interesting how even they thought of our family members differently than I did. 163 00:15:09,620.10104082 --> 00:15:16,480.10204082 I just learned about how they saw the people that died, and I saw those people so differently. 164 00:15:16,690.10204082 --> 00:15:26,715.10204082 But I'm not gonna, like, get into all of that because I'm not trying to, like, you know, Tell my brother's business, but it was just interesting that we saw the same person differently. 165 00:15:27,255.10204082 --> 00:15:28,655.10204082 Yeah, no, totally. 166 00:15:28,655.10204082 --> 00:15:32,485.10204082 I mean, like you said earlier, you know, we're all unique in our personalities. 167 00:15:32,485.10204082 --> 00:15:34,85.10204082 We have different relationships with people. 168 00:15:34,95.10204082 --> 00:15:39,905.10204082 So like, How can we expect, yeah, grief to be the same way? Our brains are all wired differently. 169 00:15:39,905.10204082 --> 00:15:42,5.10204082 Some of us might experience more anger. 170 00:15:42,215.10204082 --> 00:15:44,665.10204082 Some of us might experience more, like, longing. 171 00:15:44,675.10204082 --> 00:15:51,625.10204082 You know what I mean? Like, I think I mentioned in another episode, like, I personally didn't feel like I had a ton of anger, per se. 172 00:15:52,20.10204082 --> 00:16:05,800.10204082 Around my parents losses to the, I mean, there's a, there's a little bit in there, but you know, it's just again, like why we just can't hold each other to any standards or expectations or, you know what I mean? Like, it's just, and you kind of touched on this too. 173 00:16:06,820.10204082 --> 00:16:13,610.10204082 We are raised to grieve very differently, or we are, you know, um, I don't wanna say conditioned, I guess is the word. 174 00:16:13,930.10204082 --> 00:16:33,80.10204082 Well, I guess that is kind of the word I'm trying to use, you know, we're conditioned to, to grieve openly or for that to be really, you know, kind of like, okay, tamp it down, get it together, be strong, you know, don't cry, like that kind of thing, you know, so, yeah, which I would not recommend, by the way, like, yeah, definitely let it out. 175 00:16:33,90.10104082 --> 00:16:34,240.10104082 It will find its way out. 176 00:16:34,240.10104082 --> 00:16:35,190.10104082 So if you can see them. 177 00:16:36,275.10204082 --> 00:16:40,885.1020408 If you can open the door rather than the door being busted open, that might be nicer for you. 178 00:16:42,115.1020408 --> 00:16:42,645.1020408 Seriously. 179 00:16:42,885.1020408 --> 00:16:44,965.1020408 Well, yeah, the control, take the control back. 180 00:16:45,385.1020408 --> 00:16:51,475.1020408 Yeah, even though the door might be busted open regardless, but, you know, maybe less often than it would have been otherwise. 181 00:16:53,125.1010408 --> 00:16:56,655.1020408 My experience, you know, running from the grief never worked. 182 00:16:57,785.1020408 --> 00:17:00,295.1020408 Nope, it'll, it'll find you by another. 183 00:17:00,835.1020408 --> 00:17:01,55.1020408 Yes. 184 00:17:01,285.1020408 --> 00:17:04,585.1020408 Moral of the story, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. 185 00:17:04,725.1020408 --> 00:17:16,685.1020408 It is, you know, I'm sure if there's anything about grief that people have often heard is it's a very unique and individual experience, but like as often as that might be heard and said, or it really is so true. 186 00:17:16,695.1020408 --> 00:17:18,765.1020408 So I know that people hear that though. 187 00:17:18,805.1020408 --> 00:17:39,570.1020408 Cause I, I think the reason this myth is so big is because there's the fact that The five stages of grief, you know, we've talked about that at some point in one of the episodes, but, um, I, I really think the reason this is a myth is because we think that there is a really clear path, or we hope, you know, we wish there was like a manual and a really clear path, but, but. 188 00:17:39,975.1020408 --> 00:17:40,785.1020408 It's not. 189 00:17:40,815.1020408 --> 00:17:43,405.1020408 So I think this is one of those sneaky myths. 190 00:17:44,655.1020408 --> 00:17:45,165.1020408 Yeah. 191 00:17:45,275.1020408 --> 00:17:48,675.1020408 Honestly, maybe, maybe I said that because I'm in the grief space and I do see this a lot. 192 00:17:49,305.1020408 --> 00:17:54,765.1010408 It's like, yeah, it's like, you know, chin up, like there's, yeah, but no, that's actually, that's very true. 193 00:17:54,765.1020408 --> 00:18:07,715.1020408 I guess that's why we're talking about these, right? Because in the general, I guess I'll say public, like, people do feel like they are grieving incorrectly and that can lead to a lot of very unresolved grief. 194 00:18:07,715.1020408 --> 00:18:08,515.1010408 So, yeah. 195 00:18:08,980.1020408 --> 00:18:09,240.1020408 Yeah. 196 00:18:09,250.1020408 --> 00:18:09,620.1020408 Mm hmm. 197 00:18:09,810.1020408 --> 00:18:10,300.1020408 Mm hmm. 198 00:18:10,360.1020408 --> 00:18:10,760.1020408 Yeah. 199 00:18:10,760.1020408 --> 00:18:18,510.1020408 We are lucky enough to be around some really good information about grief, but not everyone is until they need to be. 200 00:18:18,850.1020408 --> 00:18:19,260.1020408 Right. 201 00:18:19,300.1020408 --> 00:18:26,820.1020408 And even then, and actually this is literally a perfect segue, um, into the next myth, but this is like, yeah, actually we could not have planned this better. 202 00:18:27,80.1020408 --> 00:18:30,620.1020408 Um, that myth is I'm strange for needing help. 203 00:18:30,750.1020408 --> 00:18:33,780.1020408 And I just feel like that's, you know, like. 204 00:18:33,870.2020408 --> 00:18:45,760.1020408 If you feel like you are not grieving correctly, or if there is, like, something wrong with you, or you're just like, First of all, I just want to bust this right now, and then I'm going to hand it off to you. 205 00:18:45,880.1020408 --> 00:18:47,400.1010408 You are not strange for needing help. 206 00:18:47,410.1010408 --> 00:18:49,620.1020408 That is literally the work that you and I do. 207 00:18:50,100.1020408 --> 00:18:52,460.1020408 It's because people need help. 208 00:18:52,910.1020408 --> 00:18:54,20.1010408 Grief is confusing. 209 00:18:54,30.1010408 --> 00:18:54,890.1010408 It's exhausting. 210 00:18:54,890.1010408 --> 00:18:56,60.1010408 It's hard to navigate. 211 00:18:56,595.1020408 --> 00:19:10,955.1010408 It's not just the acute, like, early grief, it is figuring out how to do life with your grief after the loss, and all of that entails, so I want to pass it off to you, but yeah, this is an important myth, I am strange for needing help. 212 00:19:11,635.1020408 --> 00:19:40,240.1020408 Yeah, well, like, we've kind of touched on a little bit, there's not a lot of grief literacy in our society, and so, You need help because it's something that we don't talk about that we Run away from so it's not it's not strange that you need help It's strange that we don't do a better job of this in our society and I needed a lot of help It's very hard to see ourselves Especially when we're in this time of immense stress, which grief is a stress. 213 00:19:40,440.1020408 --> 00:19:44,290.1020408 It's very stressful so I I needed a lot of help. 214 00:19:44,400.1020408 --> 00:19:47,120.1020408 I still need support and help. 215 00:19:47,160.1020408 --> 00:19:50,750.1020408 And I'm in, like, I would say my grief is mature now. 216 00:19:51,200.1020408 --> 00:19:52,170.1020408 It's not acute. 217 00:19:52,190.1010408 --> 00:19:52,950.1020408 It's not early. 218 00:19:52,950.1020408 --> 00:19:53,620.1020408 It's mature grief. 219 00:19:53,620.1020408 --> 00:19:55,0.1010408 It's a grief that I live with. 220 00:19:55,0.1020408 --> 00:19:57,700.1020408 And I, for the most part, carry pretty well. 221 00:19:57,700.1020408 --> 00:19:59,720.1030408 But that doesn't mean I still don't need help. 222 00:19:59,930.1020408 --> 00:20:07,360.1010408 And help might mean just someone to talk to about it or like, listen to me or to process something, you know, or to validate me. 223 00:20:07,360.1010408 --> 00:20:09,590.1020408 And so you're not strange for needing help. 224 00:20:09,590.1020408 --> 00:20:12,70.1020408 It's strange that we don't do a better job with this. 225 00:20:12,615.1020408 --> 00:20:18,755.1020408 Thing that everyone is going to go through and not even just the It's not even death related grief, there's all kinds of grief. 226 00:20:19,215.1020408 --> 00:20:24,5.1020408 So it's, it's strange that we don't, um, have better resources in our world. 