052. How to Cope with Insensitive Comments in Grief

As if grief isn't difficult enough, insensitive, ignorant, and unnecessary comments are, sadly, a common occurrence for so many of us. These kinds of remarks will likely come our way at some point as we're grieving. Things like…

• You should be doing [fill in the blank].
• You need to let it go.
• People speaking on behalf of our loved one who has died, like putting words in their mouth about what they would be thinking, feeling, or saying.
• Why are you dwelling on it?
• You should get over it by now.
• You should be moved on… why aren’t you moved on?
• Do you think it’s healthy to think or talk about it this much?

And SO many more! So, I wanted to cover this topic because there are so many complexities to it. And the thing is, comments like this can really hurt, right?! They can even set us back in our grieving and healing journey. I want us to have a very open, honest, and raw conversation about it. And, of course, equip you with some tools and guidance on how to cope with this—and how to manage these comments—if this comes up as you’re trying to navigate your grief, life after loss, and everything in between. Work with me: Explore my Life With Grief membership: https://lossesbecomegains.com/membership Work with me one-on-one: https://lossesbecomegains.com/work-with-tara

 

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Episode Transcript

(00:00):
.9999999998It is more likely something about them. 2 00:00:04,409.9999999999 --> 00:00:12,570 Perhaps something they have not worked through, perhaps it is a reflection on their life and their experiences than it is about you.

(00:13):
So please always remember that.
When they say things like this to us, if anything, this was truly a learning experience for me personally, at least.
So reframe it, think about it that way.
And the beauty of it is, and again, you guys, this is the essence of growing and grief.
It changes you.
You are simply not the same person that you once were.

(00:36):
And it shifts your perspective. 10 00:00:39,923.673742808 --> 00:00:42,563.673742808 This is the life with grief podcast. 11 00:00:42,953.673742808 --> 00:00:50,663.673742808 The podcast that talks about and normalizes the complexities of grief life after loss and all this entails and so much more. 12 00:00:51,203.673742808 --> 00:01:00,683.673742808 I want you to think of this podcast as a safe space, where I'm a friendly face, and we're just journeying through this together to figure out how to live life with our grief in tow. 13 00:01:01,133.673742808 --> 00:01:02,753.673742808 I'm your host, Tara Acardo. 14 00:01:03,83.673742808 --> 00:01:06,593.673742808 I'm a grief and transformational life coach, and I'm here to serve you. 15 00:01:06,623.673742808 --> 00:01:16,343.673742808 Guidance, support, tangible coping tools, inspiration, and some laughs along the way to help you cultivate a more meaningful, intentional, and beautiful life. 16 00:01:16,883.673742808 --> 00:01:24,473.673742808 But grieving or not, we're getting into countless topics here on the podcast from coping with loss to self-development and so much more. 17 00:01:24,953.673742808 --> 00:01:25,763.673742808 I'm so grateful. 18 00:01:25,763.673742808 --> 00:01:26,363.673742808 You're here. 19 00:01:26,813.673742808 --> 00:01:27,803.673742808 Let's dive right in. 20 00:01:28,951.05140102 --> 00:01:33,151.05140102 hello, and welcome back to the life with grief podcast. 21 00:01:33,181.05140102 --> 00:01:37,231.05140102 I'm your host, Tara Cardo and today's topic. 22 00:01:37,261.05140102 --> 00:01:40,171.05140102 I have actually wanted to tackle on here for a while. 23 00:01:40,171.05140102 --> 00:01:40,771.05140102 I have. 24 00:01:41,131.05140102 --> 00:01:47,371.05140102 Posted things about this here and there on social media, but I really wanted to have a dedicated episode. 25 00:01:47,881.05140102 --> 00:01:51,121.05140102 To cover this because there are so many. 26 00:01:51,751.05140102 --> 00:01:56,71.05140102 Complexities to this and things to say about it. 27 00:01:56,101.05140102 --> 00:02:03,781.05140102 And I really just wanted to have a space here where we can have a very open and honest and. 28 00:02:04,231.05140102 --> 00:02:06,241.05140102 Raw conversation about it. 29 00:02:06,691.05140102 --> 00:02:18,571.05140102 And also to be able to give you some tools and a little bit of guidance on how to cope with this, if this comes up in your grief, which it inevitably will at some point along the line. 30 00:02:18,621.05140102 --> 00:02:24,411.05140102 So, what am I talking about here? We are digging into how to cope with insensitive comments. 31 00:02:24,931.05140102 --> 00:02:27,321.05140102 in our grief as we are grieving. 32 00:02:27,321.05140102 --> 00:02:35,481.05140102 And as we are trying so desperately to navigate this journey of life after loss and everything it entails and. 33 00:02:36,771.05140102 --> 00:02:40,971.05140102 Honestly, like as if grief isn't difficult enough. 34 00:02:41,421.05140102 --> 00:02:48,531.05140102 Insensitive and ignorant and unnecessary comments are sadly inevitable. 35 00:02:48,861.05140102 --> 00:02:50,181.05140102 In the grieving process. 36 00:02:50,241.05140102 --> 00:02:57,531.05140102 And I have definitely had my fair share of things said to me, I know many grievers out there that have people. 37 00:02:57,561.05140102 --> 00:03:00,81.05140102 I have coached people in my membership, people. 38 00:03:00,351.05140102 --> 00:03:07,641.05140102 Just spoken with on social media that we're like, oh my gosh, I can totally empathize with what happened to you here. 39 00:03:07,761.05140102 --> 00:03:09,261.05140102 This is what someone said to me. 40 00:03:09,901.05140102 --> 00:03:19,51.05140102 And it's baffling sometimes because we're sometimes left wondering, Do you like, do you feel like you're helping me like. 41 00:03:19,831.05140102 --> 00:03:24,421.05140102 What are these comments? Adding to the conversation. 42 00:03:24,421.05140102 --> 00:03:32,221.05140102 How is this adding value to my life? How was this? Helping me through a painful and difficult time. 43 00:03:33,391.05140102 --> 00:03:36,901.05140102 And you know what you guys, I don't have the answer to that, right. 44 00:03:36,901.05140102 --> 00:03:39,271.05140102 Because it is so situational. 45 00:03:39,271.05140102 --> 00:03:50,491.05140102 It depends so much on who is saying it and in what context it's coming from and all of the things, but today I really just want to have a high level conversation about it. 46 00:03:50,551.05140102 --> 00:03:54,271.05140102 I am so sure that so many of you will be able. 47 00:03:54,781.05140102 --> 00:04:04,291.05140102 To empathize with a lot of the things that I'm saying here, or perhaps you've had things like this said to you, if you have let's talk about it, please let me know. 48 00:04:04,801.05140102 --> 00:04:06,481.05140102 Hit me up on Instagram. 49 00:04:06,481.05140102 --> 00:04:09,151.05140102 Like you are welcome to send me an email, like. 50 00:04:10,231.05140102 --> 00:04:14,521.05140102 I want to talk about this and I really just want to support you because. 51 00:04:15,301.05140102 --> 00:04:27,751.05140102 We're going to talk about, you know, what insensitive comments can do to us in our grief, but really, it just makes the process that much more difficult and it can really hinder our growth. 52 00:04:27,781.05140102 --> 00:04:30,691.05140102 So we're going to get into all of that, but. 53 00:04:31,391.05140102 --> 00:04:37,571.05140102 To kick this episode off, I'm going to approach it a little differently. 54 00:04:37,571.05140102 --> 00:04:41,21.05140102 I'm gonna share something a little spicy. 55 00:04:42,111.05140102 --> 00:04:46,701.05140102 But that being said, I will not be sharing this individual's name. 56 00:04:46,701.05140102 --> 00:04:51,351.05140102 Of course, frankly, I don't think they even listened to this podcast. 57 00:04:51,351.05140102 --> 00:04:53,391.05140102 They might not even know that I have a podcast. 58 00:04:53,871.05140102 --> 00:04:57,321.05140102 Uh, but they are very aware of losses become gains. 59 00:04:57,321.05140102 --> 00:04:59,211.05140102 They are aware of the work that I do. 60 00:05:00,261.05140102 --> 00:05:03,611.05140102 And all I will say is they worked with my mom. 61 00:05:04,31.05140102 --> 00:05:11,261.05140102 At some point in her career and they sent me this series of messages. 62 00:05:12,191.05140102 --> 00:05:14,741.05140102 Not actually that long ago. 63 00:05:15,431.05140102 --> 00:05:16,331.05140102 And. 64 00:05:17,21.05140102 --> 00:05:18,521.05140102 When I tell you. 65 00:05:18,941.05140102 --> 00:05:22,361.05140102 That it sent me spiraling a little bit. 66 00:05:23,321.05140102 --> 00:05:25,451.05140102 That is an understatement. 67 00:05:25,541.05140102 --> 00:05:26,111.05140102 I. 68 00:05:27,11.05140102 --> 00:05:27,821.05140102 Recovered. 69 00:05:28,451.05140102 --> 00:05:32,891.05140102 It wasn't like it's set me back in my grief per se. 70 00:05:33,581.05140102 --> 00:05:39,911.05140102 It really just made me feel profoundly misunderstood. 71 00:05:40,601.05140102 --> 00:05:42,101.05140102 Very judged. 72 00:05:42,971.05140102 --> 00:05:48,731.05140102 And really just very sad, but I had a very visceral reaction. 73 00:05:49,301.05140102 --> 00:05:51,401.05140102 To these messages and. 74 00:05:52,121.05140102 --> 00:05:54,851.05140102 So I honestly just wanted to share these. 75 00:05:54,911.05140102 --> 00:06:03,611.05140102 And again, just in this spirit of being very open and very vulnerable, very, just like I'm here sharing my story. 76 00:06:04,151.05140102 --> 00:06:10,31.05140102 I really feel like this is just a perfect example of what we're talking about today. 77 00:06:10,91.05140102 --> 00:06:17,291.05140102 So for those who are watching this on the video version of you are seeing I'm grabbing my phone right now. 78 00:06:17,921.05140102 --> 00:06:23,921.05140102 So I can read these messages verbatim because summarizing them simply does not do them justice. 79 00:06:23,951.05140102 --> 00:06:24,431.05140102 So. 80 00:06:25,811.05140102 --> 00:06:26,501.05140102 So here we go. 81 00:06:28,61.05140102 --> 00:06:29,291.05140102 This individual said. 82 00:06:30,161.05140102 --> 00:06:33,761.05140102 I was a friend of your mother, not a close friend for 10 years. 83 00:06:34,541.05140102 --> 00:06:37,871.05140102 I'm not sure that your mother would approve what you are doing right now. 84 00:06:38,771.05140102 --> 00:06:40,541.05140102 Making grief into a business. 