Episode 4 - To succeed in dating you first need to know who you are

In this episode of 'red flags green flags - modern psychology for everyday drama', I speak with Soumana Ammar about the importance of knowing who you are. Especially in dating, people are more focused on the other person, especially when things go wrong. Having a successful relationship requires a deep understanding of self. Not only in terms of unconscious biases and past traumas, but also how relationship norms and gender roles are changing in a modern world and how you personally evolve to meet these changes (or not). Knowing yourself is key to your personal development and also to your relationship success.

Episode Transcript

(00:14):
Welcome back everyone to a newepisode of Red Flags, Green Flags,
modern psychology for everyday drama.
In this series, uh, we are talking aboutmodern dating and the hardships and
uncertainties many people experience inthe dating world, especially when it comes
to online dating, finding a long termpartner or dealing with toxic behaviors.

(00:35):
Modern dating has becomea maze for many people.
Some even refer to it as a snake pitdue to continuously experiencing bad
experiences or being disappointed byonline encounters in the real world.
Many people have evendecided to give up on dating.
Red flags and dating thereforehas become a hot topic nowadays.
Also because we see so much ofit on social media and popular TV

(00:57):
shows and even in our pop culture.
And because we live in a rapidlychanging and digital world with
countless of options at our disposal,people nowadays are quick to judge
and label something as a red flag.
Buy Bitch Next has become the mindsetin today's dating world, dismissing
anyone when things become even slightlychallenging or even uninteresting.

(01:17):
But if we are so quick to judge others,who says we really know ourselves good
enough to find a suitable partner or toknow when we are actually the red flag?
In today's podcast, I'll be speaking withSumana Amar, a hospitality executive here
in Dubai, and also a life and leadershipcoach who has recently published a book
about self leadership and self discovery.

(01:40):
In our conversation today, we willfocus on how to become more reflective
of yourself in general, but also indating together, uh, we will also answer
some of the questions my followers onsocial media have about dating as well.
So welcome Simona.
Such a pleasure to haveyou here on my show today.
Uh, maybe we can start by tellingthe audience a little bit more
about yourself and what you do.

(02:02):
Of course, it's superexciting to be here today.
Um, well, actually I am a hospitalityexecutive, but I believe in
coaching in anything in life.
I believe everybody needsa coach or a mentor.
So I took time to get coached myself.
And also to be, um, uh, accreditedas a, as a strength coach.

(02:23):
So it's actually the coaching withapplied, uh, positive psychology
where you really focus on your ownstrengths and how you can develop them.
And if you have any areas ofdevelopment, you're able to
work towards that if they'rehindering you, uh, for your future.
Uh, and, uh, this has all come into,uh, play when I asked myself the

(02:43):
question without your job title, whoare you, which is the title of my book
and, uh, my, the question on the book,uh, when I first announced about it.
Before publishing the book,everybody was like, Oh, this
question is addressed to them.
So it's actually addressed to me andto them, because the book was a kind of

(03:04):
a journey of my own self reflection ofwhat do I represent and who I am, who I
am, in addition to the ways that I usedin order for me to get to know myself
more and live more of a purposeful life.
So I believe in perfect.
purposeful possibilities in life, andyou can really unleash your potential.

(03:24):
It's, uh, and you don'thave to be one thing.
You can be labeled as too many things.
And maybe without even any labels,you can decide who you want and
what do you want to do in your life.
Beautiful.
So yeah, this is in a nutshell, a littlebit about who I am and why I worked on, on
the book as part of my own self discovery.
Amazing.
I love how you just, you mentioned likewe don't have to have one label in life.

(03:46):
We can, we could be multiple things.
And sometimes, you know,the label that we, we.
put on our head, especially ourprofessional label can hold us
sometimes back from exploringthe other sides of ourselves.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
And so you, you kind of, your other, sobesides being in hotel executive, you
kind of want to help people and you seeyourself as more of a life coach now.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Absolutely.

(04:06):
I believe this is like my purpose andthen anything that I do or anything that
I kind of act on feeds into wanting peopleto really unleash their, their potential.
So I always believe is like.
Leave anybody better than you foundthem, whether it's a conversation with
somebody, whether it's a coaching session.
Or any interaction that youleave with other people.

(04:27):
It is a ripple effect.
You don't really know how much youcould be helping that person to take
the next decision of their life.
Right.
And that's somethingthat really fuels me in.
Nice.
Um, in the book, I speak about theconcept of us being like a Rubik's cube.
We're as simple and ascomplex as we can be, right?
So everybody is a Rubik's cube of ontheir own and they can continue to

(04:49):
solve that Rubik's cube and continueto be as colorful as they are.
playful as they are in theirlife, to really live the best
life that they aspire to live.
Amazing.
Amazing.
So, so let me ask you this questionthen, um, um, why is it important
to know more about yourself?
You're leading your life.

(05:09):
So if you're, uh, unable toknow more about yourself.
You're basically impacting every singlerelationship that you have around you.
And the first one is with yourself.
Why do you do the things that you do?
What were things that have, uh, happenedin your life that has made you the
person that who you are, uh, as a humanbeing, it's very important that, uh, you

(05:31):
kind of leave a little bit of a legacy.
I'm not saying legacy as in famous,but an impact for those who are
around you, being a leader myself.
in, in the job that I do, it wasvery important to kind of, uh, um,
practice self leadership on myselffirst, before I practice it on others.
So before you lead others,lead yourself first.

(05:52):
Absolutely.
So for me, it is self leadershipis kind of an intuitive way of
having more self awareness and withmore self awareness, you're able
to basically lead other people.
Right.
So that's kind of theformula that I believe in.
Great.
Yeah.
I mean, I mean, helping othersis just, you know, we can always.
think about ourselves and becomingfamous or getting richer and whatnot.

(06:13):
Um, but once we reach that stage in ourlives, it's interesting, I also had a
conversation today with someone whereI kind of asked like, what drives you?
Like you're a professional, you're,you're a high performing individual.
Um, you know, what, what drives younow to want to start giving back?
And this is like, I've reached this phasein my life that it's not about me anymore.
It's about the other person.

(06:35):
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
Hey, so I have a question foryou in terms of self discovery
because you talk about this, youprovide people tools in your book.
What have you discovered about yourself?
Maybe as you were writing thisbook or throughout life, but maybe
share with us a little bit whatyou've discovered about yourself.
You know, that, um, that, you know, nowhas come like an awareness point for you.

(07:00):
Absolutely.
Oh, so many things.
Actually, my book was kind of atransformational cycle in my life.
And, uh, Although the book was a result ofme going through a coaching with a coach
myself, so I was able to identify what aremy personal values, what are the beliefs

(07:20):
that I have really carried throughoutthe years that hinder me from wanting to
be, uh, or achieve things that I, I want.
But there are two big highlightsin my book that I speak about.
And one, I call it theauthenticity crisis.
So when people say there is a midlifecrisis or they say that there is kind of

(07:43):
a time where you have an identity crisisfor me, it was definitely an authenticity
crisis because in the book I speak aboutthe fact that if I don't have the job that
I have, which was kind of 90 percent ofmy life, I really do not know who I am.
So that was a kind of a discovery ofwanting to know more about myself.

(08:03):
And the second book isembracing my own vulnerability.
And for me, I grew up in Lebanonand then I moved to Dubai
and I was alone for a while.
And then of course you're, you'retypically trying to carry your life.
Uh, by yourself and of course with otherpeople and however, there is a very big,

(08:25):
um, sense of you need to be resilient.
You need to be strong.
So resilience was the formula of howI really lived my life, but I never
understood what vulnerability means untilI basically started to write the book
and then I stopped writing the book.
at some point.
And I said to myself, uh,who do you think you are?
Uh, why do you want to write this book?

