April 16, 2024 • 30 mins
This one is for all my "fixers" out there :) Anybody with high standards for themselves (AKA all of you beautiful people) likely has high standards for the people in their life, too. That's why it can be so frustrating when we think the people around us are slacking.
A lesson I've learned the hard way: you cannot fix or change people. They have to want that for themselves. In this episode we discuss why being a fixer is actually toxic and how you can inspire people to be better instead :)
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Episode Transcript
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(00:07):
What's up, you guys.
Welcome back to thewrestling with life podcast.
If we haven't met before, myname is M led, and I appreciate
you tuning in for an episode.
Wrestling with life is all aboutgetting out of our heads together, baby.
The people who listen to this podcastare super ambitious and just want to
be the best versions of themselves.
(00:28):
And if that sounds like you stick aroundand join the wrestling squad, we have
episodes every single Monday and Tuesday.
Sometimes we have guests on, sometimesit's just me talking, but either way we
share some really incredible life lessonsand vulnerable insights so that we can
get out of our heads together, baby.
Today's a really good topic if you areone of those ambitious people, because
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I think a lot of us can relate to havingreally high standards and goals for
ourselves and being disappointed whenthe people around us in our life don't
hold themselves to the same standards.
And that has been the story ofmy fricking life in the past.
I have had so much frustrationbecause I see potential in other
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people, and I'm like, why are younot being all that you could be?
And I just want the people thatI love to, to grow and evolve
and be the best that they can be.
But a really hard truth that Ihave learned in my life is that you
cannot fix or change other people.
You can't, you can't force otherpeople to be anything but what they
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already are, and that is such atough pill to swallow, especially
when you see people's potential.
Right?
So we are going to talk todayabout why this is such a struggle.
What it feels like when you kind of havethis fixer mentality, why it's actually
such a toxic thing and not a good way tolive your life, how you can inspire people
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to change rather than trying to manipulatethem or force them to change some things
that you should stop doing as a fixer.
And some ways that you can just learn tobe an inspirational Friend, daughter, son,
sister, brother, whatever relationshipyou have with the person that you always
think, Oh, I just wish they would do this.
(02:18):
I just wish they would do that.
Here's some inspo that you can,again, I'm not telling you what to do.
I'm inspiring you what to do.
You can decide, uh, what Pick andchoose what you want to take from
this episode and apply it to yourown life and your own situation.
So let's kick it off with a quotethat I really feel like wraps
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up what I'm about to tell you.
You can't change the people around you,but you can change the people around you.
You're probably like I'mlike, what did you just say?
That literally makes no sense.
You can't change how people are,like their personalities, the
choices that they make, the way thatthey choose to live their lives.
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But you can change the people around youas in you can change who's around you.
You can change who you hang out with.
And I think life is all about picking andchoosing who we surround ourselves with.
And I think it's really important totry to inspire people into change.
But when you realize that that personis not becoming who you need them
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to be for whatever role they play inyour life, then you need to leave.
You need to exit the relationshipor you need to establish boundaries.
Or you need to create some space,or you need to have a more honest
conversation about, Hey, who you are,the, the role that you offer to me in
my life at this time is not working.
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And we need to figure out a solutionor we need to go our separate ways.
I think so often we stay inrelationships because we hold out hope
that people are going to magicallybecome who we need them to be for us.
But the truth is, y'all,that people don't change.
People can improve, for sure,but it always has to be out of
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their own free will and out oftheir own desire to become that.
You know what I mean?
Like, it is our individual responsibility,as individuals, to create any sort
of change that we want in our lives.
People really won't change unless it.
Feels like their idea, unless it comesfrom within them, because otherwise
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it's going to feel like they'redoing something to try to get someone
off their back because someone'sbreathing down their neck and they
feel like they have to appease someone.
So it's not an intrinsic motivationwhere they want to change for themselves
to be better, which is how you sustainlong term change and growth, right?
If you change to appease somebodyelse, it's like a quick fix.
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It's like, okay.
I'm going to make this change because Iwant my mom to stop nagging me or I want
my boyfriend or my girlfriend to stopnagging me and then over time you're
going to slip back into your old patternsbecause that doesn't ultimately in your
eyes at least make you feel better aboutyourself that change you're doing it for
someone else so people are only goingto change when that change Makes them
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feel better about who they are and ifthey don't see anything wrong with the
choices that they're making in theirlife Then why would they change it?
You know what I mean?
I think we're all very guilty of thinkingthat Everybody sees life the same way
that we do and that they want the samethings that we do Like for me, it's so
hard for me to understand the conceptthat not everybody is ambitious and not
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everybody wants to live an amazing life.
Like this podcast is specificallyfor ambitious people, which is only
a very small corner of the world.
I think that a very large percentage ofthe population gets really comfortable.
And they don't want to change, andthey're happy to kind of go through the
motions because it doesn't require gettinguncomfortable and pushing themselves
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and changing, you know what I mean?
So, something that I've had to realizethe really hard way and something that
I need you to really consider is thatnot everybody is going to want the
same things as you, and that's okay.
And you can't force other people towant the same things that you want.
It's amazing that you're ambitiousand you have big dreams and goals.
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And the best way that you can inspireothers to want that for themselves
is by living your life that way.
By you getting out there and grabbinglife by the freaking balls every day.
Not harping on your best friend becausethey're not taking the same steps as
you are, and they're not going abouttheir job search in the same way you
are, or they're not, you know, takingadvantage of their free time on the
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weeknights the same way that you are.
And it's so funny if you really stopand think about it, because I have spent
so much time just being so ignorant.
angry and wishing that thepeople in my life would kind
of change their priorities.
Like, Oh, if so and so would onlystart working out every day, or if
so and so would just take control oftheir own life, like then all these
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amazing things could happen for them.
But the truth is like, Idon't really know that.
Do I?
I'm just speculating based offof my own life experiences.
And maybe for that person to getthe outcome that, you know, I want
for them, or I think they want,maybe they have to go about it a
different way than what worked for me.
And so it's really important toremember that we all are our own
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individual people and we all go aboutlife different ways at our own paces.
On our own timelines, and it can bereally frustrating if you get caught
up in thinking that other people haveto do it the same way that you do.