85 00:06:41,471.05140102 --> 00:06:44,111.05140102 We all have lost loved ones during the years. 86 00:06:45,491.05140102 --> 00:06:48,701.05140102 To go on the internet to get some kind of degree. 87 00:06:48,941.05140102 --> 00:06:50,321.05140102 Doesn't make it for me. 88 00:06:51,71.05140102 --> 00:06:52,181.05140102 I loved your mother. 89 00:06:52,421.05140102 --> 00:06:53,531.05140102 She passed away. 90 00:06:53,711.05140102 --> 00:06:54,461.05140102 That's it. 91 00:06:55,91.05140102 --> 00:06:56,291.05140102 Very sad about that. 92 00:06:56,921.05140102 --> 00:06:58,181.05140102 We all have to move on. 93 00:06:58,781.05140102 --> 00:06:59,801.05140102 Life is precious. 94 00:07:01,1.05140102 --> 00:07:04,631.05140102 I might delete you just because you bring up so much sadness. 95 00:07:05,381.05140102 --> 00:07:07,361.05140102 Let it go for heaven sakes. 96 00:07:07,931.05140102 --> 00:07:09,131.05140102 Your parents are gone. 97 00:07:09,611.05140102 --> 00:07:11,861.05140102 Live for your newborn and your husband. 98 00:07:12,551.05140102 --> 00:07:14,291.05140102 Just let it go. 99 00:07:14,681.05140102 --> 00:07:18,761.05140102 With many, many, many owes sort of like from frozen, let it go kind of thing. 100 00:07:20,561.05140102 --> 00:07:21,101.05140102 I'm not done. 101 00:07:21,941.05140102 --> 00:07:23,261.05140102 She continued to say. 102 00:07:24,71.05140102 --> 00:07:27,191.05140102 My father passed away and also my mother in one year. 103 00:07:27,821.05140102 --> 00:07:29,801.05140102 What you are bringing out is not good. 104 00:07:30,461.05140102 --> 00:07:31,691.05140102 Stop talking about it. 105 00:07:32,411.05140102 --> 00:07:34,121.05140102 You are not a certified professional. 106 00:07:34,541.05140102 --> 00:07:35,681.05140102 I am fine right now. 107 00:07:37,151.05140102 --> 00:07:39,761.05140102 I lost my father and my mother and my brother. 108 00:07:40,541.05140102 --> 00:07:42,371.05140102 Don't tell me what pain is all about. 109 00:07:42,911.05140102 --> 00:07:44,231.05140102 I really know what it is. 110 00:07:44,891.05140102 --> 00:07:45,971.05140102 Time to let it go. 111 00:07:46,841.05140102 --> 00:07:48,191.05140102 You have to do the same thing. 112 00:07:49,91.05140102 --> 00:07:50,891.05140102 You are not the only one to lose someone. 113 00:07:53,921.05140102 --> 00:07:54,641.05140102 So. 114 00:07:56,501.05140102 --> 00:07:59,321.05140102 Even just saying that aloud. 115 00:07:59,981.05140102 --> 00:08:02,501.05140102 Is I actually, I'll be honest with you. 116 00:08:02,501.05140102 --> 00:08:05,921.05140102 I only looked at this one other time since I received these messages. 117 00:08:05,921.05140102 --> 00:08:08,141.05140102 So reading them aloud like that is. 118 00:08:08,371.05140102 --> 00:08:09,961.05140102 It's a bit triggering, to be honest. 119 00:08:11,571.05140102 --> 00:08:14,151.05140102 I have a lot of things to say about this. 120 00:08:15,451.05140102 --> 00:08:15,961.05140102 It's. 121 00:08:16,831.05140102 --> 00:08:20,551.05140102 It's hard to process a message like this. 122 00:08:21,151.05140102 --> 00:08:24,691.05140102 Because this woman, she even admitted it. 123 00:08:24,691.05140102 --> 00:08:27,31.05140102 Herself was not a close friend of my mom. 124 00:08:27,621.05140102 --> 00:08:30,111.05140102 I had a little background on, on this woman. 125 00:08:31,431.05140102 --> 00:08:35,931.05140102 Personally, I had really not had contact with her. 126 00:08:36,411.05140102 --> 00:08:38,691.05140102 By the way, these are all over Facebook messenger. 127 00:08:38,691.05140102 --> 00:08:39,141.05140102 So. 128 00:08:39,981.05140102 --> 00:08:40,821.05140102 Do without what you will. 129 00:08:40,821.05140102 --> 00:08:41,811.05140102 We were Facebook friends. 130 00:08:43,211.05140102 --> 00:08:45,551.05140102 Just to break this down a little bit. 131 00:08:47,231.05140102 --> 00:08:57,71.05140102 You know, it's tough for me because my, my first thought was where does she get off saying these things to me? I don't. 132 00:08:57,161.05140102 --> 00:08:59,141.05140102 I really did not know this woman. 133 00:08:59,141.05140102 --> 00:09:00,971.05140102 I do not know her well enough. 134 00:09:01,511.05140102 --> 00:09:02,381.05140102 At all. 135 00:09:03,11.05140102 --> 00:09:05,381.05140102 For her to make these comments or. 136 00:09:06,131.05140102 --> 00:09:07,571.05140102 For her too. 137 00:09:08,681.05140102 --> 00:09:10,571.05140102 Reach out and say things like this to me. 138 00:09:11,201.05140102 --> 00:09:13,451.05140102 But frankly, even if we do know somebody. 139 00:09:14,51.05140102 --> 00:09:17,321.05140102 Well enough, this approach and this delivery. 140 00:09:18,461.05140102 --> 00:09:22,151.05140102 Was frankly just so gross to me. 141 00:09:22,151.05140102 --> 00:09:24,281.05140102 I really don't have a better way of wording. 142 00:09:25,941.05140102 --> 00:09:28,461.05140102 Very out of line was my first thought. 143 00:09:29,451.05140102 --> 00:09:31,41.05140102 I was actually really shocked. 144 00:09:31,41.05140102 --> 00:09:36,231.05140102 I got these messages, my husband and I had just seen a movie, like in a movie theater, we had just come out. 145 00:09:36,231.05140102 --> 00:09:40,71.05140102 I turned my phone back on, uh, from like airplane mode or whatever. 146 00:09:40,101.05140102 --> 00:09:44,511.05140102 And I got these and I, it was so out of left field that. 147 00:09:44,691.05140102 --> 00:09:47,181.05140102 It caught me really by surprise. 148 00:09:48,331.05140102 --> 00:09:52,81.05140102 The first thing here that she's saying, you know, making grief into a business. 149 00:09:53,71.05140102 --> 00:09:53,851.05140102 Less than you guys. 150 00:09:53,881.05140102 --> 00:09:59,491.05140102 If you're here listening to this podcast or you see some of the things I post on social media. 151 00:10:00,421.05140102 --> 00:10:01,831.05140102 Yes, I. 152 00:10:03,211.05140102 --> 00:10:10,171.05140102 I guess in a way am trying to create something from this, because I feel as though it is my calling. 153 00:10:11,71.05140102 --> 00:10:14,461.05140102 I know that sounds funny, but I've said this before. 154 00:10:15,901.05140102 --> 00:10:18,721.05140102 I don't think I ever would have explored. 155 00:10:18,931.05140102 --> 00:10:24,571.05140102 The grief space, working in grief with fellow grievers, helping people. 156 00:10:25,261.05140102 --> 00:10:26,221.05140102 Just like you. 157 00:10:26,581.05140102 --> 00:10:28,471.05140102 Through life after loss. 158 00:10:28,591.05140102 --> 00:10:31,561.05140102 If I had not lost my parents, right. 159 00:10:31,591.05140102 --> 00:10:33,871.05140102 Most, most grief coaches, I would imagine. 160 00:10:34,381.05140102 --> 00:10:41,971.05140102 Don't do that because you really have to, to some degree, whatever our losses are, go through it, to understand it. 161 00:10:41,971.05140102 --> 00:10:43,681.05140102 And then to take it a step further. 162 00:10:44,341.05140102 --> 00:10:45,451.05140102 And to care. 163 00:10:45,991.05140102 --> 00:10:48,481.05140102 Enough to help people. 164 00:10:48,571.05140102 --> 00:10:51,811.05140102 Through it, you know? So. 165 00:10:52,801.05140102 --> 00:10:54,181.05140102 More than anything. 166 00:10:54,211.05140102 --> 00:10:59,251.05140102 It just made me really sad because I was like, man, you are just missing. 167 00:10:59,821.05140102 --> 00:11:00,781.05140102 The point. 168 00:11:01,561.05140102 --> 00:11:05,461.05140102 You think I'm capitalizing on my parents' deaths. 169 00:11:06,301.05140102 --> 00:11:11,521.05140102 Listen, if people feel that way, I guess I can't help that, but that is just so. 170 00:11:12,271.05140102 --> 00:11:13,351.05140102 Painful to me. 171 00:11:13,951.05140102 --> 00:11:17,101.05140102 Because that could not be further from the truth. 172 00:11:17,851.05140102 --> 00:11:23,671.05140102 It is because my parents died that I realized, Hey, I can help others. 173 00:11:24,61.05140102 --> 00:11:25,381.05140102 I want to help others. 174 00:11:25,381.05140102 --> 00:11:26,851.05140102 I feel called to help others. 175 00:11:27,481.05140102 --> 00:11:33,541.05140102 And it's just funny because she seems to think that I'm just like rolling in all this money over here from coach is not the case. 176 00:11:33,541.05140102 --> 00:11:33,961.05140102 You guys. 177 00:11:33,991.05140102 --> 00:11:34,321.05140102 Okay. 178 00:11:35,191.05140102 --> 00:11:37,651.05140102 In fact so much of what I do. 179 00:11:38,191.05140102 --> 00:11:39,331.05140102 Is out of love. 180 00:11:40,501.05140102 --> 00:11:43,441.05140102 Um, it's not, you know, it's not that big of a thing. 181 00:11:43,561.05140102 --> 00:11:44,131.05140102 Like. 182 00:11:44,911.05140102 --> 00:11:47,161.05140102 Listen, I'm trying to grow here. 183 00:11:47,161.05140102 --> 00:11:55,81.05140102 I would love for this to become something, everything that I'm doing, all facets of losses become gains, but. 184 00:11:57,61.05140102 --> 00:11:57,601.05140102 Yeah. 185 00:11:58,51.05140102 --> 00:12:02,821.05140102 I'm um, Not trying to capitalize on anything here. 186 00:12:03,271.05140102 --> 00:12:03,781.05140102 For the record. 187 00:12:04,351.05140102 --> 00:12:04,771.05140102 And I would. 188 00:12:05,641.05140102 --> 00:12:11,221.05140102 Definitely venture to say that most, if not all grief coaches aren't either, because let me tell you something. 189 00:12:11,221.05140102 --> 00:12:11,731.05140102 It is. 190 00:12:12,871.05140102 --> 00:12:14,611.05140102 Really heavy. 191 00:12:15,661.05140102 --> 00:12:16,531.05140102 And it is. 192 00:12:17,101.05140102 --> 00:12:19,921.05140102 It's a lot to sit with people in their grief. 193 00:12:20,851.05140102 --> 00:12:24,1.05140102 And to show up and be that person for someone. 194 00:12:25,621.05140102 --> 00:12:26,971.05140102 I am proud to do that. 195 00:12:27,391.05140102 --> 00:12:29,731.05140102 I am honored to do that. 196 00:12:31,351.05140102 --> 00:12:36,91.05140102 So again, that just makes it even sadder that someone is questioning that. 197 00:12:36,601.05140102 --> 00:12:39,781.05140102 Or, or the why behind it? Of what I'm doing. 198 00:12:39,811.05140102 --> 00:12:40,81.05140102 So. 199 00:12:42,1.05140102 --> 00:12:47,671.05140102 Yeah, there's that? Oh, also mentioning that, you know, going on the internet to get some kind of degree, doesn't make it for me. 200 00:12:48,421.05140102 --> 00:12:48,781.05140102 Okay. 201 00:12:49,261.05140102 --> 00:12:49,771.05140102 That's fine. 202 00:12:50,491.05140102 --> 00:12:53,251.05140102 Like, listen, I am not a therapist. 