(08:47):
Who will read your book?
All these questions came through.
And, uh, of course I worked withmy, uh, coach and other support
systems that I have in my life.
And I agreed, I made a commitment tomyself that, uh, and I even mentioned it
in the book that I apologize to myselffor not embracing my vulnerability.
And if one person only benefitedfrom a little of the experience

(09:11):
that I shared from the book,that's more than enough for me.
Interesting.
So why did you feel that?
Why did you feel that you needed to stop?
Or was it kind of likean imposter syndrome?
Absolutely.
Yeah, absolutely.
Because you're, uh, I mean, I am a, uh,successful, uh, hospitality executive.
I'm now writing a book.
Uh, I, I have this high achieverkind of also wanting to be as

(09:35):
successful as, as it should be.
So is anything good enough?
Right.
So I was, uh, having all these questionsand lots of saboteurs and self doubt
starts to come out, uh, to say like,uh, Uh, it will not be successful.
Maybe people will not read it.
The subject is not, uh, listen toexactly like all these kinds of things.

(09:57):
So you don't know.
And, uh, you need to really be readyto put your emotions and feelings
and, uh, also a little bit aboutyour life out there because you're
going to get the negative and you'regoing to get the positive, which
is, which is the essence of life.
But, uh, now I feel I have a very,very strong, solid foundation.
And I really refer back to something that,um, I'm a very big fan of Wayne Dyer.

(10:22):
He's somebody who has reallyinfluenced my life through his books.
And when, uh, his wife used to comelike as a joke to tell him, I think
you should have done this in the book.
And he tells her, honey, I'vealready published 10, 000 copies.
I cannot retract them back.
So unless you are, it's out there.
So unless If there is somebody who hasdone it or written a book, I really

(10:43):
have no energy to really listen toanything that doesn't really support
the mission that I am on in this life.
Yeah, no, it's really interestingthat you say that because what
you're saying is vulnerability maybein the initial stages feels like.
if I show up, I'm weak.
Um, if I, if I, you know, whatwill happen when people listen to

(11:03):
me and how would they critique me?
And so there's kind of the selflimiting beliefs we have about it.
But what you're saying in essenceis it's also like a paradigm
shift that you move away thinkingthat vulnerability is a weakness.
And actually, we know once we really deepdive into ourselves, that vulnerability
is actually a strength once we're able tocommunicate who we truly are, who is this

(11:27):
self person and who's this authentic selfthat I'm now allowing to come out, right?
Yes.
It's more of a strength.
Absolutely.
And now I embrace myvulnerability to the maximum.
Amazing.
I ask.
Uh, help if I needed to, I kind ofembraced more of, uh, of, um, yeah, more
of who I am and also accepting that thereare, um, you will always work in progress.

(11:49):
And the moment that we are workingprogress, I'm more aligned with the
energy of, of being vulnerable andalso seeking inner help from myself,
whether it's through meditation orreflecting or journaling or any of
the tools that could help you in thismodern world, because we tend to.
to be very reactive, but not reallylike, uh, introspecting inside.
Right.
And I think that's nicely said.

(12:10):
I mean, the world's changingso rapidly right now.
It's, I mean, we've had the pandemic,I mean, digital transformation,
um, you know, um, there's so muchhappening around us, um, and then
organizations are changing, butfrom a behavioral perspective.
Um, a lot of behaviors, we'reseeing a new, a lot of new kind of
behavioral phenomenon now in the world.

(12:30):
And, and, and that's why I love talkingabout this because I, I don't only want
to reflect on what we kind of believeabout the past, but more importantly, what
can we see happening in today's world?
And how can we put a lens to thatto give an explanation because when
things are changing so rapidly, as youmentioned, we, we get caught in this
rat race, we get caught in this kind oflike we're running, running, running.

(12:53):
And when we run, we don't havetime to sit down and reflect.
And you know, that deep reflectionis getting replaced by just making.
Yeah.
And having tools like AI tools and,and social media, um, you know, just to
quickly find an answer, which I thinkis good in one way because we have to,
but in the other way, we also lose ourability to be more self reflective and

(13:16):
to have a better understanding why, youknow, why we do what we do, or are we
really seeing what we're really seeing?
So this brings me into a question.
Um, let's talk about dating, becausetoday's series is about dating.
Of course.
Um, and so, so when it comes to dating,um, and, and like I mentioned already in
the introduction is that, you know, peopleare so easy to say, that's a red flag, you

(13:38):
know, Oh, red flag, you know, stay away.
And, and, and not everyone, but alot of people like they will kind
of run away or go someone at theview of a very first red flag.
And, and so coming back to this abilityto be more self reflective and, um,
you know, and, and why we don't do it,but what, what would you say, you know,

(14:00):
what, what's one of the reasons fromyour perspective that you think that
people are not being as self reflectiveand is, you know, is it always a red
flag what we see in other people?
What would you say about that?
I mean, this is really a very goodquestion and quite quite a deep question
in the sense of self reflection.
And how do we view others in in terms ofwhen you see a red flag in somebody else?

(14:25):
There are times where that redflag is a reflection of you.
So it could be something that youhaven't probably healed in yourself
first, uh, that you have seen in theother person and you want to run away
from it because it triggered somethingin you that still needs a little bit
of healing or a little bit of work.
It's not always the case.
There might be definitelyred flags out there.
There's good people andthe bad people, I think.

(14:47):
At the beginning, it's very importantto identify your own personal values and
what are those values uncompromisable.
Like there, there is a set of values,your own personal core values that might
differ between, I mean, I'm not talkingabout the human common integrity, kindness
and All this other kind of things.
There are some other corevalues that are quite important.

(15:07):
So for example, for me,freedom is in my top 10 values.
So it's quite important because notthat I just want to be like free,
but it's just about respecting theboundaries of the other person, but
with being very close and intimate.
And, uh, it could be misunderstood as ifyou're really dealing with another person,

(15:28):
who's quite a, uh, We call them like awounded masculine because masculinity
is, is there with that with the otherperson, but not yet kind of a healed,
healed masculine who's controlling orinsecure and want to do that control
like this for me is a big red flag.
I would say it's a big red flag,but if it could be somebody who
is kind of, I am ready to be in arelationship, but a hundred percent

(15:51):
ready, but not a hundred percent ready.
I'm going to always attract thiskind of red of avoidant people.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That are going to come into mylife because I am also avoidant.
Yes, I want and I don't want.
And in this modern world, we're soaccustomed to a kind of system in place
in our life that we are actually, uh,do not want to really mess up that

(16:12):
balance that we currently reach to.
So if Balance in which?
What kind of balance?
So you have your own balanced life.
You go out, wake up in the morning.
You know that.
This is your work.
This is your kind ofstructure in your life.
So you have your friends.
This is what you do on a Thursday.
This is what you do on a Monday.
A new person comes into your life and thenthey try to kind of mess it up or their

(16:33):
kind of system of how they communicateto you is a little bit different.
Yeah.
And then at the firstencounter of being unavailable.
Maybe your excitement level goes down.
Ah, red flag.
He was not available.
So it's just because we're just do notwant to rush into something that could
mess up our structure or our system.
So we don't give it a second chanceor we don't seek to understand.

(16:55):
We as human beings neverseek to understand.
We just judge.
either not to mess up our structureor because we're afraid to see
if there's somebody that is fromthe other person reflecting in
us and we don't want to go there.
Nobody wants to really deal withtheir own self and their own
limiting beliefs or things thathave caused them to be who they are.

