August 8, 2023 • 35 mins
In this first episode of my podcast "Red Flags, Green Flags: Modern Psychology For Everyday Drama", I go into detail about why modern dating is not working. I also speak about common red flags and green flags you need to watch out for when you start dating someone.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:14):
Hello everyone and welcome to my newpodcast where we'll be talking about
the psychology of everyday drama.
As our lives are rapidly changing dueto technology, social developments,
and even global uncertainties,we're losing our ability to deal
effectively with everyday situationsand even our human interactions.
Now, In today's first episode ofmy podcast, I want to start talking
(00:37):
about something that I've beentalking a lot about in my reels
and my TikToks and on social media,which is relationships, right?
Love relationships.
I think we all deal with relationshipson a day to day basis at work with our
families, with our friends but also inour romantic settings, relationships are
a very important aspect of our lives.
One thing I've noticed while workingon social media so far is that, people
(01:02):
are looking for love, even though intoday's world, we're so focused on
ourselves and our personal developmentand, trying to make ourselves a better
person, which is all a good thing.
We still deep down inside want to havesomeone that we can be connected to and
spend our time with and feel loved by.
We're human and as humanbeings, we're social by nature.
And that means that we not only want.
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And desire to be around peoplethat we care about, but it also
helps us to understand who we are.
It also helps us to understand reality.
Why is it so hard to findromance in today's world?
Why is it so hard to find someonethat really wants to spend more
time with you than just a coupleof hookups or a quick booty call?
Today's world has changedconsiderably compared to where it
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was maybe 20 or 30, 40 years ago.
But to be able to answer this question,why it's so hard to find love in
today's world, I think we have togo and look back at how traditional
dating was, if we can give that a name.
Let's talk a little bit moreabout traditional dating.
And in the traditional sense you wouldhave to go out and try and find someone
if you really wanted to meet someone forsomething that was much more long term.
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You would dress up, you'd go out withyour friends look your best and hope
that you would find someone attractivewhen you, Go to a bar or maybe to a club
and then also, have a conversation withthem just to get to know them better
if you dare to, of course you'd have toactually go up to someone and, it's just
come up with some kind of cheesy pickupline to see if they would fall for it.
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But still, the whole point of it wasthat you had to put in a lot of efforts
to get to know them, and once you didget to know them, eventually you'd
have to go out on dates with them.
to know more about them, so to knowmore about their lives and what they
do, where they work, what excitesthem, but also at the same time, also
what are they fearful of and also toget to know their other sides as well.
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For example, if, how do they respondand react when they get upset?
How do they deal withdifficult situations?
And also, what do they want to getout of being together with someone?
In essence, dating was tough in thepast but we also put more effort into
it and we also learned how to dealbetter with each other's differences.
Especially if, in some cultures,for example, dating multiple
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people is not accepted.
And staying with one person, thoughyou might not always like that
person, it does teach you how to...
Teaches you more about yourselfand how you can be more resilient
in a relationship and also, how toovercome difficulties in some sense.
And now again, I'm not talkingabout, going through very abusive
relationships and accepting that,and many people unfortunately do.
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But I'm talking much more inthe sense of, how it is to...
Put in the effort and really not just giveup on someone when the going gets tough.
So let's actually bring thisto modern relationships.
Now in, in modern relationships or moderndating, let's say, everything has changed.
I think technology has come in.
And change the way that we operatethe way we find partners, the way
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we find information about partners,that has, has completely changed.
Now with mobile dating apps, wehave a plethora or a limitless
ocean of options in terms of people.
So there's this thing called easyaccess and with easy access it is the
fact that you can find anyone you wantany time of the day at just a click
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of a button or a flick of a button.
And when you do, it's okay,I want to find this person.
I want to have a person with these traits.
You, it's like going to Walmart andchoosing what you want to have for dinner.
That's not the best analogy togive, but you get the idea, right?
Those, you would think that having allthose options available to you would
make you much more happier, right?
If you look at standard economicsand, neoclassical economics would
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state, the more options you have,the happier you're going to be.
But what actually the behavioral scienceshows us is that the more options you
have, the more paralyzed you becomeand also the more unhappier you become
with the choices that you've made.
And I think this also really muchapplies to the field of dating.
So when we have so many options available,We might not value the individual as
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much as when we have limited options.
So if we think, wait a minute, I canreplace you tomorrow, or I can find
someone else, or I can have multipleoptions then we don't really look
at people as people anymore, butwe actually start to look at them
more as options in that perspective.
When the going gets tough, even,think about it when situations get
very difficult, we then eventually...
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You might not want to face thosedifficulties or maybe even, challenge
ourselves with our red flags that weidentify in ourselves and just move away
because it's the easier option to do.
And when you have so many optionsavailable, then that's maybe
the thing that you prefer to do.
than actually working onyourself or working on your
relationship to make that work.
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Now, so ease of access is one thingthat I think is, has changed the
way we treat each other full stop.
So there's also ease of use that Ithink is another thing that we need to
become more aware of in modern dating.
So ease of use means, and it linksinto easy access, is that basically if
I can quickly find someone and engagewith you, then why should I put in
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the extra effort to get to know you?
Think about this.
Why do we date?
We date basically because wewant to be intimate with people.
And men mostly have a short termmating strategy perspective,
whereas women more often have a longterm mating strategy perspective.
Now I won't go into all of theevolutionary reasons for this,
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but just think about that.
If...
Your online environment allows you tohave short term mating strategies, then
it facilitates your needs pretty well.
But if you have more long term matingstrategies, then there's going to
be a mismatch when you try to meetpeople on a dating app for the purpose
of trying to find love or havinga more long standing relationship.
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So what the internet does or what datingapps do is they actually make it very
easy for us to have those short termmating strategies and to facilitate that.
And if we know that we don't have to putmuch effort into getting to know people.
And we can just have a quickbooty call or, have fuck buddies.
I don't know if I can say that.
I think I can, right?
Or you're looking for, situationshipsor having multiple partners.
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That ease of use makes youbelieve that you can do that
because people are just available.
At the same time, it also givesyou the feeling that you can maybe
treat people differently becausethere are no consequences to how
you behave with other people
and eventually how that would...
impact you later on.
Look in the old days, it soundsso strange that I'm saying that,
but in the traditional dating youwould have your social network
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to vet the people that you know.
Often we used to meet people throughoutsocial circles and still today we do that
and in many cultures that still happens.
So there's this kind of like vettingprocess that actually happens where people
are not scrutinized but evaluated upon.
And so you'll have an additionallayer of evaluation besides
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your own, however, in the onlinespace, we don't have that, right?
We don't have a five star ratinglike you'd have on booking.
com or some other, consumer websitewhere you can give your feedback and
tell people how great the servicewas or how bad the service was.
But with dating, youjust don't have that yet.
I do think that would be somethingvery interesting for the future.
But that doesn't exist yet, sothere's no real vetting process.
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And so anyone can get online.
Anyone who is maybe not in theright mindset to date or shouldn't
date at this stage of their lives,can actually be there, right?
And so that need for being withsomeone for the short term is there,
then eventually you might find peoplethat are not going to be good for
you, or that are completely notinterested in a long term relationship.
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And then the other aspect about moderndating today, which I think really doesn't
do well to, finding a more long termpartner, is this perceived distance.
And when we perceive things to be faraway from us such as, for example,
texting people through a WhatsApp chat ortexting to people on Tinder after a match.
You don't feel that theperson is close to you.