203 00:12:53,251.05140102 --> 00:12:56,671.05140102 If anybody here knows me at all, no, I am not a therapist. 204 00:12:56,671.05140102 --> 00:12:57,901.05140102 I have not been to school. 205 00:12:58,441.05140102 --> 00:12:59,581.05140102 To be a counselor. 206 00:13:00,91.05140102 --> 00:13:02,221.05140102 Or therapist, trust me, I've thought about it. 207 00:13:02,431.05140102 --> 00:13:16,921.05140102 I am still thinking about it, but I've also never claimed that, you know, but I did go through education and courses and many things to become a grief coach and a transformational life coach. 208 00:13:16,951.05140102 --> 00:13:19,651.05140102 I am certified in those things and. 209 00:13:20,471.05140102 --> 00:13:21,851.05140102 She, she doesn't have to like it. 210 00:13:21,851.05140102 --> 00:13:22,901.05140102 She doesn't have to believe me. 211 00:13:23,291.05140102 --> 00:13:43,871.05140102 But, um, I did those things to further educate myself because you know, life of hard knocks will certainly teach you some things, but in order for me to help other people cope and through their grief, I want to always be as well-informed and well-educated as I can possibly be. 212 00:13:43,871.05140102 --> 00:13:44,291.05140102 So. 213 00:13:44,681.05140102 --> 00:13:46,331.05140102 The certifications come in handy with that. 214 00:13:46,361.05140102 --> 00:13:46,631.05140102 Right. 215 00:13:47,151.05140102 --> 00:13:52,611.05140102 So, and by the way, I'm not gonna dissect every aspect of this message. 216 00:13:52,641.05140102 --> 00:13:54,291.05140102 This episode is not about. 217 00:13:54,591.05140102 --> 00:14:14,601.05140102 Me and this specific message, but I just found these particular messages so interesting because there were so many things that were said that were perfect examples of insensitive comments that we might get on a one-off basis, but they all just happened to be thrown at me. 218 00:14:15,171.05140102 --> 00:14:15,951.05140102 Very quickly. 219 00:14:16,221.05140102 --> 00:14:16,791.05140102 So. 220 00:14:17,331.05140102 --> 00:14:19,191.05140102 Couple more quick points here. 221 00:14:19,461.05140102 --> 00:14:20,631.05140102 I mean, number one. 222 00:14:21,381.05140102 --> 00:14:30,351.05140102 Mentioning that she might delete me because I bring up so much sadness, number one, and I hope everyone is aware of this with anything that I post or. 223 00:14:30,981.05140102 --> 00:14:38,181.05140102 On this podcast here, if anything that we ever talk about is bringing up something negative for you. 224 00:14:38,391.05140102 --> 00:14:42,261.05140102 And I mean, in a way that is truly hurtful, like you are not ready to hear it yet. 225 00:14:42,651.05140102 --> 00:14:45,231.05140102 Please like you can unfollow me. 226 00:14:45,231.05140102 --> 00:14:46,71.05140102 You can delete me. 227 00:14:46,71.05140102 --> 00:14:48,441.05140102 You can block me and come back. 228 00:14:48,441.05140102 --> 00:14:51,171.05140102 Or if you're listening to an episode, we can. 229 00:14:51,621.05140102 --> 00:14:52,791.05140102 Pause and come back to it. 230 00:14:52,791.05140102 --> 00:14:54,171.05140102 When we, when we are ready. 231 00:14:54,681.05140102 --> 00:14:56,61.05140102 That is the nature of grief. 232 00:14:56,481.05140102 --> 00:14:57,321.05140102 It is sad. 233 00:14:58,41.05140102 --> 00:15:00,171.05140102 Loss is sad. 234 00:15:00,531.05140102 --> 00:15:09,201.05140102 And I, you know, whatever it was that she was responding to, I actually still have no idea what it was that she is responding to here. 235 00:15:09,201.05140102 --> 00:15:12,411.05140102 I don't know if it was a specific post or it was multiple or whatever. 236 00:15:12,951.05140102 --> 00:15:16,431.05140102 But yeah, like, go ahead and delete me. 237 00:15:16,461.05140102 --> 00:15:17,91.05140102 That's okay. 238 00:15:17,631.05140102 --> 00:15:18,801.05140102 I'm not everyone's cup of tea. 239 00:15:19,71.05140102 --> 00:15:20,61.05140102 I'm not trying to be. 240 00:15:20,841.05140102 --> 00:15:28,641.05140102 But really more so than that was the next comment of saying, let it go for heaven sakes. 241 00:15:28,671.05140102 --> 00:15:33,891.05140102 And you know, saying that to me basically a couple of times, I mean. 242 00:15:34,341.05140102 --> 00:15:40,221.05140102 That is the premise of this podcast and losses become gains in everything that I do. 243 00:15:40,821.05140102 --> 00:15:43,41.05140102 There is no letting it go. 244 00:15:43,41.05140102 --> 00:15:45,891.05140102 And in fact, in, you know, one of the other messages. 245 00:15:46,221.05140102 --> 00:15:49,311.05140102 She mentioned, you know, it's time to move on. 246 00:15:50,511.05140102 --> 00:15:59,121.05140102 What, what is moving on really? Please don't ever tell me to move on and I will never tell you to move on. 247 00:15:59,931.05140102 --> 00:16:03,591.05140102 This idea of telling someone to move on. 248 00:16:04,41.05140102 --> 00:16:09,681.05140102 When they have lost something or someone so great and so important to them. 249 00:16:10,221.05140102 --> 00:16:17,841.05140102 Is probably one of the just saddest and honestly, most insulting things that we could be told. 250 00:16:18,231.05140102 --> 00:16:20,301.05140102 As someone who is grieving. 251 00:16:20,631.05140102 --> 00:16:27,921.05140102 And I've talked about this a little bit before, but you know, there is a subtle difference between this idea of moving on and moving forward. 252 00:16:27,921.05140102 --> 00:16:30,741.05140102 And I think moving forward is just a. 253 00:16:31,41.05140102 --> 00:16:33,771.05140102 A more gentle, realistic. 254 00:16:34,191.05140102 --> 00:16:38,241.05140102 Way in which we can live our life. 255 00:16:38,601.05140102 --> 00:16:40,11.051401 With our loss. 256 00:16:40,11.051401 --> 00:16:43,401.051401 And have that be a part of our story. 257 00:16:43,851.051401 --> 00:16:45,921.051401 Not something that defines us. 258 00:16:46,191.051401 --> 00:16:48,681.051401 And certainly not something that we forget. 259 00:16:49,431.051401 --> 00:16:57,591.051401 But it just becomes a part of who we are as we continue to grow and evolve and transform. 260 00:16:58,11.051401 --> 00:17:02,541.051401 Within our life after we have been through something devastating, right. 261 00:17:02,571.051401 --> 00:17:04,191.051401 Something potentially traumatic. 262 00:17:04,221.051401 --> 00:17:04,791.051401 So. 263 00:17:05,991.051401 --> 00:17:08,871.051401 You know, that really bummed me out. 264 00:17:10,101.051401 --> 00:17:11,871.051401 Her, her saying that and. 265 00:17:12,711.051401 --> 00:17:13,851.051401 The other thing. 266 00:17:14,151.051401 --> 00:17:15,21.051401 Two. 267 00:17:15,531.051401 --> 00:17:16,701.051401 That I want to address it. 268 00:17:16,731.051401 --> 00:17:29,421.051401 This is what she said to me specifically, but I have heard this in many cases, um, with some other grievers I've spoken to here, she tells me to live for your newborn and your husband and mind you, my daughter wasn't born yet. 269 00:17:29,721.051401 --> 00:17:34,701.051401 It's just interesting because this is such a perfect example of how. 270 00:17:35,811.051401 --> 00:17:37,851.051401 Little, this woman actually knows me. 271 00:17:38,661.051401 --> 00:17:39,471.051401 Because. 272 00:17:40,491.051401 --> 00:17:49,191.051401 I have learned to live for myself, certainly, which we all do when we are going through grief. 273 00:17:49,221.051401 --> 00:17:49,641.051401 We. 274 00:17:50,211.051401 --> 00:17:52,581.051401 Do have to come back to our why. 275 00:17:53,61.051401 --> 00:17:54,201.051401 And who we are. 276 00:17:54,531.051401 --> 00:17:55,611.051401 As a soul. 277 00:17:56,271.051401 --> 00:17:58,971.051401 Here on this planet, just trying to figure it all out. 278 00:17:59,301.051401 --> 00:18:00,231.051401 But absolutely. 279 00:18:00,231.051401 --> 00:18:07,671.051401 We have people, family, friends, colleagues, whoever that we, we might live forward to. 280 00:18:07,761.051401 --> 00:18:11,331.051401 And I do live for my husband and my daughter. 281 00:18:11,331.051401 --> 00:18:13,251.051401 They, they are my family. 282 00:18:13,251.051401 --> 00:18:16,701.051401 I mean, I have extended family of course, but like they're my little family unit now. 283 00:18:18,231.051401 --> 00:18:19,641.051401 They're all I have. 284 00:18:19,821.051401 --> 00:18:20,571.051401 So. 285 00:18:22,331.051401 --> 00:18:27,281.051401 I'm just sending so much love to anyone here, listening, who has had something like this. 286 00:18:27,311.051401 --> 00:18:29,291.051401 I said to them because. 287 00:18:30,701.051401 --> 00:18:38,321.051401 You know, to have someone tell you to let it go, let whoever it was that we've lost. 288 00:18:38,411.051401 --> 00:18:39,101.051401 Go. 289 00:18:40,541.051401 --> 00:18:44,711.051401 Really just as such a disservice to their life. 290 00:18:45,311.051401 --> 00:18:50,651.051401 And to their memory and how we want to carry them with us still. 291 00:18:51,251.051401 --> 00:18:52,571.051401 Even though they're gone. 292 00:18:52,961.051401 --> 00:18:56,201.051401 And that's exactly what I personally, at least I'm trying to do. 293 00:18:56,201.051401 --> 00:18:58,121.051401 And I have no doubt everyone here listening. 294 00:18:58,481.051401 --> 00:19:01,1.051401 You were probably trying to do that in the exact same way. 295 00:19:01,31.051401 --> 00:19:08,141.051401 And maybe it's a little confusing and you don't know how to figure that out right now, but guess what? That's what we're doing here together. 296 00:19:08,171.051401 --> 00:19:10,451.051401 Right? It's all just moment by moment. 297 00:19:10,961.051401 --> 00:19:11,681.051401 Day by day. 298 00:19:12,131.051401 --> 00:19:12,581.051401 So. 299 00:19:14,351.051401 --> 00:19:18,851.051401 Yeah, there's a lot about this that I could unpack. 300 00:19:19,61.051401 --> 00:19:22,961.051401 I think just the last thing I was going to say here. 301 00:19:23,501.051401 --> 00:19:29,291.051401 Uh, it was from her, her last message when she said, you know, don't tell me what pain is about. 302 00:19:29,771.051401 --> 00:19:33,121.051401 I really know what it is, time to let it go. 303 00:19:33,871.051401 --> 00:19:35,911.051401 You have to do the same thing. 304 00:19:35,911.051401 --> 00:19:38,71.051401 You're not the only one to lose someone. 305 00:19:40,171.051401 --> 00:19:41,521.051401 I mean, listen. 306 00:19:42,1.051401 --> 00:19:42,781.051401 We all. 307 00:19:43,501.051401 --> 00:19:47,221.051401 We'll decide when we will or will not let something go. 308 00:19:47,971.051401 --> 00:19:51,511.051401 This is not something we can impose on anyone. 