227 00:20:24,355.1020408 --> 00:20:24,825.1020408 Yeah. 228 00:20:25,5.1020408 --> 00:20:25,275.1020408 Okay. 229 00:20:25,285.1020408 --> 00:20:37,975.1020408 I love what you just said there and I want to touch on that because often, especially on this podcast too, admittedly, like we do talk about the loss of a loved one, because I feel like that is what a majority of the people really are struggling with their grief in. 230 00:20:39,30.1020408 --> 00:21:00,690.1020408 That being said, like, and I know you've spoken to this and you've spoken to this really well, like, there could be sort of a grieving of, like, loss of expectations, the ending of a relationship, be that a divorce or just, you know, a breakup or a friendship breakup, like, even with job, like, I talked about that on the podcast recently too, like, the loss of a job and that loss of identity and stuff. 231 00:21:01,30.1020408 --> 00:21:06,50.1020408 So as far as, like, the needing help, like, yeah, like you said, it is not specific to that of. 232 00:21:06,240.1020408 --> 00:21:10,60.1020408 A loved one who died that could possibly be a catalyst for some things. 233 00:21:10,520.1020408 --> 00:21:26,700.1010408 Um, or you might be going through some other type of loss and then you maybe lose somebody and then you're really like, just feel lost in this ocean without a life raft, right? So there could be a lot of things that we need help with and help navigating. 234 00:21:26,730.1010408 --> 00:21:33,440.1020408 And I think that's the thing about grief too, is a lot of it can actually be very intertwined and we might not even realize it. 235 00:21:33,450.1020408 --> 00:21:35,840.1020408 So there's a lot to unpack and that's. 236 00:21:36,340.1020408 --> 00:22:04,360.1020408 really hard to do by ourselves sometimes if we don't have the right coping tools or the the right I want to say the right mindset but like you know it's helpful to have someone and often a third party like you know a counselor or a coach or therapist whoever um to if nothing else just like bounce ideas off of like I'll say like I went to therapy a little bit after my dad died so my mom had died six months prior than my dad and then I was like And then, but I was also grieving the end of a relationship at that time. 237 00:22:04,360.1020408 --> 00:22:05,930.1020408 So it was like a lot going on. 238 00:22:06,420.1020408 --> 00:22:08,770.1020408 Um, and I went and got help for that. 239 00:22:08,770.1020408 --> 00:22:16,260.1015408 And we did, we did talk about this in another episode, but like, I, I found myself talking more about the ending of the relationship, almost more so than my dad. 240 00:22:16,260.1015408 --> 00:22:21,140.1020408 And I felt guilty about that, but it just, you know, again, there was a lot going on in that. 241 00:22:22,545.1020408 --> 00:22:37,445.1010408 I was trying to make sense of it all, but what I almost realized was I just needed like a third party, unbiased, like someone who kind of was not related to me, honestly, to, or didn't know my boyfriend, now husband at the time, to like talk through that with. 242 00:22:37,975.1020408 --> 00:22:38,495.0020408 And that was it. 243 00:22:38,675.1020408 --> 00:22:40,175.1020408 That's beautiful and okay too. 244 00:22:40,195.1020408 --> 00:22:43,345.1020408 Like, you know, there's a time and a space for that, that we might need that. 245 00:22:43,345.1020408 --> 00:22:46,75.1020408 So, and there's nothing strange about it. 246 00:22:46,75.1020408 --> 00:22:48,215.1020408 Like, my God, we got to keep our sanity somehow. 247 00:22:48,695.1020408 --> 00:22:49,425.1020408 Yeah. 248 00:22:49,485.1020408 --> 00:22:50,15.1020408 Yeah. 249 00:22:50,15.1020408 --> 00:22:59,325.1020408 And you can ask yourself, like, if a friend that I, a dear friend, someone I really love and want the best for if they got help, but I think that was strange. 250 00:22:59,475.1020408 --> 00:23:03,845.1020408 And if the answer is no, then why is it strange for you? But this is a sneaky myth. 251 00:23:03,855.1020408 --> 00:23:05,605.1020408 It might not come to your head. 252 00:23:05,605.1020408 --> 00:23:07,15.1020408 Like I'm strange for needing help. 253 00:23:07,285.1020408 --> 00:23:15,460.1020408 It might come into your head of like, Well, I don't have the time for that, or, you know, like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna see how it goes. 254 00:23:16,0.1020408 --> 00:23:27,540.1010408 It's like, well, why are you gonna see how it goes, even though you, you were struggling? You're gonna see if it gets better, because maybe deep underneath that, it's like, oh, admitting that I need help would make me strange. 255 00:23:27,700.1030408 --> 00:23:35,760.1020408 But I think it would be pretty brave to say, and I was, I needed a lot of help, and I was glad I got it. 256 00:23:36,195.1020408 --> 00:23:47,365.1010408 Yeah, there was something you said about, um, kind of seeing how it goes or just like, you know, kind of, kind of waiting and I always say like, I say this with my membership and stuff too. 257 00:23:47,865.1020408 --> 00:23:52,794.2857143 Oh, real quick interruption here, and then we'll get back to this episode. 258 00:23:53,244.2857143 --> 00:23:58,284.2857143 If you were someone who was experiencing some form of loss and are trying to navigate the complexities of grief. 259 00:23:58,644.2857143 --> 00:24:02,214.2857143 Which you likely are in some capacity, if you've stumbled upon this podcast. 260 00:24:02,514.2857143 --> 00:24:04,464.2857143 Then this message is for you. 261 00:24:04,944.2857143 --> 00:24:08,514.2857143 If you haven't heard about my life with grief, membership and community yet. 262 00:24:08,784.2857143 --> 00:24:11,514.2857143 This is truly something that you need to check out. 263 00:24:11,904.2857143 --> 00:24:18,564.2857143 This membership is here to guide you into living a deeper, more meaningful and full life after experiencing loss. 264 00:24:18,954.2857143 --> 00:24:20,484.2857143 Who doesn't want that? Right. 265 00:24:20,934.2857143 --> 00:24:26,274.2857143 I created this membership because I know what it's like to navigate and cope with grief on a daily basis. 266 00:24:26,604.2857143 --> 00:24:29,814.2857143 And I know the tools and support it takes to do this effectively. 267 00:24:30,294.2857143 --> 00:24:34,584.2857143 I've done the work myself and I've coached people just like you to do the same. 268 00:24:35,84.2857143 --> 00:24:44,744.2857143 It comes down to having impactful, effective resources and tools at your disposal, having the right support around you from people who can understand and empathize with your grief. 269 00:24:45,224.2857143 --> 00:24:54,74.2857143 And having encouragement and inspiration around you consistently to not only elicit and spark change, but to keep it and keep the positive momentum going. 270 00:24:54,674.2857143 --> 00:24:59,504.2857143 Enrollment opens once a month for a limited time, check out the details, LinkedIn, the description. 271 00:24:59,624.2857143 --> 00:25:00,794.2857143 And I hope to see you in there. 272 00:25:00,794.2857143 --> 00:25:10,388.4693878 Oh, It's like, what, what exactly are you waiting for? Like, especially if you know that like, Your life could be more at peace. 273 00:25:10,388.4693878 --> 00:25:11,438.4693878 It could be a little bit better. 274 00:25:11,438.4693878 --> 00:25:30,678.4693878 You could carry your grief, you know, a little less heavy, you know, like, it's sort of like, what are you waiting for? And there's so many reasons that people might have to wait, you know, I get that financially, like there's so many aspects to it, which again, is why it is great with what you put together here, very affordable option. 275 00:25:30,698.4693878 --> 00:25:33,428.4693878 But you know, there, there is just so many. 276 00:25:34,48.4693878 --> 00:25:37,518.4693878 Places you can get Facebook groups, like I've joined a few like that. 277 00:25:37,518.4693878 --> 00:25:43,868.4688878 So it's just, you know, like mom groups or something like that, that are maybe like struggling, you know, their, their, maybe their partner passed away. 278 00:25:43,868.4688878 --> 00:25:48,948.4683878 You know what I mean? So there's so many different areas that we can get this kind of help. 279 00:25:49,518.4693878 --> 00:25:53,463.3693878 And then, and maybe we might realize that we need different types of help. 280 00:25:54,163.4693878 --> 00:25:55,253.4693878 throughout our lives. 281 00:25:55,253.4693878 --> 00:25:56,583.4693878 And so we explore different things. 