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Anonymity is there.
You can treat them differently thanyou would do when they're face to face.
Think about it.
When, people slide intoyour DM so easily nowadays.
But when you meet them on the street,they just completely ignore you.
Or they don't have the socialskills to even talk to you.
So this.
The internet and the digital layerin our screens have created some kind
of distance to which we don't feelcomfortable as much as we did in the past
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to have conversations with people, toshow up, or even deal with a difficult
situation, we'd just rather walk awaybecause it feels much more easier to do.
So I think that perceived distance alsohas some kind of impact on how people
interact with each other nowadays.
This concept of ghosting has comeup too much around me and I've
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seen it with a lot of people.
People just ghost other peoplebecause if you have too many
options you can just let people go.
Basically, why would I even put even anytime into you and show you any respect
that I want to spend time with or eventell you that I just don't like you.
And now we just ghostpeople basically, right?
So ghosting has become a big thingnowadays also because of how the internet
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and social media apps are actuallyimpacting the way that we behave.
And so I guess when we take thisall together, modern relationships,
especially romantic relationships are,it's getting harder, it's getting tough.
And I think technology and changing normsabout what we believe about relationships
and the importance that we give tosomeone else and wanting to be with
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someone else is, it's completely changing.
In the sense of it's, itisn't what it used to be.
Now, does it mean that we have to becontinuously worried for the future?
Absolutely not.
I think eventually if you considerwhat, if you are intentional about
what you want and what you're lookingfor, then be intentional about
looking for someone who is alsoserious about being in a relationship
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or wanting to be with you as well.
I think today's worldhas made us very scared.
The dating world hasbecome extremely toxic.
And because of that, maybe nontoxic people will start, will
also start to behave more toxicbecause it's becoming the norm.
But if you really look under the hood,if you really look deep down inside,
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Even the people that are hurtingthe most, we all want to be loved.
We all want to be together with someone.
We all want to feel that connection.
But all the shit that's happeningaround us, basically, is preventing
us from actually showing up orputting our best foot forward or
actually wanting to make things work.
Let alone the technology and stuff that's,preventing us to, to be more better
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humans and form better connections.
But we also need to be more intentionalabout things and we also need to learn how
to get over our fears as a way to work onourselves and not be distracted or not be
taken back by every single first red flagthat we see in people or believe to see.
And so I think that'sa very important thing.
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Be intentional about what you want,be intentional for what you're looking
for, and don't give up if you reallywant to find someone and be with someone
because there are people out there thatdo want to have long term relationships.
Today's world is fleeting andthat's the feeling that we have.
Time is passing by so fast.
Why should I spend my time with someoneand significantly invest myself into
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someone when I'm not sure that person isgoing to invest in me, vice versa, I get
another job in another city but we canstill be intentional if we really want
something and we want to be with someone,then it's all about intentionality.
When we first start to meet peoplefor the first time I think, dating
even though dating in today's world isseen as a cumbersome process, right?
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You have to go out, you have to gomeet people, you have to put the
effort into it, and with today'stechnology, things have just
become so easily, why should you?
But for those people that actuallywant to put the effort into it, I
think it's very important to alsoidentify what are good behaviors.
What are bad behaviours in terms of makingsure that the person that you're going
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out with is the right person for you.
Now I have my upcoming book calledRed Flags, Green Flags, Modern
Psychology for Everyday Drama.
It's coming out early next yearso I'm super excited to talk
about red flags and green flags.
And one of, one of the areas whereI talk about red flags and green
flags is in the era of dating.
And so how do you identify red flagsand green flags in, when you first
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start to get to know someone, I alwayssay, get to know someone, but also
at the beginning stage, I always say,make sure to, to not only look at
like the positive things about people,but also make sure to be aware of.
Certain behaviors that mightbe an indicator of a potential
red flag in a relationship.
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Now, of course, red flags and greenflags are very subjective, right?
Sometimes we only see green flags inpeople, especially when we're completely
in love or we're infatuated by someone.
And Yeah, sometimes we don't evenwant to see the red flag or sometimes
we've been in bad relationships thateventually we get addicted to the
red flags that also happens a lot.
And there's also times that, we think thatcertain green flags are green flags and,
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but they're actually more red flags orsometimes those red flags show us that.
We are actually the red flag.
Again, there's a lot of subjectivismaround this topic, but I love this
topic because, like I mentioned before,we're losing our capabilities to deal
with human interactions nowadays.
And with things changing so rapidly,how do we, how do we really know
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what is a green flag and a red flag?
So that's why my book is thereto help people to better identify
certain behaviors and to seewhen something is good and or
when something is a warning sign.
So when it comes to modern dating,what are some red flags and
green flags and modern dating?
Now when you get to know someoneand you really like them.
You can easily fall into the trap of justseeing them with this kind of rosy color,
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you've got these glasses on, everythingabout them is just fantastic, they make
you feel good, emotionally man they'rejust amazing, they smell good, they feel
good, everything about them is so greatand so you eventually just really like
them and you want to get to know themmore or better, but because you, Like them
so much this kind of positive emojis andpositive emotions or feelings can cloud
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you and cloud your judgment of you knowof Potential red flags and their behavior.
So what are some of the red flags thatyou should watch out for in relationships?
One of the common things that I heara lot about In my interaction with
a lot of people is love bombing.
So once they've given you all thisattention and affection what happens is
that love bombers often then pull back.
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They become very cold, very distant,and then you start to question yourself.
What did I do?
Did I do anything wrong?
And how can I get their attention back?
I really love the feelingthat they've given to me.
And then you go out of your way to,to make them feel good, or you might
respond in a different way sayinglook, I, I don't know what I did wrong.
So you start to question yourself.
And then it just starts a cycle.
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So eventually what happens is thatafter a couple of days or weeks,
they might come back to you.
And then show you the same affection thatthey did or they might have apologised
for the fact that they did that toyou or treated you in such a bad way.
Only then to again, to fall back into thattrap again of becoming extremely distant.
And the whole purpose of this is forlove bombers to, to have more control
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over you and to coerce your behaviour.
Now, why do love bombers do what they do?
Love bombing has often beenassociated with narcissism.
Low self esteem and alsoinsecure attachment styles.
Now if we look why narcissists often lovebomb their partners we have to go back
into their upbringing and their childhood.
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Basically, when, often why narcissistsbecome the way they are is because
they've, they've been highly neglectedas kids or They've not had that
attention that they should havegotten in their childhood years.
And as they grow up they try to findways of how to get that affirmation,
to get that recognition to feelconnected and not feel abandoned.
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And so it develops into thisunconscious way of approaching people,
of showering them with all kinds ofaffection and attention as a way.
To build that connection very strongly.
So again, narcissists don'tdo that always consciously.
Often it's an unconscious programmingin their minds that just comes out of a
survival mechanism or a coping mechanism.
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But what happens eventually over timeis that this, when the narcissist
kind of gets infatuated by you andidolizes you, that image that they
have in their heads eventually cracks.
So the unfortunate truth is thatVery often narcissists don't
really fall in love with you.
They actually fall in love with this, thisimage they have in their heads of you,
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which is completely perfect in their eyes.
But eventually that image can'tsustain itself and then you do
something or something happens inthe dating process or even in your
relationship that shatters that image.
Now just imagine when something'sshattered and you try to put like for
example a mirror together that's beenbroken You can never get it back to its
original state So you don't value thatmirror as much anymore and that's exactly
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what narcissists do When that image ofyou has been shattered they start to
devalue you because they don't see thatyou have that same Value that you did
before, that image is not there anymore.