That's why every time I get on thismic, you guys, I try to say to you,
pick and choose from what I'm aboutto tell you and apply it to your own
life in the most relevant ways thatmake sense, that feel right to you,
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because I know that everything thatworks for me might not work for you.
And I'm not interested in telling youhow to live your life or what to do.
I say that on here a lot.
I'm just sharing my own experiencesand what worked for me in the
hopes that it will inspire youto make change in your life.
I have always been a fixer personality.
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And so I would get really firedup when I would see people that I
love making what I thought to bereally dumb choices for their life.
And I'm still like this.
Like I still get it.
really irritated and want to demand thebest from people around me in my life.
And I think you should like, I thinkwhen you really care about people
and you think they're making dumbchoices, I think you should step
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up, but you can't beat a dead horse.
And that's kind of where I'vegone wrong in the past is.
I have stayed a lot longer inrelationships where that person is
not making the change that I thinkthey need to make in order for me
to be happy with them in my life.
And what I didn't realize at the timeis that I was trying to force how I
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believe they should live their lifeonto them, either on a timeline that
wasn't The timeline that they had forthemselves, like I was trying to get
them to, to get somewhere faster thanthey were getting, or it just wasn't
at all what they wanted for themselves.
And it wasn't their truth.
And I was projecting my own realityand how I see things and what
I want out of life onto them.
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And really, what I have learnedis that you just have to
meet people where they're at.
You have to love them where you're at.
And.
The responsibility to quote unquote fixthem or change them does not fall on you.
It does not fall on you.
Again, that has to be an intrinsicallymotivated change that comes from
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within that person in order forit to be a sustainable change.
People won't change until it soundslike it's their idea and they truly
believe in it and want it to happen.
Okay, so something that I thinkwill be fun to illustrate exactly
what this feels like is by usingkind of like a character example.
So I'm gonna make up afake friend in your life.
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We'll call him Tim and we're gonnatalk about Tim's role in your life,
how you maybe want to fix Tim.
The issues that you see in Tim's lifethat you want to fix, and we're going
to talk about what happens when you tryto fix those things and why it's going
to end up poorly for both you and Tim.
And what happens when you try tobe an inspiration to Tim instead.
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Okay.
So Tim's backstory, you guys have beenfriends since you were kids and you've now
grown up into adulthood and you're bothin your career, you're getting started.
You're kind of settled in your career.
You know, you kind of feel like you'rein a more stable place than maybe Tim is.
And Tim's still trying to figurethings out and Tim's going through a
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little bit of a crisis and he's tryingto figure out what he wants to do.
He's feeling a little bit lost andyou see that reflected in his actions.
So Tim has been calling you prettyoften on weeknights after midnight
and he's usually drunk and he'susually at a bar with people
who might not be the best crowd.
And he's calling you tocome give him a ride.
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And this is an often occurrence.
This is happening a lot morethan it did in the past, if ever.
And in Tim's day to day life, he'snot making the best choices either.
He's currently at a job that he's notsuper happy with, but he's not really
doing anything to change the situation.
So he's not applying for jobs.
He's playing video games a lot.
He's not really getting up off his butt.
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But he's not getting other work experienceor networking or doing anything to put
him in a position to change careers.
And then in Tim's love life, you see thathe is kind of distracting himself from
the career debacle by kind of relationshiphopping and bringing home new girls all
the time and going out on dates withpeople that you know probably aren't
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good for him, but he likes the attentionand it makes him feel less alone.
And all in all, Tim is just kind of.
In a phase of his life where thingsaren't going well, and as his best
friend, you can see that the choicesthat he's making are ultimately at his
own expense and his own destruction.
And you don't want to seeTim do this to himself.
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And so you're a good friend, right?
And you want to help Tim do this.
to change.
You don't want him tostay stuck like this.
So if you're a fixer, maybe you startgiving Tim some unsolicited advice.
And maybe every time he starts complainingabout work, you're like, well, duh,
of course you're not happy, Tim.
Like you've been miserable atthis job forever and you haven't
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even done anything to change it.
Maybe if you started actuallyapplying for jobs and you started,
you know, doing X, Y, and Z.
You wouldn't be in this situation anymore.
Here's what you need to do.
Like you need to takecontrol of your own life.
I literally sound likemyself on this podcast.
Oh my God.
I promise you guys, when I rant at you,that I'm just trying to inspire you.
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Maybe I need to be moremindful of how I deliver it.
Um, but I guess if you guys are tuninginto this podcast, I'm giving you
solicited advice that you're looking for.
So, ha, But anyways, you start goinginto advice mode where you are telling
him what he needs to change when Timprobably just came to you to vent.
He didn't come to youto solve his problems.
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It's very different when peopleactually ask you for advice, right?
But if you start givingUnsolicited advice.
You kind of take responsibilityoff of that person to solve their
problem, and you kind of jump intothe driver's seat of their life rather
than encourage them to get into thedriver's seat of their own life.
You know what I mean?
If you start telling them exactlywhat to do without them asking you, or
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if you start taking action for them.
Again, that takes theirresponsibility away.
Maybe you start trying tomanipulate Tim into change.
If you're a fixer, maybeyou start threatening him.
Like if you don't get a higher paying job,I'm not going to be your roommate anymore.
Like I'm going to kickyou out of the apartment.
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Or if you bring another girl backhere, I'm going to kick you out I'm
not going to be your friend anymore.
Or you start like putting conditionson his actions and threatening him.
That is manipulative behavior.
That's trying to threaten someoneinto change rather than inspire them.
And there are probably, you know,more extreme situations where This
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response might be more appropriate.
Again, this is kind of just like anexample, very broad example, but anytime
that you are manipulating someone totry to get them to do something that you
want by by threatening them or coercingthem or doing something that's not out of
purely good intention, that's somethingthat you should really stop doing.
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And that's something that fixers do a lot.
In addition to this, fixers are oftennagging and begging and pleading.
Um, so maybe you are, you know, constantlyon Tim, like riding Tim's butt about, you
know, did you apply for more jobs yet?
Like, have you applied?
Did you tell that girl you're notgoing on that date with her anymore?
And you're being very overbearingand controlling and kind of like
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breathing down Tim's neck about it.
Any sort of like begging or pleadingbehavior like that, that's going, that's
a characteristic of a fixer person.
it doesn't end up makingpeople feel excited to change.