309 00:19:52,501.051401 --> 00:19:53,71.051401 Anyone. 310 00:19:53,641.051401 --> 00:19:56,971.051401 And this was the part of her messages that I just felt that. 311 00:19:57,601.051401 --> 00:20:00,151.051401 Frankly disrespected by because. 312 00:20:01,21.051401 --> 00:20:05,461.051401 You know, she implied that I don't know what pain is about. 313 00:20:05,461.051401 --> 00:20:07,51.051401 That's, that's how I interpreted it. 314 00:20:07,51.051401 --> 00:20:13,261.051401 At least, you know, almost because she lost a mother, father and a brother and you know, or possibly so many more people than I did. 315 00:20:13,681.051401 --> 00:20:20,311.051401 Which by the way again, without giving away too much about who exactly this is, all I'm going to say is she's from an older generation. 316 00:20:20,911.051401 --> 00:20:22,891.051401 And I will also mention she is. 317 00:20:23,221.051401 --> 00:20:24,691.051401 Was born into a different country. 318 00:20:24,691.051401 --> 00:20:28,321.051401 She is of a different culture than here in America. 319 00:20:28,351.051401 --> 00:20:28,741.051401 And. 320 00:20:29,761.051401 --> 00:20:35,971.051401 You know, who knows that could have something to do with this as well? Um, not that. 321 00:20:36,481.051401 --> 00:20:39,931.051401 She's in the wrong or whatever country she's from. 322 00:20:40,921.051401 --> 00:20:42,421.051401 Is incorrect. 323 00:20:42,781.051401 --> 00:20:44,41.051401 It's just different. 324 00:20:45,181.051401 --> 00:20:49,441.051401 In terms of how grief is recognized and coped with. 325 00:20:49,471.051401 --> 00:20:52,291.051401 I think those cultural differences are very, very important. 326 00:20:52,741.051401 --> 00:20:53,671.051401 To mention. 327 00:20:53,731.051401 --> 00:21:05,491.051401 And again, it's tricky in this episode because I don't want to give too much away about the identity of this individual, but, um, You know, I just think that's important to mention as well. 328 00:21:05,491.051401 --> 00:21:08,71.051401 I've definitely talked about that on the podcast here before. 329 00:21:08,581.051401 --> 00:21:10,771.051401 Especially in terms of unmet expectation. 330 00:21:10,801.051401 --> 00:21:11,251.051401 So. 331 00:21:11,821.051401 --> 00:21:22,501.051401 For example, we might expect someone to say or not to say something based on how we've been raised or how we have been conditioned to. 332 00:21:22,891.051401 --> 00:21:27,211.051401 Recognize ending knowledge and cope with grief versus not. 333 00:21:27,241.051401 --> 00:21:31,111.051401 So, you know, her and I were just on very, very different wavelengths. 334 00:21:31,981.051401 --> 00:21:35,71.051401 Um, But, you know what. 335 00:21:35,461.051401 --> 00:21:37,651.051401 Uh, yeah, I, I don't, I don't have to let it go. 336 00:21:37,681.051401 --> 00:21:38,941.051401 Thank you very much, but I don't. 337 00:21:40,21.051401 --> 00:21:45,271.051401 That's, this is just a perfect example of, we cannot tell anyone else how to grieve. 338 00:21:45,841.051401 --> 00:21:51,421.051401 And, you know, At the very last thing she said, you're not the only one to lose someone. 339 00:21:51,721.051401 --> 00:21:52,531.051401 She's absolutely right. 340 00:21:52,561.051401 --> 00:21:54,241.051401 I'm not sadly. 341 00:21:54,541.051401 --> 00:21:55,51.051401 I'm not. 342 00:21:55,771.051401 --> 00:21:58,81.051401 And that my friends is. 343 00:21:58,801.051401 --> 00:22:02,371.051401 The perfect point to all of this, and this is exactly why. 344 00:22:02,821.051401 --> 00:22:07,141.051401 I am doing what I'm doing because there are so many people out here. 345 00:22:07,561.051401 --> 00:22:15,691.051401 Who have lost people and they do not have the right support or they have people just like this, telling them to move on, to get over it. 346 00:22:15,841.051401 --> 00:22:19,21.051401 That it's been long enough that what you're doing is toxic. 347 00:22:19,591.051401 --> 00:22:20,581.051401 Whatever. 348 00:22:20,971.051401 --> 00:22:22,501.051401 The sentiment is. 349 00:22:23,551.051401 --> 00:22:25,51.051401 Messages like this. 350 00:22:25,441.051401 --> 00:22:27,571.051401 Are the reason that I do what I do. 351 00:22:28,921.051401 --> 00:22:31,441.051401 So I just wanted to share that. 352 00:22:31,471.051401 --> 00:22:32,341.051401 I'll be very honest. 353 00:22:32,341.051401 --> 00:22:33,601.051401 I have more thoughts and feelings. 354 00:22:34,231.051401 --> 00:22:35,71.051401 About all of that. 355 00:22:35,371.051401 --> 00:22:43,651.051401 There's more about that, that I could dissect, especially as a coach, especially as sort of a, I never want to call myself a grief expert, I guess they'll just say as a. 356 00:22:44,221.051401 --> 00:22:49,741.051401 Grief educator as a grief guide, as someone who, who helps people through this. 357 00:22:49,741.051401 --> 00:22:50,131.051401 But. 358 00:22:50,651.051401 --> 00:22:53,831.051401 Let's break down some of the types of insensitive comments. 359 00:22:53,831.051401 --> 00:22:56,411.051401 So we're moving away from these messages now. 360 00:22:57,11.051401 --> 00:23:01,211.051401 But of course, some of these that I'm about to list were, were mentioned in here. 361 00:23:01,211.051401 --> 00:23:07,181.051401 So for example, you should be doing X, Y, Z should be letting it go. 362 00:23:07,181.051401 --> 00:23:13,691.051401 You should be better by now, right? Whatever it is under the sun that people say that we should or shouldn't be doing. 363 00:23:14,501.051401 --> 00:23:15,491.051401 You need to let it go. 364 00:23:16,331.051401 --> 00:23:24,551.051401 So, and so would be disappointed in you basically speaking on behalf of a person who has died. 365 00:23:26,231.051401 --> 00:23:27,701.051401 I actually forgot to mention this. 366 00:23:27,801.051401 --> 00:23:30,981.051401 This woman has messaged me before. 367 00:23:30,981.051401 --> 00:23:33,351.051401 This was actually not the first message I got from her. 368 00:23:34,311.051401 --> 00:23:40,701.051401 Saying something to this effect, but her previous messages, months prior were more tame. 369 00:23:40,941.051401 --> 00:23:41,601.051401 I'll put it that way. 370 00:23:42,621.051401 --> 00:23:53,371.051401 Uh, but as you heard in this message, and as she said more clearly in her previous messages, to me, you know, your mom and dad would be disappointed in you. 371 00:23:54,31.051401 --> 00:23:56,821.051401 Your mom would be disappointed in what you're doing right now. 372 00:23:58,651.051401 --> 00:23:59,611.051401 I, and I. 373 00:24:00,91.051401 --> 00:24:03,631.051401 I was like, I cannot believe you have the nerve to say that to me. 374 00:24:04,291.051401 --> 00:24:07,471.051401 As someone who really was not that close with my mom. 375 00:24:08,281.051401 --> 00:24:20,191.051401 Who, who didn't know my mom well enough to be able to say that, how do you know, how do you know that my mom would be sad and disappointed about what I'm doing? Who knows she could be. 376 00:24:20,551.051401 --> 00:24:24,151.051401 Beaming the proudest she has ever been. 377 00:24:24,481.051401 --> 00:24:27,421.051401 In me because I'm doing what I'm doing now. 378 00:24:28,771.051401 --> 00:24:31,141.051401 Trying to, to make something and do something. 379 00:24:31,741.051401 --> 00:24:35,161.051401 With what I have been through and with their legacy and all the things. 380 00:24:35,161.051401 --> 00:24:35,701.051401 And so. 381 00:24:36,961.051401 --> 00:24:37,351.051401 Yeah. 382 00:24:37,411.051401 --> 00:24:39,181.051401 Speaking on behalf of a dead person. 383 00:24:39,991.051401 --> 00:24:40,381.051401 Huge. 384 00:24:40,411.051401 --> 00:24:41,761.051401 No-no not about that. 385 00:24:43,651.051401 --> 00:24:51,151.051401 Another question or thing we might have said to us, you know, why are you dueling on it? Or accusing us of dwelling on it for longer than we should. 386 00:24:52,231.051401 --> 00:24:54,121.051401 Someone saying, get over it by now. 387 00:24:55,261.051401 --> 00:24:56,791.051401 You should be moved on. 388 00:24:56,971.051401 --> 00:25:07,111.051401 Why aren't you moved on? Do you think this is really healthy to talk about this much? Which, by the way I say, uh, yeah, it is. 389 00:25:08,41.051401 --> 00:25:17,161.051401 Can we normalize grief, please? Can we talk about grief more? It is something that we all will go through. 390 00:25:19,21.051401 --> 00:25:23,911.051401 And it is so sad that it is actually not talked about more. 391 00:25:25,711.051401 --> 00:25:32,611.051401 And so, you know, those are just a handful of the kinds of insensitive comments that we might see. 392 00:25:33,271.051401 --> 00:25:39,391.051401 Or here, you know, fill in the blank, whatever you have dealt with or whatever you will deal with. 393 00:25:40,201.051401 --> 00:25:42,91.051401 Really what I want to come back. 394 00:25:42,511.051401 --> 00:25:49,631.051401 And do hear a little bit and hone in on is, why this can hurt and why it's detrimental to our healing journey. 395 00:25:50,201.051401 --> 00:25:54,551.051401 And finally to close out this episode, what we can do about it, how we can cope. 396 00:25:54,641.051401 --> 00:25:54,971.051401 Right. 397 00:25:55,271.051401 --> 00:25:55,751.051401 So. 398 00:25:57,51.051401 --> 00:25:58,611.051401 There are a few reasons here. 399 00:25:59,391.051401 --> 00:26:02,661.051401 Number one, it can come from strangers for sure. 400 00:26:02,661.051401 --> 00:26:07,581.051401 And that can feel really out of left field, sort of like how I felt with this woman, even though I kind of knew her. 401 00:26:08,61.051401 --> 00:26:10,611.051401 She ultimately to me is sort of a stranger. 402 00:26:10,611.051401 --> 00:26:12,51.051401 So that was very strange. 403 00:26:13,11.051401 --> 00:26:16,671.051401 But I will also say a surprising amount of the time. 404 00:26:17,31.051401 --> 00:26:26,181.051401 Comments like this will come from people that we actually know, or that we are at least acquaintances with because somehow they feel that they. 405 00:26:26,901.051401 --> 00:26:30,951.051401 Have the right to impose these thoughts and opinions and things on us. 406 00:26:32,91.051401 --> 00:26:33,501.051401 When that is just simply not the case. 407 00:26:34,491.051401 --> 00:26:36,591.051401 Grief is very individual. 408 00:26:36,651.051401 --> 00:26:37,761.051401 It is very unique. 