They, you don't feed their ego anymoreas much as you did in the past.
And in that perspective it's hardto then try to win them back.
And what a lot of people do inrelationships with narcissists especially
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after being love bombed, Is they tryto win them back, and they try to
apologize, And they try to see ways ofhow they can revive the relationship.
And that doesn't work, because in thenarcissist's perspective, Basically, they
don't really value you at all anymore.
And by doing that, they don't,they even value you even less.
So the more you effort you put intotrying to save your relationship,
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the more the narcissist devalues you.
Because basically, he or shehas lost interest in you.
You don't feed their own personalinterest or their ego anymore.
And the more that you try tobe, helpful and considerate and
empathetic, the less they actuallysee you as someone, someone value.
And so then the final phase inthat kind of romantic relationship
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with the narcissist after beinglove bombed and eventually also
devalued, is being discarded.
Basically, they will let you go,they'll replace you with someone
else, or if, again, if this happenedpurely in the dating process they
might just ghost you and let you goand never come back to you, and even
tell you about why they're leaving.
I'm not saying that all narcissistsghost, or that all people that ghost
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are narcissists, but it is a verytypical reaction that you could expect.
And I think that's, Sothat's a red flag, right?
So the red flag here in this case iswatch out for how people treat you
in the beginning and, when thingsfeel too good to be true or your
friends say it's too good to be truethen maybe you should watch out.
So that's red flag number one.
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Another red flag that you should bewatching out for, because remember in
the dating process when you like someonePeople are trying to put their best
selves forward, they're trying to, let'sbe honest, like you want to show your
best to the other person, you're reallyconscious about what you say and how you
behave, so Again, before I give you thesecond red flag I want to say that watch
out for the subtle behaviors, right?
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Because the subtle behaviors are thethings that people don't have control of.
The subtle behaviors happenespecially in unexpected situations
or in stressful situations.
That's when people's true intentions,the true behaviors can come up.
And when you pay attention tothose subtle behaviors, you
can actually pick up on more.
Interesting cues about howpeople actually are and how they
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behave in certain situations.
Red flag number two is, watch outfor how, what they say to you.
And, for example, do they say thingsto you like, God, you are definitely
much more smarter than you look.
Now, that could soundlike a compliment, right?
You sound smarter than you look.
That must be a compliment.
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But if you think carefully aboutwhat they're trying to say here,
is that you don't look thatsmart, but you actually are smart.
And that kind of devaluation,not devaluation, but that
kind of, I'm putting you down.
By saying that I'm actually puttingyou down and creating insecurities
inside of you, which can be doneeither Consciously or unconsciously.
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And so being aware of thatis extremely important of
picking up on those subtleties.
Another subtlety that you haveto watch out for is when I call
this the special girl syndrome.
This is just a terminologythat I've come up with.
It could be the special boy syndrome.
But putting it back into theknowledge of special girl when a
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guy comes up to you and says I'venever met a girl like you before.
Or...
You're the only person that reallyunderstands me, giving you that feeling
that you are really the special person.
Now, look, don't get me wrong.
You can to that person be a veryspecial person, but you should, it
should be something that is based onyour experiences with that person.
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You should have been on multiple dates.
You should have gotten to know thatperson for such a long time for that
person to actually to be able to say that.
And you also feel that is true.
However, with someone who love bumsyou and they say, I love you after the
second date and you're so special andI've never met anyone like you before.
That's when you should watch out.
Watch out because you know thatit's not based on any true facts
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because how can they base thaton any good evaluation of you?
And it's just a way to win you overfaster than you should be won over.
So those are some things thatyou should watch out for.
And also be more mindful of that.
If you've been in some bad relationshipsand you're really missing the affection of
another person or by nature, you're justslightly more insecure about yourself.
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Then these kind of words of affirmationand positivity and making you feel
special can actually make you feel amazingand you could fall for it very easily.
So it's not only about.
Paying attention to it, but alsobeing paying attention to yourself
and what these words do to you Andwhy are they impacting you so much?
I think that's also another very importantthing to reflect on when you hear things
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being said to you Especially when you'regetting to know someone in the beginning
stages of dating the third red flagand this is a more sinister red flag,
I would say, is when someone says toyou, just imagine us being together,
getting married and having kids or,sipping cocktails and bawling next week.
And I call this isfalse future projection.
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And false future projections are creatingthese kind of future viewpoints of you
and the other person imagining what itwould be like to be together, just to
create a positive feeling or creatingfake goals for you to maybe work more
towards with this person or to makeyou more excited to be with them.
And again, this third red flag isoften done very intentionally just
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to win you over again very quickly.
And again, if it's only to beintimate, they could try to get
you into bed and to say that.
But sometimes you could also be.
That they want something more from you.
It could be money, it could be power,it could be connections and getting
closer to you and creating these fakeenvironment, fake future projections
and you falling for that is a verymanipulative and malevolent approach to
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actually building a connection with youbecause they're not really wanting to you.
to be with you, but more theywant to get something out of you.
I think two more come to mind right now.
Two more red flags that I think I'd liketo share with you of what to watch out
for when you first get to know someone iswhen they say to you, when you're having
a conversation, because a lot of peoplelove to talk about their exes, right?
When they're, we're first meetingsomeone new, you're going on a date
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and oh yeah, let's talk about our exes.
And when they eventually say oh, myexes are crazy, that is a red flag.
I'll tell you if you hear that Run.
Run as fast as you can.
Because why?
That says first of all thatthe person doesn't take any
responsibility for what they do.
They just blame everyoneelse and not themselves.
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And the moment that anyone says that they,all their exes are crazy and they're never
to blame, you know that is not a person.
that you want to be with for a long time.
So if you like them, go havefun with them, but don't get
connected to them because youknow it's not going to be good.
The better decision here isreally with that red flag is
to run as fast as you can.
And the last red flag that I want to sharewith you in terms of what to pick up on,
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like what to watch out for in terms ofwhat people say is I, I I couldn't help
myself, I'm sorry that I did that, my pastmade me do that and I can't help myself.
So it's deferring responsibilityaway and saying, my past did this and
especially when they come to you andthey try to bond with you through,
some of the trauma that they've gonethrough in the past or bad experiences
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and that's how they connect with you.
And then they use that as an excuselater on in the conversations when you,
with you, when they do something bad andsaying, I, I'm so sorry that I did this.
And, I can't do anything about it becausemy past, really just made me do this.
That is also a definitely a big red flag.
So stay away from I wouldn't say people,but stay away from those situations.
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Those situations should definitely ring abell or, put up a really big red warning
sign and tell you this is not right?
If someone says that.
And this can, this often is not oftensaid early in the, in, in when getting to
know someone, things are often said afteryou've been with someone for a while.
And what, probably after you've gonethrough some dating and now you're
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getting into, A relationship ormaybe into a situation ship where you
don't really know what's happening.
And when those things are said, I'll tellyou, it's better to figure things out
early on and try to find out what worksfor you and what doesn't work for you.
And picking up on these red flags earlyon definitely will prevent a lot of
headache and heartache down the road.
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Now, let's also talk aboutsome of the green flags.
I think green flags are really importantto also acknowledge because, what are
the things that we want to watch out forthat actually are indicators of someone
being a suitable partner, someone beingable to stand by us in difficult times
and not just, want to go to bed withus, but also wants to spend a life with
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us and who's capable of doing that.