It makes people feel like,holy shit, I need to do this
to get so and so off my back.
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Okay.
So that's everything that youwould do if you're a fixer.
Now, if you are a inspiration, And you'retrying to inspire someone into change.
It's going to look a little bit different.
So instead of giving unsolicited adviceto Tim when he didn't ask, you need to
hold space for him and to understand himin conversation when he comes to you.
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So a lot of times when people arecoming to you about their problems,
it's because they want to feelheard and seen and validated.
A lot of us just have big emotionsthat we want to get off our chest
in relation to our problems.
We don't really want otherpeople to solve them for us.
We know we're capable of makingthe change deep down if we are
in a good place with ourselves.
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So keep that in mind that when peoplecome to you with their problems.
A really good question that youcan ask them pretty straight off
the rip is, do you just want meto listen or do you want advice?
And you can say that before they evensay anything so you know how to respond.
And again, if they are asking youfor advice, it's very different,
but I think a lot of the timepeople just want to feel heard.
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So when Tim is coming to you tovent about his job or whatever girl
he's dating or whatever he's nothappy about, holding space for him.
in that conversation, validatingwhat he's feeling, letting him
know that his feelings make senseto you and that if you were in his
position, you would feel the same way.
It makes him feel human.
It makes it feel him feelnormal for feeling lost He
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doesn't feel nagged that way.
He doesn't feel like you're tryingto jump in and tell him what to do
or to take control of of his life.
You're just simply offering alistening ear, a shoulder to cry on.
And another thing that you can do iskind of ask questions and you don't want
to ask them in a way that necessarilylike leads people to a certain answer,
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but But say that Tim is kind of justlike venting about his job so much,
you can start asking questions like,you know, is there any part of you that
would consider applying to another job?
Have you, you know, have youlooked at other jobs out there?
What's holding you backfrom applying for this job?
Why haven't you applied for that one?
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And again, it's.
Your tone is really important.
Like you don't want tosound condescending.
You don't want to sound accusational,but just kind of simply getting
curious about Tim's situation,asking questions, taking interest.
Sometimes that can help peoplefind the answers that they're
searching for, that they don'tknow how to get to on their own.
So asking questions about the issuethat they're experiencing, the problem.
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That can really inspire people to changebecause as they start reflecting out
loud and talking through things with you,they're probably going to have revelations
where they're like, that's a great point.
I'm led like, why haven't Iapplied for that job or why
haven't I considered this thought?
Like rather than telling them, just askthem these things and that tone or that.
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I guess level of conversation orvibe of conversation can just feel so
different for people because they'renot being instructed or pushed to
do anything and they're simply beingasked, what is it that you want?
What is it that you feel?
What is it that you desire for yourself?
What is it that you, you see yourselfdoing that can be really, really helpful.
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Another thing that you might do is youmight just simply lead your life by
example, you can share with Tim abouthow fulfilled you feel at your job
and how you got there and it doesn'thave to be in like a look at me.
Look how amazing my life is kindof way simply by living the life
that you're proud of and, you know,Acting in a way that you're proud
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of Tim is going to be taking notes.
Anybody who is in a lost season of theirlife is likely looking to people who have
it more figured out for inspiration onhow to get out of their current situation.
So just by you showing up everyday and holding space for Tim
in your conversations, livingthe life that you're proud of.
And kind of taking the advice that youwould give, like, it's really easy to
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give advice to people, but if you don'ttake it, your credibility is kind of shot.
And it's like, why wouldyou give that advice?
If you can't take it?
That's definitely something that I'vestruggled in the past is giving really
good advice, but struggling to take it.
But I've really worked on myself a lot tothe point where I don't give out advice.
I know I can't take anymore.
So, um, You know, living your lifeby your own example, living your
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life the way that you inspire othersto is really, really important.
And that makes a huge difference as well.
So this little Tim exercise,you can really apply this to
any relationship in your life.
Anytime that you are giving unsolicitedadvice and trying to manipulate people
or solve their problems or nag themor expect people to think like you
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and want the same things as you.
It's not going to lead to agood outcome most of the time.
Now, there's definitely momentswhere you are going to need to
give unsolicited advice to afriend who really needs to hear it.
You know, there are times that I'mvery thankful for friends in my life
who say, Emily, you're being an idiot.
What are you doing?
And they give me a littlecome to Jesus moment.
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And I'm very, very thankful for that.
But you have to be very, um, calculated.
And cautious of when you use thatapproach because it's not the best
approach all the time and you have tokeep in mind that everybody's different.
All of your people are different and theirneeds how they want to be spoken to and
treated is all going to be different.
And it's important to tailor yourtone and your delivery and your
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timing of the conversation andwhat you say to match up with.
So now is where we get to the partthat's really difficult, and that's
where we have to find the line, right?
Because it's really important to inspirepeople to change around you, but there
are going to be some people that yousimply cannot inspire and that no matter
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how you live your life, no matter how youhold space for them, no matter how many
times you show up for them, and you tryto help They just can't make the changes
that they need to make in order foryou to be happy with them in your life.
let's talk about some symptoms of whatthat feels like, how you kind of know
if you're getting to your tipping point.
So if you're starting to feelreally drained, And really, really
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frustrated and like your relationshipis one sided with somebody.
This is a really good indicator that youare probably now in a fixer relationship
or a one sided friendship where thatperson is probably not going to make
the changes that you need them to make.
And this is really difficult and it'sreally hard to pull your emotions away
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from that and be like, crap, becausethere's a pretty good chance that you
adore the person that you're, you'vebeen, been investing in, that you guys
have a really great relationship, thatyou have a lot of history, that you've
lived a lot of life together, and itis not easy to close the door on that.
And it's going to vary by situation,you know, how you should approach it
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and what you should do, but there'sprobably going to come a time where
there are certain relationships that youneed to let fizzle in your life unless
you want to continue being drained andfrustrated and like you feel like you're
beating your head off a brick wall.
I have reached this point a lot.
Like I mentioned earlier, I have been afixer a lot I've subconsciously attracted,
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I guess, relationships in which I kindof naturally step into that fixer role.
And I try to bring up people aroundme because I see their potential.
And it's a vicious cycle that I findmyself in just kind of like being
the ambitious person that I am.
And I do want to inspire others.
But because of that, I've had toestablish Boundaries with that.