(17:17):
Insecurities, we all have them, right?
So we, and we don't want to be vulnerable.
So the easiest thing to dois I don't want any headache.
Uh, no, that's the red flag.
I don't want to do itor I'll be confronted.
Basically what you're saying islike being, you don't want to be
confronted maybe with yourself.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
And then the other thing that I hearyou saying is like, well, I have this

(17:39):
structure around my life and you know,I will meet people then and then.
So in a sense it's like you want to havea sense of control over your life, right?
So sense of control of your life.
And, and so the moment that someonecomes and changes that, it means
like you're losing Absolutely.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
You're losing yourself or something mighthurt your overall feeling of control.

(17:59):
Do you feel, and I just wantedto elaborate on that, um, just
a question more about that.
Do you feel then from your perspectivethat, um, that's more today, that
we need to have more of a senseof control over our overall life?
Or is that being somethingthat's always been with us?
I personally believe it's always been.
It's kind of got amplified as we movemore when, uh, when as ladies, we kind

(18:22):
of have more sense of independence.
We moved into kind of wantingto, to be like many, many, many
years ago, the women have notbeen like working like we are now.
So I believe it's probably startedto come with the modern world,
but it's always been there.
There has been so manypeople like I know from.
For example, growing up as a child,you would hear somebody like she's

(18:44):
not happy with that relationship,but she has to say, uh, because
there is no other alternative, right?
But at the moment, because there's otheralternatives and there is this kind
of sense of independence, there is nomore kind, there is no more tolerance.
Yes.
And that's the right word.
Like you do not tolerate or, andI'm not saying compromise, but just
like give, give and take to reallyunderstand where this is leading.

(19:07):
I mean, if it's a big red flag that isagainst your personal values, absolutely.
But if it is seeking to understandand genuinely wanting to be in a
relationship because defining whata relationship is, it's also big.
Do you want a true relationship?
Do you want acquaintances?
Do you want somebody to justlike, um, uh, spend time with it?

(19:28):
It has to really havelike kind of a definition.
And also you need to knowwhat you want from that.
Absolutely.
And the sense of commitmenthas become very low.
From women and from men.
And like for me, one big redflag is somebody who's not,
I'm not saying marry tomorrow.
Right.
But I'm saying when you'rein a relationship, you're
in a committed relationship.

(19:49):
Regardless of what you really call it.
So you're giving it your all and theother person is giving it their all.
But that's interesting though.
And I actually have an interestingquestion that came from one
of my followers that relatesto what you were just saying.
But it's interesting because, Howwe look at the world influence our
perception, really influences whatwe, what we see and what we want.
And so you're saying like, well, Iwant, I want something committed and I

(20:11):
want to be with someone more longterm.
But today's world isshifting in that perspective.
You know, this kind of, you know,we see in organizations like there's
an end to loyalty in companies,both from the organization side,
as well as from the employee side.
But that's also what we're now seeingin human relationships, you know.
I call it the 50 shades of gray.
You know, there, there aresituationships nowadays that people

(20:33):
find themselves and that they don'tknow, am I really in a relationship?
Why haven't we defined this?
Um, there are just kind of likefriends with benefits, right?
You just, you just, yeah.
And so there's these different formsof relationships and everyone is now
looking at through their own lens.
And maybe that's a very interestingpoint because We tend to think, maybe
have these traditional thoughts about,maybe that's a gender difference.

(20:56):
Um, that we're saying, well,maybe it isn't, but we're saying
like, okay, what do I really want?
What is a relationship?
How do I define what a relationship is?
And what's very interesting,I've spoken to a couple of people
and I asked this question, howdo you define a relationship?
And, you know, I'll ask someone intheir 40s or their 50s, well, you know,
I've got 30, 40 years, 50 years to go.

(21:18):
I would like to have someonethat I can be committed with.
Um, you know, I want someone tokind of give my all and maybe have
kids or just, just be with someone.
Whereas when you ask someone at 21, andI've asked this question multiple times,
like, how do you define a relationship?
Now again, this isn't generalizedfor everyone, but, but then they
say like, Oh, I would like to have,Oh, I just want a relationship
because I want to have something.

(21:39):
I just need to get further in life.
Uh, or I just see a relationshipas, well, something that's fleeting.
You know, it's, I'm here now,tomorrow I'm going to be there.
So it's just something that, you know,I know a lot of my own generation
accepts as it's nothing stable.
So it's this kind of definitionwe give to what a relationship
is and what we expect from it.
And maybe because of these differences,especially because we have different

(22:01):
generations with different beliefsystems and different needs, Um,
that people are not having, they'renot coming together on the same
definition of what a relationship is.
Yeah.
And they don't have to.
Yeah.
I don't believe that they have to.
So based on your own value system andwhat you want in your life, you could
be very happy with the situation ship.

(22:21):
And that's what really like helpsyou at that cycle of your life.
And that's not wrong.
And you could be like somebody whowants to be in a relationship and wants
to be in a committed relationship.
And that's what's going to like, I mean,you will need to be in, in, you need to
be in a, in a relationship, situation,shape, whatever, like the title of
it or with somebody that is going tobe adding more value to your life.

(22:43):
Right.
If it's not going to be adding more valueto your life or it's not going to be
like pushing you also towards where youwant to move next, why, uh, why bother?
And if it's just like you reallydon't care and you just like
want to be in it, be in it.
There is no judgment about thetype of relationship that you
can be, at least from my opinion.
There is no judgment.

(23:03):
If it works for you, it works for you.
It does not work for the other person.
It does not work.
So people are different.
Yeah.
But it goes back to those labels again.
Absolutely.
It goes back to your, to thoselabels and what you really want.
Right.
And I want to really reiterateon something that you said.
Yeah.
The effect of situation ship.
Am I in a situation ship?
Yes or no.
Yeah.
It's because people arenot confrontational when it

(23:26):
comes to the relationship.
And then, um, you don't really ask You'renot saying, Okay, what do we want next?
But you can say, What are we like?
What?
What is this right there needs to be?
I mean, and this goes to thelevel of defining it, right?
Yeah, without kind of saying,uh, committing to something for
the future, at least committingto something that is present.

(23:48):
That is no And alsoidentifying what works for you.
What do you really want?
Because you're sharing like so much ofyour life with that person and you're
unpeeling so many layers of yourselfthat you really want to identify
what this means to avoid any broken,damaged hearts afterwards, right?
This is one, one point.
And another point, it goes backalso again to your self identity

(24:12):
and what really matters for you.
Because as far, uh, you might be affectedand the other person might be affected.
You might be in a situation ship thatworks for you where I've had friends who
were very comfortable in the situationship, but the partner wants to committed
relationship, but they don't want.
Yeah.
And vice versa.
So we have to.
And that's the risk, right?
That's the risk with situationshipsbecause, you know, feelings evolve

(24:34):
and it, it's not like, I wish, Iwish it was easy, like, Oh, let's
all fall in love at the same time.
No, it doesn't happen, right?
Of course.
Of course.
And then, so how do you deal with that?
And I, and, and just jumpingon what you were saying about.
Um, the situations, because often,you know, also on social media,
I'm also to blame, you know, Italk about social issues in that
way in my TikToks and reels.