409 00:26:37,791.051401 --> 00:26:40,821.051401 It is very sacred to each and every one of us. 410 00:26:40,881.051401 --> 00:26:46,11.051401 And really all I can say about that is that that needs to be respected. 411 00:26:46,641.051401 --> 00:26:47,121.051401 So. 412 00:26:48,321.051401 --> 00:26:55,41.051401 Another reason this can be really hurtful and very detrimental to us is there might be some imposing views that don't align with ours. 413 00:26:55,131.051401 --> 00:26:55,761.051401 I E. 414 00:26:56,241.051401 --> 00:26:56,601.051401 Everything. 415 00:26:56,601.051401 --> 00:26:57,381.051401 I just went through. 416 00:26:57,981.051401 --> 00:27:01,911.051401 Which can be frustrating, but it can also make us second guess ourselves. 417 00:27:02,811.051401 --> 00:27:05,241.051401 No, I will just speak on behalf of myself for a moment. 418 00:27:05,301.051401 --> 00:27:07,941.051401 I am in a place in my life and within my grief. 419 00:27:07,971.051401 --> 00:27:09,891.051401 And certainly within the grief work that I do. 420 00:27:10,491.051401 --> 00:27:13,41.051401 That while that certainly got to me. 421 00:27:13,341.051401 --> 00:27:14,691.051401 For a hot minute. 422 00:27:15,261.051401 --> 00:27:17,571.051401 It did not sort of set me back. 423 00:27:17,601.051401 --> 00:27:18,621.051401 It did not at all. 424 00:27:18,621.051401 --> 00:27:20,1.051401 Make me second guess. 425 00:27:20,991.051401 --> 00:27:21,771.051401 My life. 426 00:27:22,191.051401 --> 00:27:25,461.051401 What I'm doing, how I'm handling things, how I'm navigating it. 427 00:27:26,1.051401 --> 00:27:28,131.051401 I was like, See ya. 428 00:27:28,381.051401 --> 00:27:30,571.051401 And by the way, just sort of a sidebar. 429 00:27:30,631.051401 --> 00:27:35,941.051401 If anyone's wondering what came of this conversation, I probably should have wrapped that up in case anybody was curious. 430 00:27:37,91.051401 --> 00:27:39,821.051401 I essentially just responded back. 431 00:27:40,451.051401 --> 00:27:45,101.051401 And said, you know, it, it makes me very sad. 432 00:27:45,671.051401 --> 00:27:52,421.051401 That you do not see the value in what I am trying to bring people and. 433 00:27:53,381.051401 --> 00:27:55,991.051401 I feel frankly, that you have missed the point. 434 00:27:56,441.051401 --> 00:27:57,911.051401 Of everything that I do. 435 00:27:58,751.051401 --> 00:28:05,111.051401 I feel you've really come at me at a very accusatory and judgemental way. 436 00:28:06,581.051401 --> 00:28:07,901.051401 I have to be honest. 437 00:28:07,901.051401 --> 00:28:09,551.051401 I really don't appreciate that. 438 00:28:09,581.051401 --> 00:28:12,71.051401 I don't feel you know me well enough. 439 00:28:13,361.051401 --> 00:28:16,481.051401 To have that be warranted. 440 00:28:17,441.051401 --> 00:28:19,121.051401 And finally. 441 00:28:20,231.051401 --> 00:28:23,741.051401 I would've loved if you would have approached me. 442 00:28:24,581.051401 --> 00:28:27,101.051401 From a place of curiosity and love. 443 00:28:27,701.051401 --> 00:28:29,861.051401 Versus accusations. 444 00:28:30,461.051401 --> 00:28:31,241.051401 And judgment. 445 00:28:32,921.051401 --> 00:28:34,871.051401 And that is really all we can do. 446 00:28:35,291.051401 --> 00:28:35,801.051401 Right. 447 00:28:36,41.051401 --> 00:28:40,841.051401 Like all we can do in life, really in any situation, grief or not. 448 00:28:41,201.051401 --> 00:28:41,921.051401 Is com. 449 00:28:42,341.051401 --> 00:28:45,461.051401 At people and at things from a place. 450 00:28:46,211.051401 --> 00:28:49,811.051401 Of love and curiosity and understanding. 451 00:28:50,351.051401 --> 00:28:53,261.051401 If she had approached that. 452 00:28:53,861.051401 --> 00:28:55,241.051401 So much differently. 453 00:28:56,171.051401 --> 00:28:57,941.051401 And actually asked me. 454 00:28:59,21.051401 --> 00:29:01,181.051401 Hey, I'm really curious about what you do. 455 00:29:01,181.051401 --> 00:29:03,401.051401 Can you elaborate on that? I'm a little confused. 456 00:29:03,401.051401 --> 00:29:08,141.051401 What is a grief coach? Why were you cold to do. 457 00:29:08,681.051401 --> 00:29:13,391.051401 This work specifically, and just maybe ask me some questions. 458 00:29:13,601.051401 --> 00:29:15,191.051401 Maybe got to know me a little bit. 459 00:29:16,31.051401 --> 00:29:23,471.051401 Before jumping down my throat like that, that could have been a very different conversation and a much more beautiful and productive one. 460 00:29:24,101.051401 --> 00:29:27,161.051401 Unfortunately, that was just not where that was going. 461 00:29:27,161.051401 --> 00:29:28,961.051401 It was not going to go in that direction. 462 00:29:29,861.051401 --> 00:29:32,441.051401 Ultimately, I just said, please don't ever contact me. 463 00:29:33,371.051401 --> 00:29:34,571.051401 I'll be really honest with you guys. 464 00:29:35,81.051401 --> 00:29:36,341.051401 I shut that down. 465 00:29:36,371.051401 --> 00:29:40,661.051401 I was like, Nope, do not need this negativity in my life. 466 00:29:40,721.051401 --> 00:29:43,991.051401 I will not have people like this. 467 00:29:43,991.051401 --> 00:29:45,821.051401 Who frankly, like I said, don't know me. 468 00:29:45,821.051401 --> 00:29:49,841.051401 Well, And also feel that they can speak to me in this way. 469 00:29:50,251.051401 --> 00:29:50,891.051401 in my life. 470 00:29:51,371.051401 --> 00:29:52,541.051401 It is the last thing I need. 471 00:29:52,571.051401 --> 00:29:53,771.051401 And I'll be honest with you. 472 00:29:54,41.051401 --> 00:29:55,541.051401 Prior to my parents' deaths. 473 00:29:55,571.051401 --> 00:29:58,871.051401 I don't know that I would've stood up to someone in that way. 474 00:29:59,471.051401 --> 00:30:04,151.051401 And we're going to talk about boundaries here in a little bit, but that was a very hard and fast boundary. 475 00:30:04,871.051401 --> 00:30:06,881.051401 That I set real quick. 476 00:30:07,241.051401 --> 00:30:14,681.051401 So, yeah, I shut that down and it's funny too, because how she was mentioning, you know, I might delete you. 477 00:30:15,701.051401 --> 00:30:17,651.051401 Um, I'm going to go ahead and take care of that. 478 00:30:17,711.051401 --> 00:30:18,71.051401 And. 479 00:30:19,61.051401 --> 00:30:20,141.051401 And I, I blocked her. 480 00:30:21,371.051401 --> 00:30:22,121.051401 I'll be very honest. 481 00:30:22,361.051401 --> 00:30:23,51.051401 I just blocked her. 482 00:30:23,51.051401 --> 00:30:28,931.051401 I said my fees and I was like, I literally said, I wish you well, because listen, I'm not going to stoop to her level. 483 00:30:28,931.051401 --> 00:30:31,631.051401 I was like, I want to be the bigger person here. 484 00:30:31,661.051401 --> 00:30:32,471.051401 I really do. 485 00:30:32,621.051401 --> 00:30:33,41.051401 But. 486 00:30:34,721.051401 --> 00:30:38,261.051401 I'm just going to, I'm just going to call it what it is like you, she royally pissed me off. 487 00:30:38,261.051401 --> 00:30:42,341.051401 So I was like, Nope, I'm going to go ahead and just like, say my piece. 488 00:30:42,731.051401 --> 00:30:44,951.051401 Say it as nicely as I can. 489 00:30:45,581.051401 --> 00:30:48,581.051401 And I'm going to shut this down and, and that's what I did. 490 00:30:48,731.051401 --> 00:30:52,451.051401 And, and I've never heard from her again, nor does she really have a way to contact me, but. 491 00:30:53,561.051401 --> 00:30:54,731.051401 Five to my hands of that. 492 00:30:54,761.051401 --> 00:30:55,421.051401 And I am. 493 00:30:56,471.051401 --> 00:30:57,191.051401 Happier for it. 494 00:30:57,221.051401 --> 00:30:57,461.051401 So. 495 00:30:58,211.051401 --> 00:30:58,601.051401 Anyway. 496 00:30:59,141.051401 --> 00:31:00,971.051401 In case anyone was wondering, that's what happened there. 497 00:31:01,731.051401 --> 00:31:02,121.051401 Okay. 498 00:31:02,151.051401 --> 00:31:09,201.051401 So another reason that insensitive comments can really be detrimental to our healing process is because. 499 00:31:09,651.051401 --> 00:31:29,151.051401 It can make us feel like we're wrong or that we're grieving war wrong, or that we're a little crazy in all of this, right? Like, like I said, if I was not in such a place in my life and in my grief where I am very sure of what it is and what it is not, and all of that, and guys, I know that is a process. 500 00:31:29,481.051401 --> 00:31:31,131.051401 This is literally why I'm a grief coach. 501 00:31:31,161.051401 --> 00:31:32,661.051401 This is why I have my membership. 502 00:31:32,691.051401 --> 00:31:33,921.051401 If you are not there. 503 00:31:34,311.051401 --> 00:31:37,941.051401 But you want help getting there, like, please reach out to me because. 504 00:31:38,871.051401 --> 00:31:40,191.051401 It is a process. 505 00:31:40,431.051401 --> 00:31:42,231.051401 It is a hard one to get to. 506 00:31:43,341.051401 --> 00:31:45,291.051401 There's a, there's a lot involved. 507 00:31:45,951.051401 --> 00:31:51,291.051401 And we can really second guess ourselves and how we're coping. 508 00:31:52,811.051401 --> 00:31:53,381.051401 A lot. 509 00:31:54,431.051401 --> 00:31:55,241.051401 So. 510 00:31:56,21.051401 --> 00:31:58,871.051401 That's the unfortunate part about comments like this too. 511 00:31:59,501.051401 --> 00:32:05,321.051401 Is, it can really make us feel like, like, oh man, maybe I really am doing this wrong. 512 00:32:05,321.051401 --> 00:32:09,71.051401 Maybe I am hung up on this still. 513 00:32:09,611.051401 --> 00:32:12,791.051401 Too long after my loss. 514 00:32:12,791.051401 --> 00:32:18,951.051401 And like, am I, oh, am I, am I stuck? Am I doing things? Listen there. 515 00:32:19,341.051401 --> 00:32:22,641.051401 Our positive, effective ways to cope. 516 00:32:23,301.051401 --> 00:32:25,131.051401 And there are some not so positive. 517 00:32:25,551.051401 --> 00:32:26,811.051401 Ways to cope. 518 00:32:26,871.051401 --> 00:32:30,81.051401 And that is ultimately the goal of this podcast. 519 00:32:30,81.051401 --> 00:32:33,921.051401 It's to help you understand that and to navigate that. 520 00:32:34,521.051401 --> 00:32:38,331.051401 But that is the really unfortunate part about comments like this. 521 00:32:38,331.051401 --> 00:32:42,921.051401 And I have seen this in fellow grievers where they have really taken something. 522 00:32:43,161.051401 --> 00:32:47,271.051401 Someone has said to them to heart and it's really affected them. 523 00:32:47,301.051401 --> 00:32:51,381.051401 So cautionary tale, please just remember. 524 00:32:51,861.051401 --> 00:32:54,591.051401 Everyone has to stay in their own lane, including you. 525 00:32:54,801.051401 --> 00:32:57,891.051401 We can't always stop these comments from coming, obviously. 