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And I've had to also recognizewhen I need to walk away from
relationships that are no longerserving me for that exact reason.
And like I said, it is really, really,really freaking hard when you recognize
that you are feeling this way.
That is when you need toreevaluate how you proceed.
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So I guess for me, like this isagain, just my personal two cents.
And like I always say on the pod, it'sgoing to be different for everybody.
For me, when I realized that theperson that is in question is
severely taking away from my piece.
And my mental health that they'renot treating me the way that I
deserve to be treated, that thingsfeel one sided, that my cup no
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longer feels like it's overflowing.
After I spend time withthem, I then really question.
Why I have that relationship in mylife, and this is when I start to
pull away and I really pride myself inbeing a community, a good communicator.
And again, you're goingto have to handle it.
However, makes sense foryou and your situation.
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But I always try to communicatewith people how I'm feeling.
So.
I actually had a friendship that I hadto end last summer, and I won't go into
the details of it because I don't wantto, I never want someone to listen to
this and be like, yeah, that's about me.
And I don't know who listensto this and who doesn't.
So I'm going to keep thedetails of this one private.
But I had to end a friendship last summerbecause the person who I was friends
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with did not make my cup feel full.
And I felt like I was going intofix mode with them a lot, and
they never even asked me to.
It was just the role that I assumedwith them, but I knew that by staying
friends with them, I was going tocontinue being frustrated by their
behavior they were not living theirlife in a way that made sense to me.
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And so I just found myself frustrateda lot and wanting to change them, but
they didn't see anything wrong withthe way they were living their life and
they didn't want to change and they werevery comfortable with who they were.
And I really, I reallydidn't understand them.
I really didn't understandwhat motivated their behavior.
And I probably never will, right?
Because we only see life throughour own very limited lens, but.
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The moral of the story was Iknew I couldn't stay friends with
this person the way that we were,and I knew we needed some space.
And so I simply communicatedthis with this person.
I reached out and I said, Hey, I reallyappreciated the time that we've shared
together, but I am reaching a point inour friendship where I feel drained a lot.
And I don't feel like you bringto this friendship, the things
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that I bring and I'm looking togrow and I'm looking to evolve.
So that means that my time, which is alsomy most precious resource, needs to be
given back to me and taken away from you.
And I need some space for a bit tocontinue assessing how I feel about
our friendship and see if this issomething that I can continue or not.
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And that might sound brutal, it mightsound harsh, but it was the truth.
And I knew that regardless of how thisperson responded, I knew that I handled
the situation the best that I could ashonestly as I could, and as directly
as I could without being brutal.
this person actuallyresponded really well.
They took it really well.
They were understanding.
They were respectful of my boundary.
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They definitely pushed back a littlebit and didn't want the friendship
to be over and definitely reached outlater again and tried to rehash it.
But ultimately, I decided that,you know, that decision was a
good one and I stuck with it andI never reopened that friendship.
And I'm really glad Imade that choice because.
I knew that that wasn't going to bea long term friend in my life anyway.
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And I knew that there were other peoplein my life that brought a lot more to the
table and made me feel a lot better aboutmyself and gave me the kind of things that
I was looking for out of my friendships.
And those were the people that I wantedto dedicate my time and energy to, right?
It's difficult y'all.
It's hard.
It's really hard to havethese kind of conversations.
I'm not underestimating howuncomfortable this can be.
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It's not easy.
It's a skill that you learn over time andthat, you know, you can only learn really
by practicing with one person at a time.
But what it really comes down to is that,The people that you surround yourself with
are who you will become and the more lifethat I live, the more experience that I
get, I'm just realizing how important itis to protect my time, space and energy
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and how I really don't have time forpeople who do not add to my life anymore.
The whole fixer thing I kindof think comes from a weird
place of wanting to control.
And that's something that I've struggleda lot in my life with is control.
And in the end, controllingother people does not feel good.
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I want to empower the people in my lifeto make good decisions and to make the
best possible choices for their life.
But I don't want to forcethem into doing that.
I don't want to controlthem into doing that.
I want them to do thaton their own volition.
There's probably a lot more that Icould say on this and a lot deeper
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of the weeds that we could getinto, but Really guys, I just hope
you know that people don't change.
People really don't change, and ifthey do, it's because they want to.
So if you have someone in your lifewho you are constantly trying to
fix, or you are constantly trying toget them to live their life in a way
that will make you happy, and theywon't, it's because they never will.
(28:48):
Until they make that decision ontheir own, which it's a pretty high
percentage they won't do becausethey're going to see life differently
than you and people are who they are.
But until they make that decision ontheir own, change will not happen.
I have watched myself lose yearsof my life waiting on people to get
their shit together, and they don't.
(29:10):
And it's because I was probablyforcing a timeline on them
that they weren't ready for.
But the moral of the story is that thatchange was never gonna come about by me
pushing them harder, by me nagging themmore, by me signing them up for therapy,
by me forcing my beliefs onto them.
Instead, I fixed the fixer inmyself by no longer fixing.
(29:34):
And I've really allowedpeople to be who they are.
And when people aren't the type ofpeople that I want to be around,
that's when I get up and I walk away.
And It's okay to be sad.
It's okay to be disappointed and hurt andangry when people aren't who you thought
they were, who you thought they couldbe, but also recognize your role in that.
(29:55):
And that a lot of times we putexpectations on people that they can't
meet because they simply are who they are.
I hope that this inspired you tostop trying to fix people, to stop
trying to be the fixer becauseyou can't, you can't force people
to be anything that they're not.
If you enjoyed this episode ofwrestling with life, please leave me a
five star review wherever you listen.
(30:17):
The more reviews we get, themore the podcast will grow.
The more viewership we'll get, themore people we can get on the wrestling
squad, the more guests we can get.
And that means the more time I candedicate to this podcast to bring you guys
really vulnerable, honest conversationsthat help you to get out of your head
(30:37):
and grab life by the freaking balls.
Thanks wrestling fam.
I appreciate you guys have afantastic week over and out.
Bye bye.
What's up, you guys.
Welcome back to thewrestling with life podcast.
If we haven't met before, myname is M led, and I appreciate
you tuning in for an episode.
Wrestling with life is all aboutgetting out of our heads together, baby.