First and foremost, Iwant to mention that.
As I mentioned in the beginning, is thatwe fall in love with people and it's so
easy to look at the good sides, right?
When we get to know someone and we reallylike someone, we're just evaluating
them, then what else is great about them?
But when we fall in love withpeople or we really like someone...
Remember that having a relationshipwith someone is not just about
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It's also about the bad thingsthat they have inside of them, or
their weaknesses, or their learningpoints, or their developmental areas.
Remember when you have a relationshipwith someone, you're actually also
accepting that side of them as well,besides the good sides that they have.
You're also there to help themto evolve and grow from the
responses that they receive.
Maybe are not that supportive ornot that evolved as they should be.
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So being together with someoneis bringing in your good sides
as well as your areas of growth.
And being safe and feeling safeenough and providing that space.
And being willing enough to help the otherperson to grow and vice versa of course.
So green flags are really important forthis as well, because those green flags
are indicators of how well you can dealwith the other person in the long term.
(28:22):
So think of things like empathy,your ability to listen to other
people your ability to workthrough difficult situations
your ability to resolve conflict.
These are all very importantaspects that we want to look for.
But so how do we...
How do we pick up on them and how peoplebehave and treat us and communicate to us?
One of the first things is, canwe pick up on supportive behavior?
(28:43):
Can you know, does someone say to youwhen you've, you're going through the
ruts of things or having a bad time,Hey there dear, or Hey there love.
Can, is there somethingthat I can do for you?
I can see that you're goingthrough a hard patch right now.
Is there anything that I cando to help you right now?
Or is there anything that I can.
Take over from you so that youcan just focus on yourself.
(29:04):
Now, when someone says that,that's a really good indicator,
of course of someone beingmore supportive and empathetic.
Not only their ability to see that you'rein a bad situation, but their ability
to also be willing to support you.
Now, another very importantindicator, or a green flag, I
would say, in relationships, issomeone's ability to listen to you.
Active listening, right?
We often think that listening is justsitting down and listening to the person.
(29:26):
No.
Listen to what's being said, but alsolisten to what's not being said, because
sometimes what's not being said speakslouder than actually what's being said.
And so someone who can show thatability to actively listen to
you is a super strength, right?
And them saying to you, for example,look, what I hear you saying is that
(29:49):
you actually want to spend more timewith me at home and not outside.
Is that correct?
I'm happy to do that.
And for that person to feed, to give thatback to you, where you might be saying
yeah, I don't want to go out there, orI don't want to socialize over here,
shows also a very deep skill to be ableto listen to you in different ways than
(30:10):
just, than what you're actually saying.
Because very often we don't say things asthey really are, we beat around the bush.
Do you have someone next to youthat is able to listen between
the lines or to look betweenthe lines and to listen to you?
Much more deeply.
And I think that's also animportant skill set to have.
That's definitely a green flag.
And one more green flag that I thinkis really important is people's ability
(30:31):
to deal with difficult situations.
By far, that is the number one factorof success in long term relationships.
And so being able to deal with difficultsituations means that When you are faced
with a problem, or a difficult situationat home, or a problem, either a personal
problem or a relational problem, how wellcan you resolve those problems together?
(30:53):
And now naturally we'll have our ownabilities to deal with situations,
and we might not always be happyor satisfied with how someone
else deals with that situation,or even looks at that perspective.
And can you find ways toresolve the problem together?
Can you find ways to understandeach other's perspectives?
And can you find ways to find amutual ground and then you might not
completely accept or really like theother person's way of dealing with
(31:16):
things, but can you be understandingto them and adjust yourself and find a
common ground to then find a solution?
Or can you find the timeto diffuse the emotion?
Come back to them and say, look, letme understand what you're trying to
do, but let me help you also understandhow I saw this problem so that you can
find a mutual ground to move forward.
Now, all of these difficult situations,and there's many more that we can
(31:39):
discuss, but if you're able todeal with difficult situations and.
leverage each other's differencesas a way to find common ground and
resolution together, then I thinkthis is a major green flag that you
definitely want to watch out for.
Especially in today's world when, when wejust run away from difficult situations.
So that's another green flag that Idefinitely want you to consider and
(32:02):
also to look for in people's behaviors.
Again, just reflecting back ontoday's discussion, we've talked
about relationships and, damn it, Ihave so much to say about this, but
I just wanted today, in today's firstepisode, just want to focus on love
relationships and more importantly,why they are important for us.
Again, we're human by nature andwe need to be with other people
(32:23):
and, having someone that we lovein our lives is very important.
Just focusing on ourselves like alot of us are doing nowadays and it's
become a trend is great in terms ofyour own personal development, but we
should not get too scared of wantingto open up and be with other people.
Yes, today's dating scene is super toxic.
I completely agree with that andtechnology and how we think about
(32:45):
relationships and people and how wevalue people has definitely played a
major role in making it harder to findsomeone to actually be with or actually
to date someone for the long term.
Once you actually get into the processof actually wanting to meet someone.
For something more serious, then what arethe things that you need to watch out for?
And, of course, the things that you canwatch out for in your relationships and
(33:06):
once they actually become a relationship,but what are the things that you need to
watch out for in those initial stages?
I really think that thoseinitial stages of getting to know
someone are really important.
So once you put your best foot forwardand you try to find people, it's
really important to pay attentionto details, and paying attention
to red flags and green flags,because we can become so infatuated.
By people and who they are and how theycommunicate with us and love bombing
(33:29):
actually now becoming, so commonsuch a common strategy as a way to
form quick connections very quickly.
But only knowing that is not going tobe lasting down the road and actually
can turn out to be very bad for you,not only for your mental health,
but also for your physical health.
Identifying red flags and greenflags early on is really important.
Pay attention to those thingsthat are not good for you.
(33:50):
Pay attention to the subtleties inpeople's behaviours because we always
try to put our best foot forward.
But also do pay attention tothe green flags and figure out
what are those qualities in anindividual that I appreciate.
But also what are those qualitiesthat actually show that someone can
be a much more of a long term partner.
So in my upcoming shows of coursewe're going to talk much more about
(34:11):
dating and dating behaviours, and ofcourse about toxic behaviours, and
also about strategies that work verywell to make dating more successful.
But we'll also talk more aboutother kinds of human relationships
that we have on a day to day basis.
So think work relationships, think family.
relationships, think friend relationshipsbut also let's talk about marriage
and, more that long term bonding.
(34:32):
So a lot more really interesting stuffto talk about, a lot more red flags and
green flags to share with you and to alsodive into under the hood to talk about the
psychology of those red flags and greenflags and also to become more mindful
when we are potentially a red flag.
So much more to share withyou in the upcoming episodes.
I'm very excited.
I know this is the very firstpodcast that I'm doing right now.
(34:54):
And it's only going to get better.
So please stay tuned and let me know.
So what you would like to hear me talkabout from a psychological perspective,
from a human relationship perspective,and I'll try and come in there and
answer your questions and provide youa much more deeper understanding to
what's happening in our everyday lives.
So thank you for your attention today.
And I look forward to seeingyou back in my next episodes.
Hello everyone and welcome to my newpodcast where we'll be talking about
the psychology of everyday drama.
As our lives are rapidly changing dueto technology, social developments,
and even global uncertainties,we're losing our ability to deal
effectively with everyday situationsand even our human interactions.
Now, In today's first episode ofmy podcast, I want to start talking
(00:37):
about something that I've beentalking a lot about in my reels
and my TikToks and on social media,which is relationships, right?