282 00:25:56,593.4693878 --> 00:26:03,503.4693878 So, you know, sure, you can't kind of force anyone to get the help that they need for sure. 283 00:26:03,513.4693878 --> 00:26:07,473.4683878 Like we do have to have the motivation and we, we do have to feel that that's right for us. 284 00:26:07,503.4693878 --> 00:26:13,673.4693878 But, um, yeah, I mean, not to put too fine a point on it, but I see a lot of excuses in this. 285 00:26:13,673.5693878 --> 00:26:16,418.4693878 Um, That kind of come along with this myth. 286 00:26:17,258.4693878 --> 00:26:22,138.4693878 So that's just another, you know, aspect of it too that I just want to mention. 287 00:26:23,388.4693878 --> 00:26:23,738.4693878 Yeah. 288 00:26:23,738.4693878 --> 00:26:24,898.4688878 Look, I know it's scary. 289 00:26:24,898.4688878 --> 00:26:32,548.4693878 I was terrified to, to get support and I'm a therapist and I was scared to go and face this. 290 00:26:32,558.4683878 --> 00:26:37,408.4693878 So like I, I can understand why somebody would be really scared. 291 00:26:38,388.4693878 --> 00:26:44,518.4693878 And I told myself, like, I'm going to go five times and then I'll decide if I want to keep going. 292 00:26:44,518.4693878 --> 00:26:51,808.4693878 And so that allowed me to kind of suspend the judgment for a little bit and then get more comfortable and settle in and then I was okay and go do it scared. 293 00:26:51,918.4693878 --> 00:26:52,588.4693878 That's okay. 294 00:26:53,138.4693878 --> 00:26:53,568.4693878 Yeah. 295 00:26:53,758.4693878 --> 00:26:54,748.4693878 It will get better. 296 00:26:54,778.4683878 --> 00:26:55,258.3693878 And yeah. 297 00:26:56,18.4693878 --> 00:27:04,878.4683878 You can take it slow, like if you're, if you're working with someone, or you're doing something like the course, or something like your membership, like, you can take it at your pace. 298 00:27:05,338.4683878 --> 00:27:05,828.4683878 Yeah. 299 00:27:05,958.4683878 --> 00:27:10,538.4683878 Getting started is really the hardest part, but you will feel better just by getting started. 300 00:27:10,538.5683878 --> 00:27:12,238.4688878 You're gonna be so proud of yourself. 301 00:27:12,238.4688878 --> 00:27:12,828.4683878 Yeah. 302 00:27:13,68.4683878 --> 00:27:13,408.4683878 Yeah. 303 00:27:13,438.4693878 --> 00:27:24,308.4693878 There might be some discomfort there, but at the same time, like, Hopefully, and if it is a one on one thing that people are like working with, like they're there to hold a safe and sacred space for you. 304 00:27:24,348.4693878 --> 00:27:30,378.4688878 And sometimes we don't have that in our loved ones or in our, our sort of usual like day to day life. 305 00:27:30,378.4688878 --> 00:27:30,588.4683878 Right. 306 00:27:30,588.4683878 --> 00:27:33,228.4688878 Sometimes we don't always have that, that safe space to go to. 307 00:27:33,228.4688878 --> 00:27:34,738.4683878 So, um, yeah. 308 00:27:34,738.4683878 --> 00:27:36,8.3693878 And also I would definitely say with safety. 309 00:27:36,148.4693878 --> 00:28:22,58.4693878 Like therapy or a coach or counselor, whoever, you know, finding the right person for sure the energetics of it So there's a lot I think to consider but like really just going with your intuition and you know Thinking about the types of help that there is out there googling it if you have to but also like just seeing what's going on Seeing what resonates with you or thinking about like what about like that's what something I did at least was like, okay What about my grief is like the hardest right now or what is it? Really that I'm struggling with and that was a tough thing to face You know, these are not easy questions that we have to ask ourselves sometimes but in doing that we can sometimes recognize like oh This maybe isn't actually what I thought it was or I'm actually So if I'm like really struggling with something else, let me seek help, maybe specifically for that or there's, you know, there's something, something in it there. 310 00:28:22,58.4693878 --> 00:28:31,328.4693878 So also, you know, that's just a message for anybody who maybe is confused about the type of help that they should get to, um, you know, and like you said, just, you know, Try it for a little bit. 311 00:28:31,328.4693878 --> 00:28:38,368.4693878 If it's, if it doesn't resonate with you, try a different working with different professional or try a group setting instead, you know, that's the other thing too. 312 00:28:38,368.4693878 --> 00:28:44,168.4693878 I've definitely noticed like, you know, some people, um, really enjoy working on a one on one setting. 313 00:28:44,168.4693878 --> 00:28:47,208.4683878 Some people really prefer the community aspect, the group aspect. 314 00:28:47,268.4693878 --> 00:28:47,898.4683878 They need that. 315 00:28:47,898.4683878 --> 00:28:57,578.4693878 They want people around them that can like empathize with what they're going through, but some people, that's a very individual and, you know, maybe they're just a little more introverted with their journey and that's okay too. 316 00:28:57,848.4693878 --> 00:28:58,158.4693878 So. 317 00:28:58,588.5693878 --> 00:29:01,918.4693878 Yeah, the help comes in all shapes and sizes, for sure. 318 00:29:02,388.4693878 --> 00:29:03,678.4693878 Yeah, definitely. 319 00:29:03,778.4693878 --> 00:29:09,678.4693878 Maybe try both, and then if you can't do both, then pick the one that's helping you the most. 320 00:29:09,878.4693878 --> 00:29:11,678.4693878 Yep, yeah, well said. 321 00:29:12,828.4693878 --> 00:29:15,208.4693878 All right, grief myth number three. 322 00:29:15,248.4693878 --> 00:29:18,118.4683878 I, I love this one, so I just want to hand this one straight off to you. 323 00:29:18,158.4693878 --> 00:29:18,488.4693878 Okay. 324 00:29:18,638.4683878 --> 00:29:21,338.4693878 I shouldn't be happy while grieving. 325 00:29:22,188.4693878 --> 00:29:22,758.4693878 Yeah. 326 00:29:22,968.4693878 --> 00:29:23,628.3693878 This makes me happy. 327 00:29:24,48.4693878 --> 00:29:24,658.4693878 I know. 328 00:29:24,768.4693878 --> 00:29:25,388.4693878 Yeah. 329 00:29:25,958.4693878 --> 00:29:27,788.4693878 This is so common. 330 00:29:27,968.4693878 --> 00:29:33,238.4693878 People talk to me about feeling like it's a bit of a betrayal to feel happy. 331 00:29:33,618.4693878 --> 00:29:37,188.4683878 And I mean, I felt that way too sometimes. 332 00:29:37,188.4693878 --> 00:29:42,218.4683878 And maybe you're not, like I said earlier, it's not coming to your brain as, I shouldn't be happy. 333 00:29:42,218.4693878 --> 00:29:56,728.4693878 But maybe you find yourself like avoiding going and doing new things or taking opportunities or making changes because you don't want to be To maybe, like, feel like you're moving on, in quotes, moving on from your loved one. 334 00:29:57,478.4693878 --> 00:30:03,38.4693878 But really, research shows that positive experiences help our outcome. 335 00:30:03,558.4683878 --> 00:30:12,808.4693878 But here's the thing, positive experiences during your acute early grief are not going to be the same thing that you thought of as positive experiences before. 336 00:30:13,128.4693878 --> 00:30:15,58.4693878 So, I really didn't understand this. 337 00:30:15,58.4693878 --> 00:30:20,853.4693878 Like, remember, It was like my dad's one year anniversary and my friend was like, let's go whitewater rafting or something crazy. 338 00:30:20,883.4693878 --> 00:30:24,573.4693878 And I was like, no, like, I cannot do that thing. 339 00:30:24,753.4693878 --> 00:30:25,253.4683878 I know. 340 00:30:25,253.4693878 --> 00:30:30,273.4693878 I just was like, my body is like bricks and I'm not getting in that dangerous boat. 341 00:30:30,433.4693878 --> 00:30:30,963.4683878 Like, no. 342 00:30:31,523.4683878 --> 00:30:39,583.4693878 So I felt like I couldn't go and do things because I didn't have the same, you know, energy and I didn't, I couldn't go take a big risk. 343 00:30:41,133.4693878 --> 00:30:43,983.4693878 That doesn't mean I didn't need any positive experiences. 344 00:30:44,353.4693878 --> 00:30:58,113.4693878 So maybe what your positive experience is, is I'm gonna go to this coffee shop and I'm gonna buy a latte and a cookie and I'm gonna sit there and just eat it and just be out of my house, be in the world. 345 00:30:58,133.4693878 --> 00:31:13,153.4693878 But it's, it's a positive experience, but it's safe and it doesn't have to be something that's, you know, Such a big change or such a drastic like experience, right? So, um, that's something that I just, I almost like didn't give myself permission to have positive experiences. 346 00:31:13,563.4693878 --> 00:31:16,83.4683878 And I really didn't want a lot to change. 347 00:31:16,653.4683878 --> 00:31:20,733.3693878 And that was in, I ended up like almost feeding into some negative things. 