(24:54):
But you know, if you dive into theliterature, you know what, and I'm
writing this book on red flags as well.
And while diving into literatureand listening to people's
experiences, situationshipscan also, like you were saying.
Serve a purpose, right?
It can actually be a good thing.
And so it doesn't have to be a bad thingbecause not everyone has to say, okay,
let's be in a relationship right now, ormaybe we just, we just came out of one and

(25:16):
I just don't want to define it just yet.
Or I just wanted, I want, I don'twant to be too vulnerable with you.
And I like what we have and I'm verybusy and let's see how it evolves.
But what you're saying is like,eventually, like someone might.
Develop more emotions and feelingsfor another person, but therefore
maybe feel scared to talk about it.
Correct.
Yeah.
And this is where communication is key.
Yeah.
Uh, I mean, if you have anyrelationship with anybody like a working

(25:40):
relationship, a, uh, a friendship,right in friendship, you talk.
So it's the basis of, of communicationand open communication about, uh, your
expectations from life and what doyou really want makes it a little bit.
Um, like you make it easier.
And there is another aspect of like,people do not want to be alone.

(26:01):
Yeah.
So if you're not really comfortable inbeing like for a certain period of time,
alone with your own self, with your ownbeliefs, with your own thoughts, with
things that really like you want toreally pursue in life, it also serves.
to the fact that you just want to bewith somebody and there is someone
just to be with someone, right?
Exactly.

(26:21):
So there is a lot of this broken kind ofrelationships that people are together.
You see them and they'reprobably not, not there.
And there are those other relationshipsthat you see, Oh my God, this is
like my ideal partners, a style ofrelationship they feed from each other.
They support each other.
Yeah.
I cannot really, um, when somebody says,uh, at least that's my belief system.

(26:41):
When they say I found my otherhalf, it just like triggers me.
Yeah.
Because you're one and you finda one and you're one plus one,
you cannot be another half.
You cannot be a quarter of a person.
You're a full, uh, human being whohas needs, who has qualities, who
has something to serve to the worldand the feminine, at least from my

(27:02):
side, like, uh, where the nurturingpart where the encouraging part where
somebody who we open up as we reallyfeel a very huge sense of safety.
Right.
So there is a lot of aspects, uh, aspectsto that, but that requires communication.
Absolutely.
Yeah, absolutely.
Let's go to one of thequestions from my followers.
Um, which I hope is not very hard.
Your followers are so many.

(27:24):
No, she, she's, she posesa really valid question.
I thought this was the right timeto kind of bring this in here
because it's more kind of like, whydo we have relationships, right?
Or that can also happenwhen we're in a situation.
What do I want from a relationshipor what does it mean to be in one?
And so she poses a question, I'll read itout to what she wrote, what she wrote me.
So this is from my followercalled Dottie Dots.

(27:46):
What a nice name.
Dottie Dots.
Dottie Dots.
Dottie Dots.
Hi Dottie Dots.
Hi Dottie Dots.
Um, thank you for your question.
And she says, how do I find out whatI truly want from a relationship?
I have been taught.
to be the good girl and thereforeI have specific expectations
about being in a relationship.
So what I should do and what,what the other person should do
for me and how I should behave.

(28:07):
But when I am in a relationship,my partners just take what
they want and they leave.
And so now I've also come to realize thatI also have demands in a relationship.
Wow, that's very powerful.
Very powerful.
But now she says, but I don't know what.
So, uh, I, what I can see here with dottydot is that there is no self realization

(28:30):
of her own self as, as a person.
So there is no clarity.
She kind of knows what she needs.
That's very, very important.
It's the first step.
Her question is actually thefirst step of going through a self
journey, self reflection journey.
Right.
Right.
So, uh, getting, uh, more.
aware about what are her own personalvalues in life is going to be a step

(28:56):
that she needs to take identifying hertrigger points and what are her saboteurs
limiting beliefs or disempoweringbeliefs that might have also been put.
into her from the other relationships,the good, the good, also the good girl.
Yes.
Yes.
Like what defines a good,good girl and what you behave.
I mean, you can have this wild natureand wanting to really explore life.

(29:19):
And there is no definitionof good or, or, or bad.
So there, she needs to have clarityon that, this empowering belief or
the belief that somebody else toldher that she needs to be a good girl.
And she believed it.
Yeah.
So also kind of reflectingback on that and what does she
want to relabel herself as?
Yeah.
Yeah.
And that, you know, and let's, let'sbe honest, changing people's own belief

(29:43):
systems is difficult because it's like,it's like the, the, the, the mental
models, you know, the schemers that wehave in our head that help us to, to, to
look at the world and interpret the world.
And especially when those schemers.
Have been instilled inus True from childhood.
Mm-hmm.
It's something that is, first of all,we need to be, like you were saying,
we need to become more aware of it.
And that's why thatintrospection is so important.

(30:04):
Absolutely.
Um, but it, it's probablysomething very difficult to change.
Correct.
Or even change it all.
But we can change that if we are ahundred percent what you're saying.
Right.
And you're, that's what you talk about inyour book when we're intentional about it.
Absolutely.
Because yeah.
First of all, imagine you're walkingand you really don't realize that
there is something you have to change.
But she actually tooktime to ask that question.

(30:25):
So she knows deep inside thatthere is something that she
really needs to figure out.
So this is one.
Second thing, there is probablya lot of stuff that might have
come up from the relationshipof people abandoning her, right?
So there is an abandonment factorof, of people coming in and then
leaving and coming in and leaving.
Yeah.
So there is this.
cycle that she's been accustomed to,that she doesn't know any other exactly.

(30:48):
So there is a level of leveling upherself to kind of get to know herself
more and be open and more recipientto what is going to come into her life
because anything that will come now, she'sgoing to be actually blocking herself.
Yeah.
The reason why she will blockingherself because she's going to be
thinking that it's going to continuethe same way and people will leave.

(31:08):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Because it becomes like, yeah,it becomes like a reinforcing
negative, vicious cycle, right?
Absolutely.
So that awareness is quite importantfor her to know that not everybody
would leave, but I need to bethat person with those demands.
Right.
How can I break the cycle?
Correct.
So, so that, that, you know,that reminds me of, of two reels

(31:28):
that I posted in the last year.
Uh, one of them is, uh, Um, Doctor, doI, one of the questions I received in the
past, Doctor, why do I attract bad men?
And the answer that I gave to that is, youdon't attract bad men, you accept them.
Correct.
Yeah, that's very powerful.
And, and I would love to hearyour perspective also on that one.

(31:50):
And the second one, which is a bitchallenging, this one, because, you
know, it's like, Um, why, and again,that was another perspective of like,
why, why am I attracted to bad men?
That's another way of looking at it.
And, and, and I, and one of the answersthat I give there is that because of
the good girl kind of imprint that alot of, uh, women have, you know, women
feel attracted to, um, to, to bad menor to, no, I don't want to say bad men.

(32:14):
That's a wrong way of saying it, but tokind of like the, the bad boys, let's
call it the bad boys because they release.
You from being the good girl.
And I'd love to hear yourperspective on both of those things.
Yeah.
That's very, very powerful.
I like the fact that you say I accept it.
I would actually, anything thatyou really want to accept in
life needs to have a definition.
So what is, what does,what defines a bad man?

(32:36):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Or a bad boy.
Yeah.
Or a bad boy.
Like what defines them?
Are they just like careless?
Yeah.
Do they just, uh, do what?
Yes.
Naughty.
Do they want to do whateverthey, uh, they really believe
that they want to do in life.
And that, so there is a, probablyan a sense of freedom that we really
like plugging into like kind of,um, Not wanting to reflect in us

(32:57):
that we see in the other person andwe kind of find it very freeing.
So it could be like this,this type of reflection.
This could be one option.
Accepting is absolutely like you acceptanything in, in, uh, in your life.
And there must be a little bitof work that needs to be done
internally about, um, everybodyhas this good side and bad side.