Love relationships.
I think we all deal with relationshipson a day to day basis at work with our
families, with our friends but also inour romantic settings, relationships are
a very important aspect of our lives.
One thing I've noticed while workingon social media so far is that, people
(01:02):
are looking for love, even though intoday's world, we're so focused on
ourselves and our personal developmentand, trying to make ourselves a better
person, which is all a good thing.
We still deep down inside want to havesomeone that we can be connected to and
spend our time with and feel loved by.
We're human and as humanbeings, we're social by nature.
And that means that we not only want.
(01:24):
And desire to be around peoplethat we care about, but it also
helps us to understand who we are.
It also helps us to understand reality.
Why is it so hard to findromance in today's world?
Why is it so hard to find someonethat really wants to spend more
time with you than just a coupleof hookups or a quick booty call?
Today's world has changedconsiderably compared to where it
(01:47):
was maybe 20 or 30, 40 years ago.
But to be able to answer this question,why it's so hard to find love in
today's world, I think we have togo and look back at how traditional
dating was, if we can give that a name.
Let's talk a little bit moreabout traditional dating.
And in the traditional sense you wouldhave to go out and try and find someone
if you really wanted to meet someone forsomething that was much more long term.
(02:10):
You would dress up, you'd go out withyour friends look your best and hope
that you would find someone attractivewhen you, Go to a bar or maybe to a club
and then also, have a conversation withthem just to get to know them better
if you dare to, of course you'd have toactually go up to someone and, it's just
come up with some kind of cheesy pickupline to see if they would fall for it.
(02:30):
But still, the whole point of it wasthat you had to put in a lot of efforts
to get to know them, and once you didget to know them, eventually you'd
have to go out on dates with them.
to know more about them, so to knowmore about their lives and what they
do, where they work, what excitesthem, but also at the same time, also
what are they fearful of and also toget to know their other sides as well.
(02:51):
For example, if, how do they respondand react when they get upset?
How do they deal withdifficult situations?
And also, what do they want to getout of being together with someone?
In essence, dating was tough in thepast but we also put more effort into
it and we also learned how to dealbetter with each other's differences.
Especially if, in some cultures,for example, dating multiple
(03:12):
people is not accepted.
And staying with one person, thoughyou might not always like that
person, it does teach you how to...
Teaches you more about yourselfand how you can be more resilient
in a relationship and also, how toovercome difficulties in some sense.
And now again, I'm not talkingabout, going through very abusive
relationships and accepting that,and many people unfortunately do.
(03:33):
But I'm talking much more inthe sense of, how it is to...
Put in the effort and really not just giveup on someone when the going gets tough.
So let's actually bring thisto modern relationships.
Now in, in modern relationships or moderndating, let's say, everything has changed.
I think technology has come in.
And change the way that we operatethe way we find partners, the way
(03:56):
we find information about partners,that has, has completely changed.
Now with mobile dating apps, wehave a plethora or a limitless
ocean of options in terms of people.
So there's this thing called easyaccess and with easy access it is the
fact that you can find anyone you wantany time of the day at just a click
(04:16):
of a button or a flick of a button.
And when you do, it's okay,I want to find this person.
I want to have a person with these traits.
You, it's like going to Walmart andchoosing what you want to have for dinner.
That's not the best analogy togive, but you get the idea, right?
Those, you would think that having allthose options available to you would
make you much more happier, right?
If you look at standard economicsand, neoclassical economics would
(04:40):
state, the more options you have,the happier you're going to be.
But what actually the behavioral scienceshows us is that the more options you
have, the more paralyzed you becomeand also the more unhappier you become
with the choices that you've made.
And I think this also really muchapplies to the field of dating.
So when we have so many options available,We might not value the individual as
(05:02):
much as when we have limited options.
So if we think, wait a minute, I canreplace you tomorrow, or I can find
someone else, or I can have multipleoptions then we don't really look
at people as people anymore, butwe actually start to look at them
more as options in that perspective.
When the going gets tough, even,think about it when situations get
very difficult, we then eventually...
(05:22):
You might not want to face thosedifficulties or maybe even, challenge
ourselves with our red flags that weidentify in ourselves and just move away
because it's the easier option to do.
And when you have so many optionsavailable, then that's maybe
the thing that you prefer to do.
than actually working onyourself or working on your
relationship to make that work.
(05:44):
Now, so ease of access is one thingthat I think is, has changed the
way we treat each other full stop.
So there's also ease of use that Ithink is another thing that we need to
become more aware of in modern dating.
So ease of use means, and it linksinto easy access, is that basically if
I can quickly find someone and engagewith you, then why should I put in
(06:06):
the extra effort to get to know you?
Think about this.
Why do we date?
We date basically because wewant to be intimate with people.
And men mostly have a short termmating strategy perspective,
whereas women more often have a longterm mating strategy perspective.
Now I won't go into all of theevolutionary reasons for this,
(06:28):
but just think about that.
If...
Your online environment allows you tohave short term mating strategies, then
it facilitates your needs pretty well.
But if you have more long term matingstrategies, then there's going to
be a mismatch when you try to meetpeople on a dating app for the purpose
of trying to find love or havinga more long standing relationship.
(06:49):
So what the internet does or what datingapps do is they actually make it very
easy for us to have those short termmating strategies and to facilitate that.
And if we know that we don't have to putmuch effort into getting to know people.
And we can just have a quickbooty call or, have fuck buddies.
I don't know if I can say that.
I think I can, right?
Or you're looking for, situationshipsor having multiple partners.
(07:10):
That ease of use makes youbelieve that you can do that
because people are just available.
At the same time, it also givesyou the feeling that you can maybe
treat people differently becausethere are no consequences to how
you behave with other people
and eventually how that would...
impact you later on.
Look in the old days, it soundsso strange that I'm saying that,
but in the traditional dating youwould have your social network
(07:34):
to vet the people that you know.
Often we used to meet people throughoutsocial circles and still today we do that
and in many cultures that still happens.
So there's this kind of like vettingprocess that actually happens where people
are not scrutinized but evaluated upon.
And so you'll have an additionallayer of evaluation besides
(07:54):
your own, however, in the onlinespace, we don't have that, right?
We don't have a five star ratinglike you'd have on booking.
com or some other, consumer websitewhere you can give your feedback and
tell people how great the servicewas or how bad the service was.
But with dating, youjust don't have that yet.
I do think that would be somethingvery interesting for the future.
But that doesn't exist yet, sothere's no real vetting process.
(08:17):
And so anyone can get online.
Anyone who is maybe not in theright mindset to date or shouldn't
date at this stage of their lives,can actually be there, right?
And so that need for being withsomeone for the short term is there,
then eventually you might find peoplethat are not going to be good for
you, or that are completely notinterested in a long term relationship.
(08:37):
And then the other aspect about moderndating today, which I think really doesn't
do well to, finding a more long termpartner, is this perceived distance.
And when we perceive things to be faraway from us such as, for example,
texting people through a WhatsApp chat ortexting to people on Tinder after a match.
You don't feel that theperson is close to you.
(08:58):
Anonymity is there.
You can treat them differently thanyou would do when they're face to face.
Think about it.
When, people slide intoyour DM so easily nowadays.
But when you meet them on the street,they just completely ignore you.
Or they don't have the socialskills to even talk to you.
So this.