526 00:32:57,891.051401 --> 00:32:58,371.051401 Right. 527 00:32:58,971.051401 --> 00:32:59,601.051401 But. 528 00:33:00,411.051401 --> 00:33:01,551.051401 We can choose. 529 00:33:02,31.051401 --> 00:33:02,931.051401 How we handle them. 530 00:33:04,71.051401 --> 00:33:14,421.051401 So couple more reasons here, you know, if it doesn't make us feel wrong in some capacity, It simply doesn't sit well and it can be really frustrating. 531 00:33:14,601.051401 --> 00:33:17,361.051401 I mean, what I shared perfect example, right. 532 00:33:18,111.051401 --> 00:33:26,91.051401 And when we are already maybe feeling anxious and frustrated and stressed out and all of these things that can come with grief. 533 00:33:26,601.051401 --> 00:33:30,831.051401 It's the last thing that we need to be piled on, on top of it all. 534 00:33:31,681.051401 --> 00:33:35,911.051401 And before we get into, you know, kind of what we can do about it, how we can cope. 535 00:33:36,271.051401 --> 00:33:37,531.051401 I just want to say something here. 536 00:33:38,731.051401 --> 00:33:40,891.051401 Something, we need to remember. 537 00:33:41,611.051401 --> 00:33:52,531.051401 Is that so often when someone says something that comes off as very insensitive, It is likely more about them. 538 00:33:53,251.051401 --> 00:33:54,931.051401 Then it is about us. 539 00:33:56,41.051401 --> 00:33:59,461.051401 It is more likely something about them. 540 00:34:00,451.051401 --> 00:34:08,611.051401 Perhaps something they have not worked through, perhaps it is a reflection on their life and their experiences than it is about you. 541 00:34:09,601.051401 --> 00:34:11,101.051401 So please always remember that. 542 00:34:11,151.051401 --> 00:34:16,851.051401 When they say things like this to us, if anything, this was truly a learning experience for me personally, at least. 543 00:34:17,211.051401 --> 00:34:20,631.051401 So reframe it, think about it that way. 544 00:34:21,171.051401 --> 00:34:25,71.051401 And the beauty of it is, and again, you guys, this is the essence of growing and grief. 545 00:34:26,211.051401 --> 00:34:27,471.051401 It changes you. 546 00:34:28,881.051401 --> 00:34:32,241.051401 You are simply not the same person that you once were. 547 00:34:33,21.051401 --> 00:34:34,521.051401 And it shifts your perspective. 548 00:34:34,581.051401 --> 00:34:39,951.051401 And when situations like this arise, this is a perfect opportunity. 549 00:34:40,761.051401 --> 00:34:43,761.051401 And a perfect example of a way that we can choose. 550 00:34:44,331.051401 --> 00:34:45,321.051401 How we. 551 00:34:46,211.051401 --> 00:34:46,841.051401 Deal with it. 552 00:34:47,921.051401 --> 00:34:57,41.051401 Do we choose to be the bigger person? Like I tried to be at least in this situation or do we lose it? Or, you know what I mean? We have choices. 553 00:34:57,431.051401 --> 00:35:03,101.051401 We have these beautiful choices in front of us, and I know it doesn't always feel that way. 554 00:35:03,101.051401 --> 00:35:13,691.051401 And again, if you were earlier on, in your grieving journey right now, please just take all of this in, keep it in the back of your mind as always, we're always planting little seeds here, but. 555 00:35:14,261.051401 --> 00:35:19,421.051401 That is something I have personally found about three, four years out from losing my parents. 556 00:35:20,141.051401 --> 00:35:28,121.051401 And it has been a really empowering mindset shift for me, knowing that I have the choice. 557 00:35:28,631.051401 --> 00:35:31,961.051401 And how I allow comments like this to affect me. 558 00:35:32,351.051401 --> 00:35:33,341.051401 And there was a time. 559 00:35:34,1.051401 --> 00:35:36,491.051401 Earlier on where I did allow them to affect me. 560 00:35:37,61.051401 --> 00:35:39,161.051401 I would stew on them for days. 561 00:35:39,161.051401 --> 00:35:41,51.051401 I was really resentful of the person. 562 00:35:41,321.051401 --> 00:35:42,551.051401 It brought me down. 563 00:35:43,241.051401 --> 00:35:44,921.051401 To such a negative place. 564 00:35:45,401.051401 --> 00:35:48,131.051401 And to such a low frequency. 565 00:35:48,131.051401 --> 00:35:51,551.051401 And I was living in such a low vibrational space. 566 00:35:52,691.051401 --> 00:36:01,421.051401 And the more it happened and the, the more that I evolved with my grief, the more I realized like, Nope, I am not allowing that in anymore. 567 00:36:01,481.051401 --> 00:36:02,471.051401 I do not need. 568 00:36:03,251.051401 --> 00:36:04,961.051401 I do not need this toxicity. 569 00:36:04,961.051401 --> 00:36:06,971.051401 I do not need people like this. 570 00:36:06,971.051401 --> 00:36:08,471.051401 I mean, again, perfect example. 571 00:36:08,531.051401 --> 00:36:09,431.051401 Right? So. 572 00:36:10,931.051401 --> 00:36:11,771.051401 Something to consider. 573 00:36:12,591.051401 --> 00:36:17,520.2350745 Oh, real quick interruption here, and then we'll get back to this episode. 574 00:36:17,970.2350745 --> 00:36:23,10.2350745 If you were someone who was experiencing some form of loss and are trying to navigate the complexities of grief. 575 00:36:23,370.2350745 --> 00:36:26,940.2350745 Which you likely are in some capacity, if you've stumbled upon this podcast. 576 00:36:27,240.2350745 --> 00:36:29,190.2350745 Then this message is for you. 577 00:36:29,670.2350745 --> 00:36:33,240.2350745 If you haven't heard about my life with grief, membership and community yet. 578 00:36:33,510.2350745 --> 00:36:36,240.2350745 This is truly something that you need to check out. 579 00:36:36,630.2350745 --> 00:36:43,290.2350745 This membership is here to guide you into living a deeper, more meaningful and full life after experiencing loss. 580 00:36:43,680.2350745 --> 00:36:45,210.2350745 Who doesn't want that? Right. 581 00:36:45,660.2350745 --> 00:36:51,0.2350745 I created this membership because I know what it's like to navigate and cope with grief on a daily basis. 582 00:36:51,330.2350745 --> 00:36:54,540.2350745 And I know the tools and support it takes to do this effectively. 583 00:36:55,20.2350745 --> 00:36:59,310.2350745 I've done the work myself and I've coached people just like you to do the same. 584 00:36:59,810.2350745 --> 00:37:09,470.2350745 It comes down to having impactful, effective resources and tools at your disposal, having the right support around you from people who can understand and empathize with your grief. 585 00:37:09,950.2350745 --> 00:37:18,800.2350745 And having encouragement and inspiration around you consistently to not only elicit and spark change, but to keep it and keep the positive momentum going. 586 00:37:19,400.2350745 --> 00:37:24,230.2350745 Enrollment opens once a month for a limited time, check out the details, LinkedIn, the description. 587 00:37:24,350.2350745 --> 00:37:25,520.2350745 And I hope to see you in there. 588 00:37:25,930.2350745 --> 00:37:29,839.418748 Oh, Before we start wrapping this up. 589 00:37:29,869.418748 --> 00:37:36,889.418748 Let's just talk high level here about what we can do about insensitive comments like this when they come in. 590 00:37:37,819.418748 --> 00:37:38,599.418748 Number one. 591 00:37:38,959.418748 --> 00:37:40,309.418748 And this is what I had to do. 592 00:37:40,309.418748 --> 00:37:46,159.418748 Big time with this woman who slid into my inbox, take a deep breath. 593 00:37:46,729.418748 --> 00:37:48,79.418748 Take multiple deep breaths. 594 00:37:49,159.418748 --> 00:37:51,139.418748 Before reacting to the comment. 595 00:37:51,139.418748 --> 00:37:57,109.418748 And by the way, I should mention, you know, there are going to be instances where someone just says this to our face and we might have to just like. 596 00:37:57,769.418748 --> 00:38:01,609.418748 Take it, you know, for me, I was reading this on my phone, so I had. 597 00:38:02,629.418748 --> 00:38:09,319.418748 Uh, I had time before I responded or before I said anything, but this goes for any in-person situation as well. 598 00:38:09,889.418748 --> 00:38:17,749.418748 Take a moment to breathe deeply and collect your thoughts because this can help you respond much more calmly. 599 00:38:18,169.418748 --> 00:38:19,39.418748 And rationally. 600 00:38:19,639.418748 --> 00:38:24,319.418748 So getting ourselves grounded, bringing ourselves back to our breath. 601 00:38:25,219.418748 --> 00:38:26,779.418748 That is, that is recommendation. 602 00:38:26,809.418748 --> 00:38:27,859.418748 Number one, always. 603 00:38:29,59.418748 --> 00:38:29,839.418748 Number two. 604 00:38:30,529.418748 --> 00:38:33,169.418748 Recognize that it's okay to be upset. 605 00:38:33,679.418748 --> 00:38:38,449.418748 It's normal to feel hurt or angry when someone makes an insensitive comment like this. 606 00:38:38,749.418748 --> 00:38:42,19.418748 Especially if you were already dealing with the pain of grief. 607 00:38:42,319.418748 --> 00:38:53,359.418748 That is why we might be like, are you freaking kidding me? Like really? You think I need this on top of everything else? And the saddest part is some people don't even realize the insensitivity behind it. 608 00:38:54,29.418748 --> 00:38:59,9.418748 So really just allow yourself to acknowledge and validate your emotions here. 609 00:38:59,819.418748 --> 00:39:05,519.418748 And I would even take this a step further and ask yourself what this is bringing up for you. 610 00:39:05,999.418748 --> 00:39:21,239.418748 I do this sometimes when I am coaching one-on-one with people, we literally start our session sometimes with like, okay, what are three emotions? Or like, Tell me, what are three words that are coming up for you for how you're feeling today? And it could be anything. 611 00:39:21,239.418748 --> 00:39:25,949.418748 It could be, you know, anticipation, anger, and hope. 612 00:39:26,429.418748 --> 00:39:32,549.418748 It can literally be three completely kind of seemingly different emotions or feelings. 613 00:39:33,239.418748 --> 00:39:40,319.418748 And that's what I love to do, because then we get into that and I'm like, okay, well, let's, let's tackle, you know, the anticipation you're feeling. 614 00:39:40,319.418748 --> 00:39:42,689.418748 Are you feeling a little angsty? Like let's, let's get into that. 615 00:39:42,689.418748 --> 00:39:43,499.418748 Let's talk about that. 616 00:39:44,39.418748 --> 00:39:45,749.418748 And then we go through some of the other emotions. 617 00:39:45,749.418748 --> 00:39:48,719.418748 So this is something that you can do on your own as well. 618 00:39:49,139.418748 --> 00:39:51,809.418748 And I love doing this practice because. 