(33:18):
There is a way there is a.
places where you can really beintimate and bad or intimate and good.
It's up to you.
Right.
So there are people who just don't careabout it and there are others who care
and also reflective, uh, reflection thatI would think of about, um, accepting or
wanting to be, uh, with bad men is yes.

(33:40):
The idea of being the good girl.
So there's somebody who's morebossy kind of wounded because
we ourselves are wounded.
Yeah.
So being the wounded feminine, Yeah.
That we haven't really identified kindof a grounding presence for ourselves
is a reflection of wanting to be withanother, uh, kind of wounded person.

(34:00):
So there is a lot of work that needsto be done from where are these
wounds that we currently have in us.
And maybe that's also a nice wayof thinking about it in terms of,
you know, when we, when we lookat the outside and we say, okay.
I'll, I'll accept the bad boy, youknow, or from a girl's perspective,
I'll accept the bad girl, you know, the,um, and, and, and maybe that's also a
perspective of how we look at ourselves.

(34:22):
How do we really value ourselves?
And maybe we, we don't have high selfesteem or we're highly critical of
life experiences or just kind of goingthrough bad relationships saying,
look, I don't deserve anything better.
And there's that self worth.
That, you know, can be impactedso negatively from our upbringing
to our experiences in life tobad, really past relationships.

(34:46):
And then we kind of look at the worldand say, why, you know, I know I'm a
good person and, but why do I attractpeople that I think, um, that I know
are bad for me, but I allow them in.
Why do I accept them?
And then that self esteem then eventuallyis a major issue in that perspective.
Yeah, absolutely.

(35:06):
Self worth and self esteem play avery important role because we tell
ourselves, I don't deserve better.
Right.
And maybe we haven't seen anyother example around us growing up.
Maybe there has been relationshipsthat has been kind of common to
be in that, in that same cycle.
So we probably carry it.
We could have seen it in ourparents and our aunts and uncles.

(35:26):
We've have seen that abandonment.
We don't really, we don't, webelieve that we don't deserve.
So getting more awareness about ourselvesand how much we deserve, like this
is why it's quite very powerful andself compassion is kind of the, in my
opinion, the most healing power thatwe can have to really heal anything

(35:46):
that has been going on in our life.
Could you give it, could yougive it, I think that's very
interesting what you said.
So the self compassion part, so let'ssay for example that You know, we
find ourselves listeners listeningin right now watching us think, Hey,
I recognize myself in that, right?
I allow people to come into my lifethat I know are not good for me.
And, and, you know, if I'm really honestabout stuff, it's really about my self

(36:07):
esteem and how I look at it myself.
Tell me a little bit moreabout self compassion.
How, how can the audience work with thatso that they can Improve themselves.
Yes.
Absolutely.
It goes back to your firstquestion that you said, why do
we judge others first, right?
So the way that we judge others,we judge ourselves, right?
So there are so many times, so there areso many times where you make a mistake.

(36:33):
mistake.
And then you keep on beatingyourself up every single day
about it, like days and nights.
And then I allowed it.
And why did I allow it?
And we dwell into that drama of, of ourlife without, um, being compassionate.
And I always said, I always sayto, to other people, what if
it would be your best friend?
What would you be telling that person?

(36:53):
Today, if your best friend hasgone through that, what advice
you would be giving them?
And you would be surprised ifwe really look at ourselves
as our best friend, right?
And how do we really tell the, the kindof perspective for our best friend?
We're just not our own.
person's best friend, likeour best friend for us.
So, um, Allah reflectingback on, yeah, this happened.

(37:17):
Uh, I don't, I mean, you do nothave to beat yourself up, up to it.
Seeing the cycle of the thingsthat are currently happening
and befriend yourself first.
I mean, you have your own selfto carry throughout your life.
That's the only permanent thing thatyou will carry until your last breath.
So this whole self compassion partis reflected through self love.

(37:39):
A lot of work can be done.
I really work a lot on affirmationsbecause having this high achiever kind
of, uh, this thing in my life, themoment I absorbed, I mean, accepted
my vulnerability, I really needed towork a lot on self love affirmations.
You, I mean, it is assimple as I am enough.

(37:59):
And I do not need to be anything more.
So that kind of affirmative self belief,working a little bit on, um, certain
probably meditations, these kinds oflittle things, speaking to a friend about
it, speaking to a, uh, a professionalabout it, and then working on reflecting
a lot on why do I not value myselfand how can I be my own best friend?

(38:24):
I want to ask you areally personal question.
Sure.
Sure.
Sure.
When you, when you explain that,like, and you, and it sounds like
you've gone through that journey.
Yes, absolutely.
Yeah.
Today, do you look at yourselfand you say, I'm enough?
I'm more than enough.
Oh, wow.
High, let's high five on that one.
Yes.
Yes.
People can't see that on the podcast,but they can see it on the video.
Yes.
Amazing.
I love that.

(38:44):
And tell me why.
Tell me why.
Um, I, I, I've gone throughthrough this journey.
Absolutely.
Especially the self compassionpart was quite tough.
Uh, especially when I stopped, um,writing for a bit and I was talking to
one professional and then I said, I knowthese things I should have, I should
have, I should have, I've had like alot of like a list of, I should, right.

(39:07):
And why do I say I should,because I hold myself.
So much responsibilityand so much expectation.
So it's the expectations that Iwas putting on myself that were
actually working against me.
So quick question.
So these expectations were you did themor were these expectations something
that were imposed from the outside?
Of course they wereimposed from the outside.

(39:28):
Okay.
I've always been somebodywho whenever I do something,
it's really like really good.
Yeah.
So I've always been like,Oh, you're the best in this.
You're the best in that.
And I just want to be like the normalperson who does things just for the sake.
Of course I like to, to do, I liketo give everything it's all right.
But there was always like, I should,I should, I should then someone

(39:48):
would be able to do this or do that.
And you know, like, yeah.
So then, um, That your tolerance levelis probably higher than other people.
Exactly.
So I needed, I worked a lot onshifting my I should to I could.
And then the moment I waslike, Oh, okay, I could.
And what would I beadvising my best friend?
I just, it's, it just transformed me.

(40:10):
It made me feel more like, yeah, I mean,you're doing great, like, uh, just give
yourself some credit, uh, about it.
And uh, yeah.
So now I don't have, Ishouldn't do anything.
I could do anything.
So I took, I, I kind of.
Um, took back my power.
Right.
And, and that, that, and again, youknow, when, when I, when I dive into

(40:30):
conversations with clients and peopleover the many years, fundamentally it is a
mind shift change that changes everything.
Absolutely.
It's like, do we look at, do weframe something as negative or do
we frame something as positive?
Do we frame something as Ishould, or do we reframe something
as I could or can, or I will?

(40:52):
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
Oh, yes.
Right.
And so in that framing, often we, youknow, when we look at problems, we
look at problems from the individualperspective or situations, but
we have to go back to the mind.
We need to go back and why am Ilooking at it from this perspective?
Do not believe everythingthat your mind tells you.
You know, and, and when people talkabout mental health and, you know,

(41:12):
and I speak to companies and they'relike, yes, but mental health, but I,
but what is mental health for you?
Like, oh, it is, you know, andthis is just from a company
perspective, it's like, yeah, it'sthe, it's the illness model is a
disease model, but wait a minute.
Mental health can also be aperspective of, you know, um, coping
mechanisms and coping strategies andproductivity and, and resilience.