The people who listen to this podcastare super ambitious and just want to
be the best versions of themselves.
(00:28):
And if that sounds like you stick aroundand join the wrestling squad, we have
episodes every single Monday and Tuesday.
Sometimes we have guests on, sometimesit's just me talking, but either way we
share some really incredible life lessonsand vulnerable insights so that we can
get out of our heads together, baby.
Today's a really good topic if you areone of those ambitious people, because
(00:51):
I think a lot of us can relate to havingreally high standards and goals for
ourselves and being disappointed whenthe people around us in our life don't
hold themselves to the same standards.
And that has been the story ofmy fricking life in the past.
I have had so much frustrationbecause I see potential in other
(01:12):
people, and I'm like, why are younot being all that you could be?
And I just want the people thatI love to, to grow and evolve
and be the best that they can be.
But a really hard truth that Ihave learned in my life is that you
cannot fix or change other people.
You can't, you can't force otherpeople to be anything but what they
(01:34):
already are, and that is such atough pill to swallow, especially
when you see people's potential.
Right?
So we are going to talk todayabout why this is such a struggle.
What it feels like when you kind of havethis fixer mentality, why it's actually
such a toxic thing and not a good way tolive your life, how you can inspire people
(01:56):
to change rather than trying to manipulatethem or force them to change some things
that you should stop doing as a fixer.
And some ways that you can just learn tobe an inspirational Friend, daughter, son,
sister, brother, whatever relationshipyou have with the person that you always
think, Oh, I just wish they would do this.
(02:18):
I just wish they would do that.
Here's some inspo that you can,again, I'm not telling you what to do.
I'm inspiring you what to do.
You can decide, uh, what Pick andchoose what you want to take from
this episode and apply it to yourown life and your own situation.
So let's kick it off with a quotethat I really feel like wraps
(02:39):
up what I'm about to tell you.
You can't change the people around you,but you can change the people around you.
You're probably like I'mlike, what did you just say?
That literally makes no sense.
You can't change how people are,like their personalities, the
choices that they make, the way thatthey choose to live their lives.
(02:59):
But you can change the people around youas in you can change who's around you.
You can change who you hang out with.
And I think life is all about picking andchoosing who we surround ourselves with.
And I think it's really important totry to inspire people into change.
But when you realize that that personis not becoming who you need them
(03:20):
to be for whatever role they play inyour life, then you need to leave.
You need to exit the relationshipor you need to establish boundaries.
Or you need to create some space,or you need to have a more honest
conversation about, Hey, who you are,the, the role that you offer to me in
my life at this time is not working.
(03:40):
And we need to figure out a solutionor we need to go our separate ways.
I think so often we stay inrelationships because we hold out hope
that people are going to magicallybecome who we need them to be for us.
But the truth is, y'all,that people don't change.
People can improve, for sure,but it always has to be out of
(04:02):
their own free will and out oftheir own desire to become that.
You know what I mean?
Like, it is our individual responsibility,as individuals, to create any sort
of change that we want in our lives.
People really won't change unless it.
Feels like their idea, unless it comesfrom within them, because otherwise
(04:23):
it's going to feel like they'redoing something to try to get someone
off their back because someone'sbreathing down their neck and they
feel like they have to appease someone.
So it's not an intrinsic motivationwhere they want to change for themselves
to be better, which is how you sustainlong term change and growth, right?
If you change to appease somebodyelse, it's like a quick fix.
(04:45):
It's like, okay.
I'm going to make this change because Iwant my mom to stop nagging me or I want
my boyfriend or my girlfriend to stopnagging me and then over time you're
going to slip back into your old patternsbecause that doesn't ultimately in your
eyes at least make you feel better aboutyourself that change you're doing it for
someone else so people are only goingto change when that change Makes them
(05:07):
feel better about who they are and ifthey don't see anything wrong with the
choices that they're making in theirlife Then why would they change it?
You know what I mean?
I think we're all very guilty of thinkingthat Everybody sees life the same way
that we do and that they want the samethings that we do Like for me, it's so
hard for me to understand the conceptthat not everybody is ambitious and not
(05:31):
everybody wants to live an amazing life.
Like this podcast is specificallyfor ambitious people, which is only
a very small corner of the world.
I think that a very large percentage ofthe population gets really comfortable.
And they don't want to change, andthey're happy to kind of go through the
motions because it doesn't require gettinguncomfortable and pushing themselves
(05:56):
and changing, you know what I mean?
So, something that I've had to realizethe really hard way and something that
I need you to really consider is thatnot everybody is going to want the
same things as you, and that's okay.
And you can't force other people towant the same things that you want.
It's amazing that you're ambitiousand you have big dreams and goals.
(06:17):
And the best way that you can inspireothers to want that for themselves
is by living your life that way.
By you getting out there and grabbinglife by the freaking balls every day.
Not harping on your best friend becausethey're not taking the same steps as
you are, and they're not going abouttheir job search in the same way you
are, or they're not, you know, takingadvantage of their free time on the
(06:40):
weeknights the same way that you are.
And it's so funny if you really stopand think about it, because I have spent
so much time just being so ignorant.
angry and wishing that thepeople in my life would kind
of change their priorities.
Like, Oh, if so and so would onlystart working out every day, or if
so and so would just take control oftheir own life, like then all these
(07:01):
amazing things could happen for them.
But the truth is like, Idon't really know that.
Do I?
I'm just speculating based offof my own life experiences.
And maybe for that person to getthe outcome that, you know, I want
for them, or I think they want,maybe they have to go about it a
different way than what worked for me.
And so it's really important toremember that we all are our own
(07:26):
individual people and we all go aboutlife different ways at our own paces.
On our own timelines, and it can bereally frustrating if you get caught
up in thinking that other people haveto do it the same way that you do.
That's why every time I get on thismic, you guys, I try to say to you,
pick and choose from what I'm aboutto tell you and apply it to your own
life in the most relevant ways thatmake sense, that feel right to you,
(07:50):
because I know that everything thatworks for me might not work for you.
And I'm not interested in telling youhow to live your life or what to do.
I say that on here a lot.
I'm just sharing my own experiencesand what worked for me in the
hopes that it will inspire youto make change in your life.
I have always been a fixer personality.
(08:10):
And so I would get really firedup when I would see people that I
love making what I thought to bereally dumb choices for their life.