619 00:39:52,439.418748 --> 00:39:55,619.418748 It just really enhances that self reflection. 620 00:39:56,129.418748 --> 00:40:01,889.418748 And it builds that within us, it literally builds our emotional intelligence, which. 621 00:40:02,969.418748 --> 00:40:05,129.418748 There could always be more needed out there. 622 00:40:05,249.418748 --> 00:40:05,789.418748 Right. 623 00:40:05,819.418748 --> 00:40:06,209.418748 So. 624 00:40:07,109.418748 --> 00:40:13,559.418748 You know, and then here's the thing and sensitive comments can be difficult not to dwell on or stew over or get upset about. 625 00:40:14,519.418748 --> 00:40:21,359.418748 But I encourage you to think about this in a productive way and doing this self reflection. 626 00:40:21,629.418748 --> 00:40:24,749.418748 That's a perfect way to do this. 627 00:40:24,809.418748 --> 00:40:25,169.418748 And. 628 00:40:25,859.418748 --> 00:40:34,49.418748 Honestly, that also makes us a better and more well-rounded person who is then better able to support other people as well. 629 00:40:34,469.418748 --> 00:40:41,429.418748 And, you know, slowly but surely here, if we're all sort of doing this, it stops that cycle of insensitive comments. 630 00:40:42,29.418748 --> 00:40:44,999.418748 But doing that, that starts with us. 631 00:40:45,269.418748 --> 00:40:47,639.418748 And that starts with practices just like this. 632 00:40:48,209.418748 --> 00:40:48,659.418748 All right. 633 00:40:48,689.418748 --> 00:40:51,419.418748 Number three, set boundaries. 634 00:40:51,929.418748 --> 00:40:53,219.418748 I explained how I did that. 635 00:40:53,669.418748 --> 00:40:55,919.418748 In this particular instance that I shared earlier. 636 00:40:56,429.418748 --> 00:40:58,529.418748 If you feel comfortable doing so. 637 00:40:59,69.418748 --> 00:41:06,809.418748 Calmly, let the person know that their comment was hurtful and ask them to refrain from making similar remarks in the future. 638 00:41:07,439.418748 --> 00:41:12,539.418748 Setting boundaries is super important for maintaining your emotional wellbeing. 639 00:41:13,349.418748 --> 00:41:21,869.418748 This is probably the most important lesson I've had to learn when it comes to dealing with insensitive comments and balancing our mental health. 640 00:41:22,439.418748 --> 00:41:24,419.418748 Because insensitive comments. 641 00:41:24,869.418748 --> 00:41:29,729.418748 Truly can wreck our mental health, especially if we are not in a good place. 642 00:41:30,179.418748 --> 00:41:35,69.418748 If we are really in the depths of grief, for example, if we're really early on in our grieving journey. 643 00:41:35,489.418748 --> 00:41:46,889.418748 So if there was ever a time to be really on top of your mental health, And really focusing on you and what you and your heart need right now. 644 00:41:47,669.418748 --> 00:41:48,299.418748 It is now. 645 00:41:48,629.418748 --> 00:41:53,459.418748 So please set that time aside, set those boundaries, give yourself that gift. 646 00:41:54,659.418748 --> 00:41:56,849.418748 Number four seek support. 647 00:41:56,879.418748 --> 00:42:03,779.418748 Of course, surround yourself with supportive friends and family members who understand what you are going through. 648 00:42:03,869.418748 --> 00:42:07,139.418748 I truly hope you have someone around you. 649 00:42:07,589.418748 --> 00:42:17,889.418748 Where you can do this with Talking to someone who empathizes with your feelings and can provide some comfort and validation and hopefully some support and some direction as well. 650 00:42:17,889.418748 --> 00:42:23,279.418748 So whether this is through a counselor or therapist y'all I'm a perfect example. 651 00:42:23,309.418748 --> 00:42:26,129.418748 I am here for you, right? Like I have a grief coach. 652 00:42:26,189.418748 --> 00:42:27,299.418748 This is what I'm here to do. 653 00:42:27,599.418748 --> 00:42:37,889.418748 And also with my life with grief membership like this, that community that we're building in there of like-minded people, a fellow grievers, those are the kinds of people. 654 00:42:38,399.418748 --> 00:42:39,719.418748 That you might need around you. 655 00:42:39,719.418748 --> 00:42:41,219.418748 Sometimes we need a third party. 656 00:42:41,219.418748 --> 00:42:50,279.418748 Sometimes we need someone not quite so in our inner circle, who can really understand what we're going through in their own way. 657 00:42:50,759.418748 --> 00:42:54,119.418748 And to show each other a little bit of love and a little support. 658 00:42:54,809.418748 --> 00:42:57,989.418748 Number five, educate when possible. 659 00:42:58,499.418748 --> 00:43:05,339.418748 The thing is sometimes people make insensitive comments more, a little bit out of ignorance rather than malice. 660 00:43:05,369.418748 --> 00:43:07,829.418748 Like, I don't know what this woman was trying to do with me. 661 00:43:08,99.418748 --> 00:43:15,209.418748 But a lot of the times people actually don't mean it to be malicious, but of course it can come off that way. 662 00:43:15,209.418748 --> 00:43:26,69.418748 So if you feel up to it, Gently educate the person about why their comment was hurtful and suggest a more appropriate way to offer support in the future. 663 00:43:26,69.418748 --> 00:43:30,959.418748 So, Obviously I had my way of doing this lesson. 664 00:43:30,989.418748 --> 00:43:32,909.418748 I don't know if it was perfect. 665 00:43:33,59.418748 --> 00:43:35,219.418748 I felt very attacked. 666 00:43:35,249.418748 --> 00:43:37,19.418748 I felt very victimized. 667 00:43:37,19.418748 --> 00:43:43,859.418748 You know how like in mean girls, like where everyone's like, have you personally been victimized by Regina, George? Like, hi, my hand was so raised. 668 00:43:44,519.418748 --> 00:43:50,499.418748 In this instance, but let me give you some other examples here of things you could potentially say. 669 00:43:51,219.418748 --> 00:43:51,969.418748 Number one. 670 00:43:52,929.418748 --> 00:43:59,349.418748 Listen, I think you mean well, but I have to be honest, this comment is leaving me feeling dismissed. 671 00:43:59,709.418748 --> 00:44:05,79.418748 And invalidated and ultimately isn't helpful in terms of coping with my loss. 672 00:44:06,9.418748 --> 00:44:08,529.418748 Another one could be thank you for the sentiment. 673 00:44:08,799.418748 --> 00:44:16,479.418748 But honestly, this is making me feel a bit Gaslight in my grief and it is not helping me cope with my grief properly. 674 00:44:17,619.418748 --> 00:44:18,579.418748 Another one could be. 675 00:44:19,59.418748 --> 00:44:21,519.418748 I appreciate your thoughts and you thinking of me. 676 00:44:21,939.418748 --> 00:44:24,279.418748 But this is how I need to process my grief right now. 677 00:44:24,819.418748 --> 00:44:29,679.418748 I will let you know when an F I'm open to your perspectives on how to cope. 678 00:44:30,999.418748 --> 00:44:32,79.418748 Another could be. 679 00:44:32,859.418748 --> 00:44:38,199.418748 Honestly, simply listening without giving your advice or guidance is really helpful for me right now. 680 00:44:38,709.418748 --> 00:44:39,429.418748 Thank you though. 681 00:44:41,59.418748 --> 00:44:42,619.418748 Uh, last one here could be. 682 00:44:42,889.418748 --> 00:44:43,609.418748 I understand. 683 00:44:43,609.418748 --> 00:44:44,989.418748 You're trying to find the right words. 684 00:44:45,379.418748 --> 00:44:49,369.418748 But truthfully there simply aren't any words that can uplift me right now. 685 00:44:49,729.418748 --> 00:44:55,699.418748 I would love to just have an ear to listen and help keeping my loved one's memory alive. 686 00:44:56,399.418748 --> 00:45:00,779.418748 So, you know, those are just some examples, take them or leave them word it. 687 00:45:00,779.418748 --> 00:45:07,149.418748 However you'd like, if you're ever in this situation, and of course we don't want to come off as condescending at all. 688 00:45:07,149.418748 --> 00:45:09,819.418748 A couple ones in there was sort of like, thank you though. 689 00:45:10,419.418748 --> 00:45:12,609.418748 But, you know, inflection is a big part of it. 690 00:45:12,639.418748 --> 00:45:14,319.418748 I certainly don't want to say. 691 00:45:14,379.418748 --> 00:45:15,909.418748 Um, thank you though, as like, mm. 692 00:45:15,909.418748 --> 00:45:16,179.418748 Okay. 693 00:45:16,239.418748 --> 00:45:16,539.418748 Thanks. 694 00:45:16,539.418748 --> 00:45:16,929.418748 Bye. 695 00:45:17,269.418748 --> 00:45:19,489.418748 It's more like, you know, thank you. 696 00:45:19,909.418748 --> 00:45:27,379.418748 I appreciate the sentiment, but this is not really adding any value to my grieving journey right now. 697 00:45:27,379.418748 --> 00:45:29,149.418748 So thank you though. 698 00:45:29,209.418748 --> 00:45:30,79.418748 I appreciate it. 699 00:45:30,409.418748 --> 00:45:31,969.418748 You know what I mean? That kind of vibe. 700 00:45:32,209.418748 --> 00:45:32,449.418748 So. 701 00:45:33,769.418748 --> 00:45:34,579.418748 Number six here. 702 00:45:34,969.418748 --> 00:45:36,229.418748 Focus on self care. 703 00:45:36,379.418748 --> 00:45:37,699.418748 Always, always, always. 704 00:45:38,209.418748 --> 00:45:40,459.418748 Grieving is emotionally exhausting. 705 00:45:40,519.418748 --> 00:45:45,859.418748 So prioritize self care activities that help you feel grounded and nurtured. 706 00:45:45,889.418748 --> 00:45:49,309.418748 So self-care super buzz word. 707 00:45:49,579.418748 --> 00:45:52,819.418748 I don't just mean manicures and pedicures and whatever else here. 708 00:45:52,819.418748 --> 00:45:56,149.418748 Although, listen, if that helps you more power to you. 709 00:45:56,729.418748 --> 00:46:06,119.418748 What I want to really just hit home with here in this level of self care, is that grounded and nurtured thing? I just said. 710 00:46:06,389.418748 --> 00:46:11,249.418748 So this nurtured aspect is especially important because. 711 00:46:11,879.418748 --> 00:46:18,689.418748 Insensitive comments like this, that cut deep can make us feel very raw and very vulnerable. 712 00:46:19,109.418748 --> 00:46:24,89.418748 And oftentimes we have to be the ones to nurture ourselves in these situations. 713 00:46:24,89.418748 --> 00:46:27,59.418748 And we sort of have to nurture ourselves through this. 714 00:46:27,509.418748 --> 00:46:36,89.418748 And that can be really hard, especially when we are earlier on in our grief or there has been something that has come up recently that is really making our grief very prominent. 715 00:46:36,89.418748 --> 00:46:36,569.418748 Again. 