348 00:31:21,273.4693878 --> 00:31:23,763.4693878 Um, you know, feelings and like Mm-hmm. 349 00:31:24,3.4693878 --> 00:31:26,43.4693878 making things harder than it needed to be. 350 00:31:26,463.4693878 --> 00:31:27,723.4693878 And I, I see this with people a lot. 351 00:31:27,723.4693878 --> 00:31:29,43.4693878 They don't wanna betray their loved one. 352 00:31:29,43.4693878 --> 00:31:40,733.4693878 Like I said, they don't wanna feel happy because it feels wrong, like they're forgetting the person or they're like leaving their grief behind, even though they want to feel better. 353 00:31:40,763.4693878 --> 00:31:46,253.4693878 Feeling really bad makes us feel close to our loved ones, or it did for me, and I've heard this from other. 354 00:31:46,818.4693878 --> 00:32:02,528.4693878 People, um, so it's like this push pull, like I don't want to feel this bad because it's horrible, but feeling good feels wrong, and it's okay to have something in the middle, like just something soothing, maybe instead of positive, you should think what's soothing, what's calming, what's relaxing. 355 00:32:02,538.4693878 --> 00:32:02,798.4693878 I love that. 356 00:32:03,138.4693878 --> 00:32:03,758.4693878 Yeah. 357 00:32:04,123.4693878 --> 00:32:04,573.4693878 Yeah. 358 00:32:04,813.4693878 --> 00:32:05,173.4693878 Okay. 359 00:32:05,173.4693878 --> 00:32:19,173.4693878 I love that you said that because I also feel like I, what I've seen a lot with this one too, like it kind of goes along with this, this grief myth is like people feel like it's, it's sort of like almost like a bigger, go big or go home sort of thing. 360 00:32:19,173.4693878 --> 00:32:26,163.4693878 So like they can't go be happy at someone's like birthday party or they can't go on the trip that they planned. 361 00:32:26,183.4693878 --> 00:32:32,493.4688878 Or I think we've even talked about this maybe in our episode from last year around like relationships and getting married and stuff. 362 00:32:32,493.4688878 --> 00:32:33,108.3693878 But like, yeah. 363 00:32:34,588.4693878 --> 00:32:40,728.4693878 People feel like they maybe like can't or don't want to get married even because their loved one isn't going to be there. 364 00:32:40,748.4693878 --> 00:32:46,498.4693878 I hear that more times than I, that really makes me so sad. 365 00:32:46,968.4693878 --> 00:32:48,828.4693878 Um, understandable. 366 00:32:48,868.4683878 --> 00:33:04,163.4693878 But it's like, so I think a lot of people think with this one that it might, I mean, like going out and really experiencing going to a concert, God forbid you laugh or have a drink with some friends and actually have a nice evening or afternoon out or, you know, something like that. 367 00:33:04,733.4683878 --> 00:33:07,233.4688878 But this could just be something as simple. 368 00:33:07,233.4688878 --> 00:33:09,843.4693878 And I bring this up because this was something that really helped me. 369 00:33:10,163.4683878 --> 00:33:14,103.4693878 Um, I, I was sent a book by a friend untamed by Glennon Doyle. 370 00:33:14,103.4693878 --> 00:33:19,263.4693878 I've probably brought this book up on this podcast before, but it was like the first book I read post dad loss. 371 00:33:19,733.4683878 --> 00:33:20,333.4683878 And. 372 00:33:21,173.4693878 --> 00:33:24,663.4693878 I spent a lot of time by myself after my parents died. 373 00:33:24,663.4693878 --> 00:33:28,533.4693878 Like, yeah, I had some friends come over and whatever, but like, I really was a bit of a recluse. 374 00:33:28,533.4693878 --> 00:33:29,523.4693878 I didn't go out much. 375 00:33:29,523.4693878 --> 00:33:34,803.4693878 I just was like, fill my fields and process everything finally. 376 00:33:34,903.4683878 --> 00:33:40,483.4693878 Um, but so I read a lot and that was a book, but I was really cautious with what I read. 377 00:33:40,483.5693878 --> 00:33:44,148.4693878 I, And I really wanted to make sure that it made me feel good. 378 00:33:44,148.4693878 --> 00:33:48,568.4693878 And it, you know, it was, it was inspiring in some way and it was like the book I didn't know I needed at the time. 379 00:33:48,568.4693878 --> 00:33:54,948.4693878 So I really feel like it was very serendipitous how it was like dropped into my lap like this, but that was like kind of a catalyst for me. 380 00:33:54,948.4693878 --> 00:33:57,358.4683878 And I'm like, okay, well that's interesting. 381 00:33:57,368.4693878 --> 00:33:58,588.4693878 That's an interesting perspective. 382 00:33:58,588.4693878 --> 00:34:00,618.4693878 Like what's next? What else can I do to like. 383 00:34:00,948.4693878 --> 00:34:03,88.4693878 make myself feel better a little bit. 384 00:34:03,198.4693878 --> 00:34:05,928.4693878 It's almost like, like working out in a weird way. 385 00:34:05,958.4693878 --> 00:34:10,308.4688878 And I'm gonna draw this comparison because like, yeah, sometimes we do not want to work out. 386 00:34:10,308.4688878 --> 00:34:11,18.4683878 We don't want to get up. 387 00:34:11,18.4683878 --> 00:34:11,908.4693878 We don't get out of bed. 388 00:34:11,908.4693878 --> 00:34:14,878.4683878 Like just starting is like the hardest part. 389 00:34:14,888.4683878 --> 00:34:16,458.4683878 It's like we were just saying about needing help. 390 00:34:16,748.4693878 --> 00:34:27,693.4693878 But then once you start, once you get into it, like Those endorphins get going like you get happier and you're just kind of like okay this actually feels good and then it makes you kind of want to do it more in theory. 391 00:34:28,73.4693878 --> 00:34:38,203.4693878 So I feel like there's a little bit of that to doing these little bits and pieces of things that feel good, spark joy as I like to say, kudos to Marie Kondo for that one. 392 00:34:38,643.4693878 --> 00:35:05,523.4693878 Um, and it really does, it does make a difference like whether or not we realize it and And we're honoring ourself and our loved one and our grief to be able to do that because to where to be in our the depths of our grief like 24 seven like it's not even not not only is it not really, you could probably speak to this even better than I can but it's like not healthy and it's like almost not even realistic, like to live in that space, and we just. 393 00:35:06,13.4693878 --> 00:35:12,843.4693878 We just owe it to ourselves to just, you know, bit by bit, like if we feel guilty, I know there's a lot of like guilt around this. 394 00:35:12,853.4693878 --> 00:35:15,913.4683878 So I want to like acknowledge that you've touched on that. 395 00:35:16,283.4693878 --> 00:35:18,843.4693878 Um, so I don't want to sit here and just be like, well, don't feel guilty. 396 00:35:18,853.4683878 --> 00:35:20,223.4688878 Like that's easier said than done. 397 00:35:20,223.4688878 --> 00:35:20,333.4683878 Right. 398 00:35:20,613.4693878 --> 00:35:32,513.4693878 But, but just, you know, again, like you kind of said, like, you know, bringing it into our, our daily routine or our little space, like, however it makes us feel comfortable, we can work up to it. 399 00:35:32,533.4693878 --> 00:35:41,703.4688878 Maybe work something into our morning routine that starts us off on the right foot and just, you know, gets us feeling a little bit hopeful, a little bit inspired for the day. 400 00:35:41,703.4688878 --> 00:35:46,923.4693878 And, you know, I hear that all the time about morning routines, especially like, you know, that really can help you. 401 00:35:47,468.4693878 --> 00:35:56,258.4693878 Kind of just set up the rest of your day, you know, um, and not that things can't come up and not that we might not be triggered or not that we might have some briefie moments or whatever. 402 00:35:56,268.4693878 --> 00:35:58,628.4683878 Those things are inevitable and it can happen. 403 00:35:58,628.4683878 --> 00:36:02,858.4683878 But, um, you know, I think it's an, it's a good coping tool. 404 00:36:02,868.4693878 --> 00:36:17,973.4683878 Cause then we'll be, if those things do come up, but we're in like a little bit better of a head space, we'll be able to like, you know, Hopefully we combat anything that comes to us a little bit better and like anything else I've learned at least in my own experience like this kind of thing does take time. 405 00:36:18,393.4693878 --> 00:36:30,923.4693878 Um, and it's finding the right things to, to make us happy, right? And like you said, like some of the things maybe that made us happy, like, Pre loss does not spark the same joy that it did post loss. 406 00:36:31,373.4693878 --> 00:36:32,803.4693878 Like, that can happen too, so. 407 00:36:33,593.4693878 --> 00:36:35,323.4693878 Yeah, absolutely. 408 00:36:36,383.4693878 --> 00:36:38,523.4688878 I am like a big feeler. 