And I'm still like this.
Like I still get it.
really irritated and want to demand thebest from people around me in my life.
And I think you should like, I thinkwhen you really care about people
and you think they're making dumbchoices, I think you should step
(08:32):
up, but you can't beat a dead horse.
And that's kind of where I'vegone wrong in the past is.
I have stayed a lot longer inrelationships where that person is
not making the change that I thinkthey need to make in order for me
to be happy with them in my life.
And what I didn't realize at the timeis that I was trying to force how I
(08:55):
believe they should live their lifeonto them, either on a timeline that
wasn't The timeline that they had forthemselves, like I was trying to get
them to, to get somewhere faster thanthey were getting, or it just wasn't
at all what they wanted for themselves.
And it wasn't their truth.
And I was projecting my own realityand how I see things and what
I want out of life onto them.
(09:17):
And really, what I have learnedis that you just have to
meet people where they're at.
You have to love them where you're at.
And.
The responsibility to quote unquote fixthem or change them does not fall on you.
It does not fall on you.
Again, that has to be an intrinsicallymotivated change that comes from
(09:38):
within that person in order forit to be a sustainable change.
People won't change until it soundslike it's their idea and they truly
believe in it and want it to happen.
Okay, so something that I thinkwill be fun to illustrate exactly
what this feels like is by usingkind of like a character example.
So I'm gonna make up afake friend in your life.
(10:01):
We'll call him Tim and we're gonnatalk about Tim's role in your life,
how you maybe want to fix Tim.
The issues that you see in Tim's lifethat you want to fix, and we're going
to talk about what happens when you tryto fix those things and why it's going
to end up poorly for both you and Tim.
And what happens when you try tobe an inspiration to Tim instead.
(10:24):
Okay.
So Tim's backstory, you guys have beenfriends since you were kids and you've now
grown up into adulthood and you're bothin your career, you're getting started.
You're kind of settled in your career.
You know, you kind of feel like you'rein a more stable place than maybe Tim is.
And Tim's still trying to figurethings out and Tim's going through a
(10:46):
little bit of a crisis and he's tryingto figure out what he wants to do.
He's feeling a little bit lost andyou see that reflected in his actions.
So Tim has been calling you prettyoften on weeknights after midnight
and he's usually drunk and he'susually at a bar with people
who might not be the best crowd.
And he's calling you tocome give him a ride.
(11:07):
And this is an often occurrence.
This is happening a lot morethan it did in the past, if ever.
And in Tim's day to day life, he'snot making the best choices either.
He's currently at a job that he's notsuper happy with, but he's not really
doing anything to change the situation.
So he's not applying for jobs.
He's playing video games a lot.
He's not really getting up off his butt.
(11:28):
But he's not getting other work experienceor networking or doing anything to put
him in a position to change careers.
And then in Tim's love life, you see thathe is kind of distracting himself from
the career debacle by kind of relationshiphopping and bringing home new girls all
the time and going out on dates withpeople that you know probably aren't
(11:51):
good for him, but he likes the attentionand it makes him feel less alone.
And all in all, Tim is just kind of.
In a phase of his life where thingsaren't going well, and as his best
friend, you can see that the choicesthat he's making are ultimately at his
own expense and his own destruction.
And you don't want to seeTim do this to himself.
(12:13):
And so you're a good friend, right?
And you want to help Tim do this.
to change.
You don't want him tostay stuck like this.
So if you're a fixer, maybe you startgiving Tim some unsolicited advice.
And maybe every time he starts complainingabout work, you're like, well, duh,
of course you're not happy, Tim.
Like you've been miserable atthis job forever and you haven't
(12:37):
even done anything to change it.
Maybe if you started actuallyapplying for jobs and you started,
you know, doing X, Y, and Z.
You wouldn't be in this situation anymore.
Here's what you need to do.
Like you need to takecontrol of your own life.
I literally sound likemyself on this podcast.
Oh my God.
I promise you guys, when I rant at you,that I'm just trying to inspire you.
(12:57):
Maybe I need to be moremindful of how I deliver it.
Um, but I guess if you guys are tuninginto this podcast, I'm giving you
solicited advice that you're looking for.
So, ha, But anyways, you start goinginto advice mode where you are telling
him what he needs to change when Timprobably just came to you to vent.
He didn't come to youto solve his problems.
(13:18):
It's very different when peopleactually ask you for advice, right?
But if you start givingUnsolicited advice.
You kind of take responsibilityoff of that person to solve their
problem, and you kind of jump intothe driver's seat of their life rather
than encourage them to get into thedriver's seat of their own life.
You know what I mean?
If you start telling them exactlywhat to do without them asking you, or
(13:42):
if you start taking action for them.
Again, that takes theirresponsibility away.
Maybe you start trying tomanipulate Tim into change.
If you're a fixer, maybeyou start threatening him.
Like if you don't get a higher paying job,I'm not going to be your roommate anymore.
Like I'm going to kickyou out of the apartment.
(14:03):
Or if you bring another girl backhere, I'm going to kick you out I'm
not going to be your friend anymore.
Or you start like putting conditionson his actions and threatening him.
That is manipulative behavior.
That's trying to threaten someoneinto change rather than inspire them.
And there are probably, you know,more extreme situations where This
(14:24):
response might be more appropriate.
Again, this is kind of just like anexample, very broad example, but anytime
that you are manipulating someone totry to get them to do something that you
want by by threatening them or coercingthem or doing something that's not out of
purely good intention, that's somethingthat you should really stop doing.
(14:46):
And that's something that fixers do a lot.
In addition to this, fixers are oftennagging and begging and pleading.
Um, so maybe you are, you know, constantlyon Tim, like riding Tim's butt about, you
know, did you apply for more jobs yet?
Like, have you applied?
Did you tell that girl you're notgoing on that date with her anymore?
And you're being very overbearingand controlling and kind of like
(15:09):
breathing down Tim's neck about it.
Any sort of like begging or pleadingbehavior like that, that's going, that's
a characteristic of a fixer person.
it doesn't end up makingpeople feel excited to change.
It makes people feel like,holy shit, I need to do this
to get so and so off my back.
(15:30):
Okay.
So that's everything that youwould do if you're a fixer.
Now, if you are a inspiration, And you'retrying to inspire someone into change.