The internet and the digital layerin our screens have created some kind
of distance to which we don't feelcomfortable as much as we did in the past
(09:20):
to have conversations with people, toshow up, or even deal with a difficult
situation, we'd just rather walk awaybecause it feels much more easier to do.
So I think that perceived distance alsohas some kind of impact on how people
interact with each other nowadays.
This concept of ghosting has comeup too much around me and I've
(09:41):
seen it with a lot of people.
People just ghost other peoplebecause if you have too many
options you can just let people go.
Basically, why would I even put even anytime into you and show you any respect
that I want to spend time with or eventell you that I just don't like you.
And now we just ghostpeople basically, right?
So ghosting has become a big thingnowadays also because of how the internet
(10:02):
and social media apps are actuallyimpacting the way that we behave.
And so I guess when we take thisall together, modern relationships,
especially romantic relationships are,it's getting harder, it's getting tough.
And I think technology and changing normsabout what we believe about relationships
and the importance that we give tosomeone else and wanting to be with
(10:25):
someone else is, it's completely changing.
In the sense of it's, itisn't what it used to be.
Now, does it mean that we have to becontinuously worried for the future?
Absolutely not.
I think eventually if you considerwhat, if you are intentional about
what you want and what you're lookingfor, then be intentional about
looking for someone who is alsoserious about being in a relationship
(10:46):
or wanting to be with you as well.
I think today's worldhas made us very scared.
The dating world hasbecome extremely toxic.
And because of that, maybe nontoxic people will start, will
also start to behave more toxicbecause it's becoming the norm.
But if you really look under the hood,if you really look deep down inside,
(11:07):
Even the people that are hurtingthe most, we all want to be loved.
We all want to be together with someone.
We all want to feel that connection.
But all the shit that's happeningaround us, basically, is preventing
us from actually showing up orputting our best foot forward or
actually wanting to make things work.
Let alone the technology and stuff that's,preventing us to, to be more better
(11:28):
humans and form better connections.
But we also need to be more intentionalabout things and we also need to learn how
to get over our fears as a way to work onourselves and not be distracted or not be
taken back by every single first red flagthat we see in people or believe to see.
And so I think that'sa very important thing.
(11:49):
Be intentional about what you want,be intentional for what you're looking
for, and don't give up if you reallywant to find someone and be with someone
because there are people out there thatdo want to have long term relationships.
Today's world is fleeting andthat's the feeling that we have.
Time is passing by so fast.
Why should I spend my time with someoneand significantly invest myself into
(12:11):
someone when I'm not sure that person isgoing to invest in me, vice versa, I get
another job in another city but we canstill be intentional if we really want
something and we want to be with someone,then it's all about intentionality.
When we first start to meet peoplefor the first time I think, dating
even though dating in today's world isseen as a cumbersome process, right?
(12:32):
You have to go out, you have to gomeet people, you have to put the
effort into it, and with today'stechnology, things have just
become so easily, why should you?
But for those people that actuallywant to put the effort into it, I
think it's very important to alsoidentify what are good behaviors.
What are bad behaviours in terms of makingsure that the person that you're going
(12:52):
out with is the right person for you.
Now I have my upcoming book calledRed Flags, Green Flags, Modern
Psychology for Everyday Drama.
It's coming out early next yearso I'm super excited to talk
about red flags and green flags.
And one of, one of the areas whereI talk about red flags and green
flags is in the era of dating.
And so how do you identify red flagsand green flags in, when you first
(13:16):
start to get to know someone, I alwayssay, get to know someone, but also
at the beginning stage, I always say,make sure to, to not only look at
like the positive things about people,but also make sure to be aware of.
Certain behaviors that mightbe an indicator of a potential
red flag in a relationship.
(13:36):
Now, of course, red flags and greenflags are very subjective, right?
Sometimes we only see green flags inpeople, especially when we're completely
in love or we're infatuated by someone.
And Yeah, sometimes we don't evenwant to see the red flag or sometimes
we've been in bad relationships thateventually we get addicted to the
red flags that also happens a lot.
And there's also times that, we think thatcertain green flags are green flags and,
(14:00):
but they're actually more red flags orsometimes those red flags show us that.
We are actually the red flag.
Again, there's a lot of subjectivismaround this topic, but I love this
topic because, like I mentioned before,we're losing our capabilities to deal
with human interactions nowadays.
And with things changing so rapidly,how do we, how do we really know
(14:22):
what is a green flag and a red flag?
So that's why my book is thereto help people to better identify
certain behaviors and to seewhen something is good and or
when something is a warning sign.
So when it comes to modern dating,what are some red flags and
green flags and modern dating?
Now when you get to know someoneand you really like them.
You can easily fall into the trap of justseeing them with this kind of rosy color,
(14:46):
you've got these glasses on, everythingabout them is just fantastic, they make
you feel good, emotionally man they'rejust amazing, they smell good, they feel
good, everything about them is so greatand so you eventually just really like
them and you want to get to know themmore or better, but because you, Like them
so much this kind of positive emojis andpositive emotions or feelings can cloud
(15:08):
you and cloud your judgment of you knowof Potential red flags and their behavior.
So what are some of the red flags thatyou should watch out for in relationships?
One of the common things that I heara lot about In my interaction with
a lot of people is love bombing.
So once they've given you all thisattention and affection what happens is
that love bombers often then pull back.
(15:29):
They become very cold, very distant,and then you start to question yourself.
What did I do?
Did I do anything wrong?
And how can I get their attention back?
I really love the feelingthat they've given to me.
And then you go out of your way to,to make them feel good, or you might
respond in a different way sayinglook, I, I don't know what I did wrong.
So you start to question yourself.
And then it just starts a cycle.
(15:51):
So eventually what happens is thatafter a couple of days or weeks,
they might come back to you.
And then show you the same affection thatthey did or they might have apologised
for the fact that they did that toyou or treated you in such a bad way.
Only then to again, to fall back into thattrap again of becoming extremely distant.
And the whole purpose of this is forlove bombers to, to have more control
(16:12):
over you and to coerce your behaviour.
Now, why do love bombers do what they do?
Love bombing has often beenassociated with narcissism.
Low self esteem and alsoinsecure attachment styles.
Now if we look why narcissists often lovebomb their partners we have to go back
into their upbringing and their childhood.
(16:34):
Basically, when, often why narcissistsbecome the way they are is because
they've, they've been highly neglectedas kids or They've not had that
attention that they should havegotten in their childhood years.
And as they grow up they try to findways of how to get that affirmation,
to get that recognition to feelconnected and not feel abandoned.
(16:56):
And so it develops into thisunconscious way of approaching people,
of showering them with all kinds ofaffection and attention as a way.
To build that connection very strongly.
So again, narcissists don'tdo that always consciously.
Often it's an unconscious programmingin their minds that just comes out of a
survival mechanism or a coping mechanism.
(17:17):
But what happens eventually over timeis that this, when the narcissist
kind of gets infatuated by you andidolizes you, that image that they
have in their heads eventually cracks.
So the unfortunate truth is thatVery often narcissists don't
really fall in love with you.
They actually fall in love with this, thisimage they have in their heads of you,
(17:38):
which is completely perfect in their eyes.
But eventually that image can'tsustain itself and then you do
something or something happens inthe dating process or even in your
relationship that shatters that image.
Now just imagine when something'sshattered and you try to put like for
example a mirror together that's beenbroken You can never get it back to its
original state So you don't value thatmirror as much anymore and that's exactly
(18:03):
what narcissists do When that image ofyou has been shattered they start to
devalue you because they don't see thatyou have that same Value that you did
before, that image is not there anymore.