(41:34):
Absolutely.
Right.
Where, where both you andI heavily focus on, right?
Yes.
I, I believe in the, in the resiliencemodel that we should be focusing
on much more than the hundredpercent than just the disease model.
But it's that, it's that perspectiveof changing that and looking at it
from a new lens, and that changes.
everything, everything.
I have a question for you.
And this kind of is a segue to what,um, and I also have a client, uh,

(41:58):
sorry, a follower actually here thathas a question, but first of all,
you, you spoke about, you know, energyand feminine energy and masculine
energy, and maybe even toxic masculineenergy from that perspective.
But, um, you know, I see you as avery successful, uh, lady and very
successful in multiple, multiplethings that you do in your life.

(42:19):
Uh, you're a high performer, you'rean executive, you're a life coach.
Um, and, and I think it'snot just, um, not just...
the perspective of an individual, Ithink it's a trend in general that more
and more women are choosing for careerand they're choosing for profession
and they're choosing to take the lead.
So we're seeing, and I'm very happyabout that, we're seeing a shift in

(42:41):
gender roles around the world in,in, even in countries where there's
a high masculinity score where, youknow, there's a high power difference
between men and women culturally.
And, and so that's a great change, right?
I think that's a beautiful change.
But at that same time, a lot ofpeople are now challenging the, the

(43:02):
perspective of, Hey, wait a minute.
You know, I, as a, as a successfulwoman, I, I feel that men are getting
less masculine or their, theirenergy is becoming less masculine.
And then my question then is.
Is it because, um, women arenow more empowered than they
were, let's say, 50 years ago?
That, therefore, they see men lessmasculine, or do you believe that

(43:25):
this masculine energy is becomingless because of what's happening in
today's world and social movements?
Um, empowerment for, formultiple diversity elements.
Uh, what's your perspective on that?
Because, and I, I will come up witha question afterwards from one of my
followers, which I thought was veryinteresting, but I'd love just to kind
of start with a very strong believerin energy, and also the energy from a

(43:49):
masculine or, or a feminine perspective.
Uh, we are a mix of both both.
Yeah.
So the week we have the masculine,uh, man and we have the wounded man.
Right.
And the masculine, the, the, the maturemasculine man will be displaying his
more of his masculine energy and,but still have that feminine energy.

(44:10):
Like the mature kind of healed kind ofknows what they want, what he wants,
nurturing side, protective, you know,like this is kind of the embracing
energy for the feminine and vice versa.
The feminine needs to really providethat environment for the masculine,
masculine man, where she's.
playful where she's able to reflecther, her feminine side, the sensual
part and all of this other things.

(44:32):
Now being in certain roles, I alwayssay being an executive and being
successful, there are times where Iactually use my, uh, a little bit of my
masculine energy, but I really alwayslean a lot on my feminine energy.
Because as a leader, I the nurturingside of me and the people side of
me always comes so I can be thestrategic, determined person that

(44:57):
needs to really get things done.
But when you have more awarenessabout those those energies, and you
really you're in a relationship,you go home, you're really like
wanting to have that Right.
Kind of embracing that environmentto have to be with another masculine,
with a masculine man who's giving youthat space to be vulnerable and open.
So it's about awareness ofwhere do you stand with both.

(45:18):
So I don't think it's becauseof women taking more roles.
It's because of both wanting tocopy each other and they shouldn't.
Right.
And women should not really.
You have to spend too muchtime in her masculine energy
because she's a leader, right?
And this is where the mistake happens.
So she spends too much time in themasculine energy because of the

(45:39):
environment requires that from her.
Yeah.
She believes she, shebelieves it requires, right?
Exactly.
So there is a, there is a, like abias that she needs to be that, but
it's not really the truth becauseYou could be also leading with your
feminine energy and you can do that.
So when she, when we amplify our masculineenergy, you don't give space to the other

(46:03):
man to display his masculine energy.
Right.
And it's often, it's oftenlabeled as toxicity, right?
Or toxic masculine energy.
Absolutely.
So.
We need to give the man a space todisplay his masculinity by also being the
feminine that we want in the relationship.
Right.
And, and vice versa.
So it is, it is a common ground of beinggrounded of really understanding how

(46:24):
do you like play with, uh, with that.
But I am not a strong believer of like menare losing their masculine energy because
of women, uh, uh, just taking over roles.
That's really not true.
I mean, the mother.
Yeah.
In every household.
Right.
Before even people worked.
She was the boss of the house.
Right?
Well, look at many cultures.

(46:44):
It's very interesting to that pointbecause, you know, I used to live in
Japan and in Japan, you know, there'svery high gender differences, right?
There's a patriarchy where the man is thebreadwinner and the wife is the housewife.
In Japan, you officiallyhave, um, an official title.
The housewife is seen as a, as a titleand, and, you know, so, you know, you

(47:09):
also, um, how women are seen withinorganizations as well, they're kind of
placed lower because they're kind of like,even though they're very educated and they
come in into the organization, the men inthe organizational culture does not allow
them to, you know, grow as far becausethis is belief that women are going to
get married and they're going to have kidsand that's going to be their new role.

(47:30):
And so, um, when we look at it fromthe West, we think, wait a minute,
there should be more equalitythere between men and women.
Um, but what people don't see, youknow, the, the behind the scene
is that, and this is, a lot of myJapanese colleagues had exactly
that, um, they were the breadwinner.
And the wife was the housewife,but she controlled the money.

(47:52):
And so she, she, yeah.
So
I had colleagues, Japanesecolleagues, they taught me.
I receive pocket money from myown salary for my wife because
my wife, she manages everything.
So in essence...
I have full respect to the Japanesepeople, I have some friends.
It's interesting, right?
So there are other ways of how itbalances itself out, but from the

(48:13):
perspective of the outer world,they don't always see that, right?
And so it's, it's very, to your point,I just wanted to give that example.
Yeah, absolutely.
Absolutely.
And to your point, I mean, mothersor housewives or, I mean...
housewife, whether you're a familyand you have a family or not, but
like from a mother perspective,you're raising generations.
Like that's the hardest part of, ofreally like bringing the future upbringing

(48:36):
of, of what will become in our future.
That's quite tough.
You really need, I mean, I, I rememberlike my mom would be like super tough
on certain things and quite lenient.
Like you're sick.
Okay.
She's lenient.
But there are other timeswhen it's a no, it's a no.
And that's her masculine at the highest.
But if she's not, uh, for example,affecting, let's say a partner

(48:56):
or whatever, no, I mean, I don'tbelieve that it's because of that.
It's because we believe.
Uh, that we should display more of thatto be able to kind of, uh, be equal.
Right.
Well, I mean, let me jump in thereactually, because I think this is
a, this is an interesting point and,and, uh, also a question that, um,
my follower Lisa Hargrove sent inand, and she's, she, her observation,

(49:21):
her first question was, um, Why menseem to be less masculine nowadays.
And of course, I askedher a follow up question.
Could you elaborate alittle bit more on this?
And she says, well, youknow, I've been disappointed.
So I'm a mother.
I have kids.
I've been disappointed by them.
So I had to take charge and Itook care of taking, you know,

(49:44):
taking charge of the kids.
And I took charge of the household.
So why should I let another man in that,you know, I can do everything myself?
So basically because of her.
Yeah.
I mean, she went from judgingthat to being a morally standout.
And, a

(50:08):
female proportion and, and amale comportance, I don't think
he's going to live up to mystandards, I'm pushing him away.
So that's very interesting.
So basically it's a mother with veryfeminine energy, but because of the
experiences that she's had and she'sbecoming more self reliant, now,
then my question then to you is, hasher experiences now made her more,

(50:31):
put her more in a masculine energy?
And therefore she needs nowsomeone who is even more.
Masculine or show as a man tobe able to, to balance her out.
What would you say about that?
I mean, uh, masculine energyis all about taking control.
Yeah.
When a feminine wants to be with amasculine man, the masculine, the
mature healed masculine energy is also areflection of somebody who takes control.