It's going to look a little bit different.
So instead of giving unsolicited adviceto Tim when he didn't ask, you need to
hold space for him and to understand himin conversation when he comes to you.
(15:54):
So a lot of times when people arecoming to you about their problems,
it's because they want to feelheard and seen and validated.
A lot of us just have big emotionsthat we want to get off our chest
in relation to our problems.
We don't really want otherpeople to solve them for us.
We know we're capable of makingthe change deep down if we are
in a good place with ourselves.
(16:14):
So keep that in mind that when peoplecome to you with their problems.
A really good question that youcan ask them pretty straight off
the rip is, do you just want meto listen or do you want advice?
And you can say that before they evensay anything so you know how to respond.
And again, if they are asking youfor advice, it's very different,
but I think a lot of the timepeople just want to feel heard.
(16:35):
So when Tim is coming to you tovent about his job or whatever girl
he's dating or whatever he's nothappy about, holding space for him.
in that conversation, validatingwhat he's feeling, letting him
know that his feelings make senseto you and that if you were in his
position, you would feel the same way.
It makes him feel human.
It makes it feel him feelnormal for feeling lost He
(16:57):
doesn't feel nagged that way.
He doesn't feel like you're tryingto jump in and tell him what to do
or to take control of of his life.
You're just simply offering alistening ear, a shoulder to cry on.
And another thing that you can do iskind of ask questions and you don't want
to ask them in a way that necessarilylike leads people to a certain answer,
(17:18):
but But say that Tim is kind of justlike venting about his job so much,
you can start asking questions like,you know, is there any part of you that
would consider applying to another job?
Have you, you know, have youlooked at other jobs out there?
What's holding you backfrom applying for this job?
Why haven't you applied for that one?
(17:38):
And again, it's.
Your tone is really important.
Like you don't want tosound condescending.
You don't want to sound accusational,but just kind of simply getting
curious about Tim's situation,asking questions, taking interest.
Sometimes that can help peoplefind the answers that they're
searching for, that they don'tknow how to get to on their own.
So asking questions about the issuethat they're experiencing, the problem.
(18:02):
That can really inspire people to changebecause as they start reflecting out
loud and talking through things with you,they're probably going to have revelations
where they're like, that's a great point.
I'm led like, why haven't Iapplied for that job or why
haven't I considered this thought?
Like rather than telling them, just askthem these things and that tone or that.
(18:23):
I guess level of conversation orvibe of conversation can just feel so
different for people because they'renot being instructed or pushed to
do anything and they're simply beingasked, what is it that you want?
What is it that you feel?
What is it that you desire for yourself?
What is it that you, you see yourselfdoing that can be really, really helpful.
(18:44):
Another thing that you might do is youmight just simply lead your life by
example, you can share with Tim abouthow fulfilled you feel at your job
and how you got there and it doesn'thave to be in like a look at me.
Look how amazing my life is kindof way simply by living the life
that you're proud of and, you know,Acting in a way that you're proud
(19:06):
of Tim is going to be taking notes.
Anybody who is in a lost season of theirlife is likely looking to people who have
it more figured out for inspiration onhow to get out of their current situation.
So just by you showing up everyday and holding space for Tim
in your conversations, livingthe life that you're proud of.
And kind of taking the advice that youwould give, like, it's really easy to
(19:31):
give advice to people, but if you don'ttake it, your credibility is kind of shot.
And it's like, why wouldyou give that advice?
If you can't take it?
That's definitely something that I'vestruggled in the past is giving really
good advice, but struggling to take it.
But I've really worked on myself a lot tothe point where I don't give out advice.
I know I can't take anymore.
So, um, You know, living your lifeby your own example, living your
(19:53):
life the way that you inspire othersto is really, really important.
And that makes a huge difference as well.
So this little Tim exercise,you can really apply this to
any relationship in your life.
Anytime that you are giving unsolicitedadvice and trying to manipulate people
or solve their problems or nag themor expect people to think like you
(20:16):
and want the same things as you.
It's not going to lead to agood outcome most of the time.
Now, there's definitely momentswhere you are going to need to
give unsolicited advice to afriend who really needs to hear it.
You know, there are times that I'mvery thankful for friends in my life
who say, Emily, you're being an idiot.
What are you doing?
And they give me a littlecome to Jesus moment.
(20:37):
And I'm very, very thankful for that.
But you have to be very, um, calculated.
And cautious of when you use thatapproach because it's not the best
approach all the time and you have tokeep in mind that everybody's different.
All of your people are different and theirneeds how they want to be spoken to and
treated is all going to be different.
And it's important to tailor yourtone and your delivery and your
(21:00):
timing of the conversation andwhat you say to match up with.
So now is where we get to the partthat's really difficult, and that's
where we have to find the line, right?
Because it's really important to inspirepeople to change around you, but there
are going to be some people that yousimply cannot inspire and that no matter
(21:24):
how you live your life, no matter how youhold space for them, no matter how many
times you show up for them, and you tryto help They just can't make the changes
that they need to make in order foryou to be happy with them in your life.
let's talk about some symptoms of whatthat feels like, how you kind of know
if you're getting to your tipping point.
So if you're starting to feelreally drained, And really, really
(21:48):
frustrated and like your relationshipis one sided with somebody.
This is a really good indicator that youare probably now in a fixer relationship
or a one sided friendship where thatperson is probably not going to make
the changes that you need them to make.
And this is really difficult and it'sreally hard to pull your emotions away
(22:11):
from that and be like, crap, becausethere's a pretty good chance that you
adore the person that you're, you'vebeen, been investing in, that you guys
have a really great relationship, thatyou have a lot of history, that you've
lived a lot of life together, and itis not easy to close the door on that.
And it's going to vary by situation,you know, how you should approach it
(22:33):
and what you should do, but there'sprobably going to come a time where
there are certain relationships that youneed to let fizzle in your life unless
you want to continue being drained andfrustrated and like you feel like you're
beating your head off a brick wall.
I have reached this point a lot.
Like I mentioned earlier, I have been afixer a lot I've subconsciously attracted,
(22:57):
I guess, relationships in which I kindof naturally step into that fixer role.
And I try to bring up people aroundme because I see their potential.
And it's a vicious cycle that I findmyself in just kind of like being
the ambitious person that I am.