They, you don't feed their ego anymoreas much as you did in the past.
And in that perspective it's hardto then try to win them back.
And what a lot of people do inrelationships with narcissists especially
(18:26):
after being love bombed, Is they tryto win them back, and they try to
apologize, And they try to see ways ofhow they can revive the relationship.
And that doesn't work, because in thenarcissist's perspective, Basically, they
don't really value you at all anymore.
And by doing that, they don't,they even value you even less.
So the more you effort you put intotrying to save your relationship,
(18:47):
the more the narcissist devalues you.
Because basically, he or shehas lost interest in you.
You don't feed their own personalinterest or their ego anymore.
And the more that you try tobe, helpful and considerate and
empathetic, the less they actuallysee you as someone, someone value.
And so then the final phase inthat kind of romantic relationship
(19:07):
with the narcissist after beinglove bombed and eventually also
devalued, is being discarded.
Basically, they will let you go,they'll replace you with someone
else, or if, again, if this happenedpurely in the dating process they
might just ghost you and let you goand never come back to you, and even
tell you about why they're leaving.
I'm not saying that all narcissistsghost, or that all people that ghost
(19:29):
are narcissists, but it is a verytypical reaction that you could expect.
And I think that's, Sothat's a red flag, right?
So the red flag here in this case iswatch out for how people treat you
in the beginning and, when thingsfeel too good to be true or your
friends say it's too good to be truethen maybe you should watch out.
So that's red flag number one.
(19:51):
Another red flag that you should bewatching out for, because remember in
the dating process when you like someonePeople are trying to put their best
selves forward, they're trying to, let'sbe honest, like you want to show your
best to the other person, you're reallyconscious about what you say and how you
behave, so Again, before I give you thesecond red flag I want to say that watch
out for the subtle behaviors, right?
(20:12):
Because the subtle behaviors are thethings that people don't have control of.
The subtle behaviors happenespecially in unexpected situations
or in stressful situations.
That's when people's true intentions,the true behaviors can come up.
And when you pay attention tothose subtle behaviors, you
can actually pick up on more.
Interesting cues about howpeople actually are and how they
(20:34):
behave in certain situations.
Red flag number two is, watch outfor how, what they say to you.
And, for example, do they say thingsto you like, God, you are definitely
much more smarter than you look.
Now, that could soundlike a compliment, right?
You sound smarter than you look.
That must be a compliment.
(20:54):
But if you think carefully aboutwhat they're trying to say here,
is that you don't look thatsmart, but you actually are smart.
And that kind of devaluation,not devaluation, but that
kind of, I'm putting you down.
By saying that I'm actually puttingyou down and creating insecurities
inside of you, which can be doneeither Consciously or unconsciously.
(21:14):
And so being aware of thatis extremely important of
picking up on those subtleties.
Another subtlety that you haveto watch out for is when I call
this the special girl syndrome.
This is just a terminologythat I've come up with.
It could be the special boy syndrome.
But putting it back into theknowledge of special girl when a
(21:35):
guy comes up to you and says I'venever met a girl like you before.
Or...
You're the only person that reallyunderstands me, giving you that feeling
that you are really the special person.
Now, look, don't get me wrong.
You can to that person be a veryspecial person, but you should, it
should be something that is based onyour experiences with that person.
(21:58):
You should have been on multiple dates.
You should have gotten to know thatperson for such a long time for that
person to actually to be able to say that.
And you also feel that is true.
However, with someone who love bumsyou and they say, I love you after the
second date and you're so special andI've never met anyone like you before.
That's when you should watch out.
Watch out because you know thatit's not based on any true facts
(22:21):
because how can they base thaton any good evaluation of you?
And it's just a way to win you overfaster than you should be won over.
So those are some things thatyou should watch out for.
And also be more mindful of that.
If you've been in some bad relationshipsand you're really missing the affection of
another person or by nature, you're justslightly more insecure about yourself.
(22:43):
Then these kind of words of affirmationand positivity and making you feel
special can actually make you feel amazingand you could fall for it very easily.
So it's not only about.
Paying attention to it, but alsobeing paying attention to yourself
and what these words do to you Andwhy are they impacting you so much?
I think that's also another very importantthing to reflect on when you hear things
(23:07):
being said to you Especially when you'regetting to know someone in the beginning
stages of dating the third red flagand this is a more sinister red flag,
I would say, is when someone says toyou, just imagine us being together,
getting married and having kids or,sipping cocktails and bawling next week.
And I call this isfalse future projection.
(23:29):
And false future projections are creatingthese kind of future viewpoints of you
and the other person imagining what itwould be like to be together, just to
create a positive feeling or creatingfake goals for you to maybe work more
towards with this person or to makeyou more excited to be with them.
And again, this third red flag isoften done very intentionally just
(23:52):
to win you over again very quickly.
And again, if it's only to beintimate, they could try to get
you into bed and to say that.
But sometimes you could also be.
That they want something more from you.
It could be money, it could be power,it could be connections and getting
closer to you and creating these fakeenvironment, fake future projections
and you falling for that is a verymanipulative and malevolent approach to
(24:17):
actually building a connection with youbecause they're not really wanting to you.
to be with you, but more theywant to get something out of you.
I think two more come to mind right now.
Two more red flags that I think I'd liketo share with you of what to watch out
for when you first get to know someone iswhen they say to you, when you're having
a conversation, because a lot of peoplelove to talk about their exes, right?
When they're, we're first meetingsomeone new, you're going on a date
(24:39):
and oh yeah, let's talk about our exes.
And when they eventually say oh, myexes are crazy, that is a red flag.
I'll tell you if you hear that Run.
Run as fast as you can.
Because why?
That says first of all thatthe person doesn't take any
responsibility for what they do.
They just blame everyoneelse and not themselves.
(25:00):
And the moment that anyone says that they,all their exes are crazy and they're never
to blame, you know that is not a person.
that you want to be with for a long time.
So if you like them, go havefun with them, but don't get
connected to them because youknow it's not going to be good.
The better decision here isreally with that red flag is
to run as fast as you can.
And the last red flag that I want to sharewith you in terms of what to pick up on,
(25:25):
like what to watch out for in terms ofwhat people say is I, I I couldn't help
myself, I'm sorry that I did that, my pastmade me do that and I can't help myself.
So it's deferring responsibilityaway and saying, my past did this and
especially when they come to you andthey try to bond with you through,
some of the trauma that they've gonethrough in the past or bad experiences
(25:47):
and that's how they connect with you.
And then they use that as an excuselater on in the conversations when you,
with you, when they do something bad andsaying, I, I'm so sorry that I did this.
And, I can't do anything about it becausemy past, really just made me do this.
That is also a definitely a big red flag.
So stay away from I wouldn't say people,but stay away from those situations.
(26:10):
Those situations should definitely ring abell or, put up a really big red warning
sign and tell you this is not right?
If someone says that.
And this can, this often is not oftensaid early in the, in, in when getting to
know someone, things are often said afteryou've been with someone for a while.
And what, probably after you've gonethrough some dating and now you're
(26:30):
getting into, A relationship ormaybe into a situation ship where you
don't really know what's happening.
And when those things are said, I'll tellyou, it's better to figure things out
early on and try to find out what worksfor you and what doesn't work for you.
And picking up on these red flags earlyon definitely will prevent a lot of
headache and heartache down the road.