(50:54):
If she doesn't want to give him thespace to take control, she's already
jumping into her role and into his role.
Right.
So it is about what she wouldexpect from that, that relationship.
So if she only wants somebody whocomes in and takes care of the
household and takes care of the kids.
That's not, that's notthe role of the man only.
There is so many other rolesfor a man that he could bring

(51:17):
into support, emotional support.
I mean, where is that emotionalsupport, physical support, somebody
to listen to the communication.
There's so many other rolesthat the, that's a healed man.
who's very decisive, who can reallypush you, who can really help you with
your dreams and so many other things.
But she's taking it fromone perspective, right?
Of if I don't take care of the household.

(51:38):
So what I would ask her is what has beenthe pictures of a man before, right?
Has like in her life or even in the lifethat she has seen probably growing up.
Yeah.
Was it that the man is only thebird winner and who takes care
of the household and the family?
Yeah.
So if that is the image, the reflectionof that image needs to kind of be shifted.
That has nothing to doonly with masculine energy.

(51:59):
It's how much you allow.
Absolutely.
But what she's actually saying hereis that because of the bad experiences
she's had, she's perhaps she's hadto learn to become more self reliant.
And I think a lot of the peoplethat are listening in today.
is, damn it, you know, I've gonethrough so many bad experiences.
I've now have to become more self reliant.
I need to make my own decisions andI'm not going to budge for anyone.

(52:21):
Like you said, kind of comingback into the structure.
What, what would you say to her interms of how could she, because it
seems like her masculine energy isrelated to, I'm putting up my guard.
Absolutely.
And, and maybe therefore, if you wantto become the person that is equal to
me, you need to be higher than my guard.
And maybe that's, it's not somuch a red flag, but more of a

(52:45):
dynamics of the relationship.
Right.
What could she do maybe to kind ofbring down that guard and maybe allow.
to be more trusting inallowing another person.
Absolutely.
And I mean, reflecting back on allthe relationships that she's gone
into, and they have, uh, probably she,they made her like lose the trust.
Uh, in that one thing I wouldencourage her to do is to reflect on

(53:09):
the qualities of those men that hasreally done those bad things with
her or has really probably walkedaway or whatever her experiences are.
Is there a cycle there?
Well, clearly there is.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So from her side, like we can seeit, but she needs to see it right.
Like from her side, she reallyneeds to see that cycle of, of that.

(53:29):
And does her self reliance means that,um, that It is not wanting to be with
somebody because that self reliance of,uh, uh, that self reliance is a reflection
of putting the guard up, as you havesaid, but at the same time is also I am

(53:51):
doing that and I want you to be more.
It is not about, I want you to be more,it's about, do I want to partner with you?
Right.
Right.
So it's about reframing to your point.
What do I want that man to add to my life?
Right.
Right.
And maybe she doesn't wantany man to add to my life like
she's maybe she's pushing that.
So it sounds like that in a way.
Is she pushing someone away?

(54:12):
Yeah.
And why?
Like there, she needs to askherself that true question.
So the key, the key hereis more self reflection.
Self reflection.
And maybe to your point, what you weresaying before about being more vulnerable.
Hey, I have something veryinteresting to talk about because
we got about 10 minutes left.
So I just want to make surewe cover some more questions.
Um, there is an interesting study thatwas published in 2015 talking about, you

(54:36):
know, what men really want from women.
And especially now more womenare choosing career, having
kids, you know, later in life.
One of the biggest, I think in the UK, the30 plus has now become the biggest segment
that are having kids for the first time.
So clearly things are changing,more women are choosing career
over family or choosing at leastcareer first and then family later.

(54:56):
And what was very interesting in a2015 study, because this study was kind
of done around wanting to understandwhat are men's preferences for women.
And in this study they wanted toinvestigate what do men say that they
want versus what do they really want.
And so, um, this is a study published inthe, um, in the journal for personality
and social, uh, psychology bulletin.

(55:17):
And what they, what they, a lot of mensaid, and, and again, I think they call
this the, the Clooney effect, right?
We want to, we, we want to havewomen that are successful and more
intelligent and we find that attractive.
And that's what men say on paper.
But what the study actually foundis that when they actually, in the
proximity, when they were together,they didn't want to date that because

(55:40):
they actually felt intimidated.
Intimidated and specifically,and this is what the paper says.
So on paper they romanticized, I want tobe with a successful woman and the lawyer
Yeah, the, the, the, thehighly intelligent one.
But when it actually comes down,so, and imagination, it had to do
with proximity if you were far away.
That was great.
But when it was actually like sittingtogether and like, okay, now I feel

(56:03):
intimidated because you know, you, um,make me feel less in that what I value.
And so for a lot of men,they value intelligence or
they value monetary success.
And so when they were confrontedwith that, they'd kind of felt.
Oh, am I losing my masculinity inthis case, or can I still be the

(56:23):
one that, you know, is the one.
Yeah.
So that, that was a veryinteresting perspective.
And again, this is what I loveabout science is that it helps us
to understand what people think theywant versus what they actually want.
True.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So I just wanted to share that interms of the energy perspective.
Absolutely.
This is, this is absolutely true.
More and more of, uh, women who are highlysuccessful looking for that committed

(56:50):
relationship because of that issue.
Exactly, exactly.
Um, so I'm, well no, time's, time'sclosing so I have to, uh, to close up.
I'm going to ask you a couple ofquestions, the final questions and see
if we can get some quick, quick snappyinsights from, um, from, from your book
and also from your life experience.
Um, emotions.

(57:10):
What, what's happeningto emotions nowadays?
People feel, um, as something that Isee a lot also happening in the dating
world, um, people don't feel theywant to invest emotionally anymore.
Quick perspectives on that.
Yeah, because there is quick, uh,like there is like replacement.
There is so many people who don'twant to invest in emotions, right?
They can, this person, it doesn't work.

(57:31):
They go to the other person,they go to the other person.
So this whole, I mean the opennessof social media and other people
being available, they justdo not want to dig into that.
It's just like.
Like the kind of like the firstspace of life has really affected
the first space of our emotions.
Interesting.
So it was like dopamine, the dopaminehits we get from social media.
Maybe it's that kind of, you know,that, that intimacy to get the

(57:53):
right word, intimacy chemistry.
You know what I mean?
Right.
And people want that more than theactual, the emotional availability.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
And then only like, uh, whenyou're kind of working on yourself,
you have more self awareness.
This is where you kind of reflect with,with emotions and you see like you kind
of can figure it out when somebody isnot really like giving, uh, giving more
or less in their emotions and more.

(58:15):
I mean, there is, of course you'reaware like that your language
of love, how do you like to be?
Yes.
Right.
So this is also.
Yeah.
No, mine is a physical touch andthe words of affirmation means I'm
a hundred percent physical touch.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So I have those in my top.
And, uh, like for me, for example, youwant to help me to do something or not?

(58:36):
I don't care.
Like you help me.
Of course you don't help me.
I already do it.
But like, no, I, I prefer to have,uh, that other aspect from, uh,
from a masculine perspective.
Beautiful.
Beautiful.
Okay, I'm just going to do afire round with you on this one.
Coffee or tea?
Uh, tea.
Tea?
Why tea?
Because there's a variety of tea.