409 00:36:38,523.4688878 --> 00:36:42,713.4693878 I think that's one thing that is, that makes me a great therapist. 410 00:36:42,743.4693878 --> 00:36:47,113.4693878 It's, um, a sensitive feeler person. 411 00:36:47,153.4683878 --> 00:36:53,593.4693878 And, I could almost go to those heavy feelings a little too much. 412 00:36:53,603.4693878 --> 00:37:03,723.4683878 Like this is not something I like to say about myself, but like I very like comfortable with those heavy dark feelings. 413 00:37:03,733.4693878 --> 00:37:05,883.4693878 That's what makes me a great grief therapist. 414 00:37:06,143.4683878 --> 00:37:22,908.4693878 But also like I needed to also have some positivity Um, just a break, or even just a break from it, which, you know, that, yeah, about like that contrast of break, um, could, could seem really positive compared to like what I, like the feelings that I was in. 415 00:37:23,238.4683878 --> 00:37:26,878.4683878 And so, um, like you mentioned, routines really helped me. 416 00:37:27,513.4693878 --> 00:37:33,463.4693878 Um, in general, because I am a big feeler and a sensitive person, routines really helped me and they helped me a lot during grief. 417 00:37:33,473.4693878 --> 00:37:37,473.4683878 But you know, my routine now is not what it was during grief. 418 00:37:37,473.4693878 --> 00:37:42,283.4693878 It was a much gentler, like less, I had less expectations on myself during grief. 419 00:37:42,703.4693878 --> 00:37:54,373.4693878 Um, and also like, you know, I say this, but like five years out, and I appreciate that I'm saying this at a very different place than someone who might be listening to this, but gratitude really helped me. 420 00:37:55,33.4693878 --> 00:38:00,553.4693878 And it really helps me because I can be a little too comfortable with all the things that are wrong. 421 00:38:01,653.4693878 --> 00:38:10,853.4693878 So if I understand that might not be easy for someone to hear, like I'm saying, be grateful when the worst thing ever has happened to you. 422 00:38:11,353.4683878 --> 00:38:22,153.4693878 Um, but I just want to, you know, To just share that those things helped me and they're not my natural go to, but sometimes I need something different than my natural go to. 423 00:38:22,433.4693878 --> 00:38:23,23.4693878 Yes. 424 00:38:23,83.4693878 --> 00:38:23,483.4693878 Yeah. 425 00:38:23,523.4683878 --> 00:38:27,913.4693878 Okay, really quick before we go on to the next one, I just want to mention the gratitude that you just mentioned. 426 00:38:28,523.4693878 --> 00:38:30,243.4693878 I'm really glad you brought that up. 427 00:38:30,313.4683878 --> 00:38:31,273.4683878 It's not a Band Aid. 428 00:38:31,283.4683878 --> 00:38:35,533.4683878 It's not, it's not the end all be all, um, of. 429 00:38:35,918.4683878 --> 00:38:36,738.4683878 Of our grief. 430 00:38:36,768.4683878 --> 00:38:45,998.4683878 So I just want to set that expectation that like, it's, you know, it's not to just say like, okay, find gratitude with what's in front of you now. 431 00:38:46,378.4683878 --> 00:38:47,298.4683878 And that's it. 432 00:38:47,298.4683878 --> 00:38:51,8.4683878 And whatever, like gratitude comes in a lot of different. 433 00:38:51,613.4683878 --> 00:38:55,543.4683878 Forms and we can find it in a lot of different areas of our life. 434 00:38:55,563.4683878 --> 00:39:25,993.4683878 And no, it is not something we Need to tap into right away or nor do we I I preach gratitude practices for sure with anybody that I've coached or anything like that, but Um, is it the end all be all? No, it is like a little slice of the whole coping tools pie that is out there, but it it does You You know, in acknowledging what you do have right now, it does not negate what you have lost. 435 00:39:26,323.4683878 --> 00:39:28,763.4683878 It does not take away from what you've lost. 436 00:39:28,773.4683878 --> 00:39:33,273.4683878 And you can still mourn that just as deeply as you would. 437 00:39:33,818.4683878 --> 00:39:38,538.4683878 without gratitude, right? But we, you know, we do have limited time here. 438 00:39:38,538.4683878 --> 00:39:46,338.4673878 We do have, there is so much beauty around us still, even in grief, even after a loss. 439 00:39:46,658.4683878 --> 00:39:53,328.4683878 And so, yeah, so it's kind of like this positive mindset that we were talking about, you know, my mindset work is like such a big thing. 440 00:39:53,338.4683878 --> 00:39:59,448.4683878 That's a whole nother topic, but like, just to like, what does it hurt to spend You know, five minutes. 441 00:39:59,448.4683878 --> 00:40:02,308.4683878 Like, I have this in my, my Lost Becomes Gains daily journal. 442 00:40:02,308.4683878 --> 00:40:04,108.4683878 Like, there's a little bit of a gratitude thing in there. 443 00:40:04,108.4683878 --> 00:40:15,888.4683878 And like, what does it hurt to take two minutes out of your day to be like, what are three things I'm grateful for today? And I'm telling you, like, that, amongst many other things I did to help people. 444 00:40:16,68.4683878 --> 00:40:24,608.4683878 My healing journey with my grief, just that little bit, whether it was just the coffee I was drinking that day, or just like my dog being cute. 445 00:40:24,618.4683878 --> 00:40:34,298.4683878 And I was just like, grateful she was still around at the time, you know, like just those little things, how can that hurt you to acknowledge? Like, and just a little bit. 446 00:40:34,308.4673878 --> 00:40:41,848.4683878 So I, again, I just want to like set that expectation with the gratitude piece, but like, it's just a piece of. 447 00:40:43,48.4683878 --> 00:40:45,648.4683878 But it is an important piece, too. 448 00:40:46,228.4683878 --> 00:40:49,748.4683878 Yeah, and I guess, like, maybe that was really good, what you said. 449 00:40:49,748.5683878 --> 00:40:54,448.4683878 And maybe, like, I can kind of, like, talk about what I mean when I say gratitude. 450 00:40:54,778.4683878 --> 00:41:19,23.4683878 Like, for me, it was, I My gratitude was there's something in my life to live for there's some there's some day That it's going to be like almost like a hope not necessarily like oh everything in my life is good And I'm so happy about all this it was just like a sense of hope that It wasn't just gonna be this terrible all the time. 451 00:41:19,463.4683878 --> 00:41:24,108.4683878 And so So yeah, maybe hope is like a better word. 452 00:41:24,338.4683878 --> 00:41:24,678.4683878 Yeah. 453 00:41:25,378.4683878 --> 00:41:27,348.4683878 Both, kind of in their own ways. 454 00:41:27,638.4683878 --> 00:41:32,918.4683878 Like, yeah, and it's not, I understand we don't find that hope right away. 455 00:41:33,208.4683878 --> 00:41:35,838.4683878 It doesn't, it feels very far away sometimes. 456 00:41:35,838.4683878 --> 00:41:43,828.4683878 It feels like this like elusive thing and it's not like we have to be, We have this hope 24 seven necessarily. 457 00:41:43,978.4683878 --> 00:41:47,398.4683878 We all have our moments in life, whether we've lost a loved one or not. 458 00:41:47,398.4683878 --> 00:41:50,988.4673878 Like we grieve so many little things throughout the day. 459 00:41:50,998.4683878 --> 00:41:53,778.4683878 Like I said, we had talked about like a loss of expectation and things like that. 460 00:41:53,778.4683878 --> 00:41:57,648.4683878 Like, you know, there's little, little mini griefs that we have along the way too. 461 00:41:57,648.5683878 --> 00:41:58,288.3683878 So. 462 00:41:58,538.4683878 --> 00:42:12,928.4683878 Um, but yeah, I think paying attention to the things that, that do work out, that do bring us joy and happiness, that are adding value to our life, like, that deserves to be seen and, you know, appreciated. 463 00:42:13,288.4683878 --> 00:42:14,218.4683878 Mm hmm, yeah. 464 00:42:14,608.4683878 --> 00:42:16,748.4673878 And it was, it was a struggle for me. 465 00:42:17,363.4683878 --> 00:42:18,663.4683878 It, it really was. 466 00:42:18,673.4683878 --> 00:42:37,953.3683878 So if it, if you're hearing all this and you're thinking, oh my gosh, well I could never be like that, well I wasn't always like hopeful or grateful and, but I knew that that was not, like it was helpful for me to try to tap into that, even just for a little bit, even just tap into it some and then I could go back to them. 467 00:42:38,163.4683878 --> 00:42:39,883.4683878 You know, the dark, heavy feelings. 468 00:42:40,183.4683878 --> 00:42:41,963.4683878 I used to say I was in the underworld. 469 00:42:41,963.4683878 --> 00:42:42,583.4683878 I'm so ironic. 470 00:42:42,963.4683878 --> 00:42:46,583.4683878 I was like, I'm in the underworld and everyone else is on earth and they don't get me. 471 00:42:47,403.4683878 --> 00:42:48,653.4683878 But it wasn't helpful. 