716 00:46:37,79.418748 --> 00:46:37,739.418748 So. 717 00:46:38,429.418748 --> 00:46:41,69.418748 You know, just think about what this could be for you. 718 00:46:41,69.418748 --> 00:46:46,859.418748 This could include things like spending time in nature, really getting your feet on the ground again, and getting really grounded with the earth. 719 00:46:47,399.418748 --> 00:46:55,319.418748 Practicing mindfulness or meditation techniques engaging in hobbies that you enjoy seeking professional counseling. 720 00:46:55,319.418748 --> 00:46:56,279.418748 Of course. 721 00:46:56,309.418748 --> 00:46:57,59.418748 You know, I know you don't. 722 00:46:57,509.418748 --> 00:47:02,939.418748 A lot of people are kind of like, how is that self care? But like, seriously, I, like I said, I mentioned mental health. 723 00:47:02,969.418748 --> 00:47:04,679.418748 I am not joking around about this. 724 00:47:04,679.418748 --> 00:47:05,69.418748 Like. 725 00:47:05,609.418748 --> 00:47:06,839.418748 Comments like this. 726 00:47:07,349.418748 --> 00:47:08,909.418748 Like I said, you guys I've seen it. 727 00:47:08,909.418748 --> 00:47:10,769.418748 It has set people back. 728 00:47:10,819.418748 --> 00:47:12,259.418748 Please seek out the help. 729 00:47:12,949.418748 --> 00:47:19,339.418748 And lastly, you know, just engaging in activities that bring you joy and spending time with people you love around you. 730 00:47:19,949.418748 --> 00:47:21,929.418748 So last two here really quick. 731 00:47:21,929.418748 --> 00:47:23,819.418748 And then we will close out this episode. 732 00:47:24,449.418748 --> 00:47:26,669.418748 Number one, redirect your thoughts. 733 00:47:26,699.418748 --> 00:47:34,319.418748 I've talked about this a little bit already, so I won't harp on this, but when you find yourself dwelling on these insensitive comments, if they come your way. 734 00:47:34,739.418748 --> 00:47:39,449.418748 Try your best to redirect your thoughts to a more positive or constructive. 735 00:47:39,689.418748 --> 00:47:41,279.418748 Thing or topic. 736 00:47:41,559.418748 --> 00:47:45,759.418748 I've already talked a little bit about how we can do this, but I just want to reiterate. 737 00:47:46,209.418748 --> 00:47:51,279.418748 Being able to really take that power back and put it within our hands. 738 00:47:51,789.418748 --> 00:47:59,319.418748 And choose how we want to take a comment like that or how personally we want to take it or whatever it is. 739 00:47:59,949.418748 --> 00:48:01,899.418748 And those comments, the swimming gave me those. 740 00:48:01,899.418748 --> 00:48:03,99.418748 Those really cut deep for me. 741 00:48:03,99.418748 --> 00:48:05,889.418748 I really took some of that personally. 742 00:48:06,399.418748 --> 00:48:14,139.418748 And honestly, I, it really sent me into a little bit of a spiral because I was like, oh my God are other people seeing me this way or whatever. 743 00:48:15,49.418748 --> 00:48:18,919.418748 And eventually, I think it's really important to just get to a place. 744 00:48:19,339.418748 --> 00:48:22,279.418748 In our healing journey, which is continuous, right. 745 00:48:23,509.418748 --> 00:48:29,389.418748 And getting to a place in our grief where we can just say, you know what, my grief it is sacred to me. 746 00:48:30,79.418748 --> 00:48:32,509.418748 And how I cope with it and how I handle it. 747 00:48:32,869.418748 --> 00:48:34,879.418748 That is within my power. 748 00:48:34,879.418748 --> 00:48:36,349.418748 That is within my hands. 749 00:48:36,749.418748 --> 00:48:38,849.418748 It makes sense that they can cut deep. 750 00:48:38,879.418748 --> 00:48:39,809.418748 It makes sense. 751 00:48:40,109.418748 --> 00:48:41,879.418748 That it makes us second guess. 752 00:48:41,909.418748 --> 00:48:48,389.418748 And it makes sense that it can hurt us because who wants something negative said to them. 753 00:48:48,449.418748 --> 00:48:48,929.418748 Right. 754 00:48:48,929.418748 --> 00:48:49,259.418748 So. 755 00:48:50,279.418748 --> 00:48:52,109.418748 I don't want to invalidate anybody here. 756 00:48:52,109.418748 --> 00:48:56,819.418748 Like it's okay to feel hurt by these things. 757 00:48:57,419.418748 --> 00:49:07,379.418748 But the beauty of it is we do not have to let these people get the best of us and we can choose how we want to move forward and how we want the narrative to go. 758 00:49:08,69.418748 --> 00:49:09,389.418748 Nobody can strip that from us. 759 00:49:09,389.418748 --> 00:49:10,709.418748 Nobody can take that from us. 760 00:49:11,789.418748 --> 00:49:16,589.418748 Very last thing here, and I hope this goes without saying, but give yourself grace. 761 00:49:17,9.418748 --> 00:49:22,289.418748 Remember that it is okay to have good days and it's okay to have bad days while we are grieving. 762 00:49:22,439.418748 --> 00:49:26,489.418748 And even outside of grief, that is the nature of life. 763 00:49:26,789.418748 --> 00:49:32,789.418748 So be kind to yourself and allow yourself the space to feel whatever emotions come up for you. 764 00:49:33,659.418748 --> 00:49:34,679.418748 Without any judgment. 765 00:49:35,779.418748 --> 00:49:40,969.418748 Remember that you were only human, you are going through a very human experience. 766 00:49:40,999.418748 --> 00:49:48,349.418748 One that is painful and exhausting and draining and very raw and vulnerable, like I said, and. 767 00:49:48,739.418748 --> 00:49:50,989.418748 I just want to say here, if you ever have. 768 00:49:51,619.418748 --> 00:49:58,39.418748 Had any kind of comment, like I brought up today or anything under the sun said to you that hurt you. 769 00:49:58,729.418748 --> 00:49:59,29.418748 Please. 770 00:49:59,29.418748 --> 00:49:59,419.418748 No. 771 00:49:59,719.418748 --> 00:50:01,579.418748 Uh, I'm just, I'm thinking of you. 772 00:50:01,579.418748 --> 00:50:03,709.418748 I'm sending you so much love and I'm so sorry. 773 00:50:04,189.418748 --> 00:50:11,659.418748 That you have had to endure that on top of everything else that you have already been through and that you will continue to go through. 774 00:50:12,289.418748 --> 00:50:13,399.418748 It is not fair. 775 00:50:13,789.418748 --> 00:50:15,739.418748 It's not fun when it happens. 776 00:50:16,579.418748 --> 00:50:23,359.418748 But I really hope you took away from all of this today that we can control the narrative. 777 00:50:23,569.418748 --> 00:50:26,809.418748 We can control our mindset and our thoughts around it. 778 00:50:27,169.418748 --> 00:50:31,459.418748 And while it might get to us for a few minutes, it might get to us for a little while. 779 00:50:31,579.418748 --> 00:50:34,639.418748 Sometimes that's really hard to avoid and we can't always help that. 780 00:50:35,519.418748 --> 00:50:38,609.418748 We can choose how we let it affect us. 781 00:50:39,89.418748 --> 00:50:41,609.418748 But more over and almost more beautifully. 782 00:50:42,29.418748 --> 00:50:49,379.418748 How we can then show up as a better, more supportive human being for other souls. 783 00:50:49,739.418748 --> 00:50:54,779.418748 On this planet to write, because that is all, any of us are, we are all just here. 784 00:50:55,49.418748 --> 00:50:57,359.418748 Wandering around trying to figure it out. 785 00:50:57,989.418748 --> 00:51:01,409.418748 No one has the right to make you feel. 786 00:51:01,799.418748 --> 00:51:02,939.418748 Any type of way. 787 00:51:03,239.418748 --> 00:51:04,499.418748 Without your permission. 788 00:51:04,799.418748 --> 00:51:07,199.418748 So I hope you remember that today. 789 00:51:07,199.418748 --> 00:51:10,799.418748 My friend, I really hope you enjoyed today's episode. 790 00:51:10,829.418748 --> 00:51:14,189.418748 I really wanted this to just be very conversational. 791 00:51:14,549.418748 --> 00:51:19,979.418748 Like I said, just very open and honest, but also hopefully constructive. 792 00:51:19,979.418748 --> 00:51:24,539.418748 And some of the things that we talked about in terms of how to cope and how to navigate this. 793 00:51:24,569.418748 --> 00:51:25,169.418748 So. 794 00:51:25,689.418748 --> 00:51:29,109.418748 If you enjoyed today's episode, please let me know your thoughts. 795 00:51:29,109.418748 --> 00:51:31,209.418748 I always love hearing from people. 796 00:51:31,569.418748 --> 00:51:36,279.418748 And if you found it helpful at all, please share it with someone else who could use it. 797 00:51:36,279.418748 --> 00:51:42,459.418748 I really want to spread awareness about this, but moreover, I really just want to be able to help whoever I can. 798 00:51:42,759.418748 --> 00:51:48,819.418748 If they find themselves in a position like this, it is not a fun place to be, but no one. 799 00:51:49,209.418748 --> 00:51:49,959.418748 Isn't it alone. 800 00:51:50,409.418748 --> 00:51:50,859.418748 All right. 801 00:51:50,979.418748 --> 00:51:55,389.418748 So with that being said, thank you so much for hanging out with me today. 802 00:51:55,749.418748 --> 00:51:57,519.418748 And I will catch you in the next episode. 803 00:51:58,969.418748 --> 00:52:02,569.418748 I am sending you a huge thank you for tuning into today's episode. 804 00:52:02,599.418748 --> 00:52:03,79.418748 My friend. 805 00:52:03,439.418748 --> 00:52:04,699.418748 I'm so grateful you're here. 806 00:52:04,699.418748 --> 00:52:07,189.418748 And for the steps you were taking to heal your heart. 807 00:52:07,549.418748 --> 00:52:08,389.418748 Open your mind. 808 00:52:08,659.418748 --> 00:52:16,849.418748 Fulfill your soul learn, grow, and evolve and move through this crazy thing called life in big, beautiful, impactful ways. 809 00:52:17,419.418748 --> 00:52:19,279.418748 Visit losses become gains.com 810 00:52:19,279.418748 --> 00:52:20,59.418748 for my blog. 811 00:52:20,329.418748 --> 00:52:29,569.418748 Ways to work with me to shop my daily journal and so much more, and be sure you're following along on Instagram and Facebook at life with grief podcast. 812 00:52:29,969.418748 --> 00:52:34,859.418748 I love seeing new faces, meeting new people, hearing your stories and supporting you. 813 00:52:34,889.418748 --> 00:52:35,849.418748 However I can. 814 00:52:36,359.418748 --> 00:52:37,769.418748 Be sure to hit that subscribe button. 815 00:52:37,769.418748 --> 00:52:42,59.418748 If you haven't already, if you haven't left a rating or review, please do so. 816 00:52:42,59.418748 --> 00:52:43,319.418748 I would so appreciate it. 817 00:52:43,619.418748 --> 00:52:48,929.418748 Or if you feel so inclined to share this episode or this podcast with someone who could use it too. 818 00:52:49,619.418748 --> 00:52:51,149.418748 I'll catch you in the next episode.