(58:57):
There's a variety of coffees as well.
Tea.
Tea, good.
Sipping cocktails on the beachin Bali or trekking through
the mountains of Machu Picchu?
Oh, both.
Oh my God.
Like both.
I have both sides of me.
I have the adventurous side and thenI have that like, don't talk to me.
I'm like out of this world.

(59:17):
So I actually vote for both.
Both of both.
Um, hopeless romance or single forever?
I hopeful romance.
I am a hopeful romantic.
Hopeful romantic, okay.
Online dating or meetingsomeone at the supermarket.

(59:38):
Meeting someone as the supermarket.
I am so, um, Jane Austenstyle kind of, of person.
Yeah.
What, why, why meetingsomeone at the supermarket?
Uh, I, I mean, I, I believe in energy.
Uh, I, my coach pushed me todo some, uh, some, some online,
uh, it didn't work for me.
I was getting anxious.
I didn't enjoy it.
I didn't feel a connection.

(59:59):
Right.
It didn't really like I did it fora short period of time, but no, like
meeting somebody so this randomness, thiswhole thing, it goes into the energy.
I could really feed from,from the people, uh, energy.
Yeah.
Yeah, no, I love that.
And, you know, I speak to a lot of peopleabout, and I asked them that question
and a lot of people now, especially alot of my female clients and followers

(01:00:20):
are saying exactly that, is, you know,meeting someone at the supermarket, but
isn't it becoming so difficult to theserendipity that we used to have before?
Yes, You know, even people nowadays,they don't even look at you and
speak to you, even in the lift.
Whereas before, I remember when I grewup, it was like the elevator pitch.
What was that one minute thing youwere going to say in the elevator?
You say hi to people and they go like.
Uh, on their phones like in my book, Ihave a chapter that is called serendipity.

(01:00:45):
And for the followers, it means findingsomething good without looking for it.
Right.
So I am a strong believer of thatbeautiful, beautiful, um, black
heels, uh, high heels or flip flops.
Uh, uh, both choose one.
I have to choose one.
Yeah.
Then black heels.

(01:01:05):
Black heels.
Why black heels?
You can take them off.
Or flip flops.
You could take off as well.
Yeah.
But like you could have both.
Okay.
Yeah.
Um, and then I guess my final question,the power of me or the power of
we, Oh, of course the power of we.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I am so much into, I mean, I am part ofa lot of communities around the world.

(01:01:29):
I, I, I feed fromcommunities, from people.
Um, I have my own time.
I have my own self reflection.
I need that, but I really like feedon, on learning from other people
and spending time with other people.
Yeah.
Amazing.
Look, we, we, I had like my, I wantto close up with what, you know, you
already mentioned red flags cause I wantto close up the session with, give me.

(01:01:52):
Two red flags in dating and alsobecause we didn't talk about that.
What are two green flags for you?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Of course.
Let's start with the red flags.
We get them out of the way.
Um, for me, red flags is, issomebody who isn't in to commit.
And when I say commit, I'm notsaying marriage or something.
It's just like giving your timeand your all to the relationship.

(01:02:14):
This is a very big red flag.
And something that people donot notice is gaslighting.
So for me, this is a verybig, big, um, red flag.
It's manipulative.
It's.
It's, uh, it's trying to makethe other piece and the person.
So this is a lack of self reflection.
So it's a very big red flag and agreen flag is, of course, all the

(01:02:34):
values and qualities that are kindness.
I see a green flag with somebodywho really like wants to
take the, uh, take the lead.
Yeah.
In, in, in the relationship, liketrying to bring it to the next
level, take the lead in stuff thatcan be done with the relationship.
That's very attractive.
I find it.
And actually it's a green flag and,um, somebody who's really kind to

(01:02:57):
their family, you know, so the waythat they are brought up, if they're
kind with their mothers, with theirsisters, with, with their friends, they
really like a giving nurturing time.
This means they're going to bringin that to the relationship.
These are very, uh, two big red flags forme, kindness, being nice to the waiter.
Yeah.
You know, these kinds of little things.
Those subtle.

(01:03:17):
This is subtle.
Yes.
That's so beautiful.
It really is those subtle behaviorsbecause when people, especially when
you date for the first time or you'rehaving a couple of dates or getting
to know someone, people always wantto put their best foot forward.
Right.
And so picking, just watching thosesubtle signs of behaviors can I
always say are the most tellingsigns, always the subtle ones.

(01:03:38):
Now, of course, people listeningright now think, Oh, how can I play
around with the subtle behaviors?
But we don't have control ofall of our behaviors, right?
And then they'll show up.
And when we see them, we haveto kind of take note of them.
And that's where we can maybesometimes better look at the
red flags or the green ones.
Um, one question for our male listeners.

(01:03:59):
You talked about, I like it,I like a lot when, you know,
when the man takes the lead.
Yes.
And.
You're very successful.
You're, you know, um, and you are aleader and like we, like we saw in the
studies, the studies like men say, noteveryone, but a lot of men do say like
I romanticize to be with a successful,intelligent woman, but in the end when

(01:04:20):
they're sitting face to face, they don't.
So what, what would you say to menin terms of, you know, in terms of.
How, how, how best for them to dealwith successful professional women
and to, cause that is becoming thenorm nowadays that more women again,
choosing for their careers and notjust only to, to be the housewife.

(01:04:41):
What, what would you say from yourperspective is something that they should
do or could do, um, in terms of takingthat lead, maybe when the energy that.
You and other successful womensend out might be making them feel
very vulnerable or, or insecure.
What would you say to them?
I mean, vulnerability for a man isalso not something that is bad because

(01:05:03):
you grow together in the relationship.
It's a strength.
So for both sides, I would reallyencourage, first of all, it's quite
important whether it's a man or a woman.
Yeah.
to really have that level of selfawareness as you move forward.
So you're really aware of whatyou want and what are your
triggers and everything else.
And then the other thing is that at theend of the day, whether you're a leader,
a female leader or not, you're in therelationship to kind of enjoy it and be

(01:05:27):
that playful kind of feminine part of it.
So I would really encourageto give that space.
to that.
So to give that space where youreally have those boundaries,
but also look at that quality ofbeing successful in admiration.
You know, like you're that person you'rechoosing, if you end up marrying them,
they're going to be raising your children.

(01:05:49):
Yeah.
Right.
Yeah.
So do you want them tobe raised by broken?
Somebody who's not aware, who's notsomebody who really wants to really get,
give them the best education or like beinglike the right role model or vice versa.
So if you look at it from thatperspective, it's kind of a
completely different shift, butgive that space where you can.
allow her to also like flourish and bethat like feminine, uh, woman that she is.

(01:06:14):
And I mean, I'm actually, uh, howcan I say celebrate her for the
success that she is and vice versa.
Yeah.
It's not a competition.
It's a partnership.
Yeah.
So if you look at it from thatperspective, so many things shift.
Right.
Yeah.
Right.
Excellent.
Thank you, Simona, for being here andsharing your knowledge and perspective

(01:06:35):
and having a really authenticconversation today about, about
dating, about, you know, how, how dowe deal with ourselves and specifically
in today's show was more about.
Um, reflecting on selfthan judging others.
And then when we look at ourselvesfirst, then we're going to be more
informed about what we really seeis really there or where do we have
what you say, our wounds or our ownvulnerabilities and how they affect our

(01:06:58):
judgment and what we can do about it.
Thank you so much.
You're welcome.
It was quite interesting.
I loved it.
I loved it.
Same here.
Thank you so much.
Thanks.
And good luck with the book.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.