And I do want to inspire others.
But because of that, I've had toestablish Boundaries with that.
(23:21):
And I've had to also recognizewhen I need to walk away from
relationships that are no longerserving me for that exact reason.
And like I said, it is really, really,really freaking hard when you recognize
that you are feeling this way.
That is when you need toreevaluate how you proceed.
(23:41):
So I guess for me, like this isagain, just my personal two cents.
And like I always say on the pod, it'sgoing to be different for everybody.
For me, when I realized that theperson that is in question is
severely taking away from my piece.
And my mental health that they'renot treating me the way that I
deserve to be treated, that thingsfeel one sided, that my cup no
(24:05):
longer feels like it's overflowing.
After I spend time withthem, I then really question.
Why I have that relationship in mylife, and this is when I start to
pull away and I really pride myself inbeing a community, a good communicator.
And again, you're goingto have to handle it.
However, makes sense foryou and your situation.
(24:25):
But I always try to communicatewith people how I'm feeling.
So.
I actually had a friendship that I hadto end last summer, and I won't go into
the details of it because I don't wantto, I never want someone to listen to
this and be like, yeah, that's about me.
And I don't know who listensto this and who doesn't.
So I'm going to keep thedetails of this one private.
But I had to end a friendship last summerbecause the person who I was friends
(24:48):
with did not make my cup feel full.
And I felt like I was going intofix mode with them a lot, and
they never even asked me to.
It was just the role that I assumedwith them, but I knew that by staying
friends with them, I was going tocontinue being frustrated by their
behavior they were not living theirlife in a way that made sense to me.
(25:09):
And so I just found myself frustrateda lot and wanting to change them, but
they didn't see anything wrong withthe way they were living their life and
they didn't want to change and they werevery comfortable with who they were.
And I really, I reallydidn't understand them.
I really didn't understandwhat motivated their behavior.
And I probably never will, right?
Because we only see life throughour own very limited lens, but.
(25:33):
The moral of the story was Iknew I couldn't stay friends with
this person the way that we were,and I knew we needed some space.
And so I simply communicatedthis with this person.
I reached out and I said, Hey, I reallyappreciated the time that we've shared
together, but I am reaching a point inour friendship where I feel drained a lot.
And I don't feel like you bringto this friendship, the things
(25:56):
that I bring and I'm looking togrow and I'm looking to evolve.
So that means that my time, which is alsomy most precious resource, needs to be
given back to me and taken away from you.
And I need some space for a bit tocontinue assessing how I feel about
our friendship and see if this issomething that I can continue or not.
(26:17):
And that might sound brutal, it mightsound harsh, but it was the truth.
And I knew that regardless of how thisperson responded, I knew that I handled
the situation the best that I could ashonestly as I could, and as directly
as I could without being brutal.
this person actuallyresponded really well.
They took it really well.
They were understanding.
They were respectful of my boundary.
(26:37):
They definitely pushed back a littlebit and didn't want the friendship
to be over and definitely reached outlater again and tried to rehash it.
But ultimately, I decided that,you know, that decision was a
good one and I stuck with it andI never reopened that friendship.
And I'm really glad Imade that choice because.
I knew that that wasn't going to bea long term friend in my life anyway.
(26:58):
And I knew that there were other peoplein my life that brought a lot more to the
table and made me feel a lot better aboutmyself and gave me the kind of things that
I was looking for out of my friendships.
And those were the people that I wantedto dedicate my time and energy to, right?
It's difficult y'all.
It's hard.
It's really hard to havethese kind of conversations.
I'm not underestimating howuncomfortable this can be.
(27:21):
It's not easy.
It's a skill that you learn over time andthat, you know, you can only learn really
by practicing with one person at a time.
But what it really comes down to is that,The people that you surround yourself with
are who you will become and the more lifethat I live, the more experience that I
get, I'm just realizing how important itis to protect my time, space and energy
(27:45):
and how I really don't have time forpeople who do not add to my life anymore.
The whole fixer thing I kindof think comes from a weird
place of wanting to control.
And that's something that I've struggleda lot in my life with is control.
And in the end, controllingother people does not feel good.
(28:06):
I want to empower the people in my lifeto make good decisions and to make the
best possible choices for their life.
But I don't want to forcethem into doing that.
I don't want to controlthem into doing that.
I want them to do thaton their own volition.
There's probably a lot more that Icould say on this and a lot deeper
(28:26):
of the weeds that we could getinto, but Really guys, I just hope
you know that people don't change.
People really don't change, and ifthey do, it's because they want to.
So if you have someone in your lifewho you are constantly trying to
fix, or you are constantly trying toget them to live their life in a way
that will make you happy, and theywon't, it's because they never will.
(28:48):
Until they make that decision ontheir own, which it's a pretty high
percentage they won't do becausethey're going to see life differently
than you and people are who they are.
But until they make that decision ontheir own, change will not happen.
I have watched myself lose yearsof my life waiting on people to get
their shit together, and they don't.
(29:10):
And it's because I was probablyforcing a timeline on them
that they weren't ready for.
But the moral of the story is that thatchange was never gonna come about by me
pushing them harder, by me nagging themmore, by me signing them up for therapy,
by me forcing my beliefs onto them.
Instead, I fixed the fixer inmyself by no longer fixing.
(29:34):
And I've really allowedpeople to be who they are.
And when people aren't the type ofpeople that I want to be around,
that's when I get up and I walk away.
And It's okay to be sad.
It's okay to be disappointed and hurt andangry when people aren't who you thought
they were, who you thought they couldbe, but also recognize your role in that.
(29:55):
And that a lot of times we putexpectations on people that they can't
meet because they simply are who they are.
I hope that this inspired you tostop trying to fix people, to stop
trying to be the fixer becauseyou can't, you can't force people
to be anything that they're not.
If you enjoyed this episode ofwrestling with life, please leave me a
five star review wherever you listen.
(30:17):
The more reviews we get, themore the podcast will grow.
The more viewership we'll get, themore people we can get on the wrestling
squad, the more guests we can get.
And that means the more time I candedicate to this podcast to bring you guys
really vulnerable, honest conversationsthat help you to get out of your head
(30:37):
and grab life by the freaking balls.
Thanks wrestling fam.
I appreciate you guys have afantastic week over and out.
Bye bye.
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