(26:52):
Now, let's also talk aboutsome of the green flags.
I think green flags are really importantto also acknowledge because, what are
the things that we want to watch out forthat actually are indicators of someone
being a suitable partner, someone beingable to stand by us in difficult times
and not just, want to go to bed withus, but also wants to spend a life with
(27:13):
us and who's capable of doing that.
First and foremost, Iwant to mention that.
As I mentioned in the beginning, is thatwe fall in love with people and it's so
easy to look at the good sides, right?
When we get to know someone and we reallylike someone, we're just evaluating
them, then what else is great about them?
But when we fall in love withpeople or we really like someone...
Remember that having a relationshipwith someone is not just about
(27:36):
It's also about the bad thingsthat they have inside of them, or
their weaknesses, or their learningpoints, or their developmental areas.
Remember when you have a relationshipwith someone, you're actually also
accepting that side of them as well,besides the good sides that they have.
You're also there to help themto evolve and grow from the
responses that they receive.
Maybe are not that supportive ornot that evolved as they should be.
(27:59):
So being together with someoneis bringing in your good sides
as well as your areas of growth.
And being safe and feeling safeenough and providing that space.
And being willing enough to help the otherperson to grow and vice versa of course.
So green flags are really important forthis as well, because those green flags
are indicators of how well you can dealwith the other person in the long term.
(28:22):
So think of things like empathy,your ability to listen to other
people your ability to workthrough difficult situations
your ability to resolve conflict.
These are all very importantaspects that we want to look for.
But so how do we...
How do we pick up on them and how peoplebehave and treat us and communicate to us?
One of the first things is, canwe pick up on supportive behavior?
(28:43):
Can you know, does someone say to youwhen you've, you're going through the
ruts of things or having a bad time,Hey there dear, or Hey there love.
Can, is there somethingthat I can do for you?
I can see that you're goingthrough a hard patch right now.
Is there anything that I cando to help you right now?
Or is there anything that I can.
Take over from you so that youcan just focus on yourself.
(29:04):
Now, when someone says that,that's a really good indicator,
of course of someone beingmore supportive and empathetic.
Not only their ability to see that you'rein a bad situation, but their ability
to also be willing to support you.
Now, another very importantindicator, or a green flag, I
would say, in relationships, issomeone's ability to listen to you.
Active listening, right?
We often think that listening is justsitting down and listening to the person.
(29:26):
No.
Listen to what's being said, but alsolisten to what's not being said, because
sometimes what's not being said speakslouder than actually what's being said.
And so someone who can show thatability to actively listen to
you is a super strength, right?
And them saying to you, for example,look, what I hear you saying is that
(29:49):
you actually want to spend more timewith me at home and not outside.
Is that correct?
I'm happy to do that.
And for that person to feed, to give thatback to you, where you might be saying
yeah, I don't want to go out there, orI don't want to socialize over here,
shows also a very deep skill to be ableto listen to you in different ways than
(30:10):
just, than what you're actually saying.
Because very often we don't say things asthey really are, we beat around the bush.
Do you have someone next to youthat is able to listen between
the lines or to look betweenthe lines and to listen to you?
Much more deeply.
And I think that's also animportant skill set to have.
That's definitely a green flag.
And one more green flag that I thinkis really important is people's ability
(30:31):
to deal with difficult situations.
By far, that is the number one factorof success in long term relationships.
And so being able to deal with difficultsituations means that When you are faced
with a problem, or a difficult situationat home, or a problem, either a personal
problem or a relational problem, how wellcan you resolve those problems together?
(30:53):
And now naturally we'll have our ownabilities to deal with situations,
and we might not always be happyor satisfied with how someone
else deals with that situation,or even looks at that perspective.
And can you find ways toresolve the problem together?
Can you find ways to understandeach other's perspectives?
And can you find ways to find amutual ground and then you might not
completely accept or really like theother person's way of dealing with
(31:16):
things, but can you be understandingto them and adjust yourself and find a
common ground to then find a solution?
Or can you find the timeto diffuse the emotion?
Come back to them and say, look, letme understand what you're trying to
do, but let me help you also understandhow I saw this problem so that you can
find a mutual ground to move forward.
Now, all of these difficult situations,and there's many more that we can
(31:39):
discuss, but if you're able todeal with difficult situations and.
leverage each other's differencesas a way to find common ground and
resolution together, then I thinkthis is a major green flag that you
definitely want to watch out for.
Especially in today's world when, when wejust run away from difficult situations.
So that's another green flag that Idefinitely want you to consider and
(32:02):
also to look for in people's behaviors.
Again, just reflecting back ontoday's discussion, we've talked
about relationships and, damn it, Ihave so much to say about this, but
I just wanted today, in today's firstepisode, just want to focus on love
relationships and more importantly,why they are important for us.
Again, we're human by nature andwe need to be with other people
(32:23):
and, having someone that we lovein our lives is very important.
Just focusing on ourselves like alot of us are doing nowadays and it's
become a trend is great in terms ofyour own personal development, but we
should not get too scared of wantingto open up and be with other people.
Yes, today's dating scene is super toxic.
I completely agree with that andtechnology and how we think about
(32:45):
relationships and people and how wevalue people has definitely played a
major role in making it harder to findsomeone to actually be with or actually
to date someone for the long term.
Once you actually get into the processof actually wanting to meet someone.
For something more serious, then what arethe things that you need to watch out for?
And, of course, the things that you canwatch out for in your relationships and
(33:06):
once they actually become a relationship,but what are the things that you need to
watch out for in those initial stages?
I really think that thoseinitial stages of getting to know
someone are really important.
So once you put your best foot forwardand you try to find people, it's
really important to pay attentionto details, and paying attention
to red flags and green flags,because we can become so infatuated.
By people and who they are and how theycommunicate with us and love bombing
(33:29):
actually now becoming, so commonsuch a common strategy as a way to
form quick connections very quickly.
But only knowing that is not going tobe lasting down the road and actually
can turn out to be very bad for you,not only for your mental health,
but also for your physical health.
Identifying red flags and greenflags early on is really important.
Pay attention to those thingsthat are not good for you.
(33:50):
Pay attention to the subtleties inpeople's behaviours because we always
try to put our best foot forward.
But also do pay attention tothe green flags and figure out
what are those qualities in anindividual that I appreciate.
But also what are those qualitiesthat actually show that someone can
be a much more of a long term partner.
So in my upcoming shows of coursewe're going to talk much more about
(34:11):
dating and dating behaviours, and ofcourse about toxic behaviours, and
also about strategies that work verywell to make dating more successful.
But we'll also talk more aboutother kinds of human relationships
that we have on a day to day basis.
So think work relationships, think family.
relationships, think friend relationshipsbut also let's talk about marriage
and, more that long term bonding.
(34:32):
So a lot more really interesting stuffto talk about, a lot more red flags and
green flags to share with you and to alsodive into under the hood to talk about the
psychology of those red flags and greenflags and also to become more mindful
when we are potentially a red flag.
So much more to share withyou in the upcoming episodes.
I'm very excited.
I know this is the very firstpodcast that I'm doing right now.
(34:54):
And it's only going to get better.
So please stay tuned and let me know.
So what you would like to hear me talkabout from a psychological perspective,
from a human relationship perspective,and I'll try and come in there and
answer your questions and provide youa much more deeper understanding to
what's happening in our everyday lives.
So thank you for your attention today.
And I look forward to seeingyou back in my next episodes.
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