472 00:42:49,553.4683878 --> 00:42:50,733.4683878 Stay in that mindset. 473 00:42:50,763.4683878 --> 00:42:53,963.4683878 So, you know, like coming back to earth sometimes. 474 00:42:54,503.4683878 --> 00:42:54,703.4683878 Yeah. 475 00:42:54,783.4683878 --> 00:42:55,53.4683878 Yeah. 476 00:42:55,53.4683878 --> 00:42:56,403.4683878 Just visiting for like, yeah. 477 00:42:58,333.4683878 --> 00:42:58,883.4683878 Yeah. 478 00:42:58,963.4683878 --> 00:42:59,423.4683878 Yeah. 479 00:42:59,893.4683878 --> 00:43:04,73.4683878 But I really did feel like such a different species than everyone else. 480 00:43:04,473.4683878 --> 00:43:10,743.4683878 And even though, like, I had family going through the same losses, it just felt like it felt like I was so different. 481 00:43:11,83.4683878 --> 00:43:25,213.4673878 But actually, okay, so it's really funny that you mentioned the, like, the whole underworld, but like, what you just said about, I, I laugh, uh, with the feeling like a different species, because that actually is sort of a funny lead into the last grief myth that we have is. 482 00:43:25,563.4683878 --> 00:43:44,433.4683878 I need to get back to normal and I love that and I love how you just worded that because it's just like what is normal? Is there a normal? Am I normal? Will I ever be normal? Like what is normal? So what are your thoughts on that? Yeah, like, like I said, I kind of felt like I was separate, apart. 483 00:43:44,493.4673878 --> 00:43:45,383.4683878 I was in the underworld. 484 00:43:46,73.4683878 --> 00:43:53,143.4683878 Other people have said it's like they're on another planet and then it's this idea of like I've got to get back to how I was before. 485 00:43:53,143.4683878 --> 00:43:55,98.4683878 I've got to like, you know, Get myself together. 486 00:43:55,98.4683878 --> 00:43:58,298.4683878 My mom used to say like, you know, like get it together. 487 00:43:58,328.4683878 --> 00:43:59,698.4683878 Come on, like keep going. 488 00:43:59,698.4683878 --> 00:44:03,708.4673878 And that's not, that's not what you can do with grief. 489 00:44:03,878.4673878 --> 00:44:05,698.4673878 There is no getting back to normal. 490 00:44:05,698.4683878 --> 00:44:06,938.4683878 You are changed. 491 00:44:07,158.4683878 --> 00:44:09,388.4683878 And you have to grieve yourself as well. 492 00:44:09,918.4683878 --> 00:44:12,738.4673878 And this loss stays, stays with you. 493 00:44:12,738.4673878 --> 00:44:13,778.4683878 It impacts you. 494 00:44:13,778.5683878 --> 00:44:15,653.4683878 It's, you know, You're gonna be different. 495 00:44:15,963.4683878 --> 00:44:18,533.4683878 So that get that idea of I've got to get back to normal. 496 00:44:18,533.4683878 --> 00:44:20,383.4683878 I've got to get with it I've got to shake it off. 497 00:44:20,393.4683878 --> 00:44:39,728.4683878 I've got to get it together That's just not helpful because there is you have to learn how to live in this new normal And how to carry this loss and it's not your fault that you're Quote unquote not normal and I feel like that, um, that way of speaking to ourselves. 498 00:44:39,728.4683878 --> 00:44:42,458.4683878 I've got to get back to normal I've got to get it together shake it off. 499 00:44:42,648.4683878 --> 00:44:44,598.4683878 It's almost like it's my responsibility. 500 00:44:44,598.4683878 --> 00:44:56,843.4683878 It's my fault and really it's Like grief happens, tragic bad things happen, and it's okay to take time to slow down, and it's okay if you change, and of course you will. 501 00:44:57,183.4683878 --> 00:45:03,923.4673878 And maybe trying to write down, well, what is my new normal? That could be a great exercise for people. 502 00:45:03,923.4693878 --> 00:45:10,693.4683878 What, what did my life look like before? Or even, like, what does it look like now? Or even just, like, what is, New normal. 503 00:45:10,953.4683878 --> 00:45:17,203.4683878 New normal means that I'm parenting alone and new normal means that, you know, I had to move. 504 00:45:17,853.4683878 --> 00:45:21,653.4683878 And those might not be fun things to say, but it is good to define it. 505 00:45:21,893.4683878 --> 00:45:26,403.4673878 But, you know, new normal might mean me and my new neighbor have become pretty close. 506 00:45:28,763.4673878 --> 00:45:29,293.4673878 I love that. 507 00:45:29,293.4683878 --> 00:45:29,583.4678878 Yeah. 508 00:45:29,583.4678878 --> 00:45:35,493.4683878 I, I think I, I've mentioned this on the podcast too before, but like, you know, our brain is, it's, you know, It's different. 509 00:45:35,503.4683878 --> 00:45:36,183.4683878 It's changed. 510 00:45:36,183.4683878 --> 00:45:37,443.4683878 It's rewiring. 511 00:45:37,443.4683878 --> 00:45:38,63.4683878 It's still in the process. 512 00:45:38,93.4683878 --> 00:45:40,863.4683878 I mean, I'm probably, that process probably never ends. 513 00:45:41,133.4683878 --> 00:45:42,563.4683878 Like I, like I know what I'm talking about. 514 00:45:42,563.4683878 --> 00:45:49,823.4678878 I'm not a scientist, but like, but you know, we're kind of ever changing and ever evolving regardless of whether or not we've been through a lot. 515 00:45:49,823.4678878 --> 00:45:57,403.4683878 So, you know, with our, with experience and experiences, like our brain, you know, takes all that in, it processes it. 516 00:45:58,68.4683878 --> 00:46:54,773.4673878 gives us new predictions and develops patterns and things based on what we we go through what we live through and everything and so you know oh my god our poor brain like we have to give that time to to catch up and figure it all out too and it's it's doing its best to do that but um but yeah to like to rush the process I get you know again I know there's a lot of external factors that can make us feel like we need to get back to normal and Also, too, you know, get back to normal can mean a lot of things as well, like, I guess that's sort of in the eye of the beholder, but like, you know, a lot of people might also think like, I need to get back into my routine, or I, oh my god, I have to go back to work on Monday, and like, what is that gonna look like? And oh, that's not, that doesn't feel normal anymore, you know, how am I even supposed to do that? And so, Like a lot of the things we've talked about today, I feel like it's just something that can really mean a lot of things and look different depending on the situation. 517 00:46:55,303.4683878 --> 00:47:04,43.4673878 Um, but yeah, I think, I think really just overall knowing that your normal has changed, there is kind of no going back to what it was before. 518 00:47:04,528.4683878 --> 00:47:14,578.4683878 And then you almost mourn that you're like, well, damn, I, I liked how things were, but it's just like, but you know, unfortunately, if the circumstances are what they are, you can't change it. 519 00:47:14,578.4683878 --> 00:47:50,608.4673878 Like, I love that exercise that you mentioned doing because it's I feel like it grounds you in reality a little bit, whether or not you're, you've even processed it yet, like, I don't know, I don't wanna speak for you, but I'm sure you can empathize with this, like, as far as not having our parents around, like, I mean, there are still some days where I'm, I, I am trying to figure that out, or I'm trying to like, be like, wow, that actually happened, but like, by and large, I processed it, but, Um, you know, that normal now, like, that's completely different to when they were here and alive and happy and everything was fine. 520 00:47:50,618.4683878 --> 00:47:57,588.4683878 So yeah, it's like you've been saying, you know, carrying our grief differently, figuring out how to do that. 521 00:47:57,588.4683878 --> 00:48:07,558.4683878 And, you know, there's that whole, like, time heals all wounds myth that we've talked about, but like, I think that's why people often say that, or there's, oh, give it time, be patient, whatever. 522 00:48:08,598.4683878 --> 00:48:16,128.4683878 There is like a tiny bit of truth to that in some of the cases where like, yeah, some of it is going to take time for the intensity of it all to lessen. 523 00:48:17,78.4683878 --> 00:48:34,933.4683878 For us to get used to living in this new normal, whatever that means for us now, but that's why Talking to somebody, coping tools, finding the right things to help us along is so important because as we've mentioned Hopefully this goes without saying, time alone is not going to Do that for us. 524 00:48:34,953.4683878 --> 00:48:36,833.4683878 You know? Yeah. 525 00:48:36,993.4683878 --> 00:48:40,13.4683878 I like what you said about like that. 526 00:48:40,13.4683878 --> 00:48:41,73.4683878 Give, get back to normal. 527 00:48:41,73.4683878 --> 00:48:43,193.4683878 I mean, different, something different to everyone. 528 00:48:43,203.4683878 --> 00:48:47,293.4683878 That's such a good point because you might think, Oh, I've got to get back to normal. 529 00:48:47,303.4683878 --> 00:48:48,693.4683878 Like I've got to get back to work. 530 00:48:48,693.4683878 --> 00:48:52,523.4683878 And if I'm back at work doing my thing, then I'm back to normal. 531 00:48:52,743.4673878 --> 00:49:00,418.3683878 But really you're cognitively, like you talked about with your brain, so overloaded with processing and trying to, Yeah. 532 00:49:00,688.4683878 --> 00:49:10,168.4683878 Navigate, even in your own brain, this loss and so then your ability to think about spreadsheets and emails or whatever it is that you do. 533 00:49:10,468.4683878 --> 00:49:20,8.4673878 So you might be in the building, you know, where technically he's working, but you're not back to quote unquote normal. 534 00:49:20,38.4683878 --> 00:49:22,398.4683878 Your mind is like on another planet somewhere. 535 00:49:22,718.4683878 --> 00:49:23,128.4683878 Yes. 536 00:49:23,168.4683878 --> 00:49:23,938.4683878 In the underworld. 537 00:49:23,938.4683878 --> 00:49:37,863.4673878 I Don't be patient with yourself that it takes a long time and, uh, I wish that corporate America understood this point because yeah, getting back to, yeah, that's a whole other podcast. 538 00:49:37,863.4683878 --> 00:49:44,623.4678878 Isn't it? I actually did literally do an entire podcast episode, not on that specifically, but just about grieving while at work. 539 00:49:44,623.4678878 --> 00:49:47,263.4683878 And that's, Oh my God, that's like a whole nother animal. 540 00:49:47,303.4683878 --> 00:50:08,388.4693878 But um, but yeah, there's like, yeah, a normalcy, you know, To that, how, you know, whether if you're, if you're a parent and you're parenting, whether it's a partner loss or it's a child loss or whatever else around you, like, yeah, I mean, it's just figuring out what normal even means or looks like without this void in our life, whatever this is. 541 00:50:08,408.4673878 --> 00:50:10,648.4683878 Um, uh, Yeah. 542 00:50:10,818.4683878 --> 00:50:12,548.4683878 I mean, that's the nature of the beast. 543 00:50:12,548.4683878 --> 00:50:12,828.4683878 Yeah. 544 00:50:13,68.4683878 --> 00:50:14,478.4683878 Yeah, absolutely. 545 00:50:14,478.4683878 --> 00:50:19,408.4683878 And yeah, you might be in the world doing the things that you were doing before, but you're showing up so differently. 546 00:50:19,408.4683878 --> 00:50:42,303.4683878 I can remember thinking about, well, how do, how do I have friendships? now because I'm so I felt that I was so different than the people around me and that I didn't know if I should be like Shay the friend who's cool and happy to be here or like Shay the griever who's Yeah, like could cry at any minute. 547 00:50:42,613.4683878 --> 00:50:46,83.4683878 And so it was really hard to, for myself to balance that. 548 00:50:46,83.4683878 --> 00:50:52,183.4673878 And I remember, um, speaking to someone about this, um, she, she wasn't my therapist, but she was a therapist friend. 549 00:50:52,783.4683878 --> 00:50:57,123.4678878 And, um, I was like, I just don't know how I'm doing at these social interactions. 550 00:50:57,123.4678878 --> 00:51:04,98.4683878 And she was like, does Tim say anything afterwards? Because I, I would ask my husband, like, how did I do? And he said that I was fine. 551 00:51:04,428.4683878 --> 00:51:07,948.4683878 And she said, well, you needed to trust him that you're doing okay. 552 00:51:08,158.4683878 --> 00:51:14,628.4683878 But I didn't feel like I was doing a good job of being normal because I felt so strange. 553 00:51:15,68.4683878 --> 00:51:19,928.4683878 And, but that's, that's something I really stuck with me that she was right. 554 00:51:19,928.4683878 --> 00:51:22,658.4683878 I needed to trust him that I was doing okay. 555 00:51:22,658.4683878 --> 00:51:25,518.4683878 And that's, you know, people who love me would kind of help me if I wasn't. 556 00:51:25,768.4683878 --> 00:51:29,28.4683878 But I think that's something that I, I encounter with grievers. 557 00:51:29,28.4683878 --> 00:51:29,808.4683878 I work with a lot. 558 00:51:29,818.4683878 --> 00:51:38,973.4683878 They kind of, Feel like they seem so different and then they're like upset that work is treating them the same But I'm like, but you seem okay. 559 00:51:38,973.4683878 --> 00:51:40,673.4683878 You seem like yourself. 560 00:51:40,673.4683878 --> 00:51:42,573.4683878 We are so good at doing that. 561 00:51:43,133.4673878 --> 00:51:43,723.4673878 Yes. 562 00:51:44,343.4673878 --> 00:51:53,393.4673878 Oh my god That's an amazing point I I'm actually really glad you brought that up and we can kind of I think that's a perfect place to wrap this episode up Because that is such a great point. 563 00:51:53,393.4673878 --> 00:52:41,873.4678878 There are so many Of us out there that can put on a really good poker face or we are Dying inside, but we are like trying our best to show up whether that is at work whether that's Figuring out how to be like the same friend that we were but like we are different now in some way But we're we're still trying to figure out what that even Means and looks like and we don't even know yet or like we and you know Yeah that that can all evolve like what we end up Doing in our careers what the friendships that we keep or we don't you know, sometimes grief enables us to grow, which is amazing, but sometimes that means evolving out of things that no longer bring value to our lives or no longer serve us in some ways. 564 00:52:41,873.4678878 --> 00:52:50,983.4683878 And, and that's, you know, a gift in a weird, twisted way, but also that's yet another thing that we have to navigate. 565 00:52:50,983.4683878 --> 00:53:23,318.4683878 So I think like, With so many of these, these myths and things that we've been talking about, like, it's just a testament to the fact that, like, when we, when so many people think of grief, it's like this earlier on process, and it's, it's, there's such this misconception that it doesn't go on for as long as it does, but like, if anybody takes away anything here today, or if they're, you know, you're even years out and still struggling or whatever, or if you're like, Early in your grief, so to speak, but like, you're kind of trying to get a roadmap of like, what it's going to look like. 566 00:53:23,518.4683878 --> 00:53:30,878.3683878 There's no freaking roadmap, okay? I hate to break it to you, but like, there's no But there's a mini series that you can get. 567 00:53:30,878.4683878 --> 00:53:35,568.4683878 It's just, we're all just figuring it out as we go, so we can laugh about it now. 568 00:53:35,838.4673878 --> 00:53:46,638.4673878 But at the same time, I hope in like, we laugh, but like, in a way, I hope that's like, comforting, because like, we're all just, it's like parenting, like you're just here trying to figure it out, don't know. 569 00:53:47,628.4683878 --> 00:53:52,958.4683878 You know, depends on the day, like, you know, but we can all sort of. 570 00:53:53,308.4683878 --> 00:53:56,488.4683878 Embrace that chaos together in some ways. 571 00:53:56,528.4683878 --> 00:54:07,238.4683878 And, um, but yeah, that's like, again, going back to, you know, the, the second grief myths today, it's just like getting the help that you need in whatever way that you might need it. 572 00:54:07,518.4673878 --> 00:54:30,273.4683878 If you're even questioning, I'm not questioning getting help, but if you're, it's kind of like what we were saying too, it was like, if you're kind of putting it off for whatever reason, or if you're kind of iffy on it or on the fence, like there's, If you're even thinking about needing help or getting help, like there's probably something in, in you that's like, yeah, let's, let's, yeah, get some help. 573 00:54:30,273.5683878 --> 00:54:33,533.4683878 So, uh, there's so many Yeah, invest in yourself. 574 00:54:33,933.4683878 --> 00:54:36,133.4673878 Yeah, yeah, trust your intuition, for sure. 575 00:54:36,173.4673878 --> 00:54:46,93.4683878 Mm hmm, mm hmm, yeah, and there's lots of ways, like, you have a membership, I do one on one, I think you do one on one, too, and then I have the series, so Yep, groups. 576 00:54:46,518.4683878 --> 00:54:58,38.4683878 Um, like you mentioned, Facebook groups, there's other kinds of grief groups out there, books, all kinds of ways, podcasts, like listening to, I listened to a lot of podcasts, that was very comforting for me. 577 00:54:58,318.4683878 --> 00:55:00,418.4683878 Yeah, yeah, same, for sure. 578 00:55:01,28.4683878 --> 00:55:24,128.4683878 Yeah, and so I, yeah, hopefully anybody listening today can just, you know, again, walk away with the fact that, like, help is out there, you're, you're just fine for needing it, we all do along the way, whether you need it right now or you might down the line, like, it's out there, it's available, thankfully, like, yes, there's still a long way to go as far as, like, grief literacy, but it is improving, there is more and more help out there. 579 00:55:24,128.4683878 --> 00:55:25,338.4683878 So hopefully. 580 00:55:25,338.5683878 --> 00:55:25,613.3683878 Bye. 581 00:55:25,813.4683878 --> 00:55:25,923.4683878 Yeah. 582 00:55:26,283.4683878 --> 00:55:26,733.4683878 That helps. 583 00:55:27,193.4683878 --> 00:55:28,563.4683878 That's a good point. 584 00:55:28,583.4683878 --> 00:55:34,853.4683878 That's out there, thankfully, like, because the grief has shifted so much in the psychology world. 585 00:55:35,363.4673878 --> 00:55:35,563.4673878 Yeah. 586 00:55:35,623.4683878 --> 00:55:40,603.4683878 Roy used to say that there was something wrong with you if you were grieving and thinking about the person who died. 587 00:55:40,603.4683878 --> 00:55:45,63.4683878 You need to just get back into, get back to normal, I guess Roy would have said that. 588 00:55:45,73.4683878 --> 00:55:50,863.4683878 So I'm so glad that we're at this point now and of course there's a, there's still ways to go. 589 00:55:50,863.4683878 --> 00:55:56,648.4683878 But I, You know, I think that we do have a lot of resources today, thankfully. 590 00:55:57,168.4683878 --> 00:56:09,538.4683878 Yeah, and I, hopefully it's becoming more, like, normalized, that like, I think there's a, a little ways to go on this one too, but you know, grief is something that we all do go through, we all will go through. 591 00:56:09,998.4683878 --> 00:56:16,48.4683878 Um, and there's, there's, again, there's just, there's no shame in getting the help. 592 00:56:16,58.4683878 --> 00:56:18,848.4673878 There's no, like I said, there's no rule book. 593 00:56:18,848.4683878 --> 00:56:20,758.4683878 There's no roadmap, so to speak. 594 00:56:20,758.4683878 --> 00:56:26,418.4673878 There are things out there to help, but it's like, we've all talked about today, just to summarize this, like it's also individualized. 595 00:56:26,788.4683878 --> 00:56:29,318.4683878 We all just need to kind of find what works for us. 596 00:56:29,318.4683878 --> 00:56:30,308.4683878 But that's the beautiful part. 597 00:56:30,318.4683878 --> 00:56:36,853.4683878 And like, and I always encourage people, like, Dare I say, have some fun doing that? Like, I don't want that to sound like more work. 598 00:56:37,163.4683878 --> 00:56:50,473.4673878 It's just kind of like, well, use this, listen, if we can't change our circumstances, we didn't ask for this, certainly, but this is a really unique opportunity that we now have to rediscover ourselves a little bit. 599 00:56:50,513.4683878 --> 00:56:57,173.4673878 And yeah, we might mourn what our normal was previously, but there is. 600 00:56:57,853.4683878 --> 00:57:11,613.4673878 I don't want to say opportunity that comes with grief and loss, but there's just, you know, there is an opportunity for growth and learnings and this evolution that we, we might not have gone through had we not experienced what we have. 601 00:57:11,633.4683878 --> 00:57:21,753.4683878 So I'm not trying to say that it's like a light at the end of the tunnel per se, or that there's like, that's the silver lining, but you know, just, just to prop that door open today in case anybody needed to hear that. 602 00:57:22,323.4683878 --> 00:57:23,923.4683878 I just wanted to throw that out there. 603 00:57:24,473.4683878 --> 00:57:25,733.4683878 Yeah, absolutely. 604 00:57:25,783.4683878 --> 00:57:27,383.4683878 I mean, like looking back on. 605 00:57:28,93.4683878 --> 00:57:33,433.4683878 Yeah, it was horrible, you know, the journey, I guess, that you could say that I went through. 606 00:57:33,433.5683878 --> 00:57:39,233.4683878 But um, but I'm in a different place now and that's possible because I did get help. 607 00:57:40,773.4683878 --> 00:57:41,233.4683878 Perfect. 608 00:57:41,303.4683878 --> 00:57:41,883.4673878 Well said. 609 00:57:41,993.4673878 --> 00:57:42,333.4673878 Yeah. 610 00:57:42,603.4683878 --> 00:57:43,53.4683878 Same here. 611 00:57:43,963.4683878 --> 00:57:44,613.4673878 All right. 612 00:57:44,623.4683878 --> 00:57:46,443.4673878 This was a great conversation. 613 00:57:46,453.4673878 --> 00:57:47,123.4683878 As usual. 614 00:57:47,123.4683878 --> 00:57:50,143.4683878 I love how these just go in like all different directions. 615 00:57:50,363.4683878 --> 00:57:50,753.4683878 Me too. 616 00:57:50,963.4683878 --> 00:57:52,23.4683878 Like, it's so good. 617 00:57:52,23.4683878 --> 00:57:54,23.4683878 I want these conversations to be open. 618 00:57:54,418.4683878 --> 00:58:00,828.4683878 For what, whatever comes up, because I truly meant to, I think that whatever is meant to be said in these episodes are things that people need to hear. 619 00:58:00,828.4683878 --> 00:58:06,688.4683878 So, uh, if you're listening today and you've made it this far, thank you so much for tuning in and listening to this. 620 00:58:06,988.4673878 --> 00:58:13,348.4673878 Like I said, Shay's Grief Myths mini series, you can find all of that, the link on that in the show notes and all of that. 621 00:58:13,488.4683878 --> 00:58:23,488.4683878 Shay, really quick, um, can you just mention, like, your website and all that, like, where people can find you on social media and all that good stuff? Yeah, my website where the miniseries is, is the grief girly.com, 622 00:58:23,518.4683878 --> 00:58:29,473.4683878 and I'm known on the internet as the grief girly, and on Instagram and TikTok at the Grief Girly. 623 00:58:30,373.4683878 --> 00:58:30,743.4683878 Awesome. 624 00:58:30,913.4683878 --> 00:58:31,683.4683878 Nice and consistent. 625 00:58:31,713.4683878 --> 00:58:32,363.4683878 Easy to remember. 626 00:58:34,553.4683878 --> 00:58:34,633.4683878 Yes. 627 00:58:35,263.4683878 --> 00:58:35,543.4683878 Yeah. 628 00:58:35,543.4683878 --> 00:58:38,363.4683878 Well, thank you so much for this amazing conversation today. 629 00:58:38,383.4683878 --> 00:58:40,343.4673878 Loved every second of it, as usual. 630 00:58:40,363.4683878 --> 00:58:42,643.4673878 And yes, everybody go check that out. 631 00:58:42,663.4683878 --> 00:58:44,133.4683878 Remember you are not alone. 632 00:58:44,143.4673878 --> 00:58:47,653.4683878 We are here to help, put smiles on your faces, all the good things. 633 00:58:47,983.4683878 --> 00:58:50,503.4683878 And we're just sending everyone lots of love today. 634 00:58:51,563.4683878 --> 00:58:55,163.4683878 I am sending you a huge thank you for tuning into today's episode. 635 00:58:55,193.4683878 --> 00:58:55,673.4683878 My friend. 636 00:58:56,33.4683878 --> 00:58:57,293.4683878 I'm so grateful you're here. 637 00:58:57,293.4683878 --> 00:58:59,783.4683878 And for the steps you were taking to heal your heart. 638 00:59:00,143.4683878 --> 00:59:00,983.4683878 Open your mind. 639 00:59:01,253.4683878 --> 00:59:09,443.4683878 Fulfill your soul learn, grow, and evolve and move through this crazy thing called life in big, beautiful, impactful ways. 640 00:59:10,13.4683878 --> 00:59:11,873.4683878 Visit losses become gains.com 641 00:59:11,873.4683878 --> 00:59:12,653.4683878 for my blog. 642 00:59:12,923.4683878 --> 00:59:22,163.4683878 Ways to work with me to shop my daily journal and so much more, and be sure you're following along on Instagram and Facebook at life with grief podcast. 643 00:59:22,563.4683878 --> 00:59:27,453.4683878 I love seeing new faces, meeting new people, hearing your stories and supporting you. 644 00:59:27,483.4683878 --> 00:59:28,443.4683878 However I can. 645 00:59:28,953.4683878 --> 00:59:30,363.4683878 Be sure to hit that subscribe button. 646 00:59:30,363.4683878 --> 00:59:34,653.4683878 If you haven't already, if you haven't left a rating or review, please do so. 647 00:59:34,653.4683878 --> 00:59:35,913.4683878 I would so appreciate it. 648 00:59:36,213.4683878 --> 00:59:41,523.4683878 Or if you feel so inclined to share this episode or this podcast with someone who could use it too. 649 00:59:42,213.4683878 --> 00:59:43,743.4683878 I'll catch you in the next episode.

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051. Busting Common Grief Myths with